Chapter 1

"This meeting of the top-secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will now come to order, Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding. All salute!" said Calvin.

He and Hobbes were wearing paper hats and standing inside a wooden crate, which sat in the crown of a tree. The tree stood in Calvin's front yard.

Calvin banged a gavel on the rim of the crate- er, excuse me, tree fort,- officializing the meeting's beginning.

"Alright, court stenographer Hobbes shall now read the minutes of our last meeting," said Calvin.

"Thank you," said Hobbes, taking out a notepad and reading from it. "'4:19: Meeting called to order. Minutes of previous meeting read. 4:21: Minutes finished. Dictator-for-life voices discomfort with perceived "editorial slant" of minutes. 4:22: Dictator-for-life orders nuclear option against enemy. 4:23: Stenographer brings up impracticality of plan, making several breaches of club decorum in process. Receives 2 demerits for this. 4:24: Stenographer refuses to enter his own demerits into record. 4:26: Stenographer blows Dictator-for-life a raspberry. 4:25: Political negotiation. 7:20: Stitches administered to all parties. Meeting adjourned.'"

Calvin wiped a tear from his eye. "One of our most successful meetings."

"Indubitably," concluded Hobbes.

"Let us hope that today's meeting will go just as well, or perhaps even better (if such a thing is possible)," said Calvin. He banged his gavel again. "Now, I shall brief the troops on today's mission! Take notes, stenographer."

Hobbes flipped to a blank page in the notepad.

"Sun Tzu's The Art of War says one of your best advantages is a battlefield your enemy is unsuited to," began Calvin. "With this advantage, we may just be able to wipe out the hated enemy forces forever!"

"'Much applause for Dictator-for-life's wisdom'," recorded Hobbes on the notepad, despite the fact that they were the only ones outside and the yard was totally silent.

"However, to decisively conclude which battlefield offers us the most advantage, we must experiment," Calvin continued.

"'Pounding on tables. Much hoorahs and chanting of Dictator-for-life's name'," Hobbes scribbled.

"I propose a strike force!" shouted Calvin. "We'll launch aerial, head-on, and subterranean attacks against our enemy, find her weak point, and tear her apart!"

"More hoorahs. Some club members begin singing G.R.O.S.S. anthem ahead of schedule. Other members attack them, launching into a brawl. Utter pandemonium ensues."

"You can tell this is a great club because we have so many members," smiled Calvin. "Alright, then- let us launch the aerial assault!"

And with a bang of the gavel, so it was.


"The enemy" was a young girl named Susie Derkins, who had recently moved in next door.

She was actually quite nice, but had a temper, although it rarely came out.

Currently, she was having a tea party with her dolls, rarely looking up.

The perfect time for an aerial ambush.

Calvin had taken his dad's old drone out of the attic and used its claw to lift a water balloon.

Hobbes was currently controlling the drone from the tree fort, and Calvin was hiding in the bushes in Susie's yard.

Got that? Good.

Down in the bushes, Calvin slapped his wrist, then jerked his thumb to the right.

Hobbes consulted the notepad.

They had come up with a code of hand signals so Calvin could tell Hobbes where to line up the drone.

The one he had just used meant, "Forward and to the right".

Hobbes fiddled with the remote control, and the drone did as instructed.

Calvin's eyes widened. He punched in the air and then opened his fist.

This signal meant "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

Hobbes halted the drone's progress and looked down to Calvin for further instructions.

Calvin slapped his wrist twice and made a cutting motion at his throat, which meant "Not forward enough, go backward and do it again".

Hobbes fidgeted with the controls a bit, and the drone shot backwards.

Calvin made the "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP" sign again, and began waving one arm in the air while turning his head side to side.

Hobbes consulted the notepad again.

"Okay, that one means 'That's not backward, go to where you started…'"

Calvin clapped his hands and moved them in a circle.

"...you fleabag."

Annoyed, Hobbes pulled back on the remote and the drone went mostly back to where it started.

Calvin glanced at it, then held his hands to the side and spun in a circle.

This meant "Too high", so Hobbes lowered the drone a bit.

Calvin made a shimmying motion- "Now too low".

Hobbes managed to get the drone to the right height.

Calvin began twirling his finger in the air while clapping on his shin with his other hand, drawing a circle in the dirt with his left foot, and whistling the cavalry.

