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Note: This was written in 2015.
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Story: [Louise of Fuyuki]
Summary: Louise de la Valliere is Summoned to the Fifth Holy Grail War. As every Class. A mass-X-Over of various famous (and not so famous) fanfictions and the different versions of Louise that can be found in them.
Genre: Humor, Crack, a bit of Horror
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Disclaimer: I don't own anything. In fact, since this is a fanfiction of other fanfiction, I own even less than usual.
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XXX Sakura Archer XXX
Sakura stared at the Servant in front of her. At the pink Servant in front of her.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen so much pink gathered in one spot.
She was wearing a pink robe and a very big – and rather cliched – wizard hat. Her face was shadowed by the brim, but her eyes seemed to glow pink from within, and Sakura could've sworn she'd caught a glimpse of what appeared to be pink hair as well.
The only thing that wasn't pink about the Servant was the rather obvious machine-gun that she carried in her hands.
It looked terribly out of place, but the Servant looked so utterly bizarre in its pink-ness, that it was hard to really consider a machine-gun being present as something 'odd'.
"This is your Servant?" Zouken asked with what sounded like contempt from behind her.
Even if she wanted to have answered, she was barely able to stand, let alone form coherent sentences.
"Gah!" The Servant exclaimed, apparently startled by the man's presence.
Zouken was vaporized as a gigantic beam of light caused him to explode, showering their surroundings with his blood.
The Crest Worms within Sakura acted out their Master's final command, and set about killing her from the inside out.
"Uhh... oops?" The Servant said sheepishly, as she stared at the spot where the man had once been. "Was he important to the plot?"
She was answered by her Master's dying gasp of air.
The Servant stared at the corpse of the one who'd Summoned her.
"Now, now. We can't have that. It'd be a shame to ruin this fic before it even got started." She muttered to herself, before casting Revive at the young woman.
Sakura gasped out in horror as she was suddenly capable of breathing once more, and found herself no longer dead.
"Right-o! Let's go blast up some Servant and-..." The Servant trailed off into indistinguishable mumblings.
"Umm, 'and' what?" Sakura asked, deciding to focus at the Servant's oddity rather than the absolute impossibility that it'd just made possible.
Making a faced as if pained, the Servant sighed. "And not accidentally explode anything... again. Unless something happens... like if I miss... or if they deflect it... or if the explosion gets a bit bigger than I though it'd be..." She looked quite disheartened as she mumbled, before suddenly brightening. "But that's okay, because I've got my trusty M60!" She patted the machine-gun fondly.
Sakura decided then and there to try and aim her Servant only at targets where the collateral would be minimum. Like, only allowing her to fight on the surface of the moon.
It was a very sensible decision.
XXX Shirou Assassin XXX
Batting away the magical attack with her sword, Assassin remained otherwise immoveable, knowing that there was no point in chasing after the form of the Servant who was already retreating at her appearance.
It was too dark to tell much of anything of her opponent, but from the speed of their retreat, they were likely to be one of high agility. Hopefully without the underlying strength to back it up, because an enemy with high agility, high strength, and the ability to perform magic would be a difficult enemy indeed.
Still, there was no point in pursuing, and the Servant had already disappeared, so Assassin turned toward her summoner, her Master.
And wasn't that amusingly ironic? To be labeled the Servant, when her own Legend had been something she'd made as a Master?
The boy was attractive enough, even if his expression showed him as fairly clueless to the current series of events. In fact, the expression reminded her of something. Something distinctly familiar.
Not that it probably mattered, she had the traditional greeting to perform after all.
"Servant Assassin, upon your Summoning, I've come forth. Are you my Master?" And if she fudged the line somehow, then she could excuse herself with it having been years since she last heard that voice speak those words to her in her dreams.
Apparently though, the boy was as clueless as to what was happening as she herself had been, all those years ago.
Had she really looked that stupid, gaping like that? She couldn't have, right? She must've been much more composed and definitely not gaped at all!
