Okay so here's the thing. A LONG time ago I read a story. I didn't notice before I started reading that it had never been finished. DANG it I hate that! I try to avoid unfinished stories. This fiction had been written five or six years ago and I can't recall the author. IF you by chance know this person, then please give them my apologies, but I can barely abide unfinished let alone one that was so good and JUST begging for an ending. I figured we gave them 6 years to finish it. Sooo for the first time in a VERY long time I took up my keyboard and set word to page. Seriously, I haven't finished a book I started back in 2012. That should tell you something. I'm usually a Xena and Gab kind of writer, but the Rizzles has infected me! This is my offering to end the story. To sum up, Maura runs away for 5 years and gets engaged. J hasn't seen hide nor hair of sweet Dr. I until she sees her impending nuptials plastered on social media. Maura breaks it off with the fiance and runs to Jane...and that's where our story left off.

I don't own the Rizzles or for the rest of you Rizzoli & Isles. (Like I really need to say that…) I'm not making any dollars or cents….or even sense.. with this. It's just for fun. I hope you enjoy. Angsty beginning. Soft Rizzles end. There are no warnings here. I didn't write any ess eee ex . Wink wink. Super fluffy.

I Finished the Story.

1/1

Jane's mind, like a wild and petulant child, was refusing to obey her. Her thoughts blatantly raced from one scenario in the past to another. Patty Doyle is where it always ends. That is where her heart breaks. That's where Maura leaves without a word and without warning. That is where time stops for her. That's where her entire world was shattered into tiny pieces that she couldn't pick up. At least that's the only moment she can come to in her thoughts. She really has no clue to understand why Maura left, she just knew that she was gone without a word. That moment of gunfire and rejection was the turning point she could look to and cast all of the blame. She called that moment her 'undoing'.

In the time since Maura had left, Jane had skipped along through all of the stages of grief never quite reaching the end. She hopped back and forth between them and refused to stay in any one stage for too long in fear of becoming comfortable with her pain. She had been shocked by Maura's absence then she had denied that she was even gone. Maura was just taking a break. When she didn't return the detective's numerous worried phone calls it was just to prove that she needed time. As days of trying to beat down the brick wall between them turned into weeks, the pain hit and along with it the understanding that it really was her fault that the doctor was gone. With an uncharacteristic phone call, Constance had confirmed that she was well, but had refused any other information.

Weeks turned into months and into years where the guilt of it all had her questioning her own existence. She was angry. Man, was she angry. The anger pained her muscles and rang gongs in her head. The depth of her anger pained her physically even now so far out from the moment. The intensity of her sadness had tattooed and fire branded her bones. She had felt the angry pain of loss deep within her being and it had ripped her soul to shreds. The anger and sadness had refused all of her efforts to abolish it. Since it had refused to leave, she simply pulled it around her and owned all of it. She put it on and wrapped it around her like a second skin. No one was getting past it. Ever. It had eventually dulled somewhat, but she still floated through life as half a person wrapped in a cloak of pain and suffering as her protection from anyone who tried to get close. She did the best she could with everyone who already cared about her. They knew her gruff exterior was her wall. They also knew that they were the privileged few who lived behind it. She allowed them friendship, but never allowed them to offer her consolation or comfort. They, nor anyone else, could ever bring her peace.

Five years. It had been five years filled with pain, guilt and anger and now Maura wanted to waltz back in and take up where they had left off? *No, I don't think so. Oh hell no!* An angel in her head screamed at her to let the doctor in long enough to explain while the devil in her heart shouted, *No! She doesn't deserve it!*. The quickly shifting thoughts heightened her anxiety. She turned a practiced, angry glare at the blond who sat quietly on the couch. "I need to go." She said it a little more harshly than she had meant to but she refused to apologize for it. She turned towards the back door and threw it open causing the wood to bang against the wall. The other woman flinched at the sound. As Jane was stepping over the threshold she heard a soft voice behind her. That voice. The one that had invaded her dreams every single night for the past 5 years. Every night without fail. That voice. The one she loved and now hated at the same time. She turned to face the voice.

