(Sodapop's POV)
According to the light coming in through the window, I woke up around sunrise. I still felt exhausted, but I knew there was no point trying to get more sleep. Flashes of my nightmares from the previous night went through my mind, some of them being true flashbacks and others being my imagination working against me in my slumber. Being shot, seeing Ponyboy hurt on the battlefield, getting tortured, Steve dying, having to kill other men, getting a letter that said something happened to my brothers back home… all sorts of things plagued me in my sleep, and even when I was awake, they continued to wreak havoc. I forced myself to breathe normally and try to stop shaking.
I slowly sat up in my bed, with most of my body protesting the movement. Once I was sitting comfortably, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head, and in the early morning light, I saw my older brother sleeping on the floor next to my bed. All he had was a pillow and a blanket, but he somehow managed to sleep on the floor, facing me.
My first reaction was worry and stress. Why did Darry sleep in my room? Was he there the entire night? Did I wake him up from my nightmares? I was almost certain that I must've woken him up at some point. He wasn't a deep sleeper anyway. I immediately felt guilty and wanted to wake him up to tell him to go sleep in his room, but my conscious told me not to. I felt comforted and safe with Darry close by, and I also figured it would just make matters worse if I woke him up again.
Instead of waking him up by talking or getting up, I decided to listen to Ponyboy's advice and write. I slowly and quietly grabbed the notebook and started turning the pages to find a blank one I could use. I didn't mean to, but as the pages turned, I read bits and pieces of Pony's words. I felt horrible about it, but the more I read, the slower I turned the pages.
I need to be strong for Darry and Two-Bit… They're being strong, they're being strong for me… They should be able to show their emotions too… This can't keep happening… Our gang used to have seven guys, but now there's only three… I have to get over this sadness… I need to be strong… I know Darry's hurting, Two-Bit too, but they're more concerned about me than themselves… I should be helping Darry more… I feel empty…
I felt a pang in my chest as I read Ponyboy's thoughts that were written neatly on the paper. As I continued to flip the pages, the things Pony wrote down got more disturbing and troubling. It was like I was watching my little brother spiraling right in front of me.
What am I supposed to do without Soda? How am I supposed to keep going?
His words hit me hard. Pony was struggling, more than I knew, and while I'm glad we were able to surprise him and alleviate some of his worries when he found out Steve and I were alive, I felt horrible for making him feel like that in the first place. My kid brother, who was only sixteen, had suffered so much, and I couldn't bear to think about what would've happened with him if Steve and I hadn't returned.
I stopped invading Ponyboy's privacy and betraying his trust when I finally I found a clear page. Even with my arm in a sling, I managed to write about everything that I could remember from my nightmares. At first, it was hard to force my mind to remember as much of the torturous moments as possible, but as I wrote, the words started flowing easier. After I wrote about the nightmares, I looked down at Darry, who was still sleeping soundly. I wanted to let him sleep as much as possible, so I continued to write.
I wrote about anything that came to mind: how worried I was about Pony, how awful I felt about Darry sleeping on the floor, and how I didn't know if I would ever get back to normal.
"Soda?" I turned to look at my brother, who was awake and looking up at me from the floor. "You okay?"
I tried to reassure him with a smile, but then I realized that my eyes were watering. I guess when I was writing my thoughts in the notebook, I was also physically showing my emotions. "Yeah… well, maybe." I wiped my eyes. "I took Pony's advice and wrote some stuff down."
Darry got up from the floor and sat next to me on the bed. I noticed the bags under his eyes and figured I was right about keeping him up throughout the night. "Did it help?" I shrugged in reply, not really sure if it did help or not. "You could've woken me, Soda. I'll always listen."
I smiled. "I know, but I didn't want to keep you from sleepin'. I doubt you got a lotta shut eye last night. Sorry 'bout that, Dar."
Darry put his hand on my good shoulder and looked at me right in the eyes. "Don't apologize, Soda. I wanted to make sure you were going to be okay."
I dropped my gaze and looked down at the notebook in my hand. "How many times did I wake you up?" When he remained silent, I looked back up at him. He seemed to be conflicted. "Dar, how many?"
