(Sodapop's POV)
When I woke up, the light shining in my eyes brought me back to those awful, hot days in the jungle. It took me a moment to shake the nightmares and remember where I was. After blinking a few times, I could see the window and the wall I was facing. I immediately glanced down the floor and realized Darry wasn't there. Good, he deserves to have a full night's sleep. Another moment passed, and then I immediately tensed up.
I don't know what alerted me to it first: the breathing, the arm wrapped across my body, or just the feeling that I wasn't alone, but I knew someone else was in the room with me. I looked at the hand and arm that seemed to be protecting me, and I knew it wasn't my older brother. Instead, it was Pony.
Shit. How long has he been here?
I had longed to be close to my brothers for over a year, and part of me was happy to be near Pony again, but I still felt uneasy. I didn't want Pony to see me at my worse– when I fought my own brain while I slept. In my sleep, I relived every terrible moment I endured in the jungle, and I even experienced some things that never happened, like watching Pony die in that jungle right in front of me.
"Soda? You awake?" Pony murmured.
"Yeah," I replied, my voice quiet and rough. I turned to face him, but as I started to put weight on my right shoulder, the jolt of pain made me freeze.
"Hold on." Pony said, immediately noticing the pain written on my face. He managed to place a pillow under my shoulder, and after some adjusting, I could face him with only minimal pain. "Better?"
I nodded. "Thanks." I examined his face, trying to see if I caused him to lose sleep like I had Darry, or worse. I checked for any bruises; I had given Darry a bruise just days before when I had a nightmare and accidently hit him. If I did something like that to my baby brother, I would never forgive myself. "What are you doin' here Pony?"
The tone of my voice was off and I knew it. It sounded like I was angry with him, but really, I was scared… scared about what he witnessed and had to deal with while I was trying to sleep.
"I made Darry sleep in his room last night," he said with the smallest hint of a grin I've ever seen. Apparently he didn't notice my tone, or he just didn't hold it against me, because he didn't seemed to be effected by what I said.
I couldn't help but chuckle. "Really? How did you manage that?" Picturing Pony telling Darry what to do was a strange thought, and just two years ago, it never would've been possible. Hell, I still didn't expect it to be possible.
Pony smirked. "I told him I wanted to help you both, which would include him getting some sleep in his own room while I hung out in here. He didn't agree right away, but he eventually listened."
I reached forward and ruffled his hair. "Look at you go kiddo, you bossed our big brother around." We both laughed for a moment before a strange silence filled the room. I knew I had to ask him about it– it would drive me nuts if I didn't– but I was also scared of what his answer would be. If the army taught me anything, it was how to look fear in the eyes and move towards it. "How bad was I last night?"
Pony seemed to consider his words carefully before speaking. "A few nightmares, but you settled down after a while. I don't think you've had one for a couple hours."
I nodded. It could've been worse, right? "Are you okay Pony?"
He looked shocked at my question. "Me? Why are you and Darry always askin' me that?"
I took a steading breath before I jokingly punched him in the arm. "Because I know what it's like watching your brother deal with these things in his sleep… awake too… and I know you've been dealin' with lots of stuff over the past few months. The last thing you need is to worry about me."
Pony shrugged. "I'm fine."
I had to ask him another question, and again I was scared of the potential answer. "I didn't… I didn't hurt you at all, did I?"
He shook his head immediately, and I was relieved. He opened his mouth to say something, but I spoke before he had the chance.
"I just don't want to make things worse for you," I said, nudging him with my elbow. Now would be a good time to tell him. "Hey Pony, I have something I need to tell ya." I struggled to sit up in the bed, and while Ponyboy did the same, I reached for the notebook next to me. When I looked at Pony, he was confused, and it felt like my heart was breaking just at the thought of what I was about to say.
"I know you've been going through a lot recently because… I was looking for a blank page, and I sorta read some of your writing." I looked down at the notebook in my hands, not able to meet my kid brother's eyes. "I'm sorry, Pony. I shouldn't have done it. I just saw some words that made me curious and concerned, and when I read more, I got real worried about you. I showed Darry, and he said he knew somethin' was up, but he didn't realize you were feelin' like that." I took a breath, but I still refused to look at my brother. "You were just tryin' to help me and I invaded your privacy."
He was quiet for a while, and right when I thought he was about to yell at me or say he was disappointed in me, he surprised me once again. "It's okay Soda. You can read it all you want." I turned my head to look at him, making sure I didn't imagine what he said. He had a casual expression on his face as he shrugged again. "We've both been through a lot, just in different ways. I knew that you could open the wrong page and read what I wrote anyway, and I was fine with it. I ain't hiding anything from you."
