Chapter 3: The Secrets of Our Hearts.
The couple had dinner together and Mrs. Baldwin had outdone herself with the delicious repast she put before them. She had made roast lamb, new potatoes, and asparagus. For dessert, she had baked a lemon cheesecake.
There was so much that needed to be said, but John did not want to take the chance of ruining the moment by possibly saying something Miss Hale did not want to hear. He was flummoxed as to how to proceed. He knew he was over thinking, but he did not have the confidence he needed to declare himself to her without a sign from her that she would welcome his affections. Yes, she had seemed dismayed that he was going to America, but he could not read anything into it. He had been mistaken before.
Over dinner, the conversation was pleasant and the heaviness of their conversation from the afternoon seem to have abated.
"Mr. Thornton, what made you decide to go to America for a year?"
John was glad to talk to Margaret about his decision.
'Miss Hale, since I was only a boy of fourteen, it has been both my duty and my right to provide for my mother and sister. For the first several years, I worked so my family could survive. After I became mill master, my motivation was to restore the Thornton name in Milton society. The mill was profitable the first year, and I started to feel less pressure as a provider."
"The next five years were prosperous ones for the mill, but I found myself working 12 hours a day at the very least. I had no life outside of the mill save for an occasional social outing."
"As a man of two and thirty, I need to look toward the future before life passes me by. When the job in America was offered to me, I saw a chance to make a new start."
"Miss Hale, do you remember the conversation that we had in Crampton with Mr. Bell and your father about Milton men and the gathering of wealth?"
Margaret nodded her head.
"I have given a lot of thought to that conversation and my own life. Mr. Bell asked me why I was gathering wealth, and I honestly could not answer him. For so long, I have been more like machine instead of a human being. There was no time for me to just be a man because I was the provider for the family, and I knew the expectations of me."
"The first time I did something for myself was when I started taking classes with your father. It awakened something in me that had long laid dormant. I am so much more than a mill master, a son, and a brother. I have dreams that have nothing at all to do with my family or the mill. The scope of my life has been so limited due to time constraints, and I discovered that because of the time I spent with your family."
Margaret was intrigued with how her family had affected John.
"When I would come to lessons with your father, I was struck by the evidence of love, learning, and living in your home. There was affection and comfort. In my home, every object in public view is meant as a display of our wealth, but few things are for comfort. There is little affection, if any."
"I discovered that while I may have had wealth accumulating in the bank, your family had the riches of a life well-lived.
"When I think of the life I want to create for myself, Miss Hale, I want a family and a home filled with love and affection. I want a wife whom I consider my best friend, and our home to be filled with the laughter of our children."
Margaret was moved by his words. He was so endearing, and she loved him more for his vulnerability.
John realized he had been monopolizing the conversation, "Miss Hale, you must forgive me for going on so. It is a testament to your consideration as a listener that you indulged me."
'Mr. Thornton, there is nothing to apologize for. I am quite moved by all that you have told me. I feel honored that you would allow me a glimpse of this side of you. Papa always said you were a man of deep feeling, and he admired you so much for it."
She met his eyes and said, "I only hope you realize that you do have a friend in me, a true friend, and you can always speak to me so honestly."
John wanted to tell her then that he still loved her, but his courage failed him. "Likewise, Miss Hale, I hope you will always know that you will never have a better friend than me. If it is not too personal, what do you want from your life, Miss Hale?"
Margaret gave him a smile, "After all you have shared, I think it only fair that I tell you what I hope for my own life."
"I want a husband who is my best friend, most of all. I was so lonely in Milton after Bessie died, and if it had not been for Mary and Nicholas, I would have been friendless. There were so many times I needed a friend to talk to, but I had to settle for writing letters to Frederick and my cousin Edith. Papa and I have always been close, but there are things you cannot talk about with your parent. I would think it wonderful to be married to someone with whom you could share everything, and know they will listen with love in their heart."
"I want a home where everyone who resides within feels loved unconditionally, and for my children to know their parents love each one of them without anyone being the favorite. You see, my parents always favored Frederick, and although I was loved, he was their pride and joy. I do not ever want to do that to my own children. Daughters should have the same value as sons, in my opinion."
Fearful that she had said too much, she stopped talking.
John had always loved her fiery spirit, and it certainly revealed itself when she was talking about daughters having as much value as sons and the animated way in which she spoke.
John smiled, and said, "Our views of family are much the same, Miss Hale. As far as daughters and sons having the same value in a family, I quite agree. My own mother has built her happiness around me, and as I have gotten older, I have found it suffocating at times. Fanny did not get much attention from Mother, and I think she has suffered for it."
