The Way You Are

by Barbara Conrady

Moonbase Alpha, January 2001

She was running through devastated wilderness, in fear and desperation. She heard a voice calling her name and saying, "I tried to stop you coming here." It was Lee. She reached out for him. "Help me, please, Lee!" But his vision slowly faded away. "Lee! Don't go! Lee! Help me! Don't leave me!"

"Helena! It's all right. I'm here." She felt comforting arms around her. With great relief, she sighed and nestled close to her husband. "I had this dream again."

Lee stroked her hair. "The Terra Nova dream?"

She nodded. "It was different this time. It was much more real and… frightening."

He held her close. "Oh, you're trembling, my love. Don't be afraid anymore. It's all right. It's all over."

"In the beginning, it was the same as always," Helena said in a low voice. "There was this storm, and I was in the little cave, and then I came out and… found John lying there…" A tear spilled out of her eyes. Lee gently wiped it off.

"I watched him die, and there was nothing I could do…" Her voice broke as Lee held her in his arms.

"That was a terrible shock for you, I know." He softly kissed her on her closed eyes.

Helena didn't know why the dream upset her so much this time. Usually, she just felt relieved after waking up and finding Lee by her side. "I'm so stupid," she whispered against his chest, "It was just a dream, and I make such a fuss about it."

"It was more than just a dream, sweetheart. It was something you experienced. A very hard, painful experience. It's only natural that your subconscious is still dealing with it, no matter how many months have passed since then. Just think of all the things which happened that day." He kept stroking her hair.

Helena moved closer to him, feeling the need to absorb his warmth and comfort. "Then you suddenly appeared, and… from then on it was different. Every time I had this dream, things were just as they had really been: We talked, and finally you took me in your arms, then you were gone, and everything returned to normal. John and the others were alive, and we returned to Alpha. But this time…" She shivered.

Lee held her more tightly. "What happened?" he asked softly.

"You disappeared before I could reach you. You were gone, and I was all alone. Nothing returned to normal. Everything around me was still in a state of devastation. And there was still John's… dead body on the ground. He was dead, and Alan and Paul were dead, and Sandra was missing, and you had left me too!" Her voice was choked, and she had trouble breathing. "It was getting dark, and I… I started to run, looking for you, but I couldn't find you. I called your name, again and again, but you didn't come back! I was so scared!… And then," she continued, calming down a bit, "I felt your arms holding me, and I woke up."

Lee kissed her forehead. "It's all right, my love. That was a horrible dream, but reality is different. You are safe, and you are not alone. All your friends are alive. And I'm here with you. I'll never leave you again." He cradled her in his arms, and Helena finally relaxed. A while later, they were both sleeping peacefully.

In the morning, the demons of the night were gone. Helena slipped on her jacket while walking over to the kitchen corner in the new quarters she now shared with her husband.

"I might be home a little late today," Lee said with slight regret in his voice, opening the kitchen cabinet. "So I'm afraid I won't be able to cook dinner tonight."

"That's okay, there'll be another chance soon." Fastening the zipper of her light blue jacket, Helena smiled at her husband who was now placing a box of cereals on the worktop. "I really enjoy your homemade meals, Lee. Since I've been on Alpha, I've only eaten food from the cafeteria… Cooking is something totally out of my world!"

Lee gave a hearty laugh, looking up from the bowl he had just taken out of the kitchen cabinet. "You really haven't changed a bit!" He walked up to his wife with a smile and took her hands.

Helena returned his smile. "Would you have liked me to have changed somewhat?" The tone of her voice turned a little more serious.

Lee gently squeezed her hands and shook his head with determination. "No. There is absolutely no need for you to change." His expression, too, was now serious while his eyes reflected the depth of his feelings. "I love you the way you are, Helena. I don't want you to be any different."

Helena's smile deepened as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed against him. "I love you." They held each other tightly when a beep from the commpost startled them up. "Command conference beginning in twenty minutes!" the monotonous announce resounded.

"I was going to make breakfast – where did our time go?" Lee asked slightly puzzled.

Helena smiled again. "I guess we were getting a bit distracted." She hurried to get her documents for the conference.

Lee sighed and watched her. "I'm very easily distracted by my beautiful wife."

Helena laughed and reached for her shoes. "Sorry I don't have time to have breakfast with you. I'll just grab something from the cafeteria, then I must go attend the command conference."

"I know, my beautiful important wife." The light, half-joking tone of his voice was belied by the pride and admiration shining through his eyes.

Helena met his look and stopped her bustling about to kiss him, wishing she could spend more time with him. "I'll see you tonight. And tomorrow we are both off duty!"

"I can't wait," Lee said with a warm smile, then picked up a file from a nearby shelf. "I'm on my way too. I promised Victor to bring him that report I wrote yesterday before I go on duty."

Helena chuckled as she put her documents in a folder. "You might as well admit it: When you go to see Victor early in the morning, there's a chance he'll share some of his precious Earl Grey with you."

"Am I that obvious?" Lee looked a bit sheepish, but there was also a self-ironic twinkle in his eyes.

"Sure you are!" she laughed. "Real tea from Earth – that must be a priceless treasure for you. Although…" She turned to the mirror on the wall and ran a comb through her hair. "Sometimes I too miss a nice afternoon tea, I mean a real one. I've come to appreciate it. Must be a side-effect of being married to an Englishman."

Lee laughed too. "A side-effect, huh? But thinking about it – after living in Houston for such a long time with you, I feel quite Americanized. Although I certainly don't miss peanut butter sandwiches." He shuddered slightly.

Helena moaned. "I'm getting hungry! I must run now if I want to have a bite before that conference."

"Good, let's run together then." Lee reached for his name tag.

"Wait, let me do this!" Helena took the name tag and carefully attached it to her husband's jacket. The name LEE RUSSELL was printed in clear white block letters on the black ground.

Lee lifted her chin. "You look happy," he said softly.

"I am. Because you are here."

The command conference was over. "I really think we should go ahead with the reorganization of Hydroponics, John," Helena said while the others were filing out of the room. "We've got so many new possibilities since the products from Terra Nova have been found usable." She gathered up her papers and got ready to leave.

