Recollection
An entire day had passed since Naruto was in Tsunade's office to get his medical check-up done. Last time he was there, Sakura was quick to scold him over one thing. As he remembered that he panicked, imagining Sakura's wrath that would bestow down upon him when she would find out that he… kind of forgot to do that one job he had.
He was supposed to go to Hinata's place and make sure that everything was set for Neji's one-week burial ceremony. To see if she needed help with anything else. Ever since Neji had died, all the generation of Konoha 11 had come together closer than before. Neji's death had affected Hinata more than she would have probably initially expected. A gentle heart at the core has been shaken in the aftermath of war more than she could've guessed. Her and Lee alike. That's why the Konoha 11 were being supportive of both of them as best as they could. And the tasks usually divided between Sakura taking care of Lee's side, while Naruto of Hinata's one.
Only that, this time Naruto ended-up forgetting. Not with malicious intent though.
After all, this was Naruto we were talking about. It was just that, as he was heading to his home to change in order to go for Hinata's place, he got sidetracked. The whole burial ceremony only made him recall his old master, Jiraiya. So, he ended-up rerouting a bit. Or at least he thought it would be for just a bit.
Once at his former master's improvised grave, Naruto lost track of time and himself. He ended-up telling his master's all the stories he could. How, after his death he got so mad at the world. How he had met his dad because he had let all that rage and hatred compel him. He had given in to the fox only to defeat what he had found out later to be his former master's initial student, Nagato. Only that in the end, he chose not to give in to the hatred until the end, thanks to his dad and his own writings, from where his name came from. He told him about the promise they made to one another.
He also told Jiraiya about how Tsunade had fallen into a coma and the mess that followed after with Danzo taking over, the Five Kage Summit and Sasuke. And how he finally understood Sasuke better.
Speaking of Sasuke, he ended-up telling his master the whole story behind his best friend's revenge. It reminded Naruto about his old talk with his master about hatred. How Sasuke's past was a part of that history of hatred they so often discussed about. As he was telling his master that story, his heart felt heavy.
He wasn't even allowed to talk about that yet, for the whole alliance and Konoha's status within it could be shaken. Naruto clenched his fist at that and asked his master for advice. He didn't know what to do in that case. He wasn't feeling the greatest with the fact that he had to keep this under closed doors. Where was the justice in all of that, anyway?
That thought only spiraled him into another train of thoughts regarding him and his desire to be Hokage, his life-long dream. Yeah, he wished it very much. But the politics that came with it? Naruto felt his blood boiling whenever he thought about the implications. And here he was standing in front of his master's grave, pondering.
"That's why you didn't want to become Hokage when they asked you to, right, Pervy-Sage?" Naruto asked, jokingly. He laughed for a moment as he talked alone at his master's grave. But soon after, his vision started to blur. Water filled his eyes and heartache clenched his chest.
He missed his master so much. Why all these precious people to him had to be gone? Why all the people that could somehow ease the burdens he was carrying on his shoulders, were not there, next to him, in person?
There were small moments like these that made Naruto want to just let it go for a while. To stop being the strong, stoic, smiling, pain hiding soul he always was. He sometimes wished to be the young teen that met his father filled with frustration. To vent that frustration and have his father back him up.
To be the normal human being that sometimes gets engulfed by darkness and despair, and can find solace in his mother's embrace that cradles his soul.
Just sometimes. Not more, not less.
He sighed. Closed his eyes and drew breath once again, then opened them and looked to the sky. As if to look for the ones he was wishing to have close.
Then he wiped out his tears and took a deep breath, one more time. He asked Jiraiya to forgive him for getting sentimental there for a minute. It was hard because well, with everything that had happened and the war that had passed, a lot of things changed.
Some of his comrades even died. Something that he never would've wanted to see. But ultimately those are the realities of a war. He learned it the hard way.
If only his master would've been there to somehow prepare him for what was about to come. But he wasn't, because he was taken too soon from him. And that was the reason he was here.
Naruto's look came down from the sky once again back to his master's grave.
"I wonder how did you manage to go through all that hardship on your own?"
When he asked that, Naruto's tone was soft as a feather, and light as wind itself. The tears from earlier unloaded his soul for a moment.
