Chapter 3

The morning dawned brown between the green curtains and found Zelgadis awake on the wooden chair. He just couldn't sleep. What yesterday had been a tidal wave of discomfort was now a tsunami of regret. His mind was still stuck on that eternal refrain, and when it gave him a break, then his thoughts returned to yesterday's conversation. He saw Amelia's defiant eyes as he heard the plaintive 'but' that had come out of the princess's mouth; the furious 'out' that had come out of his after. The chimera released sighed. He felt like a real piece of shit.

Little by little, the inn woke up from his lethargy. The hall floors creaked under sleeping feet and the murmur of voices rose from the dining room.

He didn't want to go down. He didn't want to face Amelia's blue gaze or Lina's fiery eyes. Today, he wanted to be alone. He wanted to stop thinking, to stop feeling. For a moment, his head flirted with the idea of going out the window and saving himself the trouble. After all, why not? He had his sword and his pack with him. And it was so simple… But then he remembered. Shit. He had to find that Hellmaster's Jar. It was his only clue to get out of that hideous body.

The boy slowly got to his feet and picked up his cloak from the sink. He carefully approached the door and took in some of that stale air. "Here we go." He told himself.

He pushed his mask up over his nose and walked slowly down the steps. Halfway through, he strained his ears: in the murmur of the dining room, there was no trace of Lina's howls nor of Nama's irritating laughter. With any luck, they weren't down yet. That would buy him some more time. Time to chew and digest that discomfort.

The dining room was packed and the mixture of realities was even painful for his senses. The smells hit his nose as soon as he entered: it smelled like toast and coffee, like armpits and scrambled eggs. Then, came the colors: the brown of the wood combined with the white of the lime and the yellow of the sun, with the worn iron of the windows. And, among that cocktail of colors, a red mane stood out.

Shit.

Lina and the other four companions were sitting at the table: the squeaky armor, the stuffed animal, the mercenary, and the princess. Each one gave him a different look as they watched him come down the stairs. Lina's one was served with an extra rancor and a side dish of evil.

"Hey"

"Ugh," she answered.

Zel motioned for the waitress to bring him a coffee, and while he waited, he swept a look around the table. Everyone seemed to know about his little argument with Amelia and each and everyone had different phrases written on their faces. Pokota's frown read 'You deserve it, you asshole', while Gourry's crooked smile seemed to say 'You overdid it yesterday, mate.' Nama's metallic face was a mystery to him, but Lina's eyes conveyed her intentions loud and clear. She had a 'YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THIS ONE, HANDSOME.' written down all over her face. And Amelia… oh, Amelia. Her gaze averted from his and her hands clenched tightly on an empty cup.

Another tsunami of guilt washed over him. Moron.

The coffee arrived and the group ate in silence. Every once in a while, Lina would pluck Gourry's pancakes off his plate, but she seemed to be doing it out of inertia. There were no triumphant shouts or fierce fights. Only the sound of their mouths chewing and Nama's screeching as she moved. When the food was finished, Zel's mask covered his mouth again and Amelia got up first:

"I'm going to pay the bill," she whispered.

And, when she disappeared through the door, the members were giving different excuses to also escape from the table too:

"I'm going to train," Gourry said.

"Nama is going with him," added the armor quickly.

"I…I have things to do," Pokota replied.

"And I…" Zelgadis began.

"You'll stay."

The last phrase belonged to Lina. Her voice sounded terrifying, but the look on her face was definitely worse. It was as sharp as thorns. It was as menacing as death itself.

"Sit down, Zelgadis."

The chimera sat down again and the rest of the group ran away.

"What do you want?" he said reluctantly.

Across the table, Lina clasped her hands together and narrowed her eyes, glancing over at her friend. "Look, I don't know exactly what you've done to Amelia and I'm not going to get into it. That's between you and her."

"But?"

There was a 'but'. With Lina there were always 'buts.'

"But whatever it is that you've done, you're going to fix it."

"Or what?" he answered.

She didn't respond to the provocation. A smile spread across her face, and when she parted her lips, the chimera knew exactly what would come out of her mouth.