"Yes, I'm looking forward to the further development. We might get a chance to attain some enjoyable food on Alpha after all," John replied with a light grin. Together they walked to the door where John stopped and looked at the woman next to him. "Helena, I'm so glad that things are getting normal again between us."

"I'm glad about that too, John. Very much." They both smiled and looked into each other's eyes.

A second too long.

Helena blinked and looked away. "John, don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Look at me like that."

"I'm not…" he started to protest, but then he sighed. "Sorry, I don't know what to do about it."

Helena pulled herself together. "It's okay, you don't have to apologize. I know you're not trying to… I have to go." She left the Commander's office in a hurry.

John sighed again, staring after her. "I gave that up some time ago," he said to the closed door.

It had been a long day. Lee looked forward to relaxing at home and spending the whole next day with Helena. He opened the door with his commlock, went straight to the bedroom and smiled when he saw his wife lying across the bed, sound asleep, wearing a long plain lavender shirt which smoothly flowed down her body. An open book lay beside her on the cover. So she's finished her work today, he thought happily as he slid onto the bed next to her, laying his commlock down on the bedside table. He gently brushed a strand of blond hair from her eyes. When he bent down to softly kiss her awake, she stirred and reached for him. Eyes still closed, she murmured, "John…"

Lee flinched back. Helena slowly opened her eyes and noticed something was wrong. "Lee?…"

"Yes, it's me," Lee said plainly, trying not to worry too much about what he had just heard. She's been sleeping and is just a little confused now, he said to himself.

Trying to get her head clear, Helena remembered and abruptly sat up. "Oh Lee, I'm sorry!"

"It's not your fault," Lee said hastily, but something in her expression perplexed him. She looked troubled and almost guilty. Lee felt alarmed when he saw how much her slip worried her. It had indeed startled him, but was it really such a big deal considering she was half asleep? His alarm intensified. Was there more to it? Come on, don't panic now! he ordered himself, trying to control the pounding of his heart. Make sure what's going on, but be fair with her. – He summoned all his courage. "Helena," he said softly, "I must ask you something. Please be honest with me."

"I'm always honest with you, Lee," Helena said earnestly, "Even if I tried, I could never lie to you."

"Maybe, but…" He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. "Don't lie to yourself either. I need to know how you really feel."

Helena opened her mouth and closed it again, seeing that Lee was about to say more. She felt a dull sensation of anxiety growing in the pit of her stomach. She knew what was going to come.

"Since I came here," Lee began slowly, the tension he felt becoming visible in his expression, "We've talked only once about… your feelings for John. What he means to you. And that was during the first day we spent together after six years of separation."

"It was the happiest day of my life, Lee," Helena said, and in her eyes Lee could see nothing but true sincerity.

He reached out and gave her hand a quick squeeze, then he withdrew his hand again. "It was for me, too. But because we were so happy, perhaps we didn't tell each other everything. Because at that moment it just didn't matter. Although…" He frowned, trying to remember. "I'm quite sure I told you everything about my experience. And after all, I had ended my relationship with Molly after that day in December ninety-nine when you and I met again after all that time. You didn't…" He interrupted himself when he saw her troubled face. "I'm not blaming you, Helena. I know your situation was different from mine. My body was still total antimatter, I had to stay back on Terra Nova, and you didn't have any reason to hope we would ever come back together again. We, on Terra Nova, were researching on antimatter and working on our ability to readjust to matter environments in case we would ever be able to return to Earth. So even if the chance for us to be reunited was extremely small, I clung to that glimpse of hope. I understand you had given up hope and tried to start a new life. But the problem is: How do you feel now?"

Helena looked into his eyes which were clouded with worry and insecurity. Her anxiety grew stronger. "Lee," she said in an almost inaudible voice, "You don't doubt my love for you, do you?"

"No!" Lee hurried to reply, but suddenly felt he had trouble meeting her eyes. Am I doubting? "I… I don't want to doubt!" he said with a desperate tone in his voice. "I trust you. I trust you with my life. It's just… Helena, I know John is somebody very special to you. I understand that. But…" He had to stop to gather new strength. "Is there anything you feel for him now, I mean anything except friendship? Please be honest, I need to know. Don't worry about sparing my feelings. I can take the truth. I just need to know."

Helena saw the pain and fear in his eyes and fervently wished she could relieve him. She didn't want to hurt him. But he demanded to know the whole truth, and she felt she owed him that much. In fact, she would want the same if she were in his place. She tried to breathe deeply and get her anxiety under control. "John is no more – and no less – than a very special friend to me. But…" she stopped, worrying about finding the right words. There are no right words, she thought, feeling desperate. How can I possibly tell him without hurting him?

"But?" Lee urged cautiously.

"Sometimes, when I see him and he looks at me in a certain way, I… I…" She broke off. I can't.

She didn't have to. Her silence told him more than any words she could have chosen. "You still feel attracted to him," he stated.

After a second's pause she nodded, avoiding his look. Her expression was tormented.

Lee fought to stay cool and calm. Don't panic, he said to himself one more time. Don't panic. That won't do any good. He hardly noticed his hand clenching the discarded commlock until a sharp sting of pain told him where the hard metal buttons had pierced his skin. I should have known. How could I be so naïve about all that? All the time I only saw what I wanted to see.

"You're bleeding!" Helena's concerned voice broke through the haze in his mind. She reached for his hand. "Let me…"

"No!" He winced at her touch and jumped off the bed. "It's nothing. I'll just clean it and put a band-aid on it." He rushed into the bathroom, moving hectically around. Helena followed him and waited at the door, watching him with growing concern. When he came out, he picked up his commlock and attached it to his belt again, then slipped into his shoes.

"Where are you going?" Helena asked, alarmed.

"I need time to think. Don't wait for me, go ahead and sleep. I don't know what time I'll be back…"

"Lee!" She was shaken, staring at him. "No… please, don't misunderstand. Let's talk about it…" She desperately tried to hold him back, but didn't dare to touch him for fear he might wince again.

"I can't talk now. I need some time - alone." He headed for the door.

"You don't want to… be with me?" He heard the sadness in her voice.

"I can't," he said quietly without facing her, opening the door.

"Lee, I'm sorry!" she said, helplessly imploring.

