Chapter 2
Zel rubbed and huffed. And then he huffed again as he went on. It didn't matter how many times he rinsed the cloak. The clam stain refused to go. In the background was that little song: Monster. Monster. Monster. He couldn't get it out of his head.
"Shit."
The chimera growled and slammed the cloak against the sink. Then he went back to bed and buried his face in his palms. Monster. Monster. Monster. The boy tried to close his eyes, but the thought wouldn't go away. It was as attached to him as a grease stain was to a piece of cloth.
"Shit. Shit."
The sun arced across the sky as the hours passed and the boy stood still. Everything remained the same in the room. The air smelled musty and the curtains tinged the light with different shades of green and brown. Whole hours could have passed. He wouldn't know. Time was still oblivious to the chimera and that room.
However, the seconds kept parading outside. The seagulls were white big vultures that flew over the fishing boats, and the people filled the streets of the market. At the inn, the murmurs from the dining room were carried up the stairs, and the wood in the hallway creaked with each passing guest. One of these guests knocked now softly on his door.
"It's me," said a soft voice.
He sighed. He had been waiting for her.
"Go away, Amelia."
"I came to see how you were," she continued. "Listen, Zelgadis, I wanted…"
"Just let me be. Please."
There was a small silence in the hall. Zel heard how the wood did not creak, how the whole world made an effort not to be heard.
"You're still there, aren't you?"
"No…" she answered very softly.
He snorted in frustration and let his foot slam into the ground. It sounded louder than he expected, almost like thundercrack.
"Zelgadis? Are you okay? I heard a noise. I'm going in, okay? Y-you better be dressed."
"Amelia don't…"
The princess entered with one hand on her eyes as she weaved the other, groping the space before her. Amelia hesitated for a moment and then carefully lifted her hand from her face. Not only did she find Zel dressed, she found him exactly as he was in the dining room, except for his cape, of course. He still had his sword strapped to his belt. She was still wearing that mask of his over his mouth.
"You still have the mask on."
She carefully closed the door and moved across the room. The place had hardly any furniture: a bed, a chair and a table to the very left. The bedspread on the bed was olive green and the color matched the curtains.
"May l?" she asked, pointing to the chair.
"Do what you want."
She pulled the chair over to her friend and sat on it. "What's wrong, Zelgadis?" Do you want us to talk about it?"
"I told you. I'm not in the mood, Amelia."
A brief silence fell over the two of them. But what was once awkward was now part of their time together. Amelia liked her silences with Zelgadis. They allowed her to appreciate other aspects of her friend: how he turned the pages of books with his left hand, how his fists relaxed when he heaved a sigh. He was still on the bed and, now, he heaved a sigh.
"Do you want me to go?"
"No. It's not that."
The silence returned again. It went back to everywhere except for Zel's mind, where a single word encompassed everything: Monster, monster, monster.
"It has to be uncomfortable." She said then.
"What is?"
The princess pointed to his sand-colored mask.
"Wearing the mask on for so long."
Was it? The mask was now a part of him, just as much as his sword or his hands were. He hesitated for a moment and then carefully lowered it. The princess let out a small smile when she saw the tight line that his lips formed.
"Better?"
"A little," the boy admitted. He could feel how the air reached his lungs better. Maybe it was because he no longer had a piece of cloth over his mouth, or maybe it was because of that little smile of hers. Maybe…
"You know? My father always says that one always feel better after letting it all out."
"Nice try," he said, and despite himself, his lips curved.
She saw the gesture and mentally scored a small point.
"Can I do something to make you feel better?"
"Keep talking."
Her voice seemed to chase away the nausea and the nightmares. She blunted the bad memories. Maybe…
"Okay, does your attitude today have anything to do with how you look?"
"Amelia…"
"Has it?"
"Yes," he answered reluctantly.
"Why?"
"Questions weren't part of the deal."
"But…"
"Amelia, stop it."
The chimera rose from the bed and, for a moment, he appeared more imposing than usual. His face now had a hard and serious look, sharp as a sword, sharp as the rocks of his eyebrows.
The gesture caught the girl by surprise and she shrank back a little in her chair. It was mere an instant, but Zel saw the gesture. Thus, the hell loop returned to his mind. Monster. Monster. Monster.
"Do you think I'm a beast too? A monster?"
"What? Of course not!"
His eyes studied the girl. Her gaze was almost as intense as his. A look that burned with Justice.
"There was a time when you thought he was suspicious."
