Force Dyad

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A/N-thank you very much to everyone who kindly read and reviewed the last chapter.

Chapter Thirty-Four-Self Realisation

When the guilt returned again to haunt Ben, he took in a deep breath. One second passed. Two seconds passed. Three seconds passed. A fire burned in his mind and throat at the realisation he had been wrong. He had let his anger and bitterness toward Skywalker skew his vision, and allow Snoke in to stoke the fires of his grief over Rey in order to manipulate him into doing what he wanted. He stood in the very same spot where he had seen Rey and Voe buried underneath a ton of masonry and bowed his head in anguish. The rubble had been moved-whether by physical means or by the use of the Force- either way no one would have gone to all that trouble if those buried underneath hadn't still been alive.

Ben felt something bump against his lower leg and he glanced down to find BB-8 trying to capture his attention. He hadn't even been aware that the little droid had followed him off the ship. Ben hunkered down and reached out to straighten the wonky antenna on top of BB-8's dome head. The little astromech let out a low whistle as he enquired about Rey. Ben's eyes moistened as he became aware that the devoted little droid had no idea what had happened at the temple or Rey's subsequent fate. BB-8 had remained on Grimtaash the whole time and completely missed the devastating events that occurred after their arrival.

"Why can't I feel her, BB-8?" Ben asked the little droid miserably.

BB-8 emitted a series of confused beeps. He had no solution to offer, still being in the dark about what had happened to Rey. Regret weighed heavily on Ben's shoulders. He pushed himself back onto his feet as his eyes became blinded with yet more tears. Now he was thinking more rationally he was able to view past events through a different perspective than the one he had at the time, in the heat of the moment. The crushing loss of his force bond with Rey had almost driven him to insanity, followed immediately afterwards by Skywalker's sudden appearance, it had made him lash out without thought or consequence and in doing so had led him down a path of self-destruction.

Thank goodness he had decided to reach out to Magda….

Ben was well aware of his many flaws. There were times his brain fried up when he panicked or felt threatened. There was no excuse; he owned his behaviour. He tried to remain on the light side, tried to be good, and then a trigger is flicked. HIs emotions would turn - cold, fearful, anxious... he'd back away, flee or strike out without thinking. Just like he had when confronted by Skywalker's cruel and unfounded accusations, his uncle's callous words had triggered a frightening rage inside him and resulted in him making a deal with the devil.

If he had followed through and gone to Snoke…?

Ben squeezed his eyes shut, thankful instead he had sought the female Mon Calamari's help, that he had allowed her to see the frightened child he was within, damaged and afraid, the one still finding security in the dark because he didn't think he was worthy of living in the light. Magda saw his faults but she also saw the light inside of him, just like Rey did. She wasn't judgemental, instead doing her best to turn a hopeless situation into a positive one. Her advice had led him here in search of the truth and now he had found it.

Opening his eyes again, Ben cast his eyes to the smouldering ruins of the former jedi temple and resolved to work on his issues, he could no longer let his troubled past define his future. Those were things for him to work on, not for others to mitigate, he was an adult after all. He had to stop living in a state of flight or fight, until he found a way back to being calm and steady. Having Rey in his life had kept him emotionally stable for many years, caring for her had given him focus, a way to heal his fractured soul. Ben understood now that wasn't fair to her, she shouldn't be responsible for his happiness, for his peace of mind. He had to find those things within himself. He had put a heavy burden on her young shoulders without even realising he was doing it.

"I'm sorry, Rey." Ben whispered. "I'll do better. I promise I won't fail you again."

Closing his eyes again, Ben reached out with the Force, seeking Rey. He could feel the fear in his chest waiting to take over when he was confronted with the same emptiness as before, like she had fallen completely out of existence. The fear sat like an angry ball propelling him towards an anxiety he just didn't need. He could feel himself falling into the same trap as before, his emotional turmoil preventing him from his achieving his goal.

Ben called upon old meditation techniques to try and clear his head. His tiredness made him weary, he couldn't remember the last time he'd slept. He felt like every muscle was giving into gravity. Slowly the meditation techniques began to help him see through the chaos engulfing his mind. His sadness, his fear, his hurt... they were simply birds flying around his head. At first, in knowing this, he felt alone, isolated within his mind. But, after a time, he knew it meant he was in control. The sad memories of Rey's loss only existed in his head, he pushed them back into the furthest recesses of his mind... and they floated away. His fear and grief were reduced to nothing at all.

Ben's face relaxed and suddenly there it was…. like the finest gossamer thread…. their connection…. their bond….

Ben concentrated hard on this fine thread-so fragile, so weak-and tugged on it.

A/N-thanks for reading! That was the rest of chapter thirty-three…or thirty-four now, LOL