Sorry for the delay on updating guys — I've been having trouble deciding where I want this story to go. As much as I adore Spirk, they are seriously challenging to get right. I think I got something here though. Thank you to my reviewers for the support!
This chapter is from Uhura's POV, because it's way more fun to watch Spock than to be Spock when I write. Also, I'm chicken and I don't think I can do Spock justice.
Uhura knew something was up with Spock.
She thought perhaps it was her fault. After the whole Khan incident, she had gotten quite angry with him — mostly from jealousy. Spock had responded to Jim's death as though his own heart had been ripped from his chest. His emotional guard had been thrown out the window. It doesn't take a brilliant mind to recognize heartbreak, and Uhura may have jumped to a few conclusions about Spock's true feelings regarding Jim Kirk.
The truth is Uhura had always been a bit jealous of Jim. Even before he and Spock had become friends, Jim had a way of being able to draw the human side out of Spock without hardly needing to try. For Uhura, on the other hand, getting Spock to admit to feeling anything was a constant effort. Why was it that Spock was more emotionally responsive to the Captain than to his own girlfriend?
And then, the way Spock went ballistic when Jim died only confirmed Uhura's suspicions that perhaps there something more going on between them than a simple friendship. So she had called Spock out, and got angry. She told him he obviously cared more about Jim than about her, and that maybe she was just wasting her time. She complained that he never took the initiative to spend time with her, that he was never affectionate to her, and that he prioritized Jim over his girlfriend. Was it immature and petty? Yeah maybe a little. But it had freaked her out to see Spock in so much pain. Who could blame her for having doubts?
Spock had not argued with her. He simply apologized for his behavior and promised to do a better job fulfilling her expectations in the future.
Well, he did as he promised. Ever since they'd returned to work, Spock had been doing much more to please her. He would go out of his way to talk to her, he gave her gifts and complimented her more often. He was more attentive to her in general, and made time in his schedule to see her in his free time.
Uhura knew that something about it wasn't right, though. Not that Spock was being ingenuine. Spock did care for her, and she was glad he was doing more to show it. But just because he was fulfilling her expectations did not mean that he was content. Uhura liked to think of herself as having a talent for reading other people, and she was getting the distinct sense that he was hiding something. He seemed distracted more often, and tired, like he was working ten times harder to maintain his apathetic front. It was almost as if his mind was present, but his heart was elsewhere.
Uhura had a pretty good idea of where elsewhere was.
Everything that had happened with Jim and Khan had really shaken him. The topic became taboo in Uhura's presence. Spock didn't want to talk about any of it. Not about his uncharacteristic reaction, not about Khan, and definitely not about Jim. Seeing as the last time they discussed it she'd blown up in his face, Uhura couldn't blame him for evading the subject. But she was also pretty sure Spock hadn't talked to anyone about it — not even Jim. She didn't really know what to make of it. Was he purposely avoiding Jim for her sake? Had something else happened that she didn't know about?
Uhura finally got some answers — though not in the way she expected to.
She was heading down the corridor on her way back from her most recent medical exam, and stopped suddenly when she heard a familiar voice coming from one of the conference rooms. It was unusual, as the room was rarely used for anything other than obscure or confidential communications. The door was cracked open slightly. Uhura knew it was wrong for her to eavesdrop, but her curiosity got the better of her. After checking that the corridor was empty, she quietly peeked inside the room.
As she'd suspected, Spock was the one speaking. He was facing away from the door, looking at a communications monitor on the wall. Uhura suppressed a gasp of surprise when she recognized the elderly Vulcan ambassador on the screen.
"— do not wish to become as human as you let yourself become," the young Spock was saying to his alternate self. His tone was harsh with disapproval. "It is my intention to pursue logic on New Vulcan, and complete the Kolinahr ritual."
Uhura felt her stomach drop. She'd heard of Kolinahr — the Vulcan ritual of purging all emotion. It required difficult, disciplinary study that took years to achieve. For Spock to pursue Kolinahr, he would essentially be purging all of his humanity.
"And leave Starfleet?" Future Spock replied, almost angrily. He had a deep frown on his face.
"Yes, if I must," Spock answered. "I am one of the few Vulcans left in this universe. I have a responsibility to my people, and to my home —"
"Jim Kirk is your home."
The Old Spock's fierce declaration was followed by a strained moment of silence. Uhura felt like she'd been slapped. He spoke the words in a way that was so certain, and so final, as unchanging as the laws of physics. She knew she should not be hearing this private exchange, but she couldn't make herself move.
"Forgive me," Future Spock lowered his voice to a calmer level. "I am aware that your experiences are much different than mine were, and it is not my place to make your decisions."
Uhura leaned in closer, hoping to catch a glimpse of the young Spock's face.
"I am simply surprised," Future Spock continued, a hint of disappointment in his tone. "Even accounting for the changes in the timeline," he said, "I'd always believed that in no matter what universe, my soul would have the same destiny."