This one meant "CHARGE! CHARGE! CHARGE!"

"What are you doing?" came a voice from behind Calvin.

He jumped in the air and spun around to see a curious-looking Susie Derkins.

"What am I doing? You're a girl, and you're asking me what I'm doing?" he snarled defensively.

"Yeah," she said bluntly.

Calvin threw his arms in the air in outrage. "This is none of your business!" he spat.

"My yard, my business," said Susie. "So, care to explain why you were jumping around like a deranged orangutang?"

"...Trying to swat a bug," said Calvin.

"Took you a while to answer that," observed Susie.

"Are you calling me a liar?!" exclaimed Calvin, jabbing his finger at Susie.

"Would you rather be called a freakshow?"

"Would you rather be called toothless?" asked Calvin, pounding his fist into his palm.

Up in the treehouse, Hobbes consulted the notepad just to be sure. Throwing his arms, jabbing his finger, pounding his fist- yes, it was the signal. He pressed a button on the remote.

A few dozen feet above, the drone released the water balloon. It plummeted through the air and landed…

Right on Calvin's head.

SPLAT! "GAH!"

The balloon burst open, covering him with water.

"YOU FURBALL! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HIT HER, NOT ME!" he wailed.

"Wait a second… you were going to drop that on me!?" Susie fumed.

"Ah, so the light dawns," Calvin sneered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tiger to thrott- urk!"

Susie had him by the collar. "Not if I throttle you first," she snarled.

She began winding up a punch. Calvin's eyes widened- he shouldn't have underestimated her…

Suddenly, the drone went into a steep dive, and slammed into Susie as hard as possible.

This wasn't really that hard, but it was enough to make her stumble and let go of Calvin.

In an instant he was off like a rocket, practically running straight up the tree's trunk and diving into the tree fort.

Calvin put his paper hat back on and turned to Hobbes.

"Okay," he began. "Normally I'd demote you for botching the operation, but you saved me from getting pummeled, so I guess we're even."

"So, now what?" asked Hobbes.

"The aerial attack was a failure, so now we commence the head-on attack," said Calvin.

He banged his gavel to officiate the decision.


"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Hobbes.

They were holding one water balloon each and were both sitting in the wagon, which they had managed to sneak into Susie's back yard.

"Of course it's a good idea!" snorted Calvin. "We'll charge in, blitz her with the balloons, and escape before she can even react! It's flawless!"

"But what if now that we've attacked her once, she's prepared for further attacks?" questioned Hobbes pointedly.

"Come on Hobbes, she's a girl. It's not like she's smart enough to use actual strategy," snorted Calvin. "Let's go!"

He leaned forward and the wagon began to move; slowly at first, but it built up speed as it hurtled down the downward slope Susie's house was built on.

Hobbes groaned- after the raptor encounter, he had been hoping to stay away from the wagon for a while.

Calvin steered around Susie's house and the wagon clattered into the front yard.

Susie came into sight, still having her tea party.

"Alright men- OPEN FIRE!" Calvin shouted.

Susie looked up in surprise as Calvin and Hobbes lobbed their water balloons at her.

Suddenly, she took out an umbrella from under the table and opened it.

The balloons splattered all over the umbrella without a drop of water touching Susie.

"Curses!" Calvin shouted as the wagon clattered past her. "Well, an umbrella won't save her from this!"

He turned the wagon back towards her- directly at her, in fact- and leaned forward, putting one last burst of speed into the rusty wheels.

"Uh, Calvin, we're gonna crash into her!" Hobbes pointed out.

"That's the idea," grinned Calvin.

Susie stared thoughtfully at the wagon's kamikaze charge and shut the umbrella.

At the last possible moment before the wagon slammed into her, she leapt to one side and used the umbrella's handle to hook the wagon's steering column.

Twisting her body, she swung the wagon and its passengers away from her.

"I CAN'T STOP!" Calvin shouted, pulling on the steering column as hard as he could.

His efforts were in vain, however, when the wagon crashed into a thick oak tree.

SMASH!

It broke in half and hurled Calvin and Hobbes in opposite directions.

They slammed into the grass, their vision swimming.

Groggily, Calvin stumbled to his feet…

And saw an irate-looking Susie approaching him, holding the umbrella in a way that implied its use as a melee weapon in the near future.