He sighed. "Only a couple, but those were just the times I woke up. You don't scream or anything like Pony does, so I might've not woken up for all of them." The way he said that told me he felt guilty about it, but he shouldn't feel that way. I didn't even want him to deal with my nightmares in the first place. "You shake and mutter words in your sleep. You start breathing fast too, but you don't make a huge fuss."
I looked away. "I don't remember waking up, and I didn't know you stayed in here. I remember falling asleep and then waking up just a little while ago."
"I don't think I woke you up or anything, you stayed asleep. When you started getting worked up, I just tried to calm you down." Darry gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'm not as good at comforting as you are, but the nightmares eventually stopped after a while."
I nodded. "Yeah, I think that's what Steve said happened when we were…" I trailed off, trying to clear that part of my life in my mind. "I'm sorry for wakin' ya Darry," I said without looking at him. Even though he didn't say anything, I felt like I owed him an explanation. "I've been havin' nightmares for a while, sometimes they're not so bad, but others… I wake up and I don't know where I am. The reason I wanted to stay in this room is because I didn't want to hurt or scare anyone… especially you or Pony." Then I looked sideways at him and tried to grin. "I guess I didn't realize that you would be so worried 'bout me anyway that you'd sleep on the floor."
Darry gave me a small grin in return before he ruffled my hair. "I'm still your older brother, little buddy. I'm always going to worry about you, and I'm always going to be here for you. Whatever you need, you got it."
I gave him a lighthearted glare. "Pony told us last night it doesn't matter who's older." Then I chuckled at a memory from years prior. "And I thought you told Pony a long time ago that you don't worry about me."
He smiled. "I lied. I always worry about both of you, but there are certain times I'm more worried than normal. It's just that until the last year and a half, Ponyboy's given me more to worry about than you did." We both laughed a little. Our kid brother attracted trouble like a magnet, but now I was the Curtis that had found trouble, and some of that trouble stayed with me in my mind.
That reminded me of something.
"Have you ever read any of this?" I asked, holding up the notebook. "Pony's used up at least half of this notebook."
Darry shook his head and look at little confused at the question.
I felt a little guilty admitting what I did, but I told him anyway. "I was trying to find an empty page, and I accidently read some of it. Then I started reading a little more." I turned to a page with a lot of stuff that I read and handed it to Darry. "I think you should see this. Normally I don't want to invade Pony's privacy, but…" I trailed off as Darry slowly reached to take the notebook. I felt immense guilt for betraying Pony again, but I felt like Darry should know what Pony was going through. I figured after reading what Pony had written, Darry could help me keep an eye on our little brother and make sure he didn't slip into a sad or dangerous state of mind. I saw enough soldiers deal with internal things they never wanted to talk about, and I didn't want Pony to be like them. He was just a kid, a pure and innocent one at that.
As he read the words our brother wrote, I watched Darry's expression. At first, he looked like he could be reading the newspaper, but as time ticked by, he was obviously feeling more distressed by what he read. He flipped through a few pages, then when he hit a page with my writing on it, he stopped at looked up at me. "You wrote a lot here too, Soda. You could be a writer like Pony."
I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but I knew he was actually concerned. "You can read it, I don't mind." I didn't care if Darry read what I wrote, my concern was focused on Pony.
He nodded, and minutes later, he shut the notebook after he finished reading what I wrote. I immediately addressed him. "Did you know he was struggling that much?" I was nervous about Darry's answer, no matter what it was.
Darry sighed and shook his head slightly as he gave the notebook back to me. "I knew he wasn't himself. He didn't really say much during the weeks we thought you and Steve were gone." I tried to ignore how his voice changed when he said that. "I knew he was dealing with a lot of stuff, we all were, but I didn't know he was thinking all of that." Then he wiped a hand down his face. "He was trying to be strong for us, for me. He's just a kid."
"I'm worried about him, Dar."
Darry gave me another squeeze. "So am I, but he was more like himself last night than I've seen him in a long time, so I think he'll be better now that you're home."