"Jane. Please. I just…I… Look, I have no right to ask this, but can you promise me one thing? Do one thing for me."

Jane paused in the doorway. "You know what? You're right. You don't have a right to ask me anything. Nothing, Maura. Nothing." She stopped for a minute and pinched the bridge of her nose. Jane looked back at the smaller woman. Distressed eyes implored her. With a heavy sigh she dropped her hands to her side. "Fine." She held up a finger in front of her. "One thing."

"Please come back so that we can talk. Please?" Tears were falling at this point and Maura's desperation was trying to be her undoing. "Please, Jane?"

The hardened detective looked into the doctor's eyes. She knew better than to risk getting lost in them. She couldn't refuse her even now. Even through the haze of her ire and the cloak of her pain, she couldn't say no. "Fine. I promise I'll come back. I'm just going down to the beach anyway. Just…..just give me a minute."

Maura stood up from the couch with her hands clasped in front of her, tears evident on her cheeks. She wasn't going to wipe them away. She deserved them as much as she deserved this hurt. "Okay. Thank you, Jane. Thank you."

Jane was guff in her response. "You might not thank me when we talk. You might actually regret it."

"I couldn't regret it any more than I regret what I've already done, Jane." Maura dropped her head in sorrow and shame. She had nothing left in her emotional tank. The pain and guilt had eaten away any amount of ego she had left.

Jane sneered at her with an angry huff. She didn't want to show her anger, but it was who she was now. Hope had left her and all she was, was anger. "We'll see about that." The detective stepped out into the salted air hoping it would somehow clear her heart from some of the turmoil she felt. The sun had set and the late afternoon heat had softened into a cooling embrace. Her mind was racing again as she removed her sandals near the end of the walk. The wooden planks felt rough on her feet, but a few steps later and the sand cooled them off and welcomed her in.

Her therapist had often….no..unendingly...annoyingly, made it a point to remind Jane to make her best effort to stay in the moment. She wanted the detective to acknowledge her feelings, but not be overwhelmed by them. Jane closed her eyes and took deep breaths until she felt like she was in the moment. Her feet were touching cool sand and the sound from the waves was singing softly in her ears. The breeze moved her wild hair like a child at play. The anger she carried as a wall and a weapon wanted to boil over, but Jeneen's voice in her ears was reminding her that anger is the emotion we feel when others don't do as we expect them to. It's a purely selfish emotion. It's not without merit, but one can't live there. Anger is also the fear that something will bring us discomfort or harm. Her feelings for Maura had brought her to a place of both anger and fear. Then to sorrow and grief. She was back to overwhelming anger, in this moment, and she needed to define the reasons. In her normal day to day existence she was in a state of numbness with anger on the side. She needed to know why she was so very angry and hurt by the situation now at hand. Why did Maura showing up make her so distressed? With anyone else she would have been thrilled to see them. Hugs would have been given all around. But this. This felt different and she was testing her heart to figure out as to why. To center her emotions, she needed answers.

She started making a list in her mind. Come to find out it was a very short list. Number one. She had been over and over this one with her therapist a million times. She felt abandoned. This was a given. She felt like a little child who had been left alone in a frigid and empty world. It was completely void of comfort. The child within her had cried night after night for months after she had finally accepted that Maura wasn't coming back and that she wasn't going to communicate with her. The child was hurt and scared. Jane the adult tried to comfort the small child, but had no success, because the adult her was hurting and scared, too. They both cried and bargained, with a God she wasn't sure that she believed in, to bring Maura home to her so that she could make things right again. That unknown God hadn't brought Maura back and she had settled into living from a place of fear when it came to relationships. Many men had drifted in and out of her bed and, other than Korsak, she had no real friends. She had tried, but no one other than family had ever had the honor of staying in her life. And No One touched her heart. No one was allowed. No one could ever get past the pain cloak. It wasn't healthy, but it was the only way she could protect the child and herself.

