I got the idea for this chapter, because this is how it was for me the first few weeks after I had my daughter. A lot of the things Mirabel feels and experiences (minus the intrusive thoughts) are things I felt. It wasn't as severe for me, but I had to make things dramatic for the story lol! These types of things are so common and I wish I knew that when my daughter was born. Hope you enjoy, but just a trigger warning for postpartum depression and intrusive thoughts.
It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it took about 3 days for reality to set in. The reality was that Mirabel was now responsible for this tiny human who was completely dependent on her for survival. It was overwhelming. The rest of her family had to get back to their regular duties. Despite being physically healed from birth, Mirabel still needed time to adjust. She had a newborn baby that ate every 2-3 hours, sometimes more and sometimes less, day and night. Nighttime was the worst. She'd be sitting there, in the dark, alone, and it made her feel so empty. She loved the mornings and evenings when her family was together for breakfast and dinner. Throughout the day, she'd still see random family members come in and out of Casita and she enjoyed that. But for a large portion of the day and all night, she was alone. As nighttime got closer and closer each day, she'd feel a sense of panic and dread. Then, when she was alone in her room with Rosa, she'd cry. In front of her family, everything was fine. She hoped that Dolores wasn't hearing her cry each night. She tried her best to be quiet about it. She smiled and laughed with her family as if everything was great, but she was dying inside. She had no reason to be sad, but she was.
Even though her family wasn't around a lot during the day, in the mornings and evenings when they were around, she got a lot of help with Rosa. Someone would offer to take her, so Mirabel could sleep or take a bath or shower. She found it odd, though, that she could never sleep unless Rosa was right next to her in the bassinet. The only time she'd been able to sleep away from Rosa was that first day. She never told her family this, though. She thought it made her sound ungrateful.
Due to Rosa eating so often, Mirabel was not sleeping good. She didn't sleep much during the day, but she'd try to at night. It would take her forever to fall asleep each time and then she'd only get to sleep for, at most, 2 hours, and then feeding time would come again. And, of course, sometimes Rosa wouldn't go back to sleep. She'd want to stay awake and observe her surroundings. Mirabel wanted to scream from the rooftops for someone to save her. There were some days she felt like she was drowning with her head under the water.
Being alone so much allowed her mind to wonder. She couldn't help but think back to some of the happy moments with Javi. The memories were burned into her brain and she couldn't stop replaying them in her mind.
Mirabel and Javi had been dating for about a month. He had dinner with Mirabel and her family and after dinner and everything was cleaned up, everyone went off to their rooms while Mirabel and Javi stayed back. The sun had set and the kitchen was mostly dark. The moon, however, was shining bright through the window. "The moon looks so pretty tonight." said Mirabel as she looked out the window.
"Not as pretty as you."
Mirabel rolled her eyes and smiled. "That was so cheesy."
"But it's true." said Javi as he walked up to her. "With a moon this pretty and a girl as amazing as you, do you know what we should do?"
"What?"
"Dance."
"Dance?" questioned Mirabel. "We are literally in a kitchen with no light except the moon. How is that going to work?"
"Like this," And just like that, he started humming a song they loved and started to twirl her around. She laughed as they danced around the kitchen. She couldn't help but think this man was something special and she wanted to marry him. After they danced around, he pulled her in close and gave her a kiss.
Another memory that kept replaying in her mind was something that happened when they had been dating for about 2 months. They were hanging out at his house after she had finished her daily chores. She had about an hour before she needed to go back home and have dinner with her family. As they were chatting about their day, there was a knock on the door. It was his parents, sister, and niece all coming for a visit. Javi introduced his parents to Mirabel and vice versa. His mom said, "So, Mirabel, I bet you'd like to hear stories about Javier when he was a kid."
Mirabel giggled and looked at Javi, whose cheeks were turning red. He said, "Mom, you know I hate it when you call me that." Mirabel knew that Javier was his full name, but he never went by it.