Spock remained silent at this statement. The man on the screen studied him intently. There seemed to be some unspoken question hanging in the air, though Uhura did not know what it was. She wondered what was going through the younger man's head. She imagined his dark eyebrows scrunched together in thought, but she could not see his face to know for sure.
Future Spock began again, "Perhaps I was wrong — "
"You are not wrong."
The young Spock spoke so quietly Uhura almost missed it. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding.
"Then why are you insistent upon leaving the Enterprise?" Future Spock asked. "Why are you pushing yourself to join the Vulcan Colony?"
"The Captain almost lost his life to save the ship on our last mission," the young Spock answered, his voice suddenly wrought with emotion. "I... I fear I will not be able to bear the pain that could result from such a friendship."
The expression on Future Spock's face softened. "T'hy'la is not something that fades with time or distance," he told him gently. "It is to be cherished."
"It is illogical," Spock protested. "You built your life around something that you knew you would inevitably lose."
"It is far worse to regret that which you did not do in your life, than that which you did do," the older man said. "The decision is yours alone, Spock. But human life is short. I suggest that you make the most of the time that you have."
Uhura was so caught up in the conversation that she nearly missed the sound of footsteps coming down the corridor. She quickly raced away from the door, practically running the rest of the way down the hall. She nearly bumped into Captain Kirk coming out of the turbo lift.
"Excuse me!" She exclaimed breathlessly. "So sorry, Captain."
"Uhura," he smiled. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?"
She flushed. "Just... forgot I'm meeting Scotty for lunch," she lied, stepping into the lift.
The doors were about to close, but Jim held them open for a moment, giving her a strange look.
"You okay?" He asked. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"I'm fine!" She assured him. "I don't like being late."
Jim seemed to accept that answer. "Have you seen Spock?"
Uhura shook her head, not trusting herself to verbally lie again.
"Well if you do, tell him everyone is invited to have drinks in the rec room later," he told her. "I have an announcement I want to make."
"I'll let him know," she replied.
Jim stepped away from the lift. "See you there?"
Uhura nodded as the doors closed.
Once alone, she took a slow breath to calm her rapidly beating heart. The words of Spock's conversation swirled around in her head as she tried to comprehend the gravity of what she'd just learned.
Spock had been planning to leave Starfleet, and join the new Vulcan colony. Uhura had never once heard him express any interest in Kolinahr. She wondered when he'd intended to tell her, or if he'd even considered how she'd feel about it. Obviously that meant he was planning to break up with her — she doubted he would have any interest in maintaining a long distance relationship during his studies. Uhura pushed down how angry she felt about that. Instead she focused on the real issue at hand: the reason he wanted to leave.
T'hy'la. Uhura knew the word. She had studied the Vulcan language thoroughly at the Academy. It was an ancient Vulcan term, with no direct translation into English. It described a very sacred and very rare kind of relationship that did not exist on Earth. A deep mental and emotional bond to another person, as serious and as permanent as a marriage bond. Though it could form between a married pair, it did not have to be a sexual mate — it was more of a mental and emotional intimacy than a physical one. The best translation would be friend, though in reality it meant much more than that. It was not quite brother, as it was not so familial, and not quite lover, for it was not sexual. It was a pure form of love in a category of its own.
And somehow, Spock had unintentionally formed this bond with Jim Kirk — a human. Uhura did not even want to begin to ponder how that was possible. It certainly explained what had happened during the Khan incident though. Uhura could hardly imagine the kind of painful scar the death of his t'hy'la would leave on Spock's heart. It was, almost literally, equivalent to one's soul being ripped in half. Uhura shivered. So why would Spock want to leave after that?
She reflected on what Spock had confessed to his elder counterpart. He was scared. He was probably ashamed too. An emotional bond like that would naturally hinder his ability to act logically, particularly in moments of crisis. It was a kind of emotion that could not be controlled. And any Vulcan would not look fondly upon someone feeling so strongly about a human. It was not so hard to understand why Spock would want to run from it.
The turbo lift dinged at her, pulling Uhura from her thoughts. She realized she had not told it her destination.
"Bridge," she said. She took another breath and shook her head.
It was a lot to understand. What would it mean for the Enterprise? What would it mean for Jim? Jim didn't even know. And Uhura had no idea what it would mean for her.
She felt a little insulted. She'd always thought from the beginning of their mission aboard the Enterprise that she would be that special person for Spock, who he could lean on emotionally. It did not feel good to think that she was simply there for physical appeal. While this t'hy'la development was not exactly cheating on her, as she had feared, Uhura was not sure Spock could maintain a human girlfriend if all his emotional energy was being directed at someone else.
The doors slid open when the lift reached the bridge. Uhura nodded at Sulu, who currently had the conn, and she went to sit at her station. Right now, there was work to be done. She would think about this more later.
So? Was it terrible?
I've had that convo with Spock Prime in my back pocket for a while. You have no idea how much I want him to smack young Spock and make him love Jim right.
I'm gonna do one or two more chapters. Please let me know if this story is any good in the reviews!