Number two. Betrayal. She felt betrayed by the woman in the house. Playing her own devil's advocate, her mind asked, "But WHY?". Maura was a friend. Not a husband. Not a family member. She was a work colleague. Maura was a friend. Her best friend. And then, for reasons known only to the M.E., she just….wasn't her friend anymore. They had fought, yes, but no one leaves their career over a fight with a friend. It failed to fall into a logical line. And God knows Maura is nothing if not logical. Jane had been betrayed by her friend. She thought on her words and dug deeper. A friend. Was she just a friend? Good question. What more could she be to her? She would hold onto that question for a moment because she had no answer.

Jane rolled up the legs of her linen pants and shifted into the water. She didn't even recall walking down to the water's edge, but here she was. The water made her focus on her feet. At first, the water was freezing to her warm feet and she didn't want to stay but something drew her in and made her stay. Then it became a comfort and she didn't want to leave. That was how she felt about Maura. In the beginning she wasn't looking to find a friend. She wasn't the friendship type. She was hard lined and straight forward. She, Jane Rizzoli, Boston PD homicide detective, was very 'no nonsense' and a professional at sarcasm. The women she knew weren't like her at all. Maura wasn't either, but the Dr had a personality that didn't seem to care what Jane was like. Finding a friend wasn't comfortable at first but she had gotten used to it. And then she enjoyed it. She had found a friend. She found Maura. Maura was someone who had accepted her for all of her quirks and faults. The doctor didn't even flinch when she lashed out on occasion. She was there when bad things happened to her, and it seemed that bad things always did. Maura was a comfort and her rock. Something terribly bad had happened and instead of being there, Maura was gone. Her support disappeared and had left Jane floundering for safety again. The detective felt the loss even at this very moment. Her rock and her solace had both disappeared in an instant.

They had fought and there was anger, but never in a million years would Jane have ever stopped loving her. The detective stopped her mind. Her entire body froze in place. She frowned and tilted her head ever so slightly. She whispered to herself as her detective brain kicked in, "Wait." She was so quiet only the surf could witness. She held stock still in midst of the lapping waves as her brain hashed over the thoughts shifting in her mind. Slowly and bravely she dipped past the pain cloak into her heart of hearts. She felt that thing that was deeply hidden in the recesses of her pain. Now she understood the feelings of betrayal. Now it all came clearly into focus. It was right there where it had been all along. It was right there.

The epiphany struck her like absolute thunder. Everything around her went silent as if the universe had been holding its breath, waiting for the world to shift on its axis. This was it. She had loved Maura. Not in a friendly friendship way. No. She big 'L' loved her. She had been in love with the doctor. Maybe she still was. "Oh, my God. Well, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! That's some bullshit right there. Why the actual...Seriously? Come ON! FUCK ME!" She kicked at the water sending droplets disappearing back into the surf from which they had come. She had a feeling that her therapist likely knew this, but Jeneen liked for Jane to figure things out on her own. The people around her likely had it figured out, but no one had said a word. Not one fucking word. Even her mother, who was always in her business, had kept her peace. It was likely because she would have rejected the thought outright. Five ridiculous years and likely more and she had completely ignored the obvious and not one single person had said or even hinted at a thing.

It had certainly taken long enough, but now she knew. Now she knew. All of the moments she had ever shared with Maura came crashing into her, exploding everything she thought she knew. Every look. Every gentle touch. Every single Maura thing came raining down. She had dived so deep into the small doctor that she couldn't breathe for anyone else. When Maura left she had ripped the breath from her soul.

The whole experience finally made sense. All of the sadness and every painful ounce of the grief that weighed on her like pounds finally made sense. "What the actual hell? I….FUCK! Five years to fucking figure this out? Good God in heaven! What...WHY? How did I not...? How, oh great detective, did you not know this? FUCK! I don't like…..women! I. Don't!" *No, dumb ass. You like Maura.* She kicked the water again with a less than satisfying result. Hot tears began to fall and she had no comfort. She was falling hard and here was no one there to catch her. Her own arms wrapped around her waist and she sobbed. When a soft hand touched her shoulder she screamed, "NO! No! Don't you dare!" She spun on Maura with frightening speed. "You don't get to catch me this time! This time is on me! I catch me, Maura! I catch me! ONLY ME!" She didn't even know what she was yelling. She just knew that she couldn't let the woman in. Not yet. If ever.