"TACTICAL RETREAT!" Calvin shouted, grabbing Hobbes and zooming back to their yard.

They clawed their way up the tree, crashing into each other several times, but not even noticing in their panic.

Finally, they collapsed into the tree fort, exhausted.

Once they had caught their breath, they put their paper hats back on.

"Okay," squeaked Calvin, his vocal cords worn from screaming. "Susie is evidently a far bigger threat than we had thought. But, we can't give up now."

"Can we?" panted Hobbes

"Keep that attitude up and we'll never win," said Calvin. "And look what we've accomplished- we know that our enemy has the advantage with aerial and head-on battles. Now, we attack from below."

BANG! went the gavel.


Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Scrape! Scrape! Scrape!

Vrrrrrrrr-k-k-k-k-

"Darn!" said Calvin. "One of my drills is jammed!"

He and Hobbes were in a small tunnel of their own design. Calvin had a pair of drills he had taken from his dad's toolbox. Hobbes didn't need any tools- he had his paws.

Despite the half-hour they had spent digging, though, their tunnel hadn't even gotten into Susie's yard.

Calvin managed to get his drill working again, and they resumed their burrowing.

Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Scrape! Scrape! Scrape! Scrape! Scrape! Scrape! Scrape! Scrape!

"I've been thinking," said Hobbes as his powerful paws pushed away the dirt. "Wouldn't it be more efficient to use a shovel instead of drills?"

"Of course not!" Calvin snorted. "These drills are automatic and take far less elbow grease."

"Yes, but we need a lot of extension cords to get them working," Hobbes pointed out.

"And what does that have to do with anything?" snarled Calvin.

"It means that this tunnel isn't exactly covert," said Hobbes.

"Covert? Who needs to be covert?" shouted Calvin. "I am the Dictator-For-Life of G.R.O.S.S! The Planetary Sovereign Supreme! I am-"

"Completely filthy," said Calvin's mom. She reached into the tunnel and pulled him out by the scruff of his neck. "Come on young man, you're taking a bath."

"Mom, you're botching the operation!" Calvin wailed, trying- and failing- to twist his way out of her arms. "And it's the afternoon anyway!"

"Yes, but I am not risking you getting the house dirty once you come in- I just swept!" sighed Mom.

"Hobbes! I deputize you to complete- leggo my leg- the operation!" shouted Calvin desperately as Mom carried him inside.

The door slammed shut.

"Welp, that frees up the afternoon!" said Hobbes happily.

He crawled out of the tunnel.

"Now, I think the salmon migration's in the spring, and it's spring, so…" Hobbes grinned, approaching the forest.

Suddenly, he paused.

"On the other hand, Calvin's probably gonna be mad if I don't finish this up," he considered.

With a heavy sigh, the tiger crawled back into the tunnel.

Scrape.


"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Calvin screamed as Mom carried him upstairs towards the bath.

But you see, screaming was availing Calvin nothing. And so, his brain decided on an unconventional approach.

(Mostly because his brain itself was unconventional. More on that later…)

Calvin took a backseat and someone else took the steering wheel.

And Calvin wasn't being carried towards the bathroom anymore. No.

Instead, the intrepid space ranger Spaceman Spiff had lost control of his personal spaceship after asteroids hit it, and he was careening towards an uncharted planet!

"Our hero pulls at the controls, but the altitude-o-tron is completely totalled! Prepare to enter the atmosphere!" Spiff narrated.

His red saucer-like ship was beginning to glow even redder as an aura of friction surrounded it.

However, he could still see out of the bubble-shaped glass dome enough to note one thing.

"The planet is made out of water!" declared Spiff. "That means OXYGEN! Prepare to eject!"

He hit a button, and the bubble dome popped open.

In an instant Spiff's seat was ejected from the saucer.

Back in sanity, Mom had managed to drag Calvin inside the bathroom and was trying to force him towards the bath.

However, to Calvin- er, Spiff- that meant his parachute had failed to deploy, and he would have to bail out.

"Luckily for our hero, water landings were covered in training!" shouted Spiff.

As his seat plummeted from the sky, Spiff launched himself upward.

Assuming a diving position, he sliced through the air like a knife.