He turned around and looked at her with sorrow in his eyes. "Don't apologize, Helena. You didn't do anything wrong. This is my problem to deal with." Then he was gone.

"Don't go…" she whispered pointlessly into the empty space.

Restlessly, aimlessly he roamed the corridors of Moonbase Alpha which had become his home two months ago. Haunted by Helena's revelation, he kept moving, on and on, avoided talking to people who crossed his path here and there. He didn't care where his feet led him until he noticed he had reached the gym. Suddenly he knew what he needed. As if magnetically attracted, he walked up to the one room that had been waiting there for him. The dojo.

The spacious room with a wooden floor was meant to be used for training of martial arts, such as karate, judo, or kendo. Lee felt relieved when he saw nobody else was there. He had the dojo all to himself tonight. He quickly changed into one of the sports suits and entered the room. When his bare feet touched the smooth cool wooden floor, he felt the painful throbbing of his heart subsiding slightly. It was getting easier. Automatically he straightened up, his muscles tightened and his feet slid into the starting position. Kata-training had always helped him clear his mind. For a second, he wished for his old karate suit he had left back on Earth. He could still feel the thick, stiff white cotton fabric on his skin, and he smiled a bit wistfully when he saw the worn-out, faded black belt before his mind's eye. He decided about which kata to perform, whispered its name, and the next instant his body was gliding with powerful movements across the room. Every step, every blow, every leap, every kick was accurately measured, the order exactly prescribed in a century-old pattern. Hard, strong, fast, yet gracious as a dance, the succession of movements flowed out of him and swept him along in a wave of pure energy. One kata was followed by another, then another one and another one, until he was drenched in sweat and completely exhausted. He knelt down on the hard floor and closed his eyes. A short while of meditation was the usual practice after training karate. He had learnt this right at the beginning in his first dojo back on Earth, at home in England… Inside him, he could hear the voice of his Japanese trainer, Okuma-Sensei: "Focus. Listen to your breath. Listen to your heartbeat…"

Finally he opened his eyes, drew a deep breath and exhaled, relaxing. He felt better. Before leaving the dojo, he glanced back with a feeling of gratitude.

He took a shower and changed back into his uniform, then tore off the band-aid he had put on the injury on his hand. It would heal better that way. The cuts were not deep and had already stopped bleeding. He left the gym area and felt a bit undecided about what to do next. Where should he go? Back to Helena… No. Not yet. His heart cramped in pain when he remembered the confession she had made earlier, and he felt he needed some more time by himself to somehow find a way to deal with it. But how could he deal with it…? He quickened his steps. There is no point in brooding over things. Go on, find something to do.

He headed for the library, one of his favourite places on Alpha. Although he loved literature, this time, instead of browsing the bookshelves, he sat down in front of one of the computers. Looking at the menu on the screen, he decided to take a look into the photo gallery. He smiled when he saw the group photos they had taken during the Christmas party and New Year's Eve. It had been so much fun. He clicked on and found a corner titled "Various Snapshots, October 1999 – November 2000". The time before I came here, he thought curiously as he started looking at the pictures. Subconsciously he was searching for something, but had no idea what it was, until it suddenly became cruelly clear to him when he saw the first snapshot of Helena and John together. The picture had apparently been taken during some party. They were both holding wine glasses, laughing, obviously in a cheerful mood, looking at each other.

Lee clicked on to see the next picture, and then the next one. There seemed to be a whole series. John and Helena, Helena and John. Again and again. They were shown talking, discussing something, looking quite serious and professional. More party snapshots followed, showing John and Helena together with other people, the two of them always side by side, though never touching.

Then he saw a picture which made him swallow hard and close his eyes for a moment of dismay: John was sitting at his desk in Command Center, Helena standing beside him, bending down to him, her arm lay around his shoulder, her face close to his. They were both looking at something in front of them which obviously made them happy since they were both smiling joyfully. Hardly had Lee begun to feel ready to open his eyes and look at the picture again, when another image popped up on the screen: Helena was standing by a window, looking out with a light smile on her lips, while John approached her in a way which looked like he was going to kiss her cheek or nuzzle her ear or whisper something to her…

No! That's enough! What the hell does he think he's doing! He has no right to… Clenching his fists, Lee felt his heart blaze up in a sudden wave of passion that took his breath away. There. I'm jealous.

After admitting this to himself, he felt miserable. Great! he thought sarcastically. So what was all this talk about understanding and tolerance? What happened to the guy who was so cool about Helena having been in a passionate relationship with John Koenig? Hmmm? What?!

Desperately trying to sort out his feelings, he shook his head. It wasn't just silly talk what I said to Helena about understanding her having been involved with John. I really meant what I said. John is a decent man, and the fact that he saved Helena's life several times makes me grateful to him. But hell, there's a difference between just hearing about what their relationship was like, and actually seeing it with my own eyes. And then, what Helena just told me…

He tried to breathe deeply and get his distress under control. Come on, you know how Helena feels about you. No need to get nervous. And still… Suddenly a grim laugh escaped him as he remembered that day not too long ago when John had almost started a fight with him. I was so damn sure of myself that time, Lee thought. I bragged about how well I understand Helena and how much I respect her. All right. Now here's my chance to prove how well I really understand her! Am I ready for this? I told her I can take the truth. But what exactly is the truth?

Lee tried to put his thoughts in order. Fact: She still feels attracted to this… blue-eyed American. I've got to face it. There is no other way but to face it.

He kept clicking, afraid of what he would see next, but there were no more pictures. He turned his attention back to the last two snapshots and studied them carefully. So that's the way everyone saw them, he mused. As a… He felt a sting of pain, but completed the sentence anyway: As a happy couple.

He stared at the screen again, forcing himself to look at the pictures soberly and unbiassedly.

A nice match, he reluctantly admitted to himself. The Commander and the Chief Medical Officer: both self-confident, courageous, strong-minded personalities, both brilliant, good-looking and with a lot of authority. A charismatic couple. He nodded slowly. It makes sense. No wonder some of the Alphans squinted at me at first. They were all used to seeing them together. The competent, well-respected, attractive Doctor Russell and… the Commander.

How do I fit in there?