"Amelia?" She said with an angelic voice and at the top of her lungs, "Can you come here for a moment?"

Then the girl turned to her friend and her voice sounded serious, dangerous again. "Fix it, Zelgadis Greywords. Or your appearance will be the least of your problems."

Lina held her gaze for a moment longer, until Amelia's footsteps were heard in the dining room again and the princess entered the door. There, her expression changed. It went from being as menacing as a dragon to being as sweet as a terrible tea.

"You called?" Amelia asked.

"Amelia! Yes. Look, Zel was just telling me how desperately he wanted to talk to you."

"Lina…"

If looks could kill, Lina would now be little more than mush. Zelgadis was glaring at her and she, in return, set a splendid smile.

"I'll leave you alone, okay? Have a good time."

The boy gave the sorceress another poisonous look, then watched her disappear through the door. Meanwhile, the princess, who had been behind the chimera the whole time, didn't catch any of the parade of murderous looks.

"Is that true, Zelgadis?" she asked. "Did you want to talk to me?"

He turned to face her. Her mouth was set in a fine crimson line and her eyes kept averting his gaze. She was sad? angry? He wasn't sure.

"So?"

Angry Definitely angry.

But the worst part, the worst of all, was that he deserved it. The waves of nausea that ran through him told him so, same as Lina's perfidious gesture and even Gourry's sad smile. What the hell! Even his common sense told him so. It was yelling at him loud and clear: 'You deserve it, you asshole.' For some strange reason, his common sense shared the language and the bad temper with a two-foot stuffed plush.

Zelgadis stifled a sigh. He was caught between a princess and a terrifying sorceress, and as Lina predicted, there was nowhere to escape.

"Yes," he said at last. I wanted to apologize."

"Why? Because Lina told you to apologize?"

"Y-no."

Shit.

One of Amelia's eyebrows rose a little.

"Okay, yes. But that's not the only reason. I… I shouldn't have yelled at you yesterday. I'm sorry Amelia."

"Thank you," she replied.

A small island of silence rose in the sea that was the dining room. Zel liked those little moments. They weren't tense, as they sometimes were when he was with Gourry. Nor were they imperatives, like the ones he shared with Lina. These were simply silences, and he enjoyed them. They allowed him to hear Amelia's calm breathing, to see her lips curl every time she contained a question.

Now those lips curved, slowly, almost reluctantly.

"Come on," he encouraged. "You have a question, right?"

"Yes."

For the first time since this morning, her eyes searched his.

'I want to know what happened yesterday, Zelgadis. What happened to you?"

That wicked rhythm came back to him: Monster, monster, monster. Waves of guilt stirred his feelings and his hands clenched into fists.

His mouth was going to open in a lie, but then he thought better of it. That wouldn't work with Amelia. She knew him too well.

"I'll get over it. Don't worry."

Those were the words that came out of his mouth. His gestures, for his part, hid others. Her clenched fists signaled the chimera's discomfort and his frown read 'do not push me. Do not ask.'

"Anchor?" she asked then.

"Anchor," he replied.

That term was part of a code. It was their safe word, their trench. It was a reference to that terrible time they went hunting for lake dragons, and it was an episode that Zel avoided at all cost. Gracia was anchor, Rezo was anchor and, for the time being, physical intimacy was an anchor too.

Amelia gifted him a sad smile and gave her chimera's cloak a little tug before he could leave. "If… if at any time you want to talk, will you tell me?"

Now it was the Chimera's turn to smile. The princess could almost see the outline of his mouth under the mask.

"Of course."

Then the boy turned around and went back the way he had come, up the stairs.


It wouldn't go away. It wouldn't go away. The day gave way to evening and that thought was still stuck in his memory. The flames licking at the merchant's house, the nagging sense of guilt.

