Finally, another chapter! I've been super busy, and I've been working on how I want to wrap up this story. There will likely be just a couple more chapters, but I'm still writing it, so who knows. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this update!
(Ponyboy's POV)
Darry and I continued to switch off every night who would stay with Soda. Sometimes Soda would insist that he was fine and he could handle the nightmares alone, but we ignored him and didn't allow his pride to keep him from getting the rest he needed. Some nights were better than others; there were times that Soda could go hours without having a nightmare, but other times we couldn't sleep for more than ten minutes before his mind fought against him.
The days were better, but they were still rough at times. We could be in the middle of a poker game and Soda would be staring off into space with a strange look on his face, and it would take a little while for us to get him back into reality. It didn't happen often, but it made me nervous when it did. Is that what I look like when I daydream? Is that why Darry always said I needed to get my head out of the clouds?
Steve seemed to understand Soda's struggles better than anyone, and I shouldn't have been surprised since he knew exactly what Soda went through. He was able to get Soda to snap back into reality faster than the rest of us. Steve always seemed to be steady, especially when it came to helping Soda, however, I was starting to be able to tell when he had rough days himself. There were days that he seemed like the old Steve Randle I've known for years, but then there were other days that he seemed extra quiet, distant, and exhausted. I knew the fact his leg was still bothering him made him furious, which was just adding salt to the wound. On days that he could barely walk, he seemed even more angry and frustrated than normal.
I've never really interacted with war veterans before, so I wasn't sure how to help either Soda or Steve. Darry insisted that I was doing everything I could, but it still didn't seem like enough.
One day, I woke up after what only felt like half an hour of sleeping. By the darkness that filled my room, I knew it was the middle of the night when I woke up. At first, I tried to fall back asleep, but then I heard something between a shout and groan coming from somewhere else in the house, and I figured it had something to do with Soda. It was Darry's turn to spend the night with him, but that didn't mean I couldn't help. I got out of bed and quickly made my way to Soda's room.
I found Darry sitting in Soda's bed with his arms wrapped around our brother. "No… stop… kill me instead." Soda's muttering broke my heart, and the fact he was shaking and crying in his sleep made me somehow feel even worse.
"Shhhh, it's okay little buddy. You're safe. You're home," Darry soothed. After a minute of Darry's calming words, Soda seemed to settle down. Darry gave me a small smile. "It's okay Pone, go back to bed."
Before I could reply, I heard a noise coming from the living room. It took a second to place the sound, but suddenly I realized it was our front door opening and closing quietly, like someone didn't want everyone else to know about it. Looking back at Darry and Soda one more time, I went to go what was going on.
As I walked into the living room, I immediately realized Steve wasn't lying on the couch. I was worried that he went for a walk or something, but when I looked through our window, I saw him sitting on the top step of our porch, lighting a cigarette.
I walked out the front door, and I made sure to make just enough noise so Steve knew someone was near him, but not too much that I would startle him. I sat next to him, and he didn't even look at me. In the moonlight, I could see a single tear falling down his cheek.
"I'm not gonna ask if you're okay, because I know the answer," I started. "What's wrong Steve?"
He took a drag before answering. "Nothin'. You should go be with your brother. He needs you."
Of course I wanted to be there for Soda, but he already had someone with him, while Steve was outside, alone. "Darry's with him, and it looks like you need someone to be with you… maybe even someone to talk to." I knew I was probably Steve's last choice when it comes to someone to open up to, but I had to try.
"I'm fine," he grumbled. Steve's tone had an edge to it, but I wasn't deterred.
Instead of prying, I bite my tongue and remained silent. I didn't want to push Steve because I knew he'd push back and ignore my questions and concerns. I didn't even look at him, instead, I studied how the moon caused everything to have a serene quality, even something as plain as a streetlight or a parked car. I could feel how tense Steve was sitting beside me.
After a minute or two, Steve held his pack of cigarettes out towards me. "Want one?" When I shook my head, he chuckled and set the pack down on the porch. "Right, you don't smoke no more." There was a short pause, and Steve decided to continue talking. "Soda's real proud of you for that… he's talked about it loads of times since we've been back."
I beamed. I knew Soda was happy about me kicking the habit, but he hadn't said much to me about it except he was glad. Although I couldn't hide my reaction, I didn't reply or even look at Steve. I wanted to encourage him to keep talking, and it seemed like the best way for that to happen was for me to keep my mouth shut.
We sat in silence for a couple minutes before I figured Steve was done talking, so it was time for me to push him. I turned to look at him, but he kept smoking and looking straight ahead. "Do you come out here every night?"
He shrugged, still not looking in my direction. It took him a few extra seconds to reply. "I don't sleep much."
"Flashbacks?" I offered when he didn't elaborate. "Nightmares?"
Steve gave me a slight nod. When I stayed quiet, he finally offered me more details. "I ain't like you or Soda though, I don't shake or yell or nothin'. I wake up frozen and exhausted. When Soda gets goin', I have to get some space to clear my head… don't tell him that though, he already feels guilty enough as it is with his nightmares and everything. I'd be there for him if he needed me though. Hell, I have been there for him until now, but you and Darry have it figured out."
In just a few sentences, Steve opened up to me more than I ever expected. However, what he said surprised me even more than the fact he talked to me at all. "You always seem so nonchalant about everything. You've even joked about some things since you've been back… I didn't know you were struggling that much."
