Lexi wasn't sure of the moment in which doubting herself had become a part of her personality, she knew that shit was toxic, and had somehow forgotten that people might notice, that's why it had been quite a harsh, but eye-opening surprise when Fez pointed out to her because it was kind of pathetic that she enjoyed studying and judging people's behavior, but had never stopped and tried to look at herself, probably because she wasn't used to being seen.
Perhaps her problem was growing up next to someone who had always been the center of the spotlight. Lexi knew second hand what being desired, loved, and wanted was like, even as a child when looks weren't the obvious magnets that pulled everyone's attention to Cassie, her parents had always seemed to give more attention and praise to the eldest Howard sibling, it wasn't Cassie's fault that Lexi was insecure, but...it didn't help that her sister was perfect in all the ways everyone seemed to prefer, in all the ways she wasn't.
It's all in your head, people love you. The words her middle school counselor had asked her to remember, of course, that was before he called her parents overruling the confidentiality agreement and making her life more miserable. The Howards had been upset with her for having said: "nonsense to a complete stranger who had no idea of what a true family was". After that incident, Lexi had learned to keep those feelings to herself and use writing as therapy instead.
After 17 years of life, she still feels like everything and everyone in her life is there by pure accident as if they have no other choice but to say, "oh well, she'll do". And so, now that Lexi had found someone who actually seemed to care about what she had to say or all the little silly things going on in her life...she couldn't help being a bit skeptical about it.
Rue had been her first and one true friend, but sadly time and life had turned it into a casual one-sided attempt at keeping lost complicity, and trust. Lexi learned the hard way that people could be cruel if one keeps showing up without an invitation, no matter how much she truly cared, so she decided to make sure Fez wanted her in his life as much as she did with him. It wasn't like an actual test or anything, but she tried not to be the one that texted or called first, and not bore him to death with her play.
"When's the casting?" Fez asked, she could hear him smoking from the other side of the phone.
He texted early in the morning before school and asked if he could call her while she was getting ready since Cassie had stayed over at Maddy's.
If this were a test, not that it was, but if it were...he had definitely scored some good points. A part of her wanted to focus on all the efforts he had already made and let herself trust him blindly, no more pondering about half full or half empty glass, just fucking down the water in front of her.
"Casting's today around 4 pm" she took a deep breath "we're hoping people will actually show up"
"Don't be saying that" he tried to calm her down "it don't matter if there are twelve or a hundred people, they gonna be there cause they wanna be in your play. Quality not quantity"
That made her smile and relax, he always knew what to say.
"Thank you" she truly meant it but wanted to talk about something that wasn't related to her, she felt guilty for probably boring him to death "What about you? How are things going?"
He wasn't going to talk about his business with her, but she wanted to make him feel free to share anything about his life with her.
"Things are going" he joked "we gonna be at the store in a couple hours and then um... run some errands"
"Isn't it a bit early to be awake?" She was finishing fixing her hair "I mean I've got school but would rather be sound asleep. I didn't think you'd be an early bird, it's funny, isn't it? We've talked about some really personal stuff, but I don't know basic silly things about you"
He chuckled and added "Ask"
"Anything?" She smiled.
"Damn Lexi" he chuckled "now I'm scared, but yeah"
She got on the bike and began making her way.
"Hot or cold weather?"
"Hot" he answered right away "that's why I like California"
"Favorite animal?"
"Ummm...cats and tigers are dope"
"I love cats" she smiled "let's see um… what superpower would you want to have?"
"Like in movies and stuff?" He really considered it "it'd be pretty fucking useful to teleport and shit"
"That's a good one" she was taking the long way to school "what about a guilty pleasure?"
"Guilty?" He repeated carefully "Nah, there's no guilt in doing shit you like" he announced
"You really think that?"
"Hell yeah" he answered
"Don't you like, get embarrassed sometimes?" She bit her tongue; she had promised herself not to overshare at least for today.
"I guess I don't talk about my shit with people I don't trust, the one's I do let me do my own thing"
"You're right" she agreed "I guess what I really wanted to ask is if you have a special thing all to yourself? Something no one might understand, but that makes you happy"
"Well, I don't know if it counts" he cleared his throat "but I'd say talking with you is fucking special "
Did he just tell her that she made him happy? And that she was special?
"I-enjoy it too" she managed to whisper.
