Summary: Rafael hides, but not for long before Olivia takes matters into her own hands.
He was a fucking asshole, there was no way around. His hair stood at odd angles from the number of times he ran his fingers through it and tugged at it in frustration. What the hell was wrong with him?
"How could I lose control like that?" Rafael spoke aloud in his empty apartment, jarring himself at the roughness of his voice.
The light of day did not bring relief to his frazzled nerves, not even by Sunday, only clarity into how much he colossally fucked up. Not only was he ashamed for kissing Olivia Benson while she was engaged to another man – he despised cheating, even if it was Ed fucking Tucker – but he probably also ruined their friendship, just when it was finally back to the way it used to be.
Rafael Barba was terrified of facing her now. He read her texts but refused to respond, knowing he was being a coward. After all, what could he possibly say? He did not think an 'I'm sorry' would be good enough.
No, better just to avoid her altogether, he thought. Allow some time to pass and cooler heads to prevail.
He had loads of time accrued, perhaps it was a good time for a break away from work? Some time away from the city… away from everything that led to her.
Deciding that a break was exactly what he needed, Rafael strolled into the DA's office bright and early Monday morning to put in his request for time off. Although Jack McCoy eyed his curiously, the older man did not ask any questions and simply approved the request, knowing Rafael rarely made such requests, provided Rafael left things in order while he was away.
Feeling lighter already, Rafael strolled toward his office.
"Good morning, sir," Carmen greeted with a smile before glancing at the calendar on her computer. "Looks like a reasonably quiet day today."
"Good morning, Carmen," he replied. "Well, that's a good thing then. I'm going to work for a couple of hours then take the week off. You'll hold down the fort while I'm gone?"
"Of course, sir. Let me know if you need anything and I will reschedule any meetings for next week."
Nodding his thanks, Rafael entered his office and set to work making sure his cases files were in order, which, of course, they were. His work was impeccable. Before long, he was scoping out getaway options on his laptop.
It was last minute in December, so the usual haunts were out – no skiing in Switzerland or yachting in the Hamptons. In fact, he did not want to travel too far, but the thought of skiing was appealing.
Perhaps a road trip out to the Poconos? It was not somewhere Rafael would normally venture to, preferring Colorado for US-based slopes, but it sounded so… nice and relaxing. Convinced, he booked a chalet (overpriced, but needs must) and reserved a rental car for early afternoon pickup.
It was barely 10 am when he departed the office, headed home to pack for his adventure.
…
"Has anyone heard from Barba today?" Olivia asked her team from the doorway of her office early Monday afternoon.
She was beyond frustrated with the man. Despite several texts, and calls that went straight to voicemail, she did not hear back from him. It was clear he was avoiding her, but she doubted he was avoiding the rest of her team as well.
Could he be that worked up over a kiss?
"No, boss," Carisi called over his shoulder as Fin and Rollins shook their heads.
I guess so, she huffed.
It was bordering on ridiculous. She gave him the weekend thinking maybe he just needed a moment to think. But to not hear from him on a Monday, when they usually touched base every workday, was concerning.
Frustrated, Olivia grabbed her bag and left her office. "I'm heading over to the DA's office. Fin, you have command."
"Ok," Fin replied with a discerning look. He knew something was up, but he wasn't sure what and now did not seem the time to bring it up.
She barely registered Carisi's whisper as she swept through the squad room. "Is something up with her and Barba?"
Olivia left the precinct with swift steps and took her motor pool vehicle to 1 Hogan Place. She planned to track the suddenly reclusive ADA down and confront him.
"Hi Carmen, is he busy?" Olivia asked, rushing past the woman's desk.
"No, actually he's not in," Carmen blurted, flustered by the Lieutenant's rushed behavior. "He decided to take some much-needed time off, it seems."
The Lieutenant stared at Carmen, mouth agape, for a few moments. "How much time off? Like just the day?"
Brows furrowed; Carmen shook her head. "No, the week. He said he needed a little getaway but didn't elaborate. He left around mid-morning."