"There could've been so many things you could've taught me," he said. Sure, he had the others such as Iruka, Tsunade, Kakashi, Sakura and his teammates. But for a reason, none of them hit home the way Jiraiya's presence had done it.
"And the biggest one would be like how to deal with the loss of bonds I've made, and eventually lost", he said. He recalled what he had told himself in the war when Neji had been killed in front of him. How he would just endure and carry Neji's memory inside his heart. But it's easier said than done. In that moment, the heat of it and everything that happened afterwards, it felt easier. He was surrounded by his comrades who brought him back from the brink of despair.
But then again, when you're alone with your mind, things tend to take another turn. Those moments hit different. Cuz for as far and bright as you shine, as deep and dark you can go. It takes knowing darkness to be able to radiate light. Sure, he chose all the time to radiate rather than give in to the darkness, but eh. No one ever said it's easy to make that choice.
And as he thought about that, suddenly, Naruto's heartbeat started to increase, mind went racing, and sweat started pouring. His mind made the connection when he thought about the bonds he lost. Among them being that with Neji, the Hyūga genius. That's when he realized one thing: he should've been in another place hours ago.
"Oh, crap!"
If Sakura didn't kill him up until then, she would definitely do it now. After the war especially, Sakura started to be extremely careful of people's mental wellbeing. She said how the physical side is always easier to handle, however with the mental one, things are tad bit different. For the mind is a curious and complex part of a human being.
He shook his head and looked around him. It was already at sunset. Which made it late. Late and inappropriate to go to Hinata's house at this hour. He had screwed-up.
Damn. Sakura would scold him hard, tomorrow. Really, really hard.
He wondered if he should've even gone to the hospital for his medical check-up the next day.
But there was no escaping, or else not only Sakura, but he would have to deal with Tsunade's wrath as well.
You wouldn't want to mess with two of the most powerful kunoichis of this world.
As he realized that, Naruto turned his eyes at his master's grave, and smiled. Thanked his spirit and excused himself, for he had to leave for now.
Maybe they would speak more at another time.
Once the alarm clock rang, Naruto jumped out of the bed fast. While in the morning he usually liked to take his time with the wake-up process, this time, the thought of Sakura scolding him for not doing his job, felt like a constant weight that hang over his head. So, he went straight to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. Took a quick shower and after that he went to the wardrobe to pick up his new clothes.
Immediately after the war, once they got back home, he bought himself some new ones since the old clothes got pretty torn up. He found something pretty neat and simple. Still orange combined with black, but this time it's the black that took over the orange more.
He had his reasons for choosing that way. Not to mention, it was something lean, nice, fresh, not too over complicated. A bit classy, if you'd like. But still casual at the same time. Like his usual self.
Black pants with black jacket, but none were missing the orange side of it. The pants had stripes along the sides, while the jacket along his neck collar, following the zipper down the line and going along the collar of his waist. That's where the orange was. Simple and neat. On the left arm, there was another orange patch, a round one that held the Uzumaki symbol in pride. Now more than ever. Underneath, he wore a simple orange shirt, but you wouldn't see it since he wore the zipper of his jacket closed.
As soon as he was done dressing up, Naruto put his shoes on as well, and headed towards the door.
Of course, putting on his attire and his shoes did take a bit more than usual since half of his right hand was missing, but that didn't stop him.
It was a new day, and Naruto Uzumaki wasn't going to let that detail spoil it for him. Not to mention it was the day when he was supposed to go and try his new prosthetic hand. So, sun was shining and so did hope. So, after he was done, he took out the door, and headed towards where he had to be.
While he walked down the path to the hospital where he would find Tsunade and Sakura waiting, Naruto couldn't help but get reminded again of the big mess he made. His mind made sure of it.
"Sakura is so going to scold me," he thought as he walked towards his destination.
"Today I definitely must not miss going to Hinata!" he said, clenching his only remaining fist.
As his train of thought led him to Hinata, his eyes got a little sad. Pain mixed with empathy filled the ocean like eyes and he couldn't help but get a bit nervous again. Neji's death had changed everything for them. Especially for her.
She has never been a particularly overly open person. On the contrary. He remembered how in their young years he even used to consider her dark and gloomy. Too weird for his taste. He could never understand her.