I thought for a moment, and after looking down at the notebook, I immediately knew what I had to do. "I have to tell him I read this. Maybe he'll open up an' tell me what's goin' on."
"He might ask you to do the same," Darry said. "It seems like you have a lot going on too." I nodded, refusing to look up at him. He squeezed my shoulder again and rubbed up and down my arm, trying to comfort me. "We're here for you Soda. We'll help you get through this."
I smiled at him and gave him a one-arm hug, which he returned. A few moments later, I smelled the unmistakable smells of coffee and eggs coming from the kitchen. "Who's up already?" I asked after pulling apart from Darry. It couldn't have been more than an hour after sunrise.
"Pony," he replied without hesitation. Then he suddenly chuckled.
"What?" I asked, completely confused what was so funny about Ponyboy making breakfast.
"Pony thanked Steve for helping you and bringing you home. Steve brushed him off, but then he told Pony that he could thank him by making breakfast. I guess Pone took him up on it."
I couldn't help but smile. My kid brother had thanked my best friend for helping me out in Vietnam, and even though Steve used to always give Ponyboy a hard time, he treated Pony a lot better now. Steve had enjoyed Pony's letters when we were in the jungle, and he had talked about how good of a kid he was, so I knew he thought of Pony not only as a friend or one of the gang; I was certain that Steve thought of Pony as a brother.
"Come on, let's help him out," I said. I put the notebook back on the side table and slowly got out bed. Darry stayed close by, obviously making sure I was okay and wasn't about to fall over. Before we walked out of my room, I looked up at my big brother. "Thanks Darry, for everything."
He smiled back at me and ruffled my hair. "Sure thing, Pepsi Cola."
After we helped Ponyboy make breakfast, Steve and Two-Bit woke up and all five of us ate together. We made every kind of breakfast food we had in the house: eggs, pancakes, and even some bacon. Steve and I couldn't help but eat seconds and even thirds. It had been the first home-cooked meal we'd had in almost a year and a half, and it tasted like we were eating in a gourmet restaurant. While we ate and talked, I could tell my brothers and Two-Bit were acting a little different, probably because of what happened the night before, or the fact they had two injured soldiers in their presence, but everyone tried to ignore it. Ponyboy was content on just listening to all of us, and he was smiling the whole time. I was thrilled to see him happy.
Eventually, we all settled on the topic of Two-Bit working at the DX Steve and I used to work at.
"Any chance the boss will want a couple more greasers workin' for him?" Steve asked.
"I'm sure he'd love to have y'all back. He always asks about you two, and he was real happy when he found out you two were comin' home." Two-Bit said.
"How are you gonna work on cars with those things," I asked, pointing to Steve's crutches leaning against the wall. I had a mouthful of eggs, but I was sure he still understood me.
He gave me a mild glare. "I can walk without 'em if I need to, it's just easier to use them right now. Workin' on cars would be a good distraction." I knew what he meant; anything to get our minds off the war and what happened in Vietnam would be a good thing. "Plus, I could use the money. Especially if I need to live on my own since my old man left."
"You know you're welcome to stay here," I said, not even needing to look at Darry to know that he would agree. He said as much the night before anyway.
"Yeah Steve, what's the rush to get back to work? It ain't awful or nothin', but I don't get why you and Soda enjoyed working so much," Two-Bit said. "The boss would love to have you back, but you can relax and give yourself some time first."
I looked at Darry, hoping he'd have something to say that would help us convince Steve to rest for a bit, but he had a strange look on his face. He seemed conflicted about saying anything. He met my eyes for a moment before turning to Two-Bit, who apparently understood what the look on Darry's face meant since he gave Darry a slight nod.
Two-Bit stood up and patted Pony on the shoulder. "Come on, Ponyboy. Let's go outside for a smoke."
Pony looked at him, obviously confused by the sudden change in conversation. "You know I ain't smokin' anymore, Two-Bit." Hearing my kid brother say those words made me even more happy than I already was. He used to smoke more than the rest of the gang put together, but I guess he finally quit the habit.
