Once upon a time, I had expressed my neglect at giving much, if any, thought to how I would die.
In passing, when I was a teenager I would briefly think about what ifs on lonely Saturday nights when my mother was drunk and upset over Phil being gone for the week again. What ifs when I stopped seeing Charlie every summer; had we grown apart? Or had I stopped trying simply because I felt so alone in the world I found no need to make any new connections? What if I just left everyone alone, like they most likely wanted because what was I if not an accident prone inconvenience. Bad at sports, bad at socialising, bad at living.
But no. Fleeting thoughts were the most I had ever expressed when it came to what ifs and whens and hows.
James, the tracker, was the one who had opened my eyes to the true nature of death ; had it not been for him, maybe I would've survived a few more months without even thinking about death in general. But when his venom had entered my system and I laid on that cool, ballet room floor fighting for my life —- a torn Edward and concerned Carlisle frantically gesturing around in my line of focus while I smelt what could've been burning flesh —- I knew I may possibly die. Indeed, I would come back. . . but I would have died. When lying on that floor, I had imagined every possible way I could've died before that moment. I could've died when Tyler almost hit me with his car, I could've died in Port Angeles when that group of men had circled me and had longed to ruin every part of me. I could've died even slipping on ice, if I hit my head hard enough. There were thousands of times in my life that I could've died, and this most likely would have been it. The most unlikely scenario for any normal person — bitten by a goddamn vampire, burning to death from the inside out, and this was how I would die.
Except I didn't.
But the burning sensation that filled my body, infiltrating my lungs, my blood, my veins. It was nothing compared to how I had felt when Edward and his family had left me. It had been months and every night I woke up sweating, crying silent tears in fear of waking Charlie up. I used to not care, but when I saw that my decline in health had such a bad impact on him too, I had to be more discreet. A bad liar, true, but I was not the worst at concealing my hurt. It was how most mornings started. I would wake up at three am, clutching at my chest begging for air to fill my lungs as I gasped repeatedly. I would wake up with drenched sheets beneath me, cheeks damp with tears and eyes red from crying. I couldn't find peace, not even in sleep. And so, I gave up on sleep at that time. Awake for the three hours until my alarm would go off, I would think and reflect and reminisce on every memory I had of the Cullens. I wanted it to stop, but every time I tried to think of anything but Edward Cullen — there was such a deep pain in my chest it was like my body begged me to not forget, as if I would die if I stopped remembering him.
So, as much as it pained my mind to remember him, I would do it. Because remembering him and feeling lost and alone was less painful than forgetting him altogether. The memories weren't always pleasant. For a moment I would smile at remembering how his arms felt around me in our meadow as his skin glistened beneath the beaming rays of sunshine. . . and then, all of a sudden, as if a switch had been flipped or a vinyl had been damaged and was stuck on repeat, I would hear him say "you're not good for me" over and over again until I felt as if I couldn't bear it anymore. Jacob had given up, him and his tribe refused to see why I had such a fascination for blood sucking leeches and Charlie didn't know what to say anymore. I refused to move back to Phoenix, but I refused to come back to reality even more so.
I missed them.
Emmet, with his big brother attitude and his joking nature — I had always longed for a big brother and for a year, I was given one. Alice, with her energy and her loving nature, she was the first to love me with no inhibitions. Esme, the mother I had always wanted, I finally felt cared for and like a daughter as opposed to a parent myself. Carlisle, so caring for his children, more human than most men I knew. Jasper, so cautious but so kind, even when in pain he was always exuding some comfort towards everyone in times of distress. Even Rosalie, and her awful attitude and her refusal to accept me in the family.
And Edward. . . Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. The first person in my life to have made me feel secure, unconditionally loved. The first person to have shown me that love was more than just what I read about in my old, classic novels. It was more than just what people read about in books and saw in movies. He cared about me, and I care about him. Loving him was like a breath of fresh air. It was like finally seeing colours after only seeing in black and white. My world had shifted. Everything was brand new.
And then he left me, and my love for him, whilst unchanging, now hurt. It hurt to love him because I knew the feeling would never go away. I would be stuck, ageing and alone whilst he remained forever young, someday finding a new love. Someone who he could really see himself loving forever.
Yeah. Venom had nothing on how I was feeling right now. A broken heart? This was worse.
"Well, well, well. . . ." a musical, sarcastic tone would take over precedence of my thoughts as I glanced up at the woman in front of me —- a part of me had wished it was Rosalie. Funny, that. The one vampire from the clan who had despised my very existence, and here I was, hoping she was here right now.
It was not Rosalie.
Black hair fell in loose curls around a pale face, a wicked grin staring back at me, crimson eyes and a large scar in the shape of a wolf's claw down the side of one cheek.
A Vampire. Not Victoria, not Laurent. Not the Cullens. Not the Denalis, or the three Volturi men I had seen in the painting. Who was this?
"Who are you?" Despite the fear that gripped at her gaping heart, she mustered all the strength she could into taking on the appearance of confidence and indifference. The red eyes did not fear her, the unknown did.