And if anyone disagreed, she'd explode them to the moons. Both of them at once. Because they'd bounce.
Still, it'd be rude to not at least try to salvage her Master's reputation, even if the two of them were the only ones present. "Master, what do you know about the Holy Grail War?"
"The what?" Her Master asked in return, faces contorting in confusion.
Again struck by the strange feeling of there being something distinctly familiar about the expression, Assassin sighed softly. "A secret war between seven magi, the Masters, and seven summoned Servants, or 'Heroic Spirits'. It's a free-for-all massacre, and the one left standing gets the chance to use the Grail to fulfill any wish."
The boy now looked appropriately horrified, though there was something oddly determined about the expression as well. Maybe he already had a wish? It would explain why he was Chosen for the War, despite not knowing anything about it.
Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that there was something so definitely familiar about him...
"Ah right, well, my name is Emiya Shirou. Pleased to meet you, Assassin-san."
Assassin's world froze and briefly flashed monochrome.
Stumbling as her feet tried to trip her over, Assassin stared at the face of her Master. At his red hair, and at his brown eyes, and found herself suppressing the sudden urge to cackle madly.
This was too funny. This was like a prank being pulled on everything that had made her into who she was. It was a prank that proved to her, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Root was sentient and had a sense of humor.
Because of course she was Summoned by him.
They were Master and Servant, after all.
XXX Illyasviel Saber XXX
Illyasviel von Einzbern stared at the Servant who was crying softly as she ate plate upon plate of food, even when there was no need for her to eat since she was a Heroic Spirit.
The sheer mass of it was impressive, in a slightly peculiar way, but the fact that she kept crying and mumbling sweet nothings about how this was 'nearly on Asuna-sama's level', was why Illya was staring at her.
When she'd Summoned her Servant, despite the lengths they'd gone to in order to assure which Hero was Summoned, instead of the giant of a man that would've been Hercules, a woman with pink hair had appeared, wearing armor and carrying a sword. It probably gave a few members of the Einzbern family deja vu, considering who'd they'd Summoned for the last War, but the Servant's identity was definitely neither Hercules nor King Arthur.
When asked to use a name, she'd called herself 'Zero', and when pressed had admitted that she'd abandoned the name of her birth before her Legend had even begun.
She was a strange person, acting like a strict but noble knight one moment, a gentle sister-like person the next, switching off to smiling sweetly as she ruthlessly dismantled the arguments of those she disagreed with, and ending with raging loudly and childishly over a lack of decent food until she'd been satisfied.
Part of Illya wondered if it was part of her Legend somehow or if the Heroic Spirit had always been so bizarrely bipolar. But for the most part she just enjoyed having someone around who'd listen to her without her having to be worried that it might be reported back to her grandfather.
That, and listening to the woman cheer from the bottom of her heart at being able to eat another meal in this existence, helped Illya with her own attempts at trying to capture as much as possible within her very limited time in this life.
XXX [UNKNOWN] Berserker XXX
Berserker wasn't mindless.
This was not because her Summoning as a Mad Class had failed, but because of what her own Madness consisted of.
It was a corruption of the psyche, a second personality hidden away from view, a nightmare who tormented the original, a being who wanted to show the world just how amazing they could be, a monster created for destruction and murder.
Berserker had been hated and feared by her original mind, and sometimes she wondered if Alex ever felt the same thing from the other minds within him. They'd been suitable partners, one a monster in flesh, and the second one a monster in thought. At least, that's what the original had always thought.
But Berserker didn't agree. She wasn't a monster in thought, she just wanted to be recognized for her abilities, she just wanted to pull the original downwards and drown her forever in the Void until her lungs gave in and only Berserker was left so that she could be free in their shared body, she wanted to carefully wrap the original in a hug and whisper soothing nothings in her ear until she snapped her delicate little neck and took her place.
Was that so wrong? Was it so wrong that she wanted her chance at life? To live, despite the original having the first claim? Despite the original owning their only body?