Two-Bit shrugged. "Yeah, but I do." He guided Pony to stand up, and after Pony gave me and Darry a confused looked, they both went out onto the porch.
Darry looked at me with a small grin. He obviously knew that Pony had quit smoking, but the look on his face seemed like he knew how surprised and happy I was about it.
"Well that was weird, even for Two-Bit," Steve muttered. He apparently missed the looks Darry gave me and our friend.
"Steve, I have something to tell you," Darry said in a quiet and serious tone. Steve looked concerned, but he remained silent as he waited for Darry to continue. "You don't need to rush into going back to work. I saved a bit of your money so you'd have some when you got back."
Steve sat there, motionless. I was also stunned by the news, but I wasn't entirely surprised by my brother's actions. I knew using Steve's money never sat right with him.
"I told you to use it… to take some time off of work an' take care of the kid," Steve said carefully. I knew my buddy didn't expect to have money waiting for him when he got home; he truly wanted Darry to use his military pay however he saw fit.
"I know, and I appreciate it, but it wouldn't have been right to use all of your money." Darry got up, opened a drawer, wrote something down on a piece of paper before ripping it off, and handed it to Steve. "This is how much you have."
I didn't look at the paper, instead, I just looked at my buddy's face. His eyes grew wide and his eyebrows raised as he stared at the paper. "Did you use any of the money I sent?" He almost sounded angry, and he probably was. Other than making sure I returned home, his other goal while in Vietnam was to provide money for my brothers.
Darry sighed a little, and I knew what that meant. "I did." He paused, and it sounded like he was ashamed of his answer. "The truck was having some issues and I had to get it fixed. I also had to take a couple weeks off of work for something."
Why didn't Darry work for a couple weeks? Did something happen to him or Pony? I had questions, but words were failing me for the moment.
Steve looked up at Darry. I knew he was a little upset Darry didn't use more of the money he had sent, but I felt like a part of him was happy to have some money saved already, and according to Steve's reaction, it was quite a lot of money.
Suddenly, Darry was handing me a piece of paper. I looked at my brother, completely taken off guard. "What's this?" I asked as I took the paper.
"The amount of money that you have," Darry said.
While I knew Steve wasn't expecting to have money waiting for him, in my mind, it wasn't even a possibility for me. All of my money went to my brothers, and I was more than happy about it. If I could provide for my brothers, I would do it without hesitation. I looked at the paper, and the number on it was more money than I've ever seen at any given time.
"Darry, why-"
Darry interrupted me. "You earned it, Soda. It wouldn't have been right to use all of your money either."
"It was for you and Pony," I said sternly. I was upset, just like Steve was.
"I only took what I had to, and that was more than I wanted, but I left the rest for you," he told me. Then Darry looked between Steve and me with a calm and serious look on his face. "You two went through hell over there. You're war heroes, and now you're war veterans. We're glad you're back home. This was the least I could do."
After a moment, Steve spoke quietly. "What about when you all thought we were dead? Why didn't you use the money then?" I was glad he asked the question, because even though I was thinking it, I couldn't force the words out.
Darry shook his head. "We were told to assume the worst, but you were officially M.I.A., so until they proved you were gone, I didn't want to touch it. I might not have used it even then." I could tell Steve was still unsure about Darry's reasoning, just like I was. I also was amazed by Darry; he had hope that we'd return, even when the military told him not to believe it. Darry was stronger than I ever could be. "I had to make sure you guys would be okay when you got back," Darry continued. He looked at me, easily reading my concern and apprehension. "We were able to get by with my income, and Two-Bit even pitched in sometimes. We're fine, I promise."
We sat in silence for a minute or two, but Steve broke the silence again. "Thanks Darry."
"I should be thanking you, Steve," Darry said. "And I want to remind you that you can stay here as long as you want. There's no reason to rush into getting back to work right now. You guys just got home yesterday."
Steve grinned a little bit. "I appreciate it, but don't you dare think I'm gonna lay around and be a bum like Two-Bit. I'll still go back to work as soon as I can. I miss workin' on cars."
I nodded in agreement. I just wanted everything to go back to how it was before I was drafted.
