At sixteen, if someone would have asked Polly where she saw herself in four years, this would not have been what she pictured.
She is only twenty years old, and yet she had experienced enough loss and pain to carry it with her for a lifetime. She feels completely alone and aimless. Both of her parents passed away just after her high school, she never managed to find herself at college and her boyfriend…
Well, Jake is another story.
Polly could not turn back the clock, she could not change her fate or beg for mercy. She is not in the business of wasting her efforts, and none of those hopes would be ever fulfilled. It was out of her control, and all she had left to do now was keep moving forward.
It seemed almost impossible, though, to move forward when the girl still felt stuck in place, barely coming to terms with life as it would be. Not only had her nightmares taken form in the death of the people she loved, but everything she had known before was now out of place, broken apart or simply gone.
Worst of all, the man she had loved for several years, even as a young child going into elementary school, appeared to her now as hardly more than a stranger, someone she could not recognize. Every memory, every moment and word that had ever taken root between the two of them, it is now all out of reach, as if it was not meant for her anymore.
All that she felt when she looked at him was agony. He only served as a reminder of everything that she no longer had, of what she would never get back.
It was torment, to be touched by him, to listen to him, to see him. It is a mockery of all her sadness and suffering.
Polly did not find peace with him, and the apartment that they shared did not quite feel like home. She could hardly even breathe when he was near, the walls around her only tightening until she felt as if she would shatter to pieces, turn into dust, and it was unbearable when the guilt of such a thing began to bubble up, burning in her veins and eating at her heart.
She understands that it is not his fault, that Jake is mostly a victim of his own circumstances, as much as she is, but it still hurts. They are adults now, and she understands his struggles, but she is struggling too, and it seems like he is not able to give her the same structure as she tries to give him.
Nevertheless, Polly also believes that Jake does not deserve to fall victim to what she felt, not when he had spent all this time hurting just as she did, yet still choosing to stay and trying one more time, trying a little harder. He had lost just as much, and the honourable thing to do was to stay, to try mending what had been broken, to move forward together.
At this point, though, all she wanted, all she needed, was to walk away, to move forward alone.
So, when the sun rose in the early morning hours and Jake still slept soundly in bed, Polly fled, with only a minute's worth of hesitation, leaving behind everything apart from a messily packed suitcase, only a scribbled note serving as her goodbye.
Anything that Polly once believed that she would find when she moved to Skukuza, South Africa, she was mistaken.
It has been a long-held dream of hers to become a veterinarian, to help with the efforts of preservation of animal biodiversity. Throughout her high school career, she volunteered at the city's animal shelter and partook in many collection drives for the cause. At community college, while she could not finish her degree, she excelled in her course as an assistant.
That degree would not make her a living in the US, but it is enough for a work visa in South Africa, and here is where she decided to hide. Settling down in a new town, such a small one at that, was not the easiest thing she had done, but it is incredibly refreshing, something the arid landscape could not boast very often.
There is something strange about the village. It is so small, but the constant flux of tourists, researchers and employees of the park made it feel as if it was cosmopolitan and busy, more so than the suburb Polly was raised in, even if it was two hundred times the size. Huge animals linger around the houses, and even venture in on occasion, but it is peaceful and quiet. More so, while there is virtually no crime, she can always spot a policeman: they are always on watch for poachers.
The first few months were tough, too. The nightmares had not stopped, even if the time zone had changed substantially. It would often disrupt her sleep and leave her to sit awake in sweat and tears. Sometimes, Polly would catch sight of a blond head of hair, which were surprisingly common around the camp, the scent of cinnamon or cranberries, or the tune of a specific song that reminded her of what was left behind.
It had been good to Polly, the strangeness and difficulty notwithstanding. To be surrounded by new faces and new architecture and new languages put her at ease, even if only a little, for there were few to no physical reminders of everything she had been yearning to forget.
Jake Fletcher. She had found both love and friendship wrapped in one single person. She understands that this is rare and precious, in its own way.
The blond boy, opinionated and brave, had claimed her from the very moment they met, when she defended Buddy from a pair of bullies at gym class. Over the years, that fascination bloomed, first as an unwavering friendship, and then as romantic attachment.