Helena carries a lot of responsibility in her position on Moonbase Alpha. She's not only in charge of Medical Center, but also the head of Life Support. She belongs to the command staff and her views and opinions are a substantial factor for any important decision. During the short time I've spent on Alpha so far I've seen enough to understand that she's practically the most powerful person on this base next to the Commander.

The Commander… Lee fixed his eyes upon the image on the screen. John Koenig. We did have trouble with each other when we met for the first time, Lee thought as he remembered the day he and Helena referred to as Terra Nova Day. We both desperately tried to communicate, but it didn't work out at all. My poor condition as well as his stubbornness didn't make it any easier. Now, since I've been living and working here, I've come to know him better, little by little, both from what Helena told me and what I saw myself. He's a decent, intelligent, trustworthy man, and it's easy to understand that almost everybody respects and likes him.

But that's not all. He's also a strong leader. He's got this aura of power around him that makes people listen to him and follow him. The Alphans have experienced many dangerous, critical situations, and he mastered them all bravely. He's a hero.

I am… well… what am I?

Just another astronaut and physicist with some knowledge on antimatter which helped me get a job assignment as pilot and science officer here on Alpha. I've never been the ambitious type. Power, career, a high position – these things never meant anything to me. I just want to do a job that I enjoy. That's all.

Pensively, Lee looked at John's picture. He's got it, he thought. He's got the "certain something" that women find attractive: He's got the position, the character, the power, and the looks.

I am… normal. Ordinary. Average. Not charismatic or heroic. I'm the nice-guy-next-door-type.

No wonder Helena can't resist the attraction.

Lee groaned and buried his face in his hands. What did I expect? I knew there was something going on between Helena and John when I came to Alpha; I had known it since Terra Nova Day. Helena never made a secret of it. But she chose to stay with me. Why? She could have told me to leave. She could have told me she found somebody new who really matches with her. I wouldn't have caused her any trouble. I would have left her with her new happiness. She must have known that. She knows me well enough. And yet... she took me back.

Lee fought against the chaos in his mind. Focus, he instructed himself. What does your heart tell you?

He closed his eyes and tried to eliminate all the thoughts that were disturbing and confusing him. Finally, all that remained was his overwhelming longing for Helena. So strong was the feeling he doubled up and gasped as if he was seized by a physical ache. "You don't want to be with me?" she had asked. Oh, he wanted so desperately to be with her! He couldn't stand one more minute without her. What was he doing here when the woman he loved was waiting for him? He had left her alone while she had asked him to stay! She wanted him! Lee Russell, you're an idiot, he said to himself. What had come over him? How could he leave her when she wanted him? Helena… he had to see her, hold her in his arms, now, at once!

He rushed out of the library and headed home in a great hurry. He wondered what Helena was doing now. Had she gone to sleep? A sudden thought made his blood freeze: What if she has another nightmare, and I'm not there when she needs me? I'm not there when she needs me! Cursing himself, he increased his speed.

Home at last, he passed through the dark and empty living room and headed for the bedroom door when he suddenly stood rooted to the spot. A vision emerged in his mind which kept him from going on. A vision of something which had taken place just a few months ago when Lee was still on Terra Nova and had no idea about the twist of fate which would soon reunite him with Helena. A vision of John Koenig in bed with his wife… No doubt he was a very good lover. No doubt he had never pushed Helena away like he, Lee, had done today. No doubt that if Helena had given John to understand she wanted him with her, he would have been overjoyed to stay. He wouldn't have run away like Lee.

"I'm a stupid, cowardy asshole!" he said to himself. I don't deserve a woman like Helena. His heart was racing in agony as he stepped back from the door. I asked her to be honest with me, and when she was, what did I do? Instead of listening to her, giving her the chance to explain her feelings to me, I left her!

Disgusted of himself, he sank down on the sofa. He couldn't face Helena now.

John Koenig was always there for her when she needed him. I know it. But I, her husband, left her when she needed me.

Ashamed, angry at himself, unable to control the chaos of pain, insecurity and self-reproaches raging inside his heart, he noticed tears running down his cheeks and cursed himself for his weakness. He buried his face in the sofa cushions, desperately trying to stifle his sobs. He cried like he hadn't done for years, not since that time shortly after being stranded on Terra Nova, in long dark nights when he had felt hopeless, thinking that Helena was lost to him.

Suddenly, he felt comforting arms around him. He was held in a loving embrace. For a moment, he felt relieved and wanted to give in to his need to relax in his wife's arms, but then his shame overcame him again. He stiffened and turned his face away. "Please… I don't want you to see me like this!"

"Lee, my love," Helena whispered comfortingly. "Look at me. It's all right."

She was sitting next to him on the sofa. Holding him, she gently turned his face towards herself.

"Helena," he whispered, having trouble to speak, "Forgive me… for leaving you like that…"

"Sh-sh-sh. My sweetheart. Let's not talk now." Softly, she covered his lips with hers. Her warm tenderness enfolded him like a cloak. He didn't want to talk anymore. He just wanted to savour her love and warmth. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her closer, feeling her, abandoning himself to her comforting closeness. Helena held him tightly, stroked his hair and his back, kissed his tears away and whispered tender words in his ear, until she felt he relaxed and his breath calmed down. She softly pulled a little away from him so she could look into his eyes, then caressed his cheek. "Are you feeling better, my love?" she asked gently.

Lee took hold of her hand and pressed his face against it, closing his eyes. "Much better," he murmured.

"Good," she whispered, and he felt her smile more than he saw it in the dark room. She took his hand and pulled him to his feet, leading him to the bedroom.

She kissed him slowly and deeply, and he responded to her kiss with all his devotion. He felt her bare skin next to his as she lay back, taking him with her. His hands and lips found their way, worshipping every inch of her body…

In the afterglow of their lovemaking they lay together, their bodies pressing closely to each other. The room was dimly lit. Lee pulled a blanket over her when he felt she was slightly shivering, and cuddled her in his arms. Slowly, Helena moved her head from the crook of his neck and looked at him with shining eyes. "Lee, do you know how… happy you just made me?"

Lee smiled tenderly and traced his fingers softly down her features. "I want to spend all my life making you happy," he said, the intense glow in his eyes revealing the sincerity of his feeling. "And you made me happy too," he added in a low, gentle voice. "So endlessly happy."

