"Sometimes I feel like it's one-sided
Like some type of unrequited love
I keep it dark, I keep it quiet
But then you come around and light me up
Usually, I ain't the type to stay up all damn night
Thinkin' 'bout someone else
It's hard to be fine when your heart's on the line
And the truth is I'm goin' through hell"
ADA Carisi had been contemplating his love life for quite sometime. He had thought at one time that Detective Amanda Rollins was the sun, the moon and the stars and that life revolved around her. At each juncture though she proved to not care about him the way he cared for her and those girls. He began distancing himself from her since joining the ADA's office and he even started a relationship which he didn't want to admit- but it wasn't meant to be. Now he sat at his desk writing the speech for officiating Fin and Phoebe's wedding ceremony in several hours. Writing and rewriting it, but everytime he'd write something it sounded more and more like Amanda and him than Fin and his bride to be.
"Cause in my head
It's always been you
Heart in my hands
Hopeless 'cause no one can take it from you, you
I tried rewriting this hundreds of times
But if it ain't you, it's a lie
Yeah, in my head
It's always been you, you"
With only a few hours of sleep Carisi made his way to the impending nuptials knowing he'd have to read those vows aloud and wondered how many would realize that they were more so meant for Rollins than the couple.
Fin and Phoebe calling off the wedding was the best thing for him. Or at least he thought, another day of hiding his feelings and pretending to not love her.
"I been trippin', I been slidin'
I'm underwater like Poseidon
Takin' up space like a hyphen
You're on my mind and I can't fight it, yeah
Sick of playin' games with myself
Sick of playin' like there's someone else"
And then…. It happened. Amanda Rollins kissed him. She lost herself long enough to kiss him and he kissed her back. If he hadn't needed to go back to the office he'd have wanted to stay in that moment forever. But he knew it would continue, that she was his after that moment.
"'Cause in my head
It's always been you
Heart in my hands
Hopeless 'cause no one can take it from you, you
I tried rewriting this hundreds of times
But if it ain't you, it's a lie
Yeah, in my head
It's always been you, you
Usually, I ain't the type to stay up all damn night
Thinkin' 'bout someone else"
Sonny welcomed every moment he got to spend with Amanda thereafter, he relished in every moment she was his. After months of secretly seeing each other they decided to disclose more so because Sonny's guilt couldn't be contained any more- he was sick of lying to everyone they knew and Amanda was still unsure, but went thru with it too.
"It's hard to be fine when your heart's on the line.
And the truth is I'm goin' through hell"
Sonny walked into the apartment after a long night at the courthouse to find Amanda and the girls passed out on the couch curled up. That was his Amanda and his girls no matter what their birth certificates stated, he was the one that had been there and had been the constant in their lives- "Uncle Sonny". He winced at that phrase but knew it was all changing. He had cornered Declan Murphy a few weeks ago and convinced him to sign over his parental rights to Jessie, and Al willingly signed his over for Billie as he really never was involved. Sonny took the package from his briefcase and placed it on the dining room table and slowly walked to the couch to gather both girls and take them to bed. He snuggled them both in before going back to wake up Amanda.
Sonny sat down and softly kissed her lips and gently shook her shoulder," Manda.. I'm back. I… uh.. I wanted to talk to you bout something."
Amanda's eyes fluttered open and a smiled spread across her lips seeing him. She had enjoyed waking up to him in her bed, wrapped around her in the morning and being so loving. Seeing him with the girls at night, cooking dinners and park trips- seeing him being a dad made her so incredibly happy but she feared if she told him the secret she had been keeping the past two weeks he'd immediately walk away. The fear of not knowing his reaction was making her question them, question if he really loved her, or the girls. She knew he wanted to be a dad more than anything or at least she thought so. She just was unsure how to tell this man she knew she loved she was pregnant and had hid it from him since she found out at an appointment 2 weeks prior.
Sonny cleared his throat to bring her back to reality," Sorry for waking you up like this… but I just couldn't wait anymore."
Amanda smiled a half smile," Mmhmmm what's up Carisi?"
Sonny's eyes flashed to a deeper shade and some concern shown thru with her calling him Carisi so flatly. She hadn't called him that, like that in a while. His nerves were already on edge, but maybe he was just blowing it all out of proportion since he did just wake her up. " Manda… I.. here let me show you." He went and grabbed the envelope quickly and handed it to her.
She opened it quickly afraid of what he had done and if he knew already or what he was trying to tell her. Her mouth fell open seeing the papers for custody of both girls.
Sonny put his hand over hers and looked at her," Amanda Rollins- I know I didn't ask you, but I wanted this to be a surprise and if you don't agree to it, it's okay. But I spoke to both Declan and Al… they both agreed to be being able to adopt the girls and relinquishing their rights. These papers right here, if you agree and sign- we can finalize an adoption and they can also be my girls more in a legal sense."
Amanda's heart pounded in her head, the world spinning around her. How could he have done this without asking her, without discussing it. Was he being just like all the other men in her life? Taking advantage of her? She quickly got up from the couch and ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach before slowly returning to the living room to a stunned Sonny.
Sonny sighed seeing the look of fear in her eyes made his stomach drop. "Hey Manda.. I didn't mean to upset you…. I was… I just." Amanda held her hand up to stop him trying to maintain her composure," I wasn't expecting this, I wasn't expecting any of this at all. I never expected to be happy with you for this long because you know I always screw things up and choose losers." The tears started streaming down her face and she spoke thru sobs," I don't know how to be a family, like your family and I'm fucked up. You know that- and now… and now you're going to walk away just like everyone else has. "
Sonny quickly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight embrace and kissed her hair," I'm not leaving you. Rollins hey I just asked to adopt our girls… why would you think that meant I was leavin'? I had something else important to ask you… but I'm not sure right now is the right time for it with you so upset."
Amanda barely untucked her face from under his chin not wanting to leave his embrace and knowing the minute the words came out of her mouth that he'd leave- just like everyone else had always done. Sonny Carisi didn't really want her, someone so defective, someone who obviously forgot to take her birth control one day and got pregnant on accident. Her mind flashed thinking he'd think she did it on purpose trying to trap him and the tears poured faster from her eyes.
Sonny kissed her cheek and wiped her eyes," Manda? What's wrong? Please talk to me… I didn't mean to upset you like this."
Amanda shook her head and wiped her eyes," No it's not your fault- just like usual it's my fault." She slowly pulled from his arms, the arms she felt safe in and steadied herself. " I'm sure you'll go pack what is yours after I tell you and you'll leave, so none of this will matter in the morning. It'll just be me and the girls alone again… forever."
Sonny gave her a concerned look," Manda, what is going on?"
Amanda huffed and let a huge sigh out," I'm pregnant Carisi… Okay I said it so you can stomp off and lea…" Before Amanda could finish her sentence Sonny had his arms around her and held her tightly and smiled," You're pregnant? Really? Well this is… I mean this timing isn't the best since I was gonna ask you anyways but…. Well I'm going to anyways." He slowly got down on one knee and popped the ring box from his pocket and showed her the ring he had picked out weeks ago and had been carrying for the perfectly planned moment. " Amanda Rollins will you marry me and make me the happiest man in the world? I will love you forever, and I knew it was always you from the moment I first met you. From that very first moment my life has been for you and no one else has ever even come close. It's always been you Amanda."