Barba was not the type to take spontaneous vacations. He was running away from her. But why? It was just a kiss – a wonderful, steamy, she would totally do it again, kiss. Why was he being so… childish? Idiotic? She could not find the right word, but he was definitely being something.
"Oh, ok." Olivia tried to keep her utter disappoint from her voice, but knew it was a lost cause. "If you hear from him, please let me know. I'm worried about him."
Dejected and confused, Olivia made her way out of the building and back to her vehicle. Once inside the car, she debated going to his apartment to track him down. She thought better of it after a few minutes of consideration – if he was going through this much trouble to avoid her, she would not inflict her presence on him. She would give him some time and space.
Time and space, two things she did not deal well with when she was worried about someone.
….
The fresh air did wonders for his soul. A few hours hitting the slopes each morning, followed by some time in the hot tub reading and a few glasses of scotch in front of the fireplace were exactly what he needed to clear his head. By Thursday evening, he still felt like an absolute asshole, but a well-rested and relaxed asshole ready to atone for his sins.
Friday morning, he loaded his rental car and drove back to the City to face his fate. He checked in with Carmen on the long drive, having left his cell phone off for the entirety of his getaway – something he never did before. Carmen gave him a brief rundown as it remained quiet those few days he was gone, and another ADA stepped in to assist as necessary with anything that came up.
"I should be home by noon, so send me anything I need to know or deal with before Monday," he told his assistant.
"No problem, sir. Just a few emails and files to forward. Enjoy your weekend."
"Thanks Carmen, you as well."
After the bit of rest and relaxation, Rafael looked forward to catching up with work over the weekend. It would give him something to focus on instead of worrying about Olivia the whole time. He still needed to figure out when to talk to her. He did not want to put it off too long, as difficult a conversation as it would be.
Once he was home, Rafael ordered pizza for delivery and set about unpacking and doing laundry. He would mull over what he wanted to say to Olivia some more and text her later. It would be best if they got this sorted before Monday.
…..
"Hi Lieutenant, it's Carmen," the voice chimed when Olivia picked up a call from the DA's office.
"Did you hear from him?" she blurted in response, her worry making her forget her manners. It had been a week, damn it.
"Yes, he called a bit ago to say he was on his way back from wherever he was and expected to be home by noon. I thought you would want to know right away."
"Thank you, Carmen. I really appreciate it." After a moment, Olivia added, "How did he seem?"
After a beat, Carmen replied, "He seemed relaxed. I guess that's a good sign, right?"
Olivia hummed in response and wished Carmen well. Tapping the phone to her lips, she considered what to do about Rafael Barba. It was nearly noon. Should she wait until he finally reached out to her? Or should she march her fine ass over to his apartment and force him to speak with her?
Agitation won out. She was done giving him time and space. Olivia left for his apartment straight away.
Mid-day traffic was frustrating, but she found herself at Rafael's building soon enough. The doorman, having seen her visit numerous times, let her right in. She encountered a pizza delivery person on Rafael's floor and tipped them once she realized they were headed for Rafael's door.
Rafael's surprise when he opened the door at her knock to find her holding out the pizza box was worth a little chuckle. She briefly wondered if he would close the door in her face when he didn't say anything.
"Hi Rafa," she murmured, trying to elicit a response.
Clearing his throat, Rafael replied, "Hi Liv. What's this, a new career opportunity?"
Maybe all wasn't lost if he was already making attempts at humor. Rolling her eyes, she said, "I just ran into your pizza guy. Are you going to let me in?"
"Oh, uh, yeah, of course," he stumbled and opened the door wider to let Olivia breeze through. Her intoxicating scent washed over him as she passed, and he slammed his eyes shut to maintain his senses.
"How was your getaway," Liv asked as she settled the pizza box on the counter. At his questioning look, she added, "Carmen told me. It might have been nice to let your team know, though."
Moving to lean against the counter a few feet from her, he nodded. His green eyes gazed at her though she could not quite read them. "It was… good. I needed to clear my head and hitting some slopes always helps with that."