Meanwhile, the group was still trapped in that town. Lina had hired a boat captain to take them to the next town but, unfortunately, the boat didn't leave until the next day. So that afternoon the six friends entertained themselves however they could. In the courtyard, Gourry trained himself by killing imaginary enemies and Lina buried her nose in a book. From time to time, she would also cast a fleeting glance at the mercenary's bare torso. In the dining room, Pokota, Nama, and Amelia were playing cards. Zelgadis, on the other hand, there wasn't the slightest trace. The chimera had barely left his room all day, and when he did, he always wore his sand-colored mask.

He was still trapped in that loop of discomfort, in that tsunami with bits and shards of the past.


A scream ran through the corridor of the inn and chilled the blood of those who were not yet asleep. It was a cry of anguish.

Zelgadis woke up with a start and, to his astonishment, he found that he was the one who was screaming. The chimera had managed to close his eyes for a moment and so the waters of his oceans of guilt had leaked into his dreams. He had dreamed of Rezo, of that poor scared merchant, of…

A sharp knock sounded on the door of his room.

"All good mate?"

It was Gourry's voice. In the background, Lina's muttering could also be heard as well as Nama's armor screeching.

"Should we break down the door?"

Yes, that was Lina, there was no doubt.

"No," he answered. "I'm good. Go back to bed."

Was he? This wasn't the first time he had had nightmares. Those have kept him awake for many nights and, although he tried to be discreet, Amelia had caught him more than once reading late at night. However, it had been long since he last screamed in his sleep. Waves of coffee-tasting nausea rose through his stomach. The chimera buried his face in his hands as he heard the wood creak under his friend's feet. They all went back to their beds. All except…

"Zelgadis?"

Amelia. The princess was still behind the door. Zel could hear her fidgeting feet, her soft breath against the wood.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

He didn't answer. He knew that, even if there was a door between them, Amelia could see right through his lie.

"Can I come in?"

"Fine."

There was no point in trying to stop her. Lina might have been stubborn as a mule, but Amelia was obstinate as only royalty can be. Besides, he wasn't sure he wanted to be alone just yet.

The chimera got out of bed and adjusted his mask. Then he lit the kerosene lamp and its light illuminated the princess's gray pajamas. Suddenly, the moment felt very intimate, and the room felt really small.

For her part, the princess seemed not to notice. She borrowed the wooden chair and sat down on it. She then brought a hand to her chin and let her head rest on those white knuckles. "Talk to me, Zelgadis. I know you said anchor and I want to respect your space but… it's obvious that something is affecting you, that something that is eating you on the inside."

The sentence was something halfway between a plea and a whisper. The chimera sighed and sat on the unmade bed. A thin silence enveloped the room as he weighed his options and she watched him doing so.

"Come on. Dad always says that…"

"That one always feels better after letting it all out?" he said sarcastically.

Damn Phil. The waves continued to sweep his body to the sound of nightmares and memories. But… maybe he was right. Keeping it all to himself wasn't working. After the nightmare, he could feel his heart racing as well as a strange weight in his stomach. Should I tell her? He looked first at the orange flame of the lamp, then at her sea colored eyes. Maybe…

But no. He couldn't. For a moment he thought of letting go of everything, he thought of confiding in her and wait for… For what? Compassion? Understanding perhaps? It was too pretty to be true. It was too sentimental to leave his lips.

"I'm sorry, Amelia. I can't."

In protest at his words, the waves stirred. Guilt and nausea returned to his throat and the chimera closed his eyes.

"It's okay, Zelgadis. It's fine. I'll wait as long as it takes."

Time had made them both know how to read between the lines. Thus, the boy knew that when Amelia said 'but', she really meant 'no' and, she knew, that when he said 'it's nothing', he was actually hiding a polite 'Leave me alone. I do not want to talk about it.' Now, he read between the lines of her last sentence and said out loud:

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I care about you, Zelgadis.

She said it with all the naturalness in the world, as if it wasn't the first time he had said something similar, as if this wasn't the closest they've been to intimacy. Zel looked into her eyes. Maybe…

The chimera was torn between the desire to let go and the anguish of doing so. It was as easy as parting his lips. It was as simple as stopping holding his breath. It was sentimental, yes, but a few words, and Amelia would be gone. A small dose of truth and the princess would be disgusted by his weakness, by him.