Helena caught his hand and brought it to her lips. "And still you're feeling worried," she stated quietly.

With a sigh, Lee lowered his eyes and pressed her hand before he propped up on his elbow and met her look. "Helena, I…" he started hesitantly.

Seeing his trouble, Helena sat up, still wrapped in the blanket Lee had covered her with. She took his hand. "It's all right, Lee. Tell me what you feel. We need to talk about this," she said earnestly.

Lee sat up too. "I guess you're right. But it's hard. I don't know how to deal with it."

"Deal with what?" she asked softly.

"I'm…" He looked troubled and strained. "I'm not ready to… share you."

"Share me?"

"Share your heart. I want all of you. I want things to be like they used to be. Back on Earth, when… there was nobody else."

"Lee." Still holding his hand, she moved closer and looked intently at him. "There is nobody else. My heart belongs to you. All of my heart. I'm yours forever."

"My love… I'm not doubting you. But we were talking about your feelings for John earlier. Helena, please tell me…" His eyes were dark with agony. "Do you want to… I mean… do you want him?"

Helena gripped his hand more tightly as she looked at him; this time she was ready to meet his look. "No, I don't," she said firmly. "Just the fact that I… feel something when he looks at me doesn't make me want to act on it. I admit it's not easy…" she said while a shadow of distress clouded her eyes. "I see him every day, so I have to deal with… these feelings all the time. And, Lee…" The shadow in her eyes grew darker. "I know it must be hard for you. To know about this. And…" She swallowed. "I know it's hard for John, too."

"I bet it is," Lee murmured more to himself, torn between understanding sympathy and the wave of jealousy that had washed over him when he had seen the photos.

"It's a difficult situation for all three of us," Helena continued. "But we somehow have to find a way to deal with it." She looked down on their entwined hands and caressed his fingers with hers. "As for me," she said softly, "I know I can live with it. It's not easy, at least not at the moment – probably it will get easier in the course of time – but I can live with it." She turned her eyes back to face him. "You are the one I want to be with," she said, her voice full of tenderness. "You make me feel like nobody else does. I just experienced it again. What we just shared was so…" She closed her eyes for a moment. "So incredibly wonderful." Her eyes were shining again. "What we do is 'making love' in the truest sense of the word. I don't want to do it with anyone else but you." She leaned against him and felt his hands caressing her neck and shoulders.

"I feel the same, my love," he whispered close to her ear. Holding each other skin to skin, they simultaneously felt ready to share the pleasures of love again, but both of them sensed their talk was not finished yet. It was necessary to clarify everything as soon as possible so there wouldn't be any misunderstandings and doubts left which would strain their relationship. Absolute openness was important now.

They leaned back against the pillows, and Helena wrapped herself in the blanket again which had slipped down her body.

Lee had difficulty in speaking out what was troubling him. "What you feel for John," he finally said, "It's more than just physical attraction, isn't it? And it's also more than just friendship, I suppose."

Pensively, Helena stared in front of herself. "It's definitely more than just… an ordinary friendship," she said honestly. "But I told you before, Lee: He is not you. If you had never come back…" A touch of fear showed on her face as she tried to imagine, "I would probably have accepted John's proposal of marriage, and in some way I would have been happy with him. But…" She shook her head and sighed. "It would never have been the same. Something would have been missing." She put her arms around her drawn up knees. "John was very good to me," she said quietly.

"He had better!" Lee growled. "I would never forgive him if he had done anything to hurt you."

Helena gave him a reassuring smile. Then she drew a deep breath. "I do love him, but in a different way." She looked at Lee, a bit helpless. "Am I making sense?"

"I think I understand," he said softly. He remembered something they had talked about a while ago: Love had many different sides. The love you feel for the person you choose to spend your life with is different from the love you feel for your friends, and that kind of love is different from the love you feel for your family. And the list didn't end there.

Absorbed in his thoughts, he got off the bed and slipped on a shirt as he headed for the door.

"Where are you going?"

The anxiety in Helena's voice made him turn around and rush back to her side. "I'm not going anywhere," he said soothingly and kissed her forehead. "I was just going to get some water. Sorry I gave you a fright."

"Oh." She relaxed, and Lee hurried to the kitchen area. When he came back, she was wearing her lavender shirt again and gave a light smile as she took the glass of water from him. "Thanks."

After drinking, Lee put his glass on the bedside table and slowly turned back to his wife. "It was so stupid of me to run away like that – after you had told me what you were feeling. I should have listened to you directly." He shook his head. "I was just thinking of myself, of my own hurt pride or whatever… I didn't think for a minute about what was going on inside you, how difficult all this must be for you. I'm sorry about that."

Helena squeezed his hand and was about to say something, but Lee shook his head again and kept talking, while his eyes once more turned sorrowful. "Deep inside, I blamed you for something which isn't your fault. And I left you when you obviously needed me. I was – not there for you." He paused, searching for the words that could express what he felt. "John was always there for you, wasn't he? I'm sure he never runs away from a problem. I did run away and acted like a bloody coward and a wimp. I… a part of me is still wondering why you put up with someone like me when you could have…"

"Put up with someone like you?" Helena stared at him, her eyes showing perplexity, hurt and a touch of anger. "Lee! Can it really be that after all those years you still don't know what you mean to me?!"

"But the long separation…" Lee interjected cautiously.

"What about it? Does it make any difference to you?"

"No, it doesn't!" he said determinedly.

"So why do you think it makes a difference to me?" She was sitting in front of him, her soul churned up with emotions she had tried to push away for a long time and which still kept haunting her. "Lee, do you know… do you have an idea of what I went through? When we were separated, at least you knew I was alive, but I…" She couldn't speak it out. "Do you know how… how I cried? Can you imagine, just for a second, what it felt like to have to accept… that you were gone… that I had to spend the rest of my life without you? Can you imagine how it made me feel… to live in our house… knowing you wouldn't come back? What it felt like… going through your belongings and having to decide what to do with them?"