"Hey, now, you've had dinner with my family a lot and have heard so many embarrassing stories about me when I was a kid. I think it's my turn to hear stories about you."
Mirabel loved hearing the stories about his childhood. His mom talked all about the trouble him and Josephina got into growing up. She was surprised to hear that he wore glasses when he was a kid, but his eyesight improved over time and he didn't need them anymore. "I'm jealous of that." said Mirabel.
"Your glasses are too cute, though." he said as he grabbed her hand and kissed her on the cheek. "Don't ever change." he whispered. "You're perfect just the way you are."
Those were the memories she remembered all too well. Those were the memories that made getting over him so difficult. He was so genuine and kind, and had such a sweet disposition. She still didn't know what changed. The guy he was now versus the guy he was when they first started dating was a complete different man. She still blamed herself and thought that maybe she asked for too much and that he could tell she had fallen too hard for him. Then other times, she blamed him and thought what they had was a masterpiece and he is the one who tore it all up.
And here she was now. A year after their relationship first started and she had a living, breathing reminder of their relationship. He didn't have that reminder. He was free to do whatever he wanted. He was free to date as many more women as he wanted. Mirabel never wanted to date someone ever again.
Rosa was a month old and things were still the same for Mirabel. She kept hoping things would get better, but they never did. If anything, they got worse. It was getting harder and harder to keep her crying quiet at night. She'd be crying in bed, struggling to breathe. She just wanted to feel normal again.
It started out as an average night. Mirabel got that same feeling of panic as bedtime approached. Then, as everyone headed off to bed, she took Rosa upstairs and got her ready for bed. She laid her in her bassinet as she got herself ready for bed. Rosa was generally a good baby and didn't cry much unless she was hungry or sleepy. Something changed that night. Mirabel didn't know if maybe she ate something that upset Rosa's tummy, but she was not a happy baby that night. She cried and cried and cried, no matter what Mirabel did. Normally, a feeding session would last 20-30 minutes, but the ones that night lasted for maybe 5 minutes and then she'd go back to crying.
It was 2 in the morning and Mirabel was at her wits end. She had done everything and nothing was working. She had just changed her diaper and tried to feed her, but Rosa wasn't having it. Mirabel was walking around her room, bouncing Rosa up and down. Mirabel was crying right along with her. "Sweetheart, please stop crying. I'm doing everything I know to do. I've changed your diaper, I've tried to feed you countless time, just please stop."
Rosa didn't stop. She continued to cry.
Instead of sadness, Mirabel got a sudden burst of anger. She pulled Rosa away from her chest where she was bouncing her and looked her in the face. She screamed, "Shut up! Just shut up! Stop crying and go to sleep! You have nothing to be crying about, so just shut up!" Of course, this did not help and made Rosa cry even harder. Then, Mirabel had a horrible thought go through her head.
Throw her across the room.
She had to shake her head to get that thought out of her mind, but it wouldn't go away. It kept repeating over and over again. She started taking shaky breathes as she stared at her screaming baby. She didn't want to throw her daughter across the room. She knew she didn't want to throw her across the room. She loved her baby more than anything, but that thought wouldn't go away.
She knew she couldn't do this by herself anymore. She said, barely above a whisper, "Help me. I can't do this anymore. Please, Dolores, please hear me."
Dolores was bursting through her door seconds later. She was waking up constantly to Rosa's cries throughout the night. Then she heard Mirabel scream. She immediately jumped out of bed and ran. As she was heading down the hall to Mirabel's room, she heard Mirabel beg for help. "Mirabel," She was panting from running. "What happened?"
Mirabel couldn't speak. All she did was hold her crying baby out to Dolores.
Dolores didn't waste a second to grab Rosa from Mirabel. As soon as Rosa was out of her arms, Mirabel collapsed to the ground. She laid there, on her side knees curled up to her chest, completely numb from the pain. She had spent weeks crying every day, but now, she felt nothing. She could still hear Rosa crying, but it was very faint and seemed to be coming from far away. She heard her heartbeat and shaky breathing very loud. She could also faintly hear Dolores saying something, but she couldn't comprehend what she was saying. Mirabel pressed her hands over her ears and closed her eyes. If there was ever a time she wanted to disappear forever, it was now.