Maura pulled her hand back. She was hurt but not surprised. "Okay. I..I heard you yell. I….I'm.." She straightened her stance. "I was checking to see if you were okay."

Jane's anger was rich in her low, dangerous voice. "If I'm okay? It's a little late now don't you think? And NO I'm not okay! I'm not. I'm hurt and angry and sad." She pinched her nose and took a cleansing breath. "I'm sad, Maur. I'm really sad. My heart broke five years ago and it's still in pieces. Do you get that?" There was a hitch in her voice as she softened her tone. "I finally understand it." She took a deep breath. "You broke my heart, Maura Isles."

"I broke mine, too, Jane." It was the first time in several years that the doctor had let herself feel the love she carried for the detective. She had realized those feelings years ago and then, out of fear, had denied any hope of exploring the emotions. She had left Boston, but her heart had remained behind. The next question she heard seemed to come from nowhere.

"Did you fuck her, Maura?" Jane's voice was husky but filled with fear.

Maura was stung by the words and was very confused as to where this line of questioning could lead them. She shook her head, shocked at the question. The words were so raw, but so were their emotions. "What? Who? Jane….I."

"You know who! Answer the question, Doctor." The Detective was out in full-swing.

"Jane….I...I"

Jane jumped to what she felt in her detective mind was the logical conclusion. "SHIT! FUCK! Maura….Why?" Jane shook her own head. Her inner voice popping off in her brain. *Of course she did. They were engaged, dumb ass! What did you think they would do? Play hopscotch?*

Maura's eyes flew open wide. Her stupid brilliant brain wanted to explain everything but nothing had come out. Not oddly enough she knew exactly who Jane was talking about. "No! Jane… I didn't sleep with her."

"Then why the hesitation? Hesitation is usually guilt. Are you lying? Are you denying it? If you didn't sleep with her, what did happen?" A weird relief crept through her, but this wasn't over.

"Look. We have so much more to talk about…" She wanted to change the subject.

"No Maura. We don't. We don't have anything to talk about unless we talk about this. This is what I need to know if we have any hope at all of moving forward in any way with this….this...whatever this is. I needed to know if you had sex with her. That's the only thing I needed to know right now."

"Why do you need to know?" The blond frowned at the detective. Why would Jane need to know about her sex life? Her brain was grasping at too many straws, even for her brilliant mind, to make anything useful out of it.

"Maura!"

Maura's eyes shone with tears that she didn't really understand. "Fine. No, Jane, I didn't. I'm not denying. You know I can't lie….very well. But no. I didn't. I couldn't."

"You couldn't?" Jane sneered. "You've slept with I can't count how many men and you just "couldn't" sleep with one more person?" Her fingers made actual quotes in the air. The sarcasm in her voice hurt even her. She wanted to take it back, but it hung out there like the accusation that it was.

Maura stopped for a minute before she spoke. She took a breath to center her flying emotions. Jane had every right to be angry, but this attack, while true, was painful. She had taken many sexual partners while she and Jane had been friends. She had even taken several men to her bed over the past few years. She was not ashamed of her active sex life. Each time she had taken someone to her bed it was in the hopes of drowning out the loudness of the feelings that she had for her friend. "Jane." She gathered her courage. "I didn't sleep with her. I didn't fuck her. I didn't have lesbian intercourse, coitus, or share a bed with her. I tried. I wanted to, I TRIED to, not because of who she was, but because I wanted to move on. To forget. To forget...this." She waved her hand between the two of them.

"What? To Forget? Forget WHAT? What the fuck, Maura? Forget ME? Forget our friendship? Forget what we meant to each other? Forget everything we shared? Every life and death situation we were in, but we always came back to each other? We always came back to each other, Maura! We ALWAYS came back to each other! THAT? Is THAT what you wanted to forget? Come on, Maur. Do you know how much that hurts? FUCK this! Five years later and you are still hurting me!" Jane shook her head in disgust and looked to the sand for peace.