"I'm glad it was good for you, Rafa. I was worried about you," she replied softly. His lips twitched and she added, "My week wasn't so great. I spent most of it wondering if my best friend would ever speak to me again."
"Liv – " Watching his green eyes fill with an almost visceral pain, she cut him off.
"Was the kiss so horrible you had to run away?" She wanted to make light of the situation to ease the tension, but…
"No!" his voice fierce and eyes blazing. "Please don't think that – that was probably the best kiss I've ever had, and I have wanted to do that for so long."
Nervous energy forced him to move from the counter and pace the kitchen.
"But?" she urged.
Clenching his fists, he stopped pacing and turned to face her. "But I never should have let it happen! That is not the kind of man I am!"
"Why?" she questioned, still feeling lost. "What exactly was the issue?"
Dumbfounded, his eyes widened, and he threw his hands in the air. "The issue, Olivia, is that you are fucking engaged!" he ground out.
Blinking in confusion for a moment, Olivia laughed in relief. Rafael Barba was dead sexy when this flustered. "Oh, you stupid, stupid man. Who in the world told you I was engaged? And who am I supposed to be engaged to?"
Frowning, he suddenly understood that he had gotten everything very, very wrong. Rafael stared at his feet, too shamefaced to meet her gaze. What was that saying about assuming things? "You didn't get engaged to Ed Tucker while in Paris?" he choked out.
Her gaze softened and she reached for him. "No, but not for lack of him trying," she said, noting the way his eyes raised to meet hers with a hopeful glint. "He asked and I turned him down. We broke up that evening and I brought Noah home a few days early."
His mouth opened a few times as his brain tried to catch up. Finally, he stuttered, "Wha- what about that?" He pointed to her chest.
Frowning, Liv pulled the chain from beneath her shirt and held the ring up. "This? I bought this from a market in Paris as a gift to myself. It has Noah's birthstone, and I had our initials engraved on the inside of the band. See? I wear it on a chain so I can keep Noah close to my heart."
Liv stepped closer to allow Rafa to inspect the ring, his cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment.
"I am an utter idiot," he admitted. "Please forgive me?"
"Oh Rafa," she whispered and lunged toward him. Wrapping her arms around him, she nuzzled his neck. "I could never marry Ed Tucker. Not when I've had feelings for you for longer than I was willing to admit.
Rafael audibly gasped with the revelation. "You… you've had feelings for me? For how long?" His head was spinning.
Still clinging to him, Olivia murmured into his shoulder, "I'm not sure when it began exactly. I thought you were attractive the moment I met you, but it started evolving into more than that in the past year or two."
He hugged her to him, his heart soaring as his brain tried to make sense of everything she said. "Why didn't you say something?"
Olivia laughed mirthlessly. "I was terrified of ruining our friendship, Rafa! I ignored or denied the burgeoning feelings in hopes that it was just a crush and would go away."
"Is… is that why you turned to Tucker? I could never figure out why him?" Rafael wondered.
Stepping back from their embrace, Liv swiped a hand through her hair. "Honestly? It was a big part of it. Despite the history of animosity between SVU and Tucker, he made an effort, and I didn't have a reason to turn him down, other than my feelings for you."
He did not like it, but he could understand. He started developing feeling for the enigmatic detective from Day 1 and never acted on them out of fear. "It was easier than risking our friendship, I get it. The thought of you two together makes me ill, but I get it, Liv."
Lips tilting up in an understanding half smile, Olivia pulled him into another hug. "I think we have a lot more talking to do, but I need to pick Noah up from school and you need to get settled. You free tomorrow?"
"I am," Rafael confirmed with a shameless chuckle. "May I take you out for brunch, then? We can walk through Central Park afterward and talk."
"It's a date," Olivia agreed, placing a chaste kiss on Rafael's lips. "I'll see you tomorrow, Rafa. Oh! Don't shave. I like this stubble."
With a gentle caress of his stubbled cheek, she was gone, leaving Rafael standing there in bewilderment as a lovesick smile spread across his lips.
