Outside of the Manor, a third consecutive day of rain was pattering down against my new windows. The brightness of the room in tandem with the crackling fireplace was so perfectly mood setting in comparison to Draco's dark room. With the sunrise came an entirely new perspective into our relationship, both past and present.
I laid on my back and twirled my silky golden locks around in my fingers. He'd matched me on the carpet but his arms were crossed behind his head. He seemed anxious even after we'd taken multiple scorching shots of the gin. I was now feeling rosy and relaxed and my knees pointed towards him as I looked up at his face. He was staring at the ceiling, silent and pensive.
"So, 'ow many memories do you 'ave of us right now?" My voice was tiny as I approached him delicately. His bright aquamarine eyes slid down to me.
"All of them, today," He looked back at the ceiling as though bored, "Sometimes I watch all of them, and then erase everything within a few days. I keep what I can handle, sometimes just the structure of the memory and simply erase the emotional attachment. That's a risk though."
I rolled my head on the carpet as the sky turned into a perfect rainbow blend with the rising of the sun. My room was radiant and inviting; he couldn't have done a better job. It reminded me of my room back at home in France.
I chose my words thoughtfully, "So every day, you could 'ave any combination of memories and emotions? Et es different every time you obliviate?"
He nodded and my eyes watched the movement of his sharp jawline as he ground his teeth, "It's impossible to do it the same way every time. Sometimes, when you really piss me off I wipe out quite a lot. That's when I end up coming back without much care for you and make you cry. It's hard to keep a consistent personality around you, when memories and emotions literally define our personality."
I couldn't imagine what it would be like, to have to obliviate oneself over and over. It would be akin to having dementia. Then to watch and remember them all again would be crushing, especially if you'd strayed far from your personality while walking around freshly obliviated. What a tragic cycle; part of me wondered why he even bothered keeping it up. Why not just let the memories go? It would be far less torturous.
My thoughts digressed; it made sense that he would want to hold onto who he was before. It was his only power over his life.
It was all clicking into place. I would no longer wonder why sometimes he was affectionate while others he was rough or detached. He wasn't trying to be manipulative, he was just returning as a different version of himself every time he had to erase his mind, leaving behind the parts of him that were capable of villainy.
"Does it scare you?" I asked as I rolled over and bent my arm across his chest, resting my chin on it. He stared at me through hooded eyes.
"Yes it scares me. Of course. Wouldn't it scare you?" He asked. There were notes of loneliness in his expression.
I nodded, slightly frowning. The space between us felt weighty and depressive, so I tugged at the white cord of his sweater for distraction. He slapped my hand away looking annoyed, "I don't like it when they're uneven." He was referring to the two strings at the front which drew up the hood. I watched in amusement as he held them both up in front of his face and ensured they were identical in length before letting them drop again.
The devil in me reacted instinctively and I yanked one of the cords as hard as possible, causing the hood the bunch up in a thick pile behind his neck. His eyebrows scrunched together in aggravation and I giggled childishly.
"Oh yeah, terribly funny," He sneered, sitting up and pushing me off, "So predictable. You're a complete menace." He ripped at the hood to rebalance the way it held, and I leaned forward and pulled it right over his head while laughing hysterically.
As quick as the lightning outside he yanked it off again and had my wrists locked in his fingers tightly. His platinum hair was now spiky and messy and the strings still weren't even as he pushed me down into the carpet.
"Are you done?" He challenged from where his face was mere inches from mine but his eyes had a glint of playfulness in them.
I just laid there pinned to the carpet, giggling like a schoolgirl. His eyes were searching mine as his lip curled up into a smile, "You always laughed at me."
"Because you are always so serious," I murmured flirtatiously, batting my eyelashes at him.
He breathed against my face for a moment with hesitation, then his soft lips were on mine. It was gentle and sweet and my heart shook with romantic anxiety. He had my arms pinned above my head but I could easily escape if I wanted to.
The door to my room suddenly shook with light raps pulling us out of the moment, and we both sat up with rosy cheeks. I backed up so I was closer to Draco as it timidly creaked open and Narcissa stuck her head in, "Hello, Madeleine. May I come in?"
I swallowed and nodded, running my fingers through my messy hair, now trying my hardest not to seem so drunk. I could see Draco doing similar small gestures to his clothing and hair. Our proximity must've looked very incriminating.
Narcissa floated in like a cloud, hardly touching anything as her eyes flickered across the renovations in awe, "Well, Draco perhaps you should pursue interior design." I snorted without being able to control it and Draco kicked my back from where he was situated behind me.