"Jane! No! It's not what you think. It's not at all. I didn't want to forget our friendship or what we mean to each other as best friends. I wanted to forget that I love you! I wanted to…..I." She stopped talking to let the words, the admission she had just declared, sink in. She took a breath and pushed past the pain cloak. "I wanted to forget that I am in love with you, Jane." She couldn't believe that she had actually admitted to Jane how she felt, but that genie was not going back in the bottle. Her friend needed to know the truth, no matter what that meant in the end.

Jane stopped breathing. If lightning struck in the same place twice, it's what hit her squarely in the chest. She looked at Maura for the first time through the eyes of the pain and anguish that had built up over the years. She looked at her and saw the same pain gazing back. "You what?"

The blonde rubbed the spot between her eyes and then looked at Jane. "I….Jane… Look, I never wanted you to know. I knew that you could never reciprocate my feelings for you. I was afraid and that fear made me want to run. So I ran. I ran as far as I could. The truth is that I could never have lived if you had rejected me." She was ashamed to admit her weakness, but she needed to punch through her pain and reach the truth.

"So you rejected me first." Jane couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You never even gave me the chance. You never gave me the choice, Maur." The brunette shook her head in disbelief. The doctor had known all of this time what she had just come to realize. All of this pain was caused because they were in love and neither of them had expressed it. Hell, she hadn't even figured it out until now.

The doctor looked out into the rolling waves realizing how much like her emotions they were. She turned to the other woman, hands in pockets, and tilted her head. "Would you have chosen me, Jane? If I had told you, if I have given you the choice five years ago, would you have chosen me? If I had told you that I adored you and that my heart was yours for life, would you have accepted it? Would you have taken the love I offered or would you have laughed it off with one of your famous Rizzoli sarcastic remarks?"

Jane sighed. She knew the sarcasm intimately. "I don't know, Maura. I DON'T KNOW! One thing I do know is that I never would have laughed at you; at love. But that was no reason to abandon me! You left me here!" She cried into the night. "Alone."

"So I was right. Because you didn't know and I'm sure that you would have rejected me at the time, I may have made the right choice for me. I can see now that it was not right for you. It was unfair that I didn't tell you. I'm so sorry. I don't have words enough to express my sorrow at causing you pain. I thought it was better in the long run. I knew that staying would have killed me. Seeing you with someone else would have slowly eaten away what we did have and it would have died anyway. I had to go, Jane. At least at the time I thought I did. In my mind with me gone, you could move on with your life. You could find someone to love who would love you in the way you needed to be loved. Someone to give you children. A man. Casey."

Jane snorted. "As if. That big brain of yours was way off."

Maura didn't understand. She had seen the love and devotion in Jane's eyes when she looked at him. He had the one thing that she wanted. Jane's love. "Jane, he was who you wanted. I saw you with him. You beamed when he was there with you. You had the light in your eye that I couldn't give you. He was your knight in shining armor. He was the man I couldn't be to you. I thought if I left, you could have the time you needed to cultivate a true relationship with him."

"Maura! Casey was….Casey and it wasn't as real as you think. It was a pipe dream that was never meant to be. Besides that, I had a true relationship! With you." Jane surprised herself. She had no idea where these words were coming from.

"Yes. We had a friendship, but I needed more...no, I wanted more and I knew that you were unable to give to me the type relationship that I so desperately wanted from you. That I honestly had no right to ask for. Jane, I left to fall out of love with you." Just saying the words made Maura see the impossibility of that desire. She could never have stopped loving Jane. Then or now. Not for a lifetime.

Jane took a deep breath before asking the next question. Her heart clenched in worry over the answer and yet she had to know. "And did you?" She wasn't sure that she was strong enough for the answer at this point.

The doctor looked into deep brown eyes and told her the truth from her deepest heart. "No, Jane. I have never stopped loving you." Maura turned her eyes to the water again. "That's why I couldn't sleep with her. The thought of it made me physically ill. I ran from her, too. I ran right into the arms of my mother, who promptly sent me to you."

Jane stuffed her hands in her pockets. "I loved you, too, Maura. I didn't know it at the time. And you're right, I probably couldn't have returned your feelings then."