Dolores watched as Mirabel collapsed to the ground. She knew something had been up with Mirabel the past month. She smiled around the family, but Dolores occasionally heard her crying at night. Mirabel intentionally avoided eye contact with her during the day, so Dolores took that as a hint that she wanted her to stay out of her business. But looking at her cousin on the ground now, hands clasped over her ears, she wishes she had said something sooner.
Rosa was still crying pretty hard, so Dolores started to quietly hum and bounce her up and down. "It's okay, sweet girl. It's okay. I've got you." She walked around, continuing to bounce her a bit. It took about 5 minutes, but Rosa finally calmed down. Dolores cradled her and noticed she was blinking heavily. She yawned and closed her eyes, finally falling asleep.
Once Rosa was asleep, Dolores bent down to Mirabel. She still had her hands over her ears and her eyes were closed. "Mirabel," She put her hand on her shoulder, but Mirabel screamed, and so Dolores pulled away. Mirabel had asked for help, but now Dolores needed help. She couldn't do this alone.
Dolores thought about laying Rosa back in the bassinet, but decided against it since Mirabel was not in any position to take care of Rosa if she woke up while Dolores was out of the room. She said gently, "Mirabel. I'm going to take Rosa with me, but I'll be right back."
Mirabel didn't do anything that indicated she heard her, but Dolores still walked out of the room and headed to her mom's room.
Dolores walked up to her parents in bed sleeping and started to shake her mom awake. "Mama. Mama, please wake up."
Pepa moaned and rolled over to where she was facing Dolores. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. She mumbled, "What is it, mija?"
Dolores immediately got tears in her eyes, thinking about what had happened. "Just please get up. I need you."
Pepa's eyes finally adjusted and she saw Dolores was holding Rosa. She sat up in bed. "Why do you have Rosa? Where's Mirabel?"
"In her room, but she's not okay, Mama. She needs our help."
"Okay," She got out of bed. "Let me go get Julieta."
Dolores headed back to Mirabel's room while Pepa went to wake Julieta up. She shook her awake and said, "Julieta, get up now. Mirabel needs us." Julieta did not hesitate to jump out of bed and follow Pepa to Mirabel's room.
They walked in to see Dolores holding a sleeping Rosa while sitting on the bed. Their heart broke at the sight on the floor. Mirabel was curled up, hands over her ears, and eyes closed. She was shaking slightly. Julieta got tears in her eyes. She knew something was up with her daughter, but she didn't know what it was. She was smiling and laughing, but something in her eyes looked off. Julieta asked her a few times if she was doing okay, but she always said she was fine.
"Mirabel," Julieta slowly walked up to her and knelt down in front of her. She touched her shoulder, but just like when Dolores did it, Mirabel screamed until she moved her hand. "What happened? Dolores, what did you hear?"
"I heard Rosa crying a lot through the night. I should have gone to check on her, but I thought Mirabel had it handled. Then…Mirabel screamed at her. Like at the top of her lungs screamed at her." She looked down at Rosa, who was still sleeping. "I jumped out of bed and started to run to her room. As I was running, I heard her beg for help."
"What did she say?" asked Julieta.
"She just said she needed help and that she couldn't do this anymore. She begged for me to hear her. I've been hearing her cry a lot at night. I should have said something. I should have done something." Her eyes filled with tears. "But then she smiled during the day and I thought things were okay. I mean, she seemed off, but I thought maybe she was just tired. I guess it was more than that."
Julieta and Pepa looked at each with a knowing look. Pepa shook her head and sat down on the floor in front of Mirabel. She looked up at Dolores. "It was much more than that. Do you remember how I was after Camilo was born?"