His words stayed with her long after they ended the call and her classes started. Why was she being so unfair to him? Fez was clearly not pretending to be her friend just cause he had to, he was the most transparent person she had ever met, he really had no ulterior motives, and simply did what he wanted to, and... he wanted to be near her. Perhaps she wasn't going to imagine their wedding yet, but she decided to challenge herself and trust him as much as he trusted her.
As smooth as that may have sounded inside his head, Fez knew things were delicate in both her life and his. Last thing he wanted was to scare her off, the complicity and trust he had found in Lexi did not deserve to be put at risk, no matter how much he liked her.
From the first time they spoke after sporadic non-verbal meetings through Rue, he noticed how careful and at the same time careless she was with herself. He didn't like comparing his life with the others, and perhaps it was a lot more complicated, but he felt he understood her, the silent responsibility and burden of caring for her reckless family's decisions. Rue had mentioned Lexi's dad was an addict and had left them, and Lexi had talked about her mother's drinking problem and her sister's behavior. Fez had never believed anyone should be exempted from suffering or having problems in general, but she really didn't deserve it. He was first-hand offended by everyone in her life that had decided to make her feel unworthy of love and attention, so he made a silent oath to make sure he would never do that to her, and instead give her the importance she deserved.
"Who you talking to so early?" Ash entered the living room yawning and in pajamas "the deal still up for tonight?"
"Yeah" he put away his phone and walked over to the kitchen to make some P&J sandwiches for breakfast "what time you sleep yesterday? Heard you playing your game all night long"
Ash shrugged "Heard you talking to that girl all morning"
"Bro" Fez sighed "we ain't talking about that. You need to rest and shit, I ain't your mommy to be up in your business, but c'mon man"
His little brother yawned in response "Fine"
Fez handed him his sandwich and began making a second one.
Ash sat on the counter in silence, he was clearly still on automatic pilot. A door opened and soon enough Faye joined them in the kitchen.
"Morning" she greeted.
Fez handed her his second sandwich and began making a third.
"Thanks" she smiled and began eating "how's Lexi doing?"
He turned back to her "How you know I was talking to her?"
Faye shrugged and took another bite "Heard you were on the phone, guessed it was her, so what she say?"
"Casting's today" Ash answered to everyone's surprise.
"The fuck?" Fez went pale.
His brother shrugged "Chill, I ain't listening to your cheesy ass conversations, just walked by when she said that"
"You guys need to mind your own fucking business," Fez said disapprovingly, except he didn't mind that they knew, not really.
How was ur day?
got ur cast yet?
Lexi fought the urge to answer him right away.
"How's Rue doing?" Lexi's mother asked her over dinner.
The sisters had been glued to their phones a lot more than usual lately, so their mother insisted on a meal without technology "just for fucking 20 minutes". They were eating takeaway Chinese food at the dinner table, both sitting across from their mother.
"She's hanging on" Lexi answered.
"She's doing weed" Cassie stepped in.
Lexi rolled her eyes, her sister was still upset with the whole bathroom exchange in which Rue called out her ridiculous cowgirl outfit, it wasn't like Rue seemed healthy, but Cassie's revenge comments wouldn't help. She kicked her sister under the table.
"Rue suffers from anxiety" Lexi reminded her mom and sister, "she told me she's got it under control"
"I'm worried as much as you are" Cassie answered, she seemed honest "I don't think weed is going to be a good idea"
"Let's hope Rue knows what she's doing" Suze took a deep breath and turned back to Lexi "I'm glad she's been hanging out with you again; you've always been a good influence for her"
She smiled and looked back at her food, guilt flowing through all her body for lying, but what could she do? She'd want nothing more than for Rue to reach out to her the way she used to, for them to connect again and to be able to bring her any comfort or support, but Lexi had been through this before, and she knew the only one getting hurt and pushed away was going to be her...she had never been brave enough to confront Rue face to face about how she hated their distance but hoped her friend would understand her better after the play...
And about Fez, well there were a lot more reasons to keep him all to herself.
"How's Maddy?" Her mother asked Cassie this time "I haven't seen the girls in a while, and you know she's favorite"
Cassie tensed "I... she's busy with stuff. She's been babysitting"
"Oh, that's nice" her mother added, "she hasn't gotten back to her ex, has she?"
"No" Cassie whispered.
Lexi and her mother eyed Cassie, there was something she wasn't sharing with them, but that usually meant Maddy had asked her to keep a secret, and best friend confidentiality wasn't something the Howard Family questioned.