Narcissa's gaze landed on us huddled together by the fire and she smiled sweetly, "I see that the damage has been mitigated; I was hoping for such an outcome. I wanted to merely visit to ensure of your health and wellbeing, and apologize again for the gruesome act you were put through." She clasped her hands in front of herself nobly.
Draco stared at her blankly as though he hadn't even heard her. I leaned forward on my knees, and said in a breathy voice, "Thank you, Narcissa."
She looked briefly at the ground and I could tell there was something else coming. I wasn't prepared for anything intense and I took a few steady breaths as she straightened her spine and looked over my shoulder at Draco, "Perhaps Madeleine and I should converse briefly in private. Just for a moment dear." Her face was pale now.
"Why?" Draco asked suspiciously from behind me and I turned to see how he'd narrowed his eyes at his mother, "Just spit it out."
She glared at him sternly before flickering her eyes to me with an inquisitorial gesture. It was difficult to judge properly if I wanted him there, but his energy behind me felt aggressive and demanding.
Narcissa sat on the cream colored chaise at the end of my bed and stretched her arms down to her knees looking stiff. She squared her gaze on me and got straight to the point, "Right then. When you were attacked, was there any penetration? Did anything happen that would result in an unwanted pregnancy? We need to know so we can act quickly."
My heart dropped a few floors in my chest and I instantly wished Draco had not been in the room. He was off of his feet in moments with his hand on his mouth as if he couldn't bear to hear it.
Narcissa seemed to have already guessed this reaction would occur as she watched him pace, "Draco, this conceivably would be a good time to leave. Madeleine is alright with me."
He was now pushing his hair back from his face, "It doesn't matter, because she wasn't. She wasn't." He looked at me with a flushed face and distraught eyes, his voice now several pitches higher, "Were you?"
My eyes flickered between the two Malfoy's before me, watching intently, "No! No I was not. I lit everything on fire before 'e-before 'e could..." I felt sick even explaining it out loud. Narcissa looked uneasy, as though she didn't believe me.
"Madeleine, you know you may always come to my door should you have anything further to say." She stood and gave Draco a serious look.
He shook his head and the uneven strings hanging from his hoodie flew around, "What else would she have to say? Do you think she's lying in my presence?" I'd had enough.
I stood and balled my fist and both of their eyes warily shot to the assertive body language, probably worried about a secondary fire, "I was not penetrated. 'e was lucky to get out without being burnt to death."
Narcissa straightened her dress, "Well now, let's not get worked up. I believe you. We may all rest easy knowing that you are a powerful young witch who is capable of charring your opponents. Please, enjoy your day together. As you were." She nodded at both of us and let herself out.
I didn't hesitate; I pounced on Draco and wrapped my arms around his neck in an air depleting bear hug. His arms squeezed me tight around my waist and we just swayed drunkenly in each other's arms while the rain came down outside. The smell of his body and his sweater was intoxicating. "It wasn't like dat," I reassured him for the third time, balancing on my tip toes.
"Okay," was all he said in a strained voice. His cheek was warm against mine as we shut our eyes and held each other.
It was a solid minute before he buried his face in my neck and whispered, "I love you. No matter how many times I lose it, it will inevitably come back, with or without the memories. You're like a curse." His hands were tugging at my clothing nervously as he said it.
I pushed a compassionate kiss into his cheek before slipping down onto my flat feet and then went to the window, pressing my fingertips to the foggy glass. He let me go hesitantly, his fingers slipping through my cloak as I drifted away.
I couldn't give him what he wanted yet; I couldn't reciprocate it. I only had limited memories of our time together and they were all recent and distressed by trauma. It wasn't that I didn't feel an overpowering, crushing amount of emotions for him, but it was too early given everything that had now happened. There was also the fact that he might be feeling that way currently, but perhaps the next time he came back he wouldn't feel it again. The thought of giving into him and admitting my love only to be on and off rejected was terrifying.
"I want to go outside," I blurted, as he readjusted the strings on his hoodie a third time. The growling of the thunder and the smell of fresh dirt and greenery was calling me. I wanted to get muddy and dance in the rain and live in the moment.
He was shaking his head and rubbing his forehead, "Absolutely not. Can't you see the torrential downpour right before your eyes?" He pointed at the windows as though they had just appeared before us to provide proof of the weather.
The rain was coming down hard no doubt about that. Five stories below on the ground the mud of spring was welling up and running in all directions on the pathways. I opened the window, relieved that mine actually had a latch and handle allowing me to. The sound of thunder grumbled into the room and my face was instantly sprayed with humid water droplets. The beautiful, aromatic smell of spring blew inwards with force.
