Disclaimer: don't own anything, just obsessed with the characters.10/10 recommend listening to happiness- Taylor Swift as you read this.
Surgeons spend most of their days holed up in ORs, surrounded by the same four walls for hours on end. We begin to recognise the room, its crevices and nooks- we start to crave the familiarity, the impenetrable world we create. The same surgical team, the same nurses, the same instruments, the similar procedures. We prefer the sequestered nature of the ORs, much like how we tend to spend our days. Secluded. Solitary.
Growing up with Ellis Grey, Meredith knew a thing or two about being alone, about choosing to be alone. For years, she had defied her mother's way, calling her too rigid, too much of a recluse but if she'd learnt anything sitting next to her soon-to-be ex-husband on a plane to halfway across the country, it was that her mother had rarely ever made the wrong choices.
"I'm sorry about the seats-", Derek whispered beside her, shifting uncomfortably, not quite looking at her. But then, she'd been avoiding his eyes as well.
She was in the aisle seat while he was in the middle with a burly old man beside him, snoring loudly. They were yet to take off.
"I'm pretty sure I specifically told Maria, first-class and seats not next to each other. She must have gotten them mixed up or something.", he continued, a resigned sigh escaping him.
Pretty sure was not the same as sure, she almost said but decided to let it be. They had to endure a six hour long flight together.
Meredith felt no joy sitting with him in the cramped seat but then, she didn't feel any overwhelming rage either.
Just mild annoyance. She could deal with that.
She inwardly rolled her eyes at his explanation. She could have booked the tickets herself but she had a tight schedule and sending him a short text solved the problem easily. He had an assistant after all. She had always liked Maria, a kind woman in her early sixties who was sharp as a stick, getting instructions mixed up was definitely something she did not indulge in. But what she did indulge in-were thick romance novels with chance meetings and big proposals.
So of course, she would do this.
And of course, Derek would be oblivious to her tactics. Much like he was with everything in his life.
Maria was among the very few people who were aware of their divorce. Or separation, really, right now.
There was still a month until they would be legally divorced.
Over her phone calls with her sister, she had realised that Derek had not informed his best friend about the impending divorce. So she had refrained too. Not like she had any plans to, either way.
Her baby sister was getting married and she was ecstatic. And Meredith didn't need to burden her with the shortcomings of her life.
But over the month or so, especially when she had seen him at the court, as they stood in front of a judge, convincing him that their marriage was beyond repair, was when she realised that he hadn't made any attempt to even tell his sisters or his mother. And somehow, they'd made an unspoken vow then. To remain silent. To protect those that they loved. For as long as they could, at least.
A vow they hadn't broken. Unlike the ones they had made years ago.
But that complicated things, oh so so much.
"It's fine, it was probably the holiday season and everything. We have things to cover anyway.", she finally replied.
"Hmm."
"Right, so-", she stopped, mulling over her words.
How did you do it? How did you share the moments of your life with the man who you'd thought you would spend the rest of your life with?
How did you choose moments when you promised to share everything? How did you share anything at all when you'd both broken that?
"Anything of significance that has happened in the past two months?", he asked, giving her an out.
"Yeah.", Derek had retrieved his phone now, open to the notes app, ready to meticulously jot down the bullet points of her new life, the one without him.
As if this was a project, just another one of his potential clinical trials, his research projects.
She couldn't help the scoff that escaped her.
How had they managed to screw everything up so damn much?
He startled at her scoff, his eyes skimming her face for a second before looking away instantly when her eyes met his, as if he'd been burnt.
"Alex knows."
"Oh."
"Everything. He knows everything."
"Okay, so does he-?"
"I explained the..situation to him. He gets it. It won't be a problem."
"Okay."
The 'situation'. The situation that had possessed them to pretend, to pretend in front of his family and hers, in front of their common friends in the city they met.
Pretend to be married and happy and in love.
It seemed like something out of a movie, something so stupid and so illogical that it was built to fail except it had to them appeared like the only way out. The only way to escape the questions, the glances. To not make it about them.
"Did you tell anyone?" , Anyone who would be in Seattle, she didn't add.
Their friends in Boston mostly knew. Polly and Matt did. From the time she had bumped into him, she was aware that Jon knew.
Jon would probably be at the wedding too, he was an old friend of Mark and Derek's from Bowdoin. So she assumed Derek had briefed him.
And considering that they worked at different hospitals, it had been relatively easy to dodge any questions. She had stuck with Brigham and he, with Mass Gen.
"No. Nobody. I've been working on astrocytomas. I just received a grant for it and Mark and Lexie know. Amy too so-"
"Got it.", her arm was on their shared armrest and both of his were placed on his thighs, his knuckles around the phone white.