Up until one day, when that dark, weird gloomy girl surprised him with an encouraging speech he never saw it coming. Not from her anyway.
It was back then… That fateful day. That day when he had to fight the Hyūga genius whom everybody feared.
The recollection of those moments hit him hard, and his heart skipped a small bit there. But Naruto quickly drew breath and the rhythm of his heart beat came back to normal. Because as flashes of the moment he fought Neji came back in front of his mind's eye, the next moment another one took its place and he was back in the war. With Neji's impaled body protecting both him and Hinata.
What a cruel fate he had suffered.
But thinking in retrospect, how strange it all has been. From him being the one who gave both him and Hinata a good beating, to being the one who died protecting them.
Memories of the words he had said in their first battle came back to Naruto. His eyes frowned, teeth clenched and left a trail of tensed muscle on his face. His fist hardened. Naruto pondered as flashes of all the memories they lived together passed through his mind.
"Was this Neji's destiny all along, though? To die protecting the main branch of the Hyūga? Was he always right about destiny?"
He asked himself that as confusion started filling his being. The Hyūga matters have always been complex. And it wasn't necessarily his place to interfere, although he confidently told Neji that when he'd be Hokage, he'll change those ways. He still strongly felt that, but they seemed a bit too much sometimes. He wasn't exactly sure of how things changed within their politics since the day they fought. He just saw Neji and Hinata together a lot more since then, that's all.
When thinking about it, Neji after all died at the hands of his destiny. But he lectured him so much back few years ago how one should not care about trivial things such as those. Or so he considered them back then.
Because what do you know? In the meantime, he found out that he was always destined to fight Sasuke, the same way his predecessors fought, so on and so forth.
So, it made Naruto wonder. What truly is destiny? Is it indeed like Neji said, that you're given one when you're born and everything is predestined for you? Every choice you make? Every action you take? But then where is the free will in all of this?
Were all the things he lived in his life a path that has been predetermined for him so he was in fact supposed to be this great person? Him wanting to be Hokage was also predestined? It was never truly his wish?
But then what of the hard work he put into his path? Was all of that rendered invalid right now? All his lonely nights crying himself to sleep, his moments when no one wanted to bond with him, the days he trained over and over again, close to exhaustion. His parent's death, his master's one and all the others'.
What, was his destiny to be an orphan? To endure loneliness just because someone in the high heavens thinks that's something a child should live?
If this is what means to be branded with a destiny from birth, then maybe Neji was right all along. And no wonder he wanted to disobey his destiny.
Sure, Hinata had to fall victim to it too, and that was something truly sad, but if you think about it, they both were victims. Victims of a destiny, trapped in a cage deprived of choice, like Neji had said.
Naruto mumbled. "Tsch!" His eyes frowned again.
This realization didn't sit too well with him. The recollection of all those memories sure hit hard.
Not to mention, how was he supposed to console Hinata now? What could he even say? It was destined to happen that way, so you shouldn't feel bad about it?
"That's so stupid!" Naruto thought.
I
n the war, when he sensed her getting down on herself, it was easy. All he had to do was remind her of her strength. It's something he remembered himself.
How she jumped in front of Pein to protect him in that fastidious moment. Sure, not something he would've wanted if you'd ask him, but she did it anyway.
Thinking about it now, he couldn't blame her. Not that he ever did, but still. Back then he wished she wouldn't have done that. He wondered desperately if she understood his plea of everyone not interfering.
But she didn't. She just jumped into it head in.
She did it and that was that. He wasn't going to judge her, because if he were to think about it, he would've probably done the same, if in her situation.
He thought about how he jumped in without second thoughts whenever Sasuke or Sakura were in danger. His body didn't listen to any reason. He loved them both that much, it burned through his very being not to do anything in his power to protect them.
That's when Naruto's mind made a connection.
"Wait a minute… she said back then that," Naruto said, as the realization started hitting him hard. When he first heard the words from her, he thought that she meant loving him in the way they all loved each other. Like friends. Comrades. Which, not to lie, it made him appreciate her even more. That period of time was a moment where all of them bonded together in a special way.
It was probably due to the imminent threat that Pein was. It made them work with one another and connect in deeper ways than before. The community feel they all shared was strong, as they all worked together towards preparing for the threat that was Pein. So, he just thought that the love she declared was in that sense.