It was Berserker's magic anyway, wasn't it? The little Zero so greedily stole from what was hers, so why shouldn't Berserker in turn steal some of what was hers? Her body for the Void, the Void for her body, it was a trade.
And the little Zero whined and whimpered and hid away whenever she so graciously allowed the girl to see what she'd unknowingly traded her flesh for.
But now it was Berserker's turn. And she wouldn't be held back by some little human wanting to hide away and leave the fighting to others. Berserker was made for war, for death and destruction and corruption of innocence.
So she'd ever so carefully strung the man up in his intestines, where he could happily dangle in the warehouse's faint breeze.
She'd made sure to find somewhere with air-conditioning, because humans liked those things, didn't they? How polite she was, to go to such lengths to make her former Master comfortable in his last few hours, she mused to herself as she closed the door to the long-since abandoned warehouse, listening to the howling of the wind through the building's thin walls as she began to make her way across the freshly fallen snow.
Her every footprint a brownish red, as the blood slowly began to dry.
The howling winds easily drowned out the remaining whimpers of the thing that had once been a person, its existence pure agony as the biting cold of the unrestrained winter winds sapped it of what little remaining strength that it still possessed.
It would not be found until the thaw of arriving summer finally allowed the smell to emerge, of a person lovingly draped in its own inverted skin, and hung suspended from the ceiling with its own still attached entrails.
The forensics would say that it must've taken them hours to finally die.
And wasn't that kind? To allow her Master to live? To allow that person to breathe a bit more delicious air before their strength finally faded into nothingness and they were claimed by the Void of nothingness?
She would make sure to greet her former Master once they arrived. There were so many things she could show them in that place, so many wonderful delicious nightmares to share with them.
But first, there was a War to begin.
XXX Bazette Ruler XXX
Ruler stared at her Master, feeling a distinct urge to punt something small – and preferably noisy – into an abyss.
She'd really been hoping that she wouldn't have to deal with a woman who made a suit look good this time around. It was bad enough to deal with that mustache-growing fashion-designer, she really didn't want to accidentally stumble into something like that in regards to someone who didn't have an aura of male-ness that Ruler could solidly blame if she found her attractive.
Which was why she was now contemplating kicking something small into an abyss. Where was that stupid jester when you needed him, anyway?
Still, it wasn't like her Master was an awful one or anything, seeming at least fairly professional about the whole War-thing.
The fact that the woman hadn't tried to attack her for wearing her armor was an obvious bonus in the matter.
It was so hard to find someone to talk to when she was wearing the full suit of armor. Or rather, it was hard to find someone to talk to that wasn't trying to kill her, wasn't a Minion, wasn't a demon, and wasn't her sister.
Though, considering the vampire-thing, the 'demon' part might technically include her sister, if she thought about it. Not that it made her sister any less wonderful and kindhearted.
Just a bit... eccentric about some things.
Like the unicorn-thing...
Or maybe there was just something about their family and horses? It would certainly explain why those damn ponies wouldn't leave her alone.
XXX [UNKNOWN] Rider XXX
Rider growled to herself.
Her Master had had it coming, and if she'd acted somewhat underhandedly in order to bring him to justice, then that was well within her rights.
How dare he insinuate why she was Summoned as 'Rider'. Such a despicable person was lower than even a dog.
Though admittedly, Rider's version of a 'dog's' place in society was supposedly a bit distorted according to some of her classmates. Not that she paid them any mind. A dog was a dog, no matter how kindhearted and beloved it was.
She refused to declare that person as anything other than a 'dog', because to do so would be to declare him a human being, and humans couldn't be trusted. Humans weren't loyal, and could easily betray. Therefore, he was a dog.
Because he was hers, and he was always going to be hers.
Her loyal, wonderful, and annoyingly perverted, dog.
Thankfully, it had been easy to convince her Master to give up on the War. To have him surrender his Command Seals and retreat to the Church for protection. She might've been forced to use somewhat underhanded means, but she'd succeeded without issue.
Now all she needed to do was to find her dog.