The tense wasn't lost on the doctor. "You said loved. Ah. I understand. Past tense." She looked down at her perfectly manicured toes. In that moment the entire world of Jane Rizzoli came crashing down around her and she knew that as far away as she could possibly go would never be far enough. "Before I go, I have to ask, when did you know? When did you know that you loved me?"

Jane's brown eyes turned to her still filled with tears. "Just now, Maura. I just realized it before you came out. That's why I was yelling. I…" She stopped. "I do love you Maura. I guess I never stopped because I just didn't know what it was. I didn't try to stop it because I didn't know. But all of the pain between us? That's a thing that will take a long time to work through."

"Will?" Maura paused for thought. "Jane, I can't ask you for second chances. I don't know what I thought could happen here. Maybe I just needed to see you again. Maybe it's best that I leave and never come back. At least this time I will have said good-bye." She paused. When Jane didn't say anything she spoke again. "Good-bye, my sweet Jane. Please, never forget that I love you. I love you." She turned towards the house and began a slow walk. She had come with hope in her heart, but some things just aren't meant to be. This time she had said her piece and now maybe she could move on from the detective. Maybe. Highly unlikely, but she had to try.

Jane stood still, feeling the surrounding darkness promising to swallow her whole. "No! Maura! No." The blonde turned around to see the brown eyes staring straight into her heart. "I can't lose you again. Yes, I am mad as hell and YES, I hurt like I'm broken, but I can't go on if you leave again. I...I would die." She honestly felt that her heart would not survive the loss. If Maura left, the cloak would block out all of her light until she was only a shadow. Then the light would go out and the shadow would disappear. She knew it.

Maura tilted her head. Her eyes softened as she looked at the detective. "I can't stay for just friendship, Jane. I want to keep you from suffering through the agony you say you would endure. I want to save us both from that. I love you dearly and I would do anything for you, but I can't stay with you and not have you. Yes, it's selfish. It's self centered and horribly arrogant. I know all of those things. It's likely very unhealthy that I can't let go of you, but I can't. I've tried for five years. If I go far enough away, to a beach somewhere with the whitest sand and the bluest water on earth, maybe I'll be able to let you go, but I doubt it very much. That much beauty would only make me want you by my side to enjoy it." She looked down at her feet and contemplated her next words. She looked up and stared fiercely into brown eyes. She needed to convey her passion in just a few words. "My soul belongs to you. It's not very scientific, but there is no better way for me to express my emotions to you. My very soul, if there is such a thing, belongs to you, Jane Rizzoli. It always has. I know that it always will." Soft tears fell from her eyes. She had told the brunette her truth and had to let the chips fall.

The brunette sighed, shook her head and smiled in spite of her emotions. This was still the same Maura she had always known and loved. She needed time to process everything she felt about the doctor, but one thing was certain, she didn't want her to disappear again. "Maura, look, we have a lot to talk about. We have a lot to feel for that matter. My therapist would be happy to hear that I want to reach a place of forgiveness for both of us. What I know for sure is that I don't want you to leave. I just got you back, ya know." She sauntered up to the blonde and invaded her space on purpose. To Maura's credit she didn't move. She doubted that she could.

Jane placed her hands on either side of Maura's face. Her thumbs wiped away the tears that still sat on soft cheeks. Her voice whispered, "Look at me." When the blonde hesitated she crooked a finger under her chin. Their eyes met in love and fear. "I will make you this promise. If you stay, I will try, Maura. We will find the answer together. Give me a chance, Maur. Please? Give us a chance."

Maura nodded her response. She wanted to run again to avoid the pain, but the only chance she had at Jane's love was to stay. No matter how hard it would be, it would never be as hard as when she had left.

Jane leaned in and pressed her lips gently against Maura's. She pulled the smaller body closer so that they were pressed tightly to one another, sharing the heat of their lives. Jane leaned in and spoke to her ear with a solemn whisper. "One other thing, I do love you, Maura Isles. I do. I love you right now." The doctor pulled back and looked up at her in surprise. "Now, please, let's see where that takes us."

Maura whispered the only response she could muster. "Yes."

Finis. :)