He had been so close to ending his life. That moment when he released Aureliano's lifeless body into the sea, the pull to jump in after him had been so strong, he was convinced he'd heard voices calling out to him from the water. Spadino, you can make the pain go away. He felt certain he was already close to death; technically alive, but empty and abandoned. His life as he knew it was already over. Flinging himself into the ocean with Aureliano would have been a quick way to end his misery, and an appropriately theatrical final act for Spadino, a man who had been acting all his life.

But he didn't. Mostly because of Aureliano. He knew that if it had been the other way around, if it had been himself gunned down and Aureliano had survived, Spadino would have wanted him to keep living. Aureliano could have left Spadino to die the previous night, and no one would have faulted him; Spadino sealed his fate as a marked man when he failed to kill Manfredi the first time. But Aureliano had come back to save him. And while the thought of living without Aureliano felt excruciating in that moment, dishonoring Aureliano's sacrifice by killing himself felt even worse. So Spadino decided to live. And to flee.

The moment he told Nadia and Angelica about Aureliano's death, he knew he was running out of time fast. He had felt too heavy to move, let alone act, but if he didn't, he'd be a dead man, or at best, imprisoned for being involved in the massacre if he were apprehended by police. So he rushed back to the Anacleti compound (which thankfully was mostly empty, as the family had left to deal with the fallout from the previous night's shoot out), maneuvered his way into Manfredi's studio and took his stash: 125,000 euros and an assortment of gold jewelry Spadino could sell later.

Being in Manfredi's room, and remembering what had happened not even two full days earlier, made him want to throw up. Spadino had the knife on Manfred's neck. He could have ended it all right then. All he had to do was kill him. This moment, the moment where his hesitation would lead to Angelica's miscarriage, and ultimately Aureliano's death, would live in his nightmares for a long time. But there was no time for despair. Spadino wanted to go to his own room and grab his money and belongings, but he knew there would be relatives guarding the door, anticipating his return. Besides, he didn't want to hurt Angelica even more, who deserved so much more than the wreckage Spadino was leaving behind. He cared for her, and felt terrible for abandoning her, but there was nothing to be done. He'd die if he stayed, whether by his own hand or someone else's. After packing up Manfredi's valuables, he drove straight to Roma Termini, left his car outside the station with the keys inside, and bought a train ticket to Paris.

The day-long train ride had been agony. He had worn sunglasses the entire time to hide the distressed look on his face, and kept biting his bottom lip, trying to fight the tears that kept threatening to return. His mp3 player - one of very few personal belongings he still had - was in his ears, the only way he could attempt to distract himself from his own thoughts. But inevitably, his mind would drift back to the night of the party at the club with Aureliano, when they had announced victory, celebrating themselves on gilded throne chairs with the same foolish bravado that had been the undoing of countless Roman emperors before them. That night, right until when Nadia was forced to shoot Leo, had been the most joy he had felt in his life, and likely the last he'd feel in a long time. A month hadn't even passed since then, but it seemed like ages ago. Thinking about the show he had put on made him sick inside. He wished he could apologize to Aureliano for his petulant behavior; every time he had seen Nadia and Aureliano getting close, he had found a way to interrupt them. He hadn't been able to contain his jealousy, which had cost him and Nadia some of the last happy moments they'd ever share together.

There were so many things he wished he could apologize for, most of all for being responsible for Aureliano's death. No, Spadino hadn't pulled the trigger, and it wasn't Spadino's fault that Aureliano risked his life to save him. But the truth Spadino had known from the beginning was that he was always the weak link in their partnership. Aureliano understood very well how to be king: how to assert authority, how to keep enemies and friends close, how to always be aware of what was happening in the shadows, and most importantly, to never trust anyone entirely. His volatile anger that frequently led to rash actions - including killing - always threatened to be his undoing, and Aureliano was lucky to have had Spadino's affection from the beginning, or else the Anacleti clan might have successfully killed him in retribution for murdering Boris. Still, Aureliano knew power - how to claim it and how to wield it to be a ruler of the underworld. But Spadino, who never wanted to be part of the life he was born into, did not. He was a street criminal, and a killer when necessary, but if he were really the powerful leader he had tried so hard to convince everyone he was, he would have built more alliances within the family to secure his position, rooted out the traitors like Alex, and even had a plan for if Manfredi were to return from the hospital or prison (and would have killed Manfredi when the time came, instead of being emotionally inhibited by a brotherly bond that had been severed long ago). He even would have seen the trap coming from Vincenzo Sale. But he hadn't. He was a weak partner, who had only pretended to be a boss because he loved Aureliano and wanted to be with him the only way he could, and because it was the only time in Spadino's life that he had ever felt he was in control, even though it wasn't real. And Aureliano, blinded by his own affection for Spadino, had allowed it to be his undoing.