So... the question was whether to use magic to Summon him, or to follow the girls wearing indecent clothing until she stumbled across him.
Rider's eyes narrowed angrily at the thought. She should probably find him through mundane means first, that way she would be able to properly drive home that he would be punished for running after other girls.
Huffing slightly, Rider started walking.
Now, where was the closest place with indecent women that her familiar might 'stumble' upon?
XXX Rin Caster XXX
"You need a hat." Caster declared after observing her Master critically for a long moment.
Rin blinked, torn from her frustrated musings of having Summoned a Caster when her way of fighting would've been much more suited for a Saber, by the pink-haired girl's words.
"What?" She asked, partly hoping that she'd just misheard her.
"A hat. You need one." The Servant nodded resolutely, motioning towards her own hat. "They're very useful, and quite fashionable."
Rin continued to stare at the short girl. "I have no need for such a thing. I'm a magus."
Caster tilted her head, frowning cutely. "Even twin-tailed tsunderes can look good in a hat." She tried to assure her Master.
Rin's stare turned into a frigid glare, as a deceptively polite smile appeared on her face. "I see. However, it would take time to get used to such a thing, and considering our current state of risk of imminent death, I'll have to decline."
Caster muttered something sullenly about hats being very important, but decided not to argue the point further.
Clenching her eyes shut, Rin tried to fight the headache emerging from the thought that her Servant might be insane.
Not only small, of the wrong Summoned Class, and disturbingly innocent-looking, but actually insane.
Finally giving up on fighting the headache, Rin went to bed. She really didn't feel like dealing with this right now.
And in sleep she dreamed, of plants that spat fire, of dodging helplessly until all thought was forgotten, and of burning to death time and time again, before being mercilessly revived by a handsome man on a field of sunflowers.
The only thought she would keep with her as she woke up after a night of terrors would be that, indeed, a hat might look good on her.
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XXX Meetings During the War XXX
XXX Assassin and Archer XXX
Archer stared at Assassin, trying to comprehend what had just happened.
"Y-You-..." Her voice quivered as she watched with wide eyes. "You're using two different Magic Systems, and a Magic Absorption Sword."
Assassin felt her eyes narrow slightly at being so easily discovered. Her magical circuits had always been a very useful ace up her sleeves, and to have it revealed so bluntly was enough to make her suspicious.
Archer continued to stare at her with wide eyes. "No." She finally spoke. "No! That's so totally not fair at all! I call shenanigans! H4X!" She accused as she pointed towards the pink-haired woman.
Assassin felt the tension flow out of her quickly enough to nearly stumble on the spot. "What?!" She demanded, glaring at the absurdly pink little girl.
"You're only supposed to use one kind of magic! That's just too OP! Someone nerf the Assassin-Class! It's too H4X!" Archer continued rambling inanely.
Thankfully, nobody had any clue what she was talking about, otherwise they might've taken offense.
XXX Archer and Berserker XXX
"No! I won't have it!" Archer declared with an unusually solemn face.
"Be at ease, Archer. We will put an end to Berserker's madness right now." Saber assured the absurdly pink Servant.
"No!" Archer yelled, turning towards the Servant of the Sword. "Can't you see?! If you kill her, what will happen to the plot?!" She tried to explain. "This fic is barely even getting off the ground War-wise yet! We can't just kill our main villain before the Final Showdown!"
Berserker turned to stare at the unexpected ally she'd apparently found in the Servant who was probably crazy enough to warrant a Berserker-designation of her own. "So... you'll let me go?" She asked, disbelieving.
Archer glanced towards her as she indeed moved as if to defend the Mad Servant from the others. "There can't be a proper hero, without a villain! Go! Fight and grow into a mighty Final Boss!" She grinned widely enough that it was visible even through the darkness underneath the brim of her absurdly large hat. "And then, you'll be worth a ton of EXP for sure!"
Sakura stared at her own Servant, not sure if she ought to be horrified, or just exasperated, at how quickly the pink magic-user had decided to defend a homicidal creature that was fully intent on leaving a massacre in its wake.