He glanced sideways at me and gave me a smirk. "That's kinda the point." He took a long drag of his smoke and and looked forward again.
"You should've told us. We'd all be there for you." I hoped my tone conveyed how honest I was being.
He shrugged again. "I'll figure it out."
I rolled my eyes. "We weren't lyin' about you being family, Steve. We want to help you… you just have to let us and accept it." He remained silent, and I had a feeling I was scratching the surface of how he felt. "You and Soda went through the same shit… why do you think he needs help and you don't?"
Steve finally met my eyes. "Because we're different." There was another pause as the cigarette met his lips again. Then, Steve let out a sigh before he continued. "The entire time we were over there, all he wanted was to come home to his brothers. He missed y'all more than anything, and there were so many times he didn't think that'd happen." That hurt to hear, but I was still glad Steve was talking. "He also sees the good in people, and he hated the things we had to do. Everything over there affected him."
I couldn't stop myself from interjecting to ask a question. "What about you?" He seemed confused, so I had to explain. "What did you think about when you were there? How did things affect you?"
"My mission was to get Soda back home alive. I was prepared for what that meant for me." Steve was speaking the truth, and while he sounded casual about the words he spoke, my heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. "And I don't just see the good in people, I see what they're capable of… I know the horrible things that can happen at the hands of an enemy."
I had a feeling Steve's words had more than one meaning. The first thing I thought about was how the people who captured Soda and Steve treated them, but then I thought about Steve's dad hitting him. Does Steve consider his dad as an enemy?
Much to my surprise, Steve kept talking. "Over there, I wasn't so much scared as I was angry. Angry at all the death, angry at the people responsible for the war, angry at our captors for torturing us, and angry that out of all people, Soda got drafted. Holding onto my anger makes it easier to ignore all other emotions… easier to pretend."
Pretend what? That you're okay? "But holding onto all that anger and not feeling anything else… that's not a good way to live," I said. I thought about Dally and how he didn't feel love towards anything or anyone except Johnny, and maybe our gang.
"Maybe not, but it's a good way to stay sane… mostly," Steve said.
There was a short silence as I took in Steve's words. He wasn't worried about living his best possible life, he was always in a state of protecting himself. "Feeling different emotions isn't a weakness, Steve. You'd still be tough," I tried to reassure him. He didn't reply, and I couldn't handle the silence anymore, so I continued. "I appreciate everything you've done for Soda… for us… but you need to take care of yourself too. You don't have to hide your feelings all the time. You can let yourself be vulnerable with us. We're your family."
Steve glanced at me, and after a moment, he gave me a small grin. "Never thought I'd be getting' advice from you, kid." Then he punched me in the arm, but not too hard though.
I gentley shove him back, keeping in mind he was still injured. Plus, it was Steve; I didn't want to get into it with him. "I ain't a kid no more, you know."
He nodded, but looked slightly sad or disappointed by my comment. "Yeah, I know. Too much time has gone by." Then he gave me smirk. "You're still the kid to me though."
I rolled my eyes, but I smiled. After a few minutes of more silence, I stood up and stretched. "You comin' in, or stayin' out here?"
Steve shook his head. "I'm gonna stay out here for a bit. You know, fresh air and all." It was ironic since he was still smoking, but compared to the battle fields of Vietnam, maybe the Tulsa air mixed with cigarette smoke smelled like an air freshener in a car.
"Alright," I said before I walked towards the door. Before I reached to open the door, I turned around. "We're here to help, Steve. You just have to let us."
He turned around to look at me, and he gave me a small nod. "Thanks, Ponyboy."
I grinned, and then walked through the door.
I spotted Darry sitting in his recliner, and surprisingly, Soda was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. As soon as the door shut behind me, Soda popped up into a sitting position, grimacing a little, and Darry looked at me with a somber smile on his face.
Before I could ask anything, Soda walked up to me and gave me a hug. "You're a good kid, Pony. A real good buddy." Then he pulled away and walked out the front door, I guessed in order to talk to Steve.
Wait, how did he know Steve was out there? Did they hear us talking?
"I thought you guys were sleeping," I told Darry. "How long have you been out here?"
"Since you walked out the front door. Soda woke up and wanted to know what was going on, and he didn't want to be left out of the loop."
"So you were spying on us?" I asked, but I tried to express that I wasn't actually mad, just surprised. "How much did you hear?"
Darry looked a little guilty. "We wanted to make sure you and Steve didn't go anywhere in the middle of the night."
I felt a little guilty about that, since it was because I stayed out so late that night after the movies that everything spiraled out of control and we lost two buddies. Ever since then, I've tried to make it a point not to stay out late and let Darry know what was going on.
Seeing my guilt, Darry quickly added. "We just wanted to make sure everything was okay and everyone was here, safe." I knew Darry felt guilty about what happened in the past too, and I let him change the subject. "I think we heard most of what you two said. Soda's going to try to get Steve to talk more with him."
I glanced at the door, then back at Darry. "I can stay up and wait for them if you want to get some sleep."
Darry shook his head. "I got it kiddo. You've already helped so much. Go back to bed, I'll stay up." I didn't want to; I wanted to help my brothers, but either Darry's voice, his facial expression, or the late hour made me follow his directions without argument.
I went to bed with mixed emotions. I was glad Steve opened up a bit, but I felt horrible about not noticing his inner turmoil before. At least he knew he didn't have to handle everything on his own, and I could only hope he'd allow us to help him.