But now, with the new connections that his mind made, Naruto froze for a bit. He stopped from the walk. Stood there for a moment. Eyes wide opened in disbelief and jaw dropping in astonishment.
Naruto wondered. "Did she mean love like…?" His eyes started closing slowly as sadness took over them. "…that kind of love?"
A particular memory took over his mind. That of watching Sakura go ahead as he and Sai remained behind and ended-up talking about his own sentiments towards her. The only moment when he ever brought-up the feelings he harbored for his spring-haired teammate.
Ever since he realized the great love Sakura had for Sasuke, he carried the weight of his own feelings within himself. Hidden, behind shadows of his sunny smiles, and aches of his beating heart.
Sure, he wore his heart of his sleeve, as Sai had pointed out. At least, so he said. If someone as emotionless as him could see it…
But for some reason the only person that he would've wanted to, didn't see it. Then, there was everything else that happened between them. Sakura had confessed to him, but it was clear that she never stopped loving Sasuke.
Not to mention, if those things were to be ever true, he didn't want her love for him to be at the expense of the one she had for Sasuke. Absolutely not. Also, given their last discussion, well…
"Ah, love. Just as complicated as destiny," he thought.
This brought him back to Hinata. Oh, my, Hinata! He was loving him that way.
Naruto got flustered with confusion. His blood started boiling, cheeks got rosy and he suddenly felt really heavy in the middle of his chest, so he opened his jacket. It was as if he had a big weight inside there and suddenly there was not enough air to breathe.
"Aaagh, what should I do nooow?" he wondered, as he started gesturing. He wasn't particularly good at these things.
O
blivious is what his master had called him once or twice. Not to mention, in the context of the whole destiny thing, because his mind was making a lot of connections today, he couldn't help but wonder, as he recollected himself and continued his road towards the hospital.
"Was she destined to love me like that?" he asked. Then he brought his palm on his chin and looked upwards to the sky. His blue eyes connecting to it betrayed a slight thread of sadness again, as he let his hand fall next to his body.
"Does that mean that Sakura-chan has always been destined to love Sasuke and I never stood a chance?"
He left his hand fall next to his body and continued walking, pondering about these things.
As he moved forward, when the realization of his questions dropped, Naruto's steps became heavier and the rhythm of his walking became slower and slower.
Multiple thoughts and connections between them started gathering inside his mind.
Okay, maybe Sakura has always been destined to love Sasuke. He can accept that. After all, he never wished anything but the best for two of the most important people in his life. He had accepted that and gave them both the space to deal with their own issues.
Also, of course, as he told Sai back then, he couldn't confess because he couldn't keep his promise to Sakura. And while in time he partially did manage to fulfill it, Sasuke wasn't truly home. He left again. Only that this time all of them from Team 7 were in better conditions than initially.
But still, Sasuke wasn't here and no matter what, he considered it wouldn't have been fair of him to confess his feelings to Sakura.
Not to mention, seeing the scene from the day before between Sakura and Sasuke, Naruto knew that that was something that surely made Sakura happy.
He remembered it from the times he told her she had a charming forehead. Like a flower, her eyes opened wide and light sparked inside of them. He guessed from back then that it was an important feature for Sakura.
He would've kissed it right then and there, if he only had the chance. But he didn't and so many other things had happened ever since then.
Life has brought him where he was now.
Between the realization that the one he had been pinning over his entire life might've always been destined to love someone else, and instead another person might've been destined to love him.
Memories carried him back to the day she confessed, once again. Because oh my, it was a confession. A confession! It was never an enforcing statement from one comrade to another, but a confession!
What was he supposed to do with that information now? How was he supposed to act towards Hinata now?
Moreover, he couldn't help but dwell between these two aspects: choice or destiny. If she was always supposed to be in love with him, is it truly him that she loves or the idea of him?
How is he supposed to relate to that? Also, was him loving Sakura always destined, as well? Another "funny" play from the heavens to poke jokes at him?
This wasn't funny.
Everything felt so chaotic inside his head.
Naruto Uzumaki's brain was suddenly beginning to make all these crazy connections between different threads of thoughts that were born upon previous realizations. It felt a bit too much. Thinking this much it was never his strong suit. He rather preferred simpler things.