It had been one of the few good things to come from her years of schooling, actually. Every single day was filled to the brim with laughter, adventure, and contentment, but she could not feel those things in her heart anymore, as it disappeared like it never happened. It had all been lost just as quickly as it had been found.
Polly was too sheltered, and Jake was not sheltered enough. Soon, he lost himself into the drugs he took, the gangs he joined and the fights he picked, and, while she wanted to help him desperately, she had no clue on how to actually do that and would make a mistake after the next.
She still does not know what she was supposed to do back then, even with all those years and plenty of hindsight to be had.
At one point, Jake finally rose above it and began reaching for help, for treatment, and she thanked the stars above for that. A shame that his moments of greatest demand were exactly those that she also needed help, as it sinisterly coincided with the death of his parents.
Her boyfriend took everything that Polly had to give, and now she is nothing, she is nowhere, she is no-one. Now, she is alone, desperately searching for replacements for all that she had lost.
Slowly and steadily, she managed to build herself up again. It was different, new to her, but that was exactly what she needed. She made a home out of a cosy wood cottage on the edge of the village, empty of any old memories in the form of either objects or words, a fresh canvas for her to paint with new memories. She found employment with the park, being an assistant veterinarian and learning through practice.
Free weekends, rare as they were, would be spent settled on a bench overlooking the golf course with a good book, or in the quiet of her home with warm coffee, marula cream and cookies. She took everything day by day, by schedule and routine.
Soon enough, a year had passed her by, and she even met a new someone. A man, a Dutch expatriate like her, someone simple, someone who could offer her a life almost the exact opposite from the one she had with Jake.
It was the final piece to the puzzle, really. Or at least that is what she convinced herself was the final piece.
In what felt like such short time, he had moved in, and even proposed. Polly took every step with him in stride, eager to keep moving forward, even if there is a tiny part of her heart that still belonged to the man she loved before, a part that still screamed his name.
She pushed it down, though. She hid it away, and she wore the ring that symbolized her life with this new man. She thinks that she eventually did learn to love him, the same way she had loved Jake before it all went wrong. Or maybe not in the same way, but rather there was enough love to make life with him not to be a sacrifice.
He is the one who held her now, the one who kissed her, touched her, wiped away her tears. She wore his sweaters, danced with him in the living room, shared a cup of coffee on rainy days. Everything that Polly had ever done with Jake, she now did with him, replacing the old with the new.
Except this time around, she planned a wedding.
Polly is anxious. She is counting down the days until she walks the aisle, until she makes the promise of a lifetime, when she takes one of the ultimate vows one may promise to another.
She will be wed to a man that does not quite look like the one she had expected to make such a promise to. Or rather, they look alike, but are nothing alike at the same time.
There were only nine more days to go, nine more days to wonder about whether or not this is the right thing to be done.
It was late, the clock ticking close to midnight. The night sky in the Limpopo is always clear and set alight with the moon and plenty of stars dotting the silky darkness of dusk.
The veterinarian's assistant sat in the living room, leaning into the cushions of the couch with a blanket loosely draped over her shoulders, daintily flipping through a novel that she is not really paying attention to, but which is entertaining enough to avoid her mind to steer into dangerous directions.
She is alone. Her fiancé had bid his goodnight a few hours ago, already asleep in the bed, half of the space waiting for her late arrival, but her thoughts were especially hectic that night, and due to that, she is wide awake, unable to silence her newfound anxiety and fears.
Just as Polly was about to pour herself a third cup of tea, a soft round of knocks against the wood of the front door distracted her. She certainly is not expecting anyone, and she knew better than to answer for a stranger, but her curiosity lead her over.
Her hand quickly finds the creaky doorknob and the door itself being pulled open soon after. Suddenly, she is face to face with the one person she thought she would never see again.
Her breath is caught on her throat. "Jake?"
He is different from how she remembered him. For one, he wore a suit, instead of a hoodie or a toque. His blond hair had grown, and his skin cleared, there is a focused look in his eyes and even the tiredness of what was, no doubt, a long flight into South Africa weighed him down. He seems he is grown into himself, and she wants to hate him for it.