On the one hand, it was a pretty horrible thing to defend. But on the other hand, Sakura had kind of grown used to her Servant's apparent madness on many subjects, to the point where she would merely sigh in resignation whenever the Servant decided to explode a nearby – and most likely populated – building by accident.
It was kind of disturbing, the things that a person could grow used to.
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XXX Louise of Fuyuki omakes XXX
XXX Taiga and Saber (Alternate Universe) XXX
Shirou stared in confusion at the pink-haired girl standing next to Taiga.
The same pink-haired girl who was sitting by the table, patiently awaiting food to be served.
Only, they were dressed differently, and this one didn't have a talking sword that made his head swim when he tried to imagine it.
She was also staring fixedly at his hands where they'd frozen in the middle of preparing the meal.
There was a hunger in those eyes, a hunger that was mirrored eerily in Taiga's.
Almost as if she was willing to kneel before him and declare him a creature of heaven, if only so that she could mooch as much food from him as absolutely possible.
In fact, now that he thought about it, the pink-haired girl who must be some manner of Servant, had a Skill.
And the Skill clearly declared that she would fight twice as hard in the face of losing access to good food. That she – a being of noble bearing – would unashamedly beg like a dog for a scrap of tasty food.
So even when Assassin reacted to the pink-haired Servant's presence by attacking her, Shirou couldn't really bring himself to fight.
Because there was no doubt in his mind that this Servant would be a good influence on Taiga's own shameless behavior.
If only because she'd be able to see what she looked like from another's perspective.
XXX Shirou and Assassin (Regarding Ideals) XXX
Assassin stared at her Master, feeling a mixture of amusement and annoyance creeping up on her.
He was so similar to him, and yet so very very different. But perhaps that was only to be expected, his personality had been molded after time, after endless set-backs, after endless struggle, after endlessly continuing forwards towards her.
Sighing softly, she shook her head. "Master, I will not become a hypocrite, and so I will not tell you to 'not save others'. But please keep in mind the consequences of your actions before you act rashly. If you save one, ten others will die; and if you save ten, one will die. Just never forget that math is, despite many claims to the contrary, not the foundation of the world. Every life is unique, and so they must be weighed differently, even though they're all precious."
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XXX The fanfics that were used XXX
Sakura – Making Magick (Archer) by Mashadar
Shirou – Hill of Swords (Assassin) by gabrielblessing
Illyasviel – Zero Art Online (Saber) by Racke
[Unknown] – Unfamiliar (Berserker) by Cpl_Facehugger
Bazette – Overlady (Ruler) by EarthScorpion
[Unknown] – [Original Canon] (Rider) by Noboru Yamaguchi
Rin – Be careful what you wish for (Caster) by Vanishing Trooper
Omake:
Taiga – Zero Art Online (Saber)
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A/n: Yes, I should've asked permission; and no, I probably won't because I'm lazy and uncomfortable with admitting to my own failures at making this fic into an actual story. But they're good stories, so go read the originals!
Also, Berserker and Archer probably differ somewhat from their particular stories. This is because Berserker isn't given enough screentime for me to get a decent reading on, and because the Archer I'm writing is heavily based on the various "omakes" that were written for the idea on the spacebattles forum.
Anyway, I hope that it was entertaining to read, even if it's rather disjointed. As for why they're Summoned as the Classes they are?
Archer – Owns a gun.
Assassin – Adopts a False Identity in order to travel the world.
Saber – Knows no magic, but is a famous swordsman.
Berserker – Why don't you try and find a good story where Louise truly goes berserk rather than act aggressively tsun-tsun? Not so easy now, is it?
Ruler – She is an Overlady, and she is planning on taking over the world (only temporarily and for the Greater Good, but still).
Rider – Her Familiar owns an airplane, and a close friend of hers keeps lending them her flying dragon to get around on.
Caster – She spends an awful amount of time learning how to make best use of her Explosions, to the point of becoming a fairly competent battle-mage with those alone.