Guilt and nausea bubbled through him, and part of him knew he shouldn't get carried away. He knew that he had to pull his mask up even higher, he had to put an anchor in between. He knew it and yet he said: "I don't know if that's something you want to hear, Amelia."

"I don't care. I want to know."

Another of Zelgadis's sighs filled the silence.

"Fine. If you want to know so much, I'll tell you. It's the past. The past is eating me up. What I told you about the merchant, what I told you about Lina… I didn't say that to scare you, Amelia. It's all true. All my actions haunt me and harass me even." He tried to breathe, but it stayed like that, just like a mere try. He closed his eyes. "And these days it has gotten worse. These days …"

Monster.

"Go on," she encouraged. "It's okay."

One of her hands slid down to rest on the green bedspread, a little closer to his. He did not realize it. The tide of nausea had taken control again and now it was all guilt.

Monster.

"These days all this surpasses me, Amelia. It disturbs and overwhelms me."

"I understand."

Monster, monster, monster.

"No. You don't. Everything I've done proves they're right, can't you see? I stopped being who I was a long time ago." His voice seemed to have surrendered to the evidence, it became serious, slow. Then, he finally spat out those words that anguished him so much. "Now I'm just a terrible creature. A monster."

"That's not true."

The princess's hand tried to grasp his bluish one. But he withdrew it. He didn't want her pity, not even those absurd maybes he clung to. He wanted the contempt he deserved. He wanted to be left alone.

"Really?" By Ceiphied, Amelia! Look at me!"

His stone hands gripped the wooden chair as he brought his face close to hers. She noticed his sharp eyebrows first, his icy eyes later. His gaze was serious, defiant, and she met him with the same look in her blue eyes. "I see you, Zelgadis. And I know that ,despite everything, you're a good person now."

The hands gripping the chair lost strength. And the look that had been defiant once now turned cloudy and confused.

He didn't get it.

"Have you heard anything I've told you?"

"Yes."

He didn't get it.

"Yes," she continued. "And I was also there when you saved me from Garv, when you helped us protect Saillune, or when you stood up to Phibrizzo. You may not be proud of your past, you may have done terrible things, but you have changed. Now you are not only my friend, my bodyguard, now you are also a good man."

Another small silence fell in the room. The two remained motionless and the flame of the lamp was, for a few seconds, the only evidence of the passage of time.

"And do you want to know something?" she added. "Everything you told me yesterday… all of it… I already knew it. It was impressive to hear it from your mouth nonetheless but…

"Wait wait. What do you mean you already know?"

The princess nodded silently, and a smile crept across her mouth. "You think my father hires people without checking them out first?"

"But then how…?" Why?

"I've already told you, Zelgadis. My father read all the reports of your past, but he also learned about the good you did: the people you helped while you were with Rezo, the times you helped me, Lina, the times you've helped the world. You are not a bad person, Zelgadis. And you're certainly not a monster."

For the first time in a long time, Zelgadis was speechless. His mouth opened and closed under the mask, like a fish out of its pond, like a cloth puppet.

The princess took advantage of that small pause to rub, with her white hands, his indigo colored ones. The tide of guilt gave way to doubt for a moment and, that maybe from before, now flapped its wings strongly.

"And it doesn't matter if you don't believe it. I will remind you as many times as necessary."

At that moment, Amelia carefully lowered his mask. And, behind the sand-colored fabric, she found his blue lips curved. Behind it she found a shy line that, strewn with weaklings maybes, spread little by little across the chimera's face.

And you know what? Phil was right. Letting it all out had made Zel feel better. Oh, the guilt and remorse were still there, of course. But he no longer felt like he was drowning in them. The tsunami of nausea that was her body was now just a tide, a rivulet.

Thus, chimera and princess were suspended at night. The two still, together. They shared a tender moment, they shared one of those silences they loved so much. An eternity passed, then two, perhaps three, before one of them moved. Zelgadis took the princess's hand and, for the first time in two days, he felt how the voices in his head withered, how those weak maybes flourished.