Now, he grows up. Now, he is independent. He could not have been this strong and focused man when she needed him to.
"Oh, thank God." There was a small smile tugging at his lips, his features softening in relief. "When no-one answered, I thought that I got the wrong place again."
"Again?" The woman echoes. "Jake, what on Goddamn earth are you doing here? How did you find me?"
He bit his lip in hesitation, fumbling with his hands against his chest. "It's rather easy to find someone nowadays. Internet is a great source of information and stuff."
Polly scoffed, moving to close the door, but his foot was quicker, stopping the door just before it came into contact with the frame.
"Please, just hear me out for a minute, alright? It's the least you can do, after all this time." He offered.
A moment of silence hangs between them as the woman considers his words.
"Fine." She concedes.
Opening the door wide once again, he motions to get inside, but she does not invite her ex-boyfriend in. Instead, she leans against the frame, arms crossed, disposed to listen to him from her front door only.
"One minute." Polly warns. "Go."
He sighed heavily. "I miss you, okay? You left me, and I waited for you to come back, but you didn't. You were all I had left, and suddenly you were gone, just like that. Do you have any idea what that does to a person?"
"Jake, I…" She begins but is soon interrupted.
"I'm not done, Polly." Jake steps closer, his posture straightening with newfound confidence. "I want you to come back home. I want you back, with me, in the US. I don't care about anything else, okay? You'll come back home, and we'll figure out the rest."
The veterinarian's assistant averts her eyes.
"I can't do that." She responded, laconic.
"Why not? Give me one good reason." The blond man demands.
"I already am home, okay? This place, Kruger National Park, where I am now, this is my home. This is my life now, and I won't go back." Polly stated, conviction on her voice. "I'm getting married, Jake. In nine days, as a matter of fact. I'm not walking away from that."
Jake ran his hand through his golden hair in frustration. "Are you really going to stand there and tell me you want to marry this guy? Do you even love him?"
As much as it sickened her to say those words to him, she stood her ground. She refuses to let him come and upend her life once again.
"Yes. I love him." Polly responded, firm. "I want to marry him, I do. He's good to me, okay?"
The blond man scoffs. "And I wasn't?"
Her heart sank, an ache building up just as it did all that time ago. All the pain, the fear and the despair that she felt back then, that she felt about leaving, came crashing down her head all at once.
"Jake, please, I…" She says, almost pleading. "You know why I left. I can't give you what you want from me. I'm sorry."
"But I loved you, Polly. I still do!" He mirrored her tone.
His chest was practically pressed against hers now. It was still strong and rigid as she remembered. His breath is brushing against her skin, his hand finding hers, fingers tangling together, still a perfect fit. She let her eyes flutter closed, breathing in his still familiar scent of mint and soap.
"You loved me before." Jake argued, as if it was a matter of pure reason. "Don't you still love me now? Have you stopped loving me?"
Tears prickled at her eyes, building up to the brim until one by one they slipped down her heated and coloured cheeks. Her nose became heavy and full, and she is sure that her voice will break in hiccups as soon as she opens her mouth.
"I did love you, but I don't anymore. I don't love you anymore." There was a bitter saltiness on her tongue, but she powered through. "I can't love you anymore, Jake, and if you ever loved me, then leave and never come back."
In a quick motion, Polly leaned away from his touch, letting the door slam closed, causing him to stumble back.
"Polly, open the door!" The man shouts. "Please, baby, just open the door."
The woman clasped a hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle her sobs as she slid to the floor, her back against the door.
"Baby, please, say something. Please don't make me leave, not like this." Jake begged; his voice full of despair.
Polly brought her knees up to her chest, burying her head into the fabric of her shirt, the tears spilling at a faster rate as she listened to his pleads. She listened to him beg and offer her the world, she listened as the fight slowly drained off of him and his voice became hoarse.
It was tearing her apart all over again, to lose him all over again, but she stayed there, silent and strong, listening to him give up and walk away, just as she had done before. This is a way to punish her, to make her understand.
This time, it really is the end. In nine days, Polly will be married, and Jake will be tucked into the back of her heart again, this time forever.