In this very moment he would've preferred to be rather that dense person he used to be. It seemed easier, than having to fight the right answer to all the questions inside your head.
But then thinking about Hinata, he realized how she must've felt the same way he felt when it came to Sakura loving Sasuke.
Ah, but isn't life cruel sometimes? He couldn't help but contemplate on that idea.
His look warmed as he thought that even if all this was true and Hinata only loved him because she was destined to, it wasn't easy. Seeing the one you love, love someone else it's well… Painful.
He has been, like Sai had pointed out, more than clear through his actions that he's in love with Sakura. The fact that Sakura hadn't seen it was another thing. Or, she didn't want to?
Among the other thoughts one where he recalled Sakura's suspiciously strange looking posture and look from yesterday when they talked. Ironically, about Hinata.
What had that been anyway? Was Sakura trying to tell him something he was oblivious towards, again? The same way she was oblivious about him? Or was just his stupidly hoping for something that he knew he wasn't destined to have?
The irony, really. It seemed like a never-ending cycle. But anyway, that wasn't the point.
Naruto shook his head and got back to his initial. The point now was something else.
It was Hinata, and speaking about her it mustn't have been easy for her either. He could empathize with the feeling of seeing someone you truly love, love someone else. That's really not the best feeling in the world. He knew better. Because as much as you love them and want the best for them, seeing that you're not at the receiving end if hurts. Even if just a little bit.
"Bah, if only mom would've been here!" he said. Naruto looked back to the sky, straight at the sun, as he remembered his mom.
She would've definitely known what to tell him, like she did when he met her inside his consciousness. Not to mention, she did tell him to find a girl like herself.
But… as his told his father about it, that particular side was a bit harder to complete. He was trying his best though, but maybe… Eh? Who knew?
A little splash of sadness touched his soul again remembering the final words to his father.
However, Naruto shook it off quickly. He was a big guy now. All he truly desired was to see Sakura happy at the end of the day. Even if it wasn't with him.
And, well, not to mention this destiny didn't seem to be on his side anyways. Since, well, Sasuke wasn't there so he could confess to Sakura and get this burden off with.
Funny, right? In a cruel, ironic way.
But eh, that's how things were for now and he apparently had to follow a certain path. And at the end of the day, if things were indeed like that, he thought as his mind circled him back to his initial idea, it meant they were all victims of this destiny thing.
At least, what he could do was to be the same old him. Connect and empathize with the ones around him.
Only that the way to do it with Hinata had to be done on such a sensitive topic. On one he knew so very well. Only that in her case, the subject of her very possible heartaches was him.
So how do you handle that? How do you approach someone in that case? How do you do it overall and especially in moments like the ones Hinata was going through?
Was that what Neji meant all along when he told him that Hinata would be ready to lie down her life for him? But he never wanted her to do that. Her or any other of his comrades.
That's why he fought so much to be this strong. So that he can protect them all. So that he can have them next to him. But war has taught him different. That death, especially that of a comrade is inevitable.
But still, he didn't want them to die. He wished, if possible, for all of them to live for so long so that they can together, make this world a better place for everyone.
He knew he needed the others for all the plans he had for the future. Itachi and the war had taught him that much. So no, he didn't want anyone else to die for him.
But how could he explain that to Hinata, especially in these truly sensitive moments? Where to even begin?
Naruto sighed once again. Man, this wasn't going to be easy for him now, was it?
As he continued walking towards the hospital and weighing up on everything he thought up until now, he decided on one thing.
He would start with something simple. Something he knew how to do best. Just be there for Hinata, like a friend. To support her and actually befriend her on maybe a deeper level than before. That seemed to be his "power" anyway.
The power to befriend others and look into their soul.
Only that in this particular soul there was a mirror reflecting back his own self. So how does one deal with that? Well, he didn't yet have an answer to that. So, that should be a problem for another day.
Baby steps until then. One thing at a time, or else things would get overwhelming and that's the last thing he truly wanted.
There was already a certain something that was weighing down on his head before any of these newly realized notions. And that was Sakura Haruno's punch if he wasn't going to fulfill his previously agreed-upon duties. He had given her his word that he would do so.
And Naruto Uzumaki was a man of his word, no matter what those words were.