She went quiet for a moment. Unlike the first, Amelia could not enjoy this silence, for it was heavy and thick.
"Yes. But I don't think about it anymore," she answered at last.
"So what changed?"
"Now I know you, Zelgadis."
Those were five sweet words, but unfortunately, they weren't the right ones. The sentence was a surge that stirred the chimera and brought his guilt up to the surface. It had been a long time since this adventure had brought up his feelings and the mere act made him feel… Yes, it made him feel. Had he had time, Zel would have been surprised. But Amelia's mouth opened again. The terms crowded his being like the dust tightens in the corners. Weakness, pain, guilt… he had to shut them up somehow. He had to shut her down.
"I know you and I know you're a good man." Her hand made the threat of reaching up, looking for his. "I know that..."
"What? What do you think you know?" he cut in bitterly. And then he added, "You have no fucking idea."
Her eyes widened, large as oceans of doubt.
"The truth is that I stopped being a man a long time ago," Zel went on, "and, at that exact moment, I stopped being good too. I have no idea why you try so hard not to see it."
"That is not true."
A cruel scowl crossed his chimera face. Now he didn't just want to shut her up. No. That was no longer enough. He now wanted to show her how wrong she was. He wanted to end that conversation once and for all and let those weak maybes die. Tell her the truth. Zel wanted to end the angst and the blame. Tell her why you're a monster. He wanted to breathe, to stop drowning in currents and emotions. Zelgadis was still clinging to that bitter feeling, to that disgusting name. Monster. His mouth soured. His hands became fists of stone first, concrete blocks later.
"Oh, but it is. I did horrible things for a man I thought was good." Zelgadis's voice echoed around the room. He was cruel. It was cold and raw. "I did atrocities in the name of The Red Priest, and now they all haunt me. Do you want to hear one?"
He paused and looked at the princess. She was still mute in her chair.
"A long time ago, Rezo heard of a magical charm: the amulet of the Water Dragon Queen. It was a very valuable item indeed. The legend said that it was capable of curing everything and, of course, the old man wanted to get hold of it at all costs. Unfortunately, the merchant who had it refused to sell it. It didn't matter how much money Rezo offered him, the idiot wouldn't budge. So one night he sent me to his house." The entire night passed through the chimera's eyes. The fire. The threats. "It only took one night for him to change his mind. I still remember his look of terror when I mentioned his daughter and the frightened cry of his wife. That was the first time I was called a monster."
Amelia shifted in her chair, uncomfortable. The entire atmosphere had changed. The light now seemed dim and the green curtains too center of the room was still dominated by the figure of Zelgadis. He was waiting. He was expecting that grim gesture of rejection that he had seen way too many times in way too many faces. He waited for the princess's frightened reaction. What he received, instead, were words:
"I know… I know you did terrible things for Rezo. But I still think you're good now."
There it was again. That human feeling of guilt. That tide of nausea and weakness that washed over everything. Monster, monster, monster. Poor Amelia. She was still so blind, so wrong... He wasn't good. He was a fucking bastard.
"Has Lina ever told you how we met?"
She remained silent. Her ocean-colored eyes watched him intently as they threatened to sink him. He averted his eyes from hers and approached the princess, little by little.
"Lina had something Rezo wanted, so I went after her. I caught her with a Shadow Snap . I took advantage of the situation. I knew that she barely had any magic and then tied her up with a rope in the middle of a room. I even…"
At that moment, Zelgadis placed a hand on the wooden chair and exchanged another look with the princess. He saw her blue eyes sparkle with horror? Pity? He couldn't be sure. Amelia placed a hand on his and his mind became cloudy, hazy.
Guilt overlapped with surprise. Nausea made a pause for breath. She stood up, her blue eyes met his ice-colored ones again. They were full of challenge.
"I'm not afraid of you, Zelgadis." she declared.
This was not how things were supposed to end. This was not how he should feel. Now not only he felt guilty for his past actions, his attempts to kick Amelia out also crushed him inside. Monster. Monster. Monster.
"I…go away. Please."
"But…"
He felt the surge of emotions stir inside him. His muscles tensed. His being overflowed with feelings.
"Out!"
Carefully, Amelia's hand left the chimera's hand as he turned away from her. Still, he heard the hall's wood creak under her weight and her discreet footsteps toward the stairs.
The door banged against the wall and, thus, Zel was finally alone with his thoughts. A single word dominated his mind. It repeated itself rhythmically, like a pulse, like a refrain: monster, monster, monster.