He had a new shirt on. She was certain he didn't have this cornflower coloured shirt while they were married. Maybe he'd been seeing someone. Maybe she had given it to him as a present for the holidays. Maybe she didn't know about her. The not yet ex-wife. Maybe. Maybe.
Meredith knew that he was waiting for her answer but the stupid, stupid what-ifs haunting her wouldn't let her.
She hadn't thought of him for the past month, not really but apparently seeing him, being this close to him again, changed that.
Damn it, it was going to be a long weekend.
"I've been working on something with Rothchild.", she supplied eventually.
He nodded slowly, "Anything else?"
Of course, there was. There was so much. But nothing that would affect this farce, nothing that would hinder the weekend.
She almost asked him. Did he know her? Had he heard about her? Worked with her?
But she didn't. Why would she? They were only putting on a show after all. None of it was real. Not anymore. It hadn't been for a while.
Derek settled back into his seat, as much as he could, shoving his cellphone into his jacket pocket, interpreting her lack of an answer easily.
Meredith closed her eyes and tried to block out everything around her. The snoring man, the baby wailing a few rows ahead of her, the crew making announcements and especially, the man seated beside her.
Honestly, she just couldn't wait for this weekend to be over.
They were only halfway through the journey, there were a good three hours until they would land in Seattle but Derek checked again. Just to be sure.
Yep, still three hours.
He watched Meredith type away at her laptop beside him. She had started working a few minutes after their conversation had ended, glueing her eyes to the screen, determined to finish whatever she was working on.
Probably whatever it was that she was working on with Rothchild.
He groaned internally at the thought.
Joseph Rothchild was an ass. Derek had known that from the very beginning. Along with the fact that he had a massive crush on his wife. He had found it amusing, even hilarious at first, how a published surgeon was reduced to a blabbering idiot around her. He understood that. He sympathised.
Except for the part when Rothchild had revealed that he had apparently known Meredith when they were kids. Children of single-parent surgeons who preferred to bring their kids around to the hospital. Meredith vaguely recalled those days but he had pictures. So in a city away from home, Meredith had quickly grabbed at any semblance she had to her previous life.
He understood that very well. Of course, he did. He understood her.
Derek crushed the growing sting in his chest. He wasn't a jealous man, he never had been. Until her.
He closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair. He had no right anymore. No right to feel this way. Especially since he had been the one to do this.
She had sent the divorce papers but he had been the one who had decided to move out, the one who had declared, without words, that their marriage was in trouble. And that maybe it was too late.
He had been the one to remove the band-aid. So he had no right.
The divorce proceedings had been relatively easy. Simple. They'd filed under 1A, a no-fault divorce. Nobody cheated. There were no disagreements. No fights. Irretrievable Breakdown, they called it.
They'd just fallen apart. Fallen..out of love.
They didn't have any kids so it became easier. All of their interaction occurred exclusively through the lawyers. They'd divided their assets. All they had to decide now on was the dog and the cat.
As of right now, Derek was going to get their dog, Milo and she would get the cat, Mr Whipple.
They still had a month to decide. As mandated by law in Boston.
In the three years, he'd spent in Boston, he had never hated it as much as he had these past few months.
But then, he had options now. A way out. Away from all the hurt and the pain.
He pulled his thoughts back to Seattle, to the wedding. He was glad that Mark and Lexie had found their way back to each other but he just couldn't wait for this weekend to be over.
He had his entire family to deal with. His Mom, his sisters and their families. Amelia, who had taken over for him at Seattle Grace and had been avoiding their family like the plague. His friends from med school. His friends from Seattle. Karev, who knew. Cristina probably did too. He made a mental note to ask Meredith later. He knew that Thatcher and Molly would be there too, obviously. He wondered what Meredith thought of it.
It was as if any place or any person he had ever tried to run away from was going to be present. And Derek had to face them all. While pretending that he was happily married to the love of his life.
He really couldn't wait for this weekend to be over, honestly.
A/N: hey! I'm back. With another story, apparently. I know that I should be working on updating STY and WITIATLYEG(ok, that was huge haha) but this idea sorta hit me and I physically couldn't write anything else until this was out there.
So there you have it folks! The very first chapter. And clearly I love angsty MerDer. Also I really wanted to write a fix where Mark and Lexie were around and together so here you go. And I've always wondered what could have been had Meredith and Derek not gotten Zola back so this is just that.
Anyway, I hope you guys like it and please please lemme know what you think about it.
Happy Lunar New Year to all those who celebrate! And hope everyone's doing good and is safe and healthy.
