And I can go anywhere I want,
Anywhere I want, just not home.
And you can aim for my heart, go for blood
But you would still miss me in your bones
my tears ricochet - Taylor Swift
I shivered as I walked around in the familiar streets of the city, empty at this hour. It was still before dawn, but it always was in winter. The streetlights were projecting faded yellow lights on the sidewalk, still wet from the snow.
I was literally freezing, consequences of getting out in winter weather without the appropriate outfit. I couldn't care less, though, because the night was over, our night was over. It had been wonderful, it had been perfect, it was over. The truth broke my perfect illusion, the happiness I thought I finally got.
So I threw him out. I showed a strength I didn't have and threw him out without looking back, ignoring all my feelings screaming in my heart. Then I left my home. I couldn't stay one more minute in that apartment, because every corner of it was reminding me of tonight. I was already crying enough like that.
So I was wandering aimlessly and endlessly in the streets. Secretly unable to breathe, tears running dry on my cheeks, I cried over my loss. I cried over the friend that I lost, the pillar who collapsed, the voice I would never hear again, the arms that would never be my home anymore.
I sighed, the cold air getting into my lungs and freezing everything on its way. In the span of a single day, my life had been broken, re-built and broken again. Our last conversation still spinning in my mind, when he accused me of not being able to love, or have a true relationship, one who would last, and I didn't want to admit it, but it had made fear creep into my mind. What if he was right? What if… what if I kept screwing everything over, before life could, like it always did? I hated that he knew me so well, sometimes. He had hit… right where I didn't want to. His accusations were… so right that I felt pathetic. He knew exactly where to aim, where was the key of the problem, and it made me laugh, because he was right, and yet he didn't even know the reason, the person that made me like that. I bit my lip. Allison.
I closed my eyes and accelerated my walk. I didn't want to think about her. Didn't want to add another feeling of loss to the one he had left behind him. Because no matter how much I hated him, at the moment, I still missed him. Deeply. So deeply that I imagined calling him and meeting him wherever he was, getting on a plane to Seattle and surprise him at his place, and a thousand other scenarios, because I knew he was missing me too. I knew that if I wanted, I could easily get back to the paradise I was in just a few hours before, but I was too hurt to do that. So, for now, I'd just let him miss me.