Dolores thought for a second and then shook her head. "Not really,"
"Well…I was very sad, too. I cried all the time for no reason. I was just sad. Unlike Mirabel, I couldn't hide when I was feeling sad. This caused a lot of thunderstorms and even some hurricanes. I had to stay in my room a lot to keep the weather from completely destroying the town."
"I didn't understand it." said Julieta. "I felt sad after having Isabela, but the feeling went away after about a week. That was not the case for your mom. It was much worse and more severe."
Pepa nodded and looked down at Mirabel. "Having a baby is so hard and sometimes…it can really mess with our heads." She laid down on the floor and got eye to eye with Mirabel.
Mirabel had heard conversations around her, but she didn't know who it was or what they were talking about. She was still numb and couldn't move. When someone touched her, it scared her and caused her to scream. Somehow, through all of this, she finally heard a sound she recognized. It was her name being spoken over and over again in a very gentle tone. She opened her eyes to see Pepa in front of her, on the floor, too. Her hands were still over her ears, but she vaguely heard Pepa say, "Mirabel, blink twice if you can hear me."
Blink once. Blink twice.
"If keeping your hands over your ears makes you more comfortable, you can keep them there. But you are safe and Rosa is safe." Tears filled her eyes at the mention of her daughter's name. She felt so guilty. "I know you didn't like being touched. There is something I want to try, though. Something that I think might calm you down. Do you trust me?"
Mirabel nodded.
"Okay," she said quietly. "Can I get behind you?"
Mirabel nodded.
Pepa scooted herself over and behind Mirabel's head. She said, "You told me you loved when I ran my fingers through your hair when you were in labor. I want to try that now." Pepa immediately started to run her fingers through Mirabel's hair. Mirabel sighed and leaned her head back ever so slightly. Slowly, she removed her hands from her ears.
10 minutes went by and no one said anything. Pepa continued to run her fingers through Mirabel's hair. Sure enough, it calmed her down. She didn't feel so numb anymore. She took a deep breath and sat up. She looked at Pepa. "Thank you," She gave her a big hug.
Pepa returned the hug. "You're welcome." She tucked some loose hair behind Mirabel's ear when they pulled apart.
Mirabel looked around the room and saw her mom sitting on the floor, too, and she saw Dolores sitting on the bed with Rosa. She had an intense amount of guilt wash over her. She covered her face with her hands. "I don't deserve to be a mom."
Julieta immediately moved to sit next to Mirabel. "Oh, mija. That's not true."
"Yes, Mama, it is true." She removed her hands. "I yelled at my baby. I mean, what's wrong with me that I would yell at a 1-month-old baby? I just… I can't do this anymore." Tears filled her eyes. There was no hiding it anymore. She couldn't handle feeling this sad and alone anymore. "I can't keep feeling like this. Every day I hope it will get better, but every day is worse than the last. I'm barely sleeping. I'm barely eating. I'm just…so sad all of the time and…I don't know why, but I need help. Night is the worst, but…I feel sad all the time. I feel like I'm drowning and I want to scream for someone to help me. And…I'm going crazy."
"Why do you think you're going crazy?" asked Julieta.
Mirabel took a shaky breath. She didn't know how she was going to explain this. She hoped it didn't make her family hate her, because she hated herself for it. But she knew she couldn't keep this in. Her number one job now was to keep her daughter safe. "After I yelled at her…I had this…this…bad thought…go through my head."
"What was it?" asked Pepa.
She took another deep breath. "This thought told me to…it told me to…" She closed her eyes. "Throw her…across the room." Immediately, she started sobbing. "I didn't want to do it. I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't get it to go away. My mind just kept saying over and over again 'throw her across the room, throw her across the room.' I love my daughter more than anything in this entire world. Why would my mind tell me this? I could never…forgive myself if I hurt her somehow." The pain was too much and she wrapped her arms around her body and cried.