"Does it matter?" The vampire would sneer quietly, a simper in her tone as she inhaled. "You smell like freesias and blood, but also like one of me. How could that be?" I absentmindedly pulled Edward's jacket closer around my frame ; one I had robbed from his house after he had left, all the furniture and clothes had been left there, like they had simply just disappeared.
"I suppose not. What is it you want?" I would tilt my chin up, a look of acceptance crossing over my countenance before I settled on a poker face ; a blank expression, eyes unwavering from their focus on the red ones level with me.
I am going to die. I am going to die. Edward left, told me to stay safe and I am going to die. This was for nothing, this pain was for nothing. I'll never see him again.
"Oh, I think you know better than to ask me that. It's very obvious what I want, dear one." She'd smirk now, and before I had a chance to compose myself she would leap at me ; a graceful movement for something so horrid, teeth clashing against my neck — venom coursing through me almost instantly as I felt the blood drain from my body. I don't know why. Why me? Of all the women, men, people who lived in Forks, why me? Was I a victim of opportunity or was I planned? Was she in allegiance with Victoria? Laurent? Did she know me?
The thoughts that plagued my mind soon became all consuming as I succumbed to unconsciousness ; left alone to myself, my thoughts, and the pain that ran through me. I had tempted fate, and now fate was laughing in my face.
Ha! You'll be one of them now, except alone! YOU said this was less painful than Edward Cullen leaving you behind and now you'll have to sit through this pain! And what's worse? This, or knowing what waits for you is an eternal life. Alone for eternity.
Good one, Bella.
I woke up three days later, eyes as red as the woman's who had taken my life from me.
It had taken some time to adjust. I knew I could never see Charlie again, not now, not ever. I had to sneak in to my room to leave him a note, saving him the trouble of going absolutely insane trying to find me.
Hey, Dad.
I'm sorry. I tried to be okay for everyone, but I'm not okay. I don't think I ever will be okay again. I need to be alone, because I'm so tired of hurting everyone around me. You get less sleep than I do these days because I keep you up with my screaming, my crying, my state. I am sorry I ever did this to you, dad. You deserved better.
I have decided to go travelling. Call it soul searching, call it running away. Call it what you like, but I am fine. I am on a journey. I am trying to be happy again, and I am so sorry. I don't think we will ever see each other again, but I will always look out for you, Dad.
I love you, Dad. Stay safe. Be happy.
— Bella.
If I could still cry, I would be. I knew what I was signing up for when I had fallen in love with — him but I hadn't expected to have had to leave Charlie like this. No proper goodbyes, no promises of keeping safe in a verbal form. I was alone. I was as safe as I could be ; a newborn, with more strength than most vampires — but I was alone, and my heart was still broken. So much for losing my human memories when I turned, I suppose.
I didn't know who this woman was, or if she had even meant to turn me — was she stupid enough to have allowed the venom to change me? Did she forget to kill me? Was she interrupted by someone, or something? Either way, I had been left on the ground to change for three days, with nobody finding me, nobody seeing me.
Alice. . . Alice didn't see me. And my future — god, could she still see my future? Was she even looking for me? Or did. . . did he make her promise to stay away?
Damn him.
I wish I could forget. I wish I could be consumed with vengeance and hatred and everything else but all I felt was tired. I longed for sleep. I longed to finally be at peace, but this was no longer a promise for me. It never would be again. I was damned to an immortal life without Edward Cullen in it.
I didn't entirely lie to Charlie. The second I had gotten my bearings ( I ignored that terrible feeling in my throat ) I had made a beeline for the Cullens' house and, once there, I had used the key Edward neglected to take back from me to get in. As much as I hated the clothes here, never one for Rosalie's and Alice's fashion, I took a handful of each one's closet. Ancient books on the history of what I now was, my Wuthering Heights book I adored so much. And then. . . and then I took to the garage.
The silver Volvo. The car that held so many memories that I couldn't let go of. . . god. It was on instinct that I took the key off the side. It was without thought that I pressed the button and slid into the driver's seat. It was on instinct that I left behind Forks in the matter of seconds, surpassing the speed limit.
Leaving behind my dad. Leaving behind Jacob. Jessica, Angela, Mike, Tyler, Eric.
Leaving behind Edward.
The last thought hurt more than the rest. Perhaps it was because it wasn't me who was leaving him behind. He had left me behind two months ago and, with him, he had taken what was left of me. I was but a shell without that man in my life, and I had barely come to terms with that when the demon had stripped me of what little life I had left in me. Should I have put up a fight? Should I have tried to run? No. . . she would've found enjoyment, amusement. She would've treated it as if it was a game, and I was but a pawn. Her prey. There was nothing I could have done.
As I turned onto the interstate, a large sign reading 'Seattle' staring at me, I slumped forward in my seat slightly. There was one thought that kept occurring in my mind. I couldn't shake it, I couldn't forget it. I longed to be without feeling, without having this reminder in my soul every second. It hit me like a freight train, and then it wouldn't stop hitting me ; almost as if someone was there, in front of me, delivering repetitive punches to my gut.
I was alone. I was completely alone.
Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! Please let me know what you thought. This is my first fanfiction in. . . years, and my first twilight one in general so i hope it didn't disappoint for a first chapter!