At some point, hours into the train ride, Spadino had become too tired and dehydrated to cry any longer. Instead, he realized that in some way, he had been given a gift. This was the worst moment of his life, but it also may have been the best: he was now free to build a life of his own, away from violence and death, away from his clan and the oppression of his culture that never let him be himself, a man who loved other men. He had imagined so many times in his life just fleeing, but he had never mustered up the nerve, and besides, as much as he hated his life, he loved his family, his brother and his mother, and he didn't want to be without them. And then Aureliano came, and having Aureliano in his life bound him to that world even further. But now, even if he hadn't had to fear for his life and potential retribution after the massacre, he would have still left Rome. He couldn't bear to live in Rome any longer, haunted by the ghost of him, of Lele, even of his brother. Constantly reliving the memories of his too-short time with Aureliano. As horrible as this all was, it forced him to start anew.

He'd be looking over his shoulder the rest of his life, this he knew. A small part of him wanted to rest, knowing that there was no reason for the Anacletis or the Sales to come after him. The Adamis were no more, and that should have been enough of a price for the deaths of Manfredi, Vincenzo, and the others killed that night. But he knew better than to assume vendettas ever died. Anyone who blamed him for the death of so many of the Anacletis and the Sales may have wanted to come after him still. But there was nothing to be done now, except move forward. Build a new life. Try to find some happiness in the new freedom that Aureliano had granted him. Find a lover who could really love him in return. Aureliano had loved him like a brother, but it wasn't the romantic affection Spadino had yearned for. The closest he had to that had been Teo - another murder he'd be haunted by forever - and it had been terrible, hiding from Angelica and loving in shame. But in Paris, he wouldn't have to settle for closeted affairs or picking up prostitutes. He could find someone to be with in the open.

When the train had finally arrived in Gare du Nord Station in Paris that evening, he felt less weight on his shoulders than he ever had before. He knew the weight would return later; that grief and guilt over losing Aureliano would stay with him as long as he lived. But in that moment, he was only focused on his now open world of possibilities. He was also slightly afraid; he had so few possessions outside of his small bag of valuables he was guarding with his life. And he was alone. He didn't even have a phone, as he'd smashed his cell phone before going to the Anacleti compound. He also regretted that he had nothing belonging to Aureliano. He'd given Aureliano's ring to Nadia, even though he had wanted to keep it. Before he left Rome, Spadino had wanted to go to Aureliano and Nadia's base at the abandoned hotel to find something of his, though he had thought better of it. The two of them had never even taken a picture together. Now, he had almost nothing from his old life, and Aureliano, his great love, now existed only in his memories. Pondering this, he felt a stab of sympathy for the migrants that had arrived in Rome; he hadn't cared in the slightest about their fate before, but now he had a small understanding of how isolated and afraid they must have felt. He'd figure it out though. He was a survivor. He would get a place, find something to do, some way to sustain himself, and eventually, a new family.

But first, Spadino would find a way to honor Aureliano for giving him the one thing he needed most: his freedom. Spadino had always hated his life. Hated how his family had forced him to conform to a lifestyle he didn't want, and into a marriage he didn't ask for (as much as he grew to care for Angelica). Now, Spadino was entirely unburdened. He wished Aureliano were here with him to experience this freedom. Maybe if Spadino had tried - had the thought ever occurred to him - he could have convinced Aureliano to run away with him. Aureliano was constantly tormented by the never-ending violence and grief, and while he didn't have the same outsider feelings Spadino did, Spadino knew that Aureliano hated that life as much as he did. Aureliano had always known that violence would have come for him in the end eventually, just as it came for Livia Samurai,, Guerri, Romolo, Finucci, and everyone else. If not by the Anacletis and the Sales that fateful night, then some other time. Eventually, the violence would come for Nadia, Angelica, Flavio and the others still trapped in Rome's underworld. It was the way it was. But no longer for Spadino, because Aureliano had saved him. He was free.