I was tempted to not believe him, maybe he was just saying what would make me feel better, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was telling the truth. I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him towards me, ignoring the pain in my shoulder. "I'm still sorry." Then I leaned my head sideways to lean on his. "How did I get so lucky to have you as a brother?"
Pony reached his arms around me and squeezed gently as he put his head on my shoulder. It took me a few seconds to realize he was crying.
"Honey, what's wrong?" I asked, my protective older brother instincts reappearing instantly.
"I'm just so glad you're home." His voice sounded so young and innocent that it brought tears to my eyes. "I didn't know what I was gonna do if… if you didn't come back."
The words I read in the notebook immediately came to mind. I turned a little and wrapped both arms around him too, pulling him as close to my chest as possible. "I know, baby. I'm glad I'm back too." I had to blink away my tears as I tried to stay strong for him. "I'm so happy to be home with you and Darry and the guys."
We stayed like that for a while as Ponyboy cried himself dry. Once he seemed to settle down, I risked asking him another question that had been on my mind. "Hey Pony, how are you doing now?" I realized my question was too vague, so I elaborated. "In your writing, you were in a pretty dark place and didn't know what to do. What about now?"
Pony slowly pulled away from me and wiped his eyes. "I'm alright… more than alright. You came back. You both came back. I know things are gonna be different, but you're both alive and home. I'm okay." Then he gave me an interesting look. "How are you?"
I thought about it, and I couldn't figure out how to explain it to him. How do I explain everything that's been going through my head? Then a thought occurred to me. I handed Pony the notebook. "Here, read what I wrote. It's only fair," I said with a grin. He cautiously accepted the notebook and started turning pages. As he did, I continued. "I get what you mean about writing. It's easier to tell a notebook what's goin' on inside your head than a person."
Pony grinned a little, but when he found the first page of my writing, his grin fell. I watched as he read the words I had scribbled down. I was prepared for him to raise his eyebrows or something, showing me that he was either surprised or judging me, but his face remained neutral. When he finished, he looked up at me with a caring expression. "I knew you must've seen and dealt with a lot, but reading about it from your point of view…" he shook his head, not able to come up with words. "Thanks for letting me read this."
I smiled and ruffled his hair again. "Of course. I was worried about scarin' ya, but apparently my kid brother is too tough to be scared."
He swatted my hand away. "That's why you didn't want me to see you have nightmares." A look of realization swept across his face. "You were trying to protect me from what you've been dealing with. You didn't want to scare me, or hurt me." It wasn't a question; it was a statement. He understood me so well.
He really does know everything. He must've figured out I accidently punched Darry too. I smirked as I shook my head. "You're too smart for your own good, you know that?"
"You got that right."
Pony and I turned our heads towards the voice that suddenly appeared, and there he was: Darry was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed in front of his chest. I noticed he looked more rested than I'd seen him since returning home, and the bruise I gave him was finally fading.
"How long you been standin' there?" I asked.
He smirked. "Long enough." He walked to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. "So I guess everything's out in the open now," Darry said, motioning towards the notebook.
Pony and I shared a look before he replied. "Yeah, I guess you're right." Pony's expression changed a little then, and he almost looked guilty. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was goin' on Darry. I just didn't know how to explain it, and you were already so worried about me-"
"It's okay, Pone. I'm just glad you're feeling better now," Darry said with a smile. He patted Pony's knee, trying to comfort our little brother.
"Now you have to tell us all of your feelings and secrets. It's only fair," I joked. Pony laughed, and Darry even grinned a little.
"I'll pass, thanks," Darry said with a grin.
"How'd you sleep, Dar?" Pony asked. Darry gave him a funny look that I couldn't help but laugh at.
"Yeah Dar, I heard Pony made you go to your room," I said. It was a funny thing to picture Pony sending Darry to his room.
He rolled his eyes at me, but he grinned. "I slept fine. Woke up once to check on you two," Darry said. Obviously I wasn't the only one whose protective instincts kicked in recently. He kept looking at me and Pony with an unusual expression, but he didn't say anything else.
"You okay, Dar?" I asked, suddenly not feeling like joking. I swore I could see his eyes getting glassy.
He nodded and blinked rapidly, erasing the glassiness from his eyes. "I'm just glad both of my brothers are home safe." Then a look crossed his face and he chuckled. "I guess I should say all four of my brothers are safe."
I smiled. Steve and Two-Bit were as good as our brothers, and it was nice to hear Darry recognize that fact out loud.
"Come here Dar," I said, extending an arm out to him. Pony copied my actions, and within seconds, all three of us held each other tight in an embrace.
Updates will probably come less frequently from now on- I'm still working on the rest of the story. Thanks for reading!