Tears were threatening, but she impatiently fought them down because they were hindering her from speaking. "And all those people who kept saying, 'Oh, Dr. Russell, you're still young, you will find someone new' – I could have killed them! I know they were just meaning well, but can you imagine how that felt? And then, after those… dreadful five years, when I came to Alpha and we discovered Terra Nova and I at last knew you were alive, only to lose you again, to leave you behind on that planet…"

She clasped her blanket, trying to get her breath under control. "I've tried, God knows I've tried to live without you. There were those days when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, when I was terrible to John while he was nothing but wonderful to me – his only fault was that he wasn't you! I know it upset you that I woke up saying his name, but Lee, I don't know how many times I opened my eyes and didn't find you, or reached out for you and called you and - found John beside me! I tried to deal with it, I told myself I had to let you go and be grateful towards fate for presenting me with such a good, loving partner like John. But…" She looked at her husband. "My heart wouldn't be deceived. I need you. I need you to be happy. It's as simple as that."

While listening, Lee's heart grew heavy with emotion. He felt terrible about never having been fully aware of what he, though unwillingly, had put his wife through for the last couple of years. She had told him about her feelings during that period before, but not as bluntly as she did now. When he heard her last words, he felt crushed down, realizing he had in fact almost doubted her love for him.

He simply looked at her, unable to speak.

Helena moved closer to him, her face took on a tender expression. She felt easier having disburdened her mind. "Lee," she said softly as her arms went around his neck, "After I went through the hell of losing you, twice – can you imagine what it means to me to… have you back?" Her eyes were glistening.

"Helena…" He tried to speak, but his throat was choked up. Oh no, not again! he thought as he felt his eyes flowing over with tears one more time.

Seeing his discomfort, Helena hugged him closely as she had done before. "My love, it's all right. Don't be embarrassed," she whispered.

"But… oh, shit!" His voice was still unstable.

"Tell me, honey, how many times did you hold me in your arms when I was crying?" Helena asked gently. "When I broke down after your return from Terra Nova, when John had brought you back? What about last night, when I needed your comfort again? You gave it to me, as you always do." She kissed him tenderly.

Lee held her in a tight embrace. "Helena… my Helena…" He buried his face in her hair for a while before he could speak again. "I went through hell too. I missed you so desperately. I can't tell you how… overwhelming my longing was. I missed you, oh God, how I missed you."

Helena held him even closer, pressing her cheek against his. They clasped each other as if fearing the other one would suddenly disappear again, that their reunion was just a dream and they would awake any minute and find themselves alone again.

Finally, Helena whispered, "Promise me something, Lee."

"Anything you want," Lee whispered back.

Helena pulled away a little and looked at him, her arms still lay around his shoulders. "You must never again think you're not good enough for me."

Lee closed his eyes and was silent for a moment, still choked with emotion. Finally, he opened his eyes again. "I promise."

She brought her face close to his, and their lips met in a long, tender kiss. After a while, they softly parted and smiled at each other, simply enjoying their being together in spite of their difficult situation. They settled back against the pillows. Helena, who still sensed a trace of tension in her husband, fondly touched his cheek. "What is it, honey?" she asked softly.

He sighed, wishing things wouldn't be so complicated. "The pictures. I just can't forget them."

"Pictures?"

Lee described to her what he had seen on the library's computer. "Oh, I remember," Helena nodded. "I've seen them – it seems like a lifetime ago." Her eyes turned thoughtful and a bit melancholic. "I completely forgot about them."

"In those pictures," Lee said hesitantly, "You looked… happy."

"I was," Helena said, meeting his look, "Momentarily. There were moments when I felt light and happy. And there were moments when I…" she sighed, "didn't think of you." Her look lost itself somewhere in the distance. Lee didn't dare to breathe.

"But then, afterwards," she continued in a low voice, "When I was alone in my quarters… I couldn't help thinking of you again. And it all came back. The grief, the anger, the memories… and my longing for you. I tried to cover it with work and more work, but still… I kept longing for you." She looked at him openly. "John is a wonderful man. But he couldn't save me from my loneliness. He made my life happier and brighter, but there was this… empty room in my heart that could never be filled."

Lee drew her to his breast and kissed the side of her head before he softly let her go and spoke again. "I feel so relieved talking to you, listening to you. I feel I can understand you so much better now, little by little. This means so much to me."

Helena just smiled affectionately at him, sensing he had more to say.

"You know, when I saw those pictures," Lee continued, "I realized for the first time what a perfect couple you two must have been in the eyes of all the other Alphans. I couldn't help admitting to myself that…" he heaved a deep sigh, "You and John were a damn good match."

His expression and the way he spoke puzzled Helena a bit. "You mean – you don't match with me?"

Lee stared insecurely in front of himself. "I never really thought about it. I was always so happy with you, it seemed so right for us to be together, and this feeling has grown even stronger since we found each other again after being separated for so long. But when I saw you with him…" He broke off.

"Lee," Helena said earnestly, "Things are not always the way they seem."

"But…" Lee struggled to make himself clear, "The way you looked together! I don't know how to describe it. You are both so… powerful and charismatic. In those pictures, you looked like… like…" He frowned, thinking hard, then seemed to have found the right comparison: "… like two stars in a film! Or some kind of TV programme."

Helena burst out laughing. "Oh, thank you for the compliment!" She shook her head, still smiling. "Sometimes I wish I had some of your lively imagination."

"But it's true!" Lee insisted. "Look at John: He's the Commander, a man of power and an important personality. And look at me: Average position, average looks, average…"

Helena interrupted him. "Lee, stop being ridiculous."

"But…"

"No but." She got off the bed and held out her hand to him. "Come on." Wondering what she was up to, Lee took her hand and let her lead him to the mirror on the wall. "What do you see?" she asked.

"I see us, of course," he answered, feeling a bit silly.

She stood closely beside him and laid her head on his shoulder. "Let me tell you what I see," she said softly. "I see the happiest woman in the universe beside the man she loves who matches perfectly with her."

Lee put his arm around her, then turned away from the mirror to look into her eyes. He was about to say something, but Helena put her hand on his lips. "You 'average guy'!" she smiled, fondly teasing. "I love you so much." Her eyes had that shine which always caused Lee's heart to skip a beat and made him dizzy with happiness. "I love you," he whispered, tenderly pulling her closer.