Julieta, Pepa, and Dolores looked at each other in shock and in sadness. They didn't know what Mirabel was going to say, but they never imagined it was that. Julieta just felt so heartbroken that her daughter was suffering through this alone. All she knew to do was wrap her arms around Mirabel and pull her in close. Julieta knew there was nothing she could say that would make her feel better.
When she stopped crying, Pepa said, "Mirabel, you're not crazy. But I do think you have postpartum depression."
Mirabel pulled away from her mom slightly to look at Pepa. "You do?" She had heard of it before, but didn't know much about it. "Why do you think that?"
"It's normal to feel a little sad or hormonal after having a baby for about a week or two, but it's not normal to feel the way you're feeling for as long as you've been feeling and it's not your fault. I know that because that's how it was for me after Camilo was born. I felt so sad all the time, but I didn't know why. I also had bad thoughts of doing things to my baby that I absolutely did not want to do. Come to find out, it was postpartum depression. It took me 3 months to get past it. If I had tried to do it alone, I would not have made it. I needed people around me." She put her hand on Mirabel's shoulder. "Asking for help is the first step. And the way you asked for Dolores when you knew you couldn't handle it anymore…that is so brave, Mirabel. That is what makes you a good mother. You do deserve to be a mom, because you put your child first."
Mirabel smiled at Pepa and gave her a hug. She stood up and sat on her bed with Dolores. She leaned her head on Dolores' shoulder and Dolores leaned her head on Mirabel's head. She touched Rosa's head as tears filled her eyes. "I'm so sorry, baby girl." she whispered shakily. "I love you so much."
"Do you want her back?"
Mirabel nodded, so Dolores handed Rosa back to her. She stirred a little bit and looked up at Mirabel. She yawned and went back to sleep. Mirabel leaned down to give her a kiss on the forehead.
"What can we do to help you, Mira?" asked Julieta. "You mentioned nights were the worst. Why is that?"
"I hate being alone." answered Mirabel. "Night is the worst, because I'm alone all-night long. I also don't sleep well. It's hard to sleep very peaceful anyway since she still wants to eat every 2-3 hours, but it takes me forever to go to sleep. It's almost impossible to turn my mind off."
"Are you able to get some sleep when we take her?"
"No. I can't sleep at all if she's not with me." Her eyes filled with more tears and she sighed shakily. "I'm sorry. I know that makes me sound ungrateful. I love that everyone wants to help me. I just…I can't relax unless she's right next to me."
"Okay, how about this," started off Julieta. "We pull a chair in here and one of us can always be sitting with you during the night. We can help you with Rosa. We can't help you feed her, of course, but we can hold her if she's fussy or just wants to be held."
"We can do this during the day as well." said Dolores. "If you don't want to be alone, there can always be someone with you. Mirabel, we will do anything to help you get through this, so if there's anything else you need, just ask. If you just need to talk, we can do that, too. It's going to take time, but just know you will get better. You will feel normal again."
Mirabel could have just cried at how willing her family was to help, but she felt guilty she was practically going to be babysat. But she looked down at her baby and knew she had to do it. She didn't trust herself to be by herself with Rosa anymore. She knew she would never do anything to harm her baby intentionally, but she was just so terrified she would get another intrusive thought and not know how to handle it.
Julieta ended up being the one to stay in Mirabel's room the rest of the night. They didn't pull in a chair since it was so late, so Julieta just slept next to Mirabel in the bed. After sleeping for a couple of hours, Rosa woke up crying. Julieta woke up, too, and sat with Mirabel as she fed her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks the whole time and Julieta put her arm around her shoulders. "You are not alone." she whispered and kissed her cheek. She wiped the tears from her face. "I'm right here with you."
She sniffed, nodded, and took deep breathes to try and stop her tears. She still felt sad and knew she probably still would for a while, but progress was made. She didn't feel like screaming anymore and instead of drowning, she felt like she could at least keep her head above the water.
Trust me when I say better things are on the horizon for Mirabel. Thank you for all the reviews!