"I am hoping that while I am in America, Mother will use this time at Fanny's to forge a closer bond with her. They have never been close, but when I asked Fanny and Watson to take over Mother's care while I am away, Fanny seemed excited to have Mother all to herself. I pray it all goes smoothly."
Margaret did not want to say anything negative about his mother or sister, so she just nodded in understanding.
"Yes, I hope it all goes as you hope it will. When I moved back with my parents after Edith's wedding, I found it hard to find my place in Mama's life. Dixon was her best friend, her companion, and her confidant. When we removed to Milton, I inserted myself into her life more because I needed her love, Mr. Thornton. It hurt that Dixon, a servant, was closer to Mama than me. I made sure to tell my mother I loved her often, and to sit and talk with her for hours each day. We made some lovely memories the last six months of her life."
"When Frederick was in Milton at the end of her life, it brought her such joy. When my mother passed from this life, she was surrounded by all of us, Papa, Frederick, Dixon, and me. All the people she loved most were with her at the end. Even though with all the angst Fred's visit to Milton caused in my life, I would not change a thing. Being together as a family one last time was worth it all."
Margaret looked down to hide the pain she felt in that moment. She missed both of her parents and her brother terribly.
John reached out and covered her hand with his, and when she looked up, their eyes met. In John's eyes, she saw sympathy and understanding. She blinked the tears away and tried to regain control of her emotions.
John reached in his pocket and handed her his handkerchief.
In his soothing voice, he said, 'Miss Hale, I have heard it said that grief is the price we pay for having loved. I can only imagine what you might be feeling being back in this beautiful place where you have so many happy memories with your family."
Margaret wished more than anything that he loved her still, so she would not be so alone.
She said, "Mr. Thornton, you are the kindest man, and I cannot recall the last time I spoke with anyone as we have spoken tonight."
John wanted to tell her that he would be her shelter always from life's storms, but he did not want to risk this new understanding between them.
Mrs. Baldwin cleared the dishes from the table, and John and Margaret declined the tea she offered.
"May I suggest that you step outdoors for a moment or two before you retire for the evening and look at the moon and the stars. I was just saying to my husband that the night sky was particularly beautiful tonight.
John stood up and helped Margaret from her seat. He offered his arm, and said, "Shall we, Miss Hale?"
She put her hand through his arm, and lightly held on to it. John led them just outdoors, in view of the windows of the inn, and the couple looked up the stunning night sky. They did not speak, both so lost in their thoughts. John pulled her slightly closer to him and covered her small hand with his. For a moment, he closed his eyes and revelled in the feel of his skin on hers.
John broke their silence, 'Miss Hale, I do not know how you ever endured Milton after living in this idyllic place."
Margaret replied, "I came to love Milton and its people, Mr. Thornton. It is not a pretty place, such as Helstone, but there is an energy there that is exciting to me."
"Besides, even in smokey ole Milton, there is beauty if you look hard enough for it. From my bedroom window in Crampton, I could see the stars at night. The haze would lift around midnight, and the stars would be brilliant in the sky above Milton as well. I often sat on my windowsill and enjoyed the quietness of the night and the beauty of the night sky."
John could picture her, in a white nightgown, sitting on her windowsill. He was sure she was a vision of loveliness.
Margaret smiled and said, "You know, Mr. Thornton, it is said that if you wish upon a star, and close your eyes when you make that wish, it will come true. So, let's each pick a star and make our wish. Will you do that with me, Mr. Thornton?"
John nodded yes, and pointed out the star he had chosen, and she did the same.
Both closed their eyes and made their wish. Unbeknownst to the other, they had wished for the same thing.
Later that night in bed, John thought about every word that had been said between them on this remarkable day. From the revelations she shared with him about her brother to the sweetness of her childlike request to wish upon a star, he found so much more to love about his Margaret. She was everything, and more to him.
When she was saddened by the memories of her mother, he had to restrain himself from taking her in his arms. What he would give to have that right.
Today had been the happiest day of his life. He had come to Helstone to close this chapter of his life, only to have new pages written, beautiful pages. He would carry the memory of the day with him for the rest of his life.
He closed his eyes and remembered the feel her small hand in his. Margaret. His arms ached to hold her, and tonight, the longing was especially intense. He had had felt her skin against his when he had laid his on top of hers. He was all too aware that she was lying in bed in a room just a few doors from his. So close, but so far away.
Tomorrow, he would tell her the secrets of his heart. If she rejected him again, then he would have to move on, but if there was even the smallest chance that she returned his affections, it was worth the risk of having his heart broken again.
John closed his eyes and tried to rest. He whispered into the darkness, "Goodnight, my Margaret."