"Lee," Helena said softly as her hands moved up to stroke his hair, caress his cheeks and rest on his shoulders. "Do you remember what you told me this morning? I feel exactly the same way. I love you the way you are."

Having spoken these last words, Helena felt the tension finally leaving her husband. The fondness showing in his eyes was beyond words when he brought his face close to hers and kissed her slowly, gently. They stood still, holding each other. After a while, Helena said in a low voice, "I want to be with you all my life. I never want to be without you again. I want to hold you like this, hear your voice saying my name. I want to feel you all around me, inside me."

Lee clasped her so tightly to his breast she could hardly breathe.

He was working his way through the chaos of uprooted trees and devastated vegetation. "I've come too late," he thought desperately. "Why, oh why didn't they listen to my warning?" Then, with indescribable relief, he caught sight of a figure sitting doubled up on the ground. She was alive! "Helena!"

Slowly, she got up. "Lee! You?" she asked unbelievingly.

He saw she was crying, and he had to struggle against the ardent wish to rush to her and pull her into his arms and tell her everything was all right and she shouldn't be afraid, that he was with her and would always be, every day of his life as he had promised back then… But he couldn't. His body was antimatter, and physical contact was very dangerous. "I tried to stop you coming here," he said softly.

"Help me, please, Lee!" She reached out for him while her tears kept flowing. He went up to her and took her outstretched hands. – Be careful, for heaven's sake, be careful! he cautioned himself as he put his arm around her, inviting her to sit down. Her hand touched his waist for a second when they both settled on the ground.

They didn't let go of each other's hands while Lee explained the situation to her. They were running out of time. Helena had to leave soon along with her companions from Alpha before the disastrous situation got even worse. Lee didn't want to let her go. The sight of her face he loved so much, now distressed and stained with tears and dirt, cut deeply into his heart. He wanted to wipe her tears away, comfort her, kiss her… and the only thing he could do to help her was send her away. The pain was more than he could bear when he stood up, pulled her to her feet and softly, very softly put his arms around her for a final goodbye.

She was gone. Lee closed his eyes, his body and soul still filled with the bitter-sweet sensation of holding her, just for a brief moment, after five long years… Choked by his anguish, he whispered, "My love, oh my love, where are you?"

"I'm here, Lee," a soft voice said. Lee opened his eyes and turned. A petite young woman with long black hair and almond-shaped eyes was standing beside him.

"Molly?"

She took his hand and led him away to her shack which had become his refuge some time ago. Her lips touched his, and he yielded to her seduction. Sweet oblivion in Molly's arms…

He woke up with a start, looking wildly around. Helena!… He let out a deep breath when he saw her sleeping peacefully, curled up closely beside him. Softly, without waking her, his lips touched her forehead, then he sat back and tried to calm down, still feeling upset by his dream.

It was strange. He had had this dream many times before, always reliving everything just the way it had really happened, but this time it had been different – at the end. Very different.

I broke up with Molly that day, Lee thought. There was no way for me to go on seeing her – seeing her, what a euphemism! Sleeping with her… another euphemism. Neither of us got much sleep while we were together. Having sex with her is what I should say. He closed his eyes, sighed and tried to get his thoughts in order again: There was no way for me to go on having sex with her when I knew Helena was out there somewhere, drifting through deep space just like we were, and I desperately clung to the tiny hope that our paths would cross again and we could overcome that matter-antimatter problem. I couldn't go on living with that fatalistic attitude: "Helena believes I'm dead, and I can't get back to her, so I have to live my own life here" when I had never really given up hope in the first place!

He quietly got up, picked up his discarded shirt and slipped it on while leaving the bedroom. I can't go back to sleep, so I might as well fix breakfast, he thought. He carried a loaded tray back to the bedroom at just the moment Helena opened her eyes. She blinked sleepily, then beamed when she saw him. "Oh!… Good morning, honey."

"Good morning, my angel." He put the tray down on the bed and leaned over to kiss her.

"That was a wonderful idea," Helena said, watching the breakfast tray. "I'm starving."

After finishing, Helena snuggled comfortably into Lee's arms. "So, how are we going to spend our day off? Anything you want to do?" she asked.

"Mmmm… what?" He seemed slightly puzzled, as if he had just woken up from trance. "Sorry…" he wiped his forehead, "I've been a bit – lost in my thoughts."

"Do you want to share your thoughts with me?" she asked gently.

Lee sighed. "I had… my version of the Terra Nova dream."

"Oh, I see." She covered his hand with hers. "I guess after all that talking we did last night, that was just a natural reaction."

He nodded. "It was different this time, though." He told her about it. "But believe me, that's not the way it really was! How could I possibly be with Molly after that day!"

"How could I possibly be with John after that day?" Helena looked at him earnestly. "Because I was desperate and lonely and craved for someone to hold me and love me! And it would have been natural for you to act the same way."

Lee slowly shook his head. "I couldn't," he said quietly. "I had to let Molly go." A shadow flew over his face. "I hated myself for having to hurt her, but there was no other way. And now…" He paused, remembering. "She got over it. When I finally left Terra Nova, we parted as good friends."

"I'm relieved to hear that," Helena said softly.

Lee took her hands and looked openly into her eyes. "But I realized something, Helena. This dream has told me something. I…" He took a deep breath and blinked before meeting her look again. "You were so honest to me. Now it's only fair that I'm just as honest to you."

Helena nodded and gave his hands a light squeeze.

"If Molly was here," he said, "if I had to work with her every day like I used to on Terra Nova, I'm… quite sure I would still be attracted to her." Now that he said it, he felt both relieved and worried about Helena's reaction. But she didn't seem very surprised. She just nodded again.

"She's not here, so my situation is much easier than yours. But if she was here, things would be… somewhat complicated. Not because I wouldn't know to whom my heart belongs – there has never been a doubt about that! But I can imagine very well that I could… uhm… get uncomfortable if she looked at me in a certain way."

"Especially since you did feel something for her," Helena concluded quietly.

"You're right." His voice was quiet, too.

They sat in silence for a while, still holding hands. Finally, Helena asked, "Do you have a picture of her?"