In seconds he slammed into the water's surface and began to sink…

To Mom, though, Calvin had just jumped out of her arms and dove headfirst into the shallow bath.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! CALVIN!" she cried, rushing over to the tub.

Spiff had been dazed by the impact with the waves.

His head was the only thing that was swimming as he sunk deeper… and deeper… and deeper…

But, with the head trauma, Spiff was shaken out, and Calvin reasserted himself in his body.

He took a look around at the ocean abyss he floated in and scratched his head.

"Weird," he said. "I didn't think the bath was this deep."

As Mom stared at the suds in horror, Calvin suddenly burst out of the water.

Coughing, he spat water all over Mom.

She didn't even notice as she fussed over Calvin.

"You almost gave me a heart attack!" she said.

Calvin rolled his eyes. "C'mon Mom, what could've happened?"

"You could've cracked your head open by diving into water this shallow," murmured Mom.

"Shallow? But I thought I saw…" Calvin looked down through the suds. The bath was as deep as ever. "Huh, weird," he concluded as he resigned himself to being washed.


Scrape.

Scrape. Scrape.

Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.

"Whew, all this digging is hard work!" said Hobbes, wiping sweat from his brow.

Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.

A grimy Hobbes crawled out of the tunnel, favoring his overworked paws.

Calvin came out of the house. "Alright Hobbes, does the tunnel go under Susie?"

"Absolutely," said Hobbes. "Her tea party's right on top of it."

"Perfect," said Calvin. "Let's get to work."

Hobbes ran inside while Calvin went inside the house.

The tiger rushed into the kitchen.

"Whereisit whereisit whereis- aha!" he cried, spotting the pressure cooker.

Hobbes grabbed the pressure cooker and rushed outside.

Meanwhile, Calvin had found the hose and was filling the tunnel with water.

"Turn the hose up to max, would ya?" he shouted.

Hobbes walked over to the faucet and cranked it up.

The hose sprayed out a far more powerful geyser of water, causing Calvin to shake.

"Whoa-oa-oa!" shouted Calvin, shaking from the pressure.

Hobbes helped him hold the hose steady, and in a minute they had filled the tunnel with water.

Susie looked up from her tea party to see Calvin yelling at his toy tiger.

So, about normal for him. Hang on, was that the hose? Was she going to have to chase him off again?

Calvin grabbed the pressure cooker and clamped it down on the tunnel entrance.

Turning a few knobs, he cranked it up to maximum.

"Oh, this is gonna be epic!" he grinned.

Hobbes winced and covered his ears.

Below their feet, in the tunnel, the heat and pressure was building up.

The water began to bubble, then boil, then rise

A rumble shook the ground.

Susie's eyes widened- this couldn't be good…

It wasn't.

FOOOOOM!

With a roar, muddy water erupted between the yards, blasting a trench open.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Susie screamed as she was blown sky-high.

A massive wave covered everything, except Calvin and Hobbes, who had taken cover under the porch.

They slowly crawled out to take a look at their handiwork.

Absolutely everything within a 200-foot radius was utterly drenched. Susie, looking stunned, had been blasted into a tree. A giant muddy trench had been blown open between the yards.

Calvin grinned. "This is great!"

At that point the pressure cooker fell out of the sky, bounced off of Hobbes' head, and landed on Calvin's.

They stood stock-still for a moment, then fell over backward.


A couple hours later, they were sitting in their room.

"I can't believe this!" exclaimed Calvin. "So I soaked a girl and blew a minor trench into the yard. That's no reason to ground me and make me pay for new soil!"

"Well, at least they're not making us buy a new pressure cooker," said Hobbes.

"True enough," said Calvin. "And look what we accomplished! We now know that we have the most advantage with subterranean attacks. And so, I award us all bottle caps of valor!"

He pinned a bottle cap to Hobbes' chest, then his.

"Well, at least grounding will offer us some peace," said Hobbes.

"As if," sighed Calvin. "Mom's making me sign up for the class play. Says it'll teach me to get along with others."

"Does she know you at all?" asked Hobbes.

Suddenly, Dad poked his head into the room. "Calvin, have you seen my drone?"


Happy Valentine's Day, although this story has absolutely nothing to do with that. Sorry for the long delay.

And if the Spaceman Spiff bit seemed like a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment, it's actually epic foreshadowing.

All reviews welcome, but please- no flames.