I spun around, barely avoiding tripping on some of my potted plants. My silver cloak flowed around me ridiculously, "Please, I want to drink more gin and dance in de rain!"
His eyes glazed over as he watched me spin. "We can't go out there, we'll get soaked," he whined, taking another shot of the gin as though he already knew he was going to lose.
I was busy shuffling through my armoire looking for something that resembled a raincoat, without regarding his complaints. When I couldn't find anything I turned around to him pouting. I wandered back to the fireplace and took another shot as well. "You still 'ave not told me much about us from before, should we do dat' instead?" I boldly questioned, raising a fist to my lips as the liquid burned my tongue and throat threatening to make me sick.
He visibly rolled his eyes, "That's my two options? Get soaked or summarize our entire history together?" His cheeks were flush with drunkenness. He hung onto the fireplace mantle with one strong hand and chewed his lip, looking down at his socks in contemplation, "Very well. Let's go outside Madeleine. What the fuck you expect us to do out there is beyond me." He sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets, eyeing me down.
I smiled with my lips pressed together, knowing my next statement would increase his aggravation, "I don' 'ave anything to wear in the de rain."
"Then why are we doing this?" He barked and I watched his eyes darken. When I just shrugged he sighed exaggeratively, "Mother will have something. Come." He held out his hand and I dared not reject it. We walked in the hallways upwards, towards the highest floors. I had to pick up my dress with my free hand to follow him without tripping.
Now on the seventh and final floor of the towering structure, we reached two large double doors at the end of the upper hallway - carved monolithic stone sheets with the same Malfoy crest across them that was waving on the back of my neck. Draco sighed again, looking dreadful. He knocked on the door and in a few moments Narcissa opened it with a surprised reaction.
Her eyes drifted briefly to where our hands were entwined, then she faced Draco with curiosity, "I do hope this isn't a follow up to our earlier conversation."
"Madeleine..." He shut his eyes in embarrassment, "Madeleine wants to go outside in the rain. Do you have appropriate clothing for her to wear?" I had the sense that he was despising the interaction entirely.
Narcissa raised her eyebrows, "For what purpose are you going outside? It's terribly stormy."
Draco rolled his neck and exhaled, "For...it doesn't matter. Can you dress her?"
Narcissa reached out and took my other hand with a positively sly grin on her face as she dismissed her son. She evidently found the entire affair highly entertaining, "Not a problem Draco, I'll have her in the lobby shortly." She guided me into the master chambers and closed the stone doorway with an aching thud that echoed around the room.
We made our way down an adjacent hallway and she pushed open a green doorway into a massive walk-in closet. She started to paw through valuable and lavish fabrics, brushing aside several black coats.
I stood near the doorway taking in the impressive collection of designer items. "My son has quite an endearment for you," she stated calmly while pushing things aside. "He's never been one to drink in the middle of the day, design a room to be tastelessly bright, or go outside for leisure when it is raining. I hope you realize he would withhold no expense for you." She paused her movement, and her eyes trailed on me over her shoulder dominantly, almost threateningly, and I smiled uncomfortably.
She pulled down a blue coat with a huge hood, that looked like dyed dragonshide. It was likely worth more than half of my personal possessions back at home, and that was saying a lot. She held it out to me with a blank expression, "This should be acceptable. I am painfully aware of your predilection for the color blue."
"It's quite expensive, isn't it?" I asked nervously.
She stepped forward still holding it out, "Not for a Malfoy. You will eventually realize that we are required to uphold a certain level of decorum, and that we have more than the means to do so." Her oceanic eyes bored into mine and I reached out to take the coat.
Her eyes glinted then, and once my fingers were wrapped around the apparel she took the opportunity to tug me towards her sharply so that our faces were a foot apart, "I will say this, now that we are alone - I don't harbor any negative perceptions of you Madeleine, other than your lack of formality. You will however, find that I am quite capable of defending my son if I feel he is threatened. You will not be the cause of his death, nor his heartbreak. Do I make myself clear?" In that moment in the dim lighting of the walk-in closet she appeared lethal for the first time and I was sorely aware that she was very protective of Draco.
I nodded vigorously, "Yes, of course, I understand." I swallowed in newly blossomed fear of Narcissa, who up until that point had acted as if a quiet piece of furniture within the Manor and mainly avoided me at every opportunity.
She gave me the coat willingly then and sent me a sickly sweet smile, "Splendid. You may keep this - I've never worn it."