"No…" Lee shook his head, but then frowned. "Wait – yes, I think I do have one." He got up and went to the cupboard which contained his stuff. He rummaged in the things his colleagues had sent him from Terra Nova when it had been settled that Lee would stay on Moonbase Alpha. Finally, he found what he had been looking for: a small album with photos of all his crewmembers. Since Molly had joined the Astro Seven crew in the last minute, Helena hadn't had the chance to meet her.

Helena carefully studied Molly's portrait. Velvety black hair, almond-shaped brown eyes, a tiny nose, rosy lips, soft features. Helena swallowed. "She's… very pretty," she said finally. "And that's not all. She's also the total opposite of me." She glanced quickly towards the mirror on the wall. "And…" she sighed deeply, "She's twenty years younger than me."

Lee couldn't help laughing. "Not twenty, love, just nine! And you certainly don't look twenty years older than her. – Come on," he gently reached for her hand and closed the photo album. "Do you really think that matters?" His voice was full of affection.

"But I have grown older, naturally," Helena said gloomily. "Look, before our long separation, when we said goodbye on Earth before you went on your mission, I was thirty-four. Now I'm forty."

"So am I!" he smiled.

"That's not the same!" she said emphatically. "Men are considered to become more attractive and desirable when they grow older, as long as they're in good shape. When women grow older, they are just regarded as… ugly old hags."

Lee laughed again. "You should know I don't feel that way! – Oh Helena…" He fell silent as he looked at her, absorbing the sight of his beloved's face he had missed for such an achingly long time. His hands glided caressingly over her silky hair, down her cheeks. "You know," he said almost whispering, "To me, you still look exactly like you did on the day we married."

"Oh Lee!" Her tone was gently chiding, but her eyes gleamed. "I was twenty-eight!"

"I know. But I really can't see a big difference. If anything, you are even more beautiful now."

"Stop it, you flatterer!" she cooed as she nestled into his arms.

"You know I'm serious," he murmured into her hair, enjoying the sensation of feeling her body next to his. "You are more than just beautiful. You are… my Venus."

She smiled against his shoulder. "The goddess of love?"

He smiled too, holding her close. "She has your face."

After a while, Helena gave a sigh and emerged from her husband's embrace. Standing in front of the mirror, critically viewing herself, she felt her hips. "I put on weight."

"Thank God you did!" came Lee's voice from the bed. "You lost far too much weight due to your illness and operation last month. Working as much as you do while being constantly underweight is not good for your health, Doctor Russell."

Helena sighed again. "You're right. I know you're right. But…" She frowned. "It's stupid. Somewhere deep inside, I guess I'm still haunted by the phrase: A woman can never be too thin, or something like that. Such nonsense! I thought I had gotten over that." She shook her head and went to the closet, rummaging through her clothes. "A whole day out of uniform! How wonderful…" Her voice sounded happier now.

Lee chuckled. "Yes, but – the wider the choice, the greater the trouble. At least for you women: 'Oh, what am I going to wear today?'" he gently teased. "I'm glad I don't have so many clothes anyway." He joined her at the closet and began to pick up some of his own clothes. Pensively he held up his Alphan uniform. "If someone had told me years ago that one day I would wear something like this – with a red sleeve…" he mused aloud.

Helena laughed as she turned to him. "I like the colour. It looks nice with your black hair," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. Then her expression suddenly turned serious and absent-minded.

"Helena?" he asked cautiously. "You look like you just remembered someone wearing a differently coloured sleeve."

"You know," she said in a low voice, "I was just thinking… you two are so different, and still you have so much in common."

"We do?"

"Yes." She took her clothes and sat down on the bed again. "You are both strong-minded, but in a very different way. And you are both courageous, wise and… kind-hearted. Affectionate…" she added softly, blushing a little. Did I say too much? she thought concernedly, feeling relieved when Lee sat down beside her and took her hand.

Helena gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "John couldn't give me what you give me. But he's got so much to give. I really want him to be happy."

Lee nodded.

"He will find her," Helena said, her voice sounding thoroughly convinced. "The woman he is destined to be with is out there somewhere, waiting for him. I don't know where or when this is going to happen, but I know it will happen one day."

"If you're so sure, I believe in it too."

Helena leaned back against the pillows, drawing her legs up on the bed. Lee joined her. "John seems to relax around you little by little," she remarked with a light smile. "I'm so glad about it. I just couldn't live with the two of you hating each other."

"Helena." He put his arm around her. "How could I possibly hate somebody who risked his own life saving yours – many times?" He squeezed her gently.

She nodded, then sighed. "What he did to you… sending you away – that was not at all like him. It's too bad you had to see this side of him when actually he's so different. The shock about… the new situation brought out the worst in him."

"I know he was acting out of helpless pain. Not because he's a ruthless person." He smiled at her. "You remember, I had a good talk with him right after I came back. And whenever we go on a flight together, we talk a bit more."

"Oh, you do?" Straightening up, she looked at him eagerly. "I wonder what you two talk about."

"What we talk about?" Lee put on a very innocent-looking expression. "Well, let me see… He told me about his career and some space missions he took part in, and I told him about my experiences."

"Come on, what else?" she asked impatiently.

"I said I'd like to watch his kendo training some time, and he asked me to assist Tony with his self-defence training programme for the crew."

"Lee, that's not what I…"

"Oh yes, and his favourite dish on Earth was beef stew. He used to cook it with…"

"Lee!"

"What?" He still had that innocent look.

"You know what I mean! Don't you… uhm… talk about me at all?"

There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Oh, I seem to recall we did mention your name here and there."

Helena gave a frustrated moan, for a moment feeling like throwing a pillow at him, then gave up. "Okay," she said reluctantly, "I guess that's a thing between the two of you."

"I'm glad you understand," he smiled.

She returned his smile, then her look was caught by the map of Terra Nova Lee had drawn some time ago. It was now lying on the bedside table. Thoughtfully, she said, "I often wonder how much longer it will be until we find a home… a place to live. And sometimes it scares me not to know what lies ahead, what we will encounter…"

"Nobody knows that," Lee said earnestly, pulling her to him. "There is so much in this universe we haven't seen yet, we don't understand yet. There's still a long way for us to go."

Helena looked at him, her blue-green eyes shining warmly. "We'll see it through. Together."

*** The End ***