Comedy one-shot gift to the fic, "What a Helluva Way to Die"

The Queen and the Crook

(Note, all sentences with a * are an actual quote)

Salem was a lot of things.

She was powerful, cursed, beautiful, filled with hatred, and overall one of the most dangerous beings to have ever walked Remnant.

One of the things she was not, however, was confused.

No, she, Salem, Dark Queen of the Grimm lands was never confused. Being confused meant that Ozma had gotten a one-up on her in their perpetual game of chess.

Salem was not confused.

..

.

…She was just very uncertain.

"Never forget, the press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Professors are the enemy! Write that on a blackboard 100 times and never forget it!*"

The black haired man in a dark blue suit slammed a fist on the desk he was sitting at- The desk that was sitting where her THRONE was supposed to be!

"I'm sorry," She pinched her nose, and blinked a few times to make absolutely sure she wasn't hallucinating, "Who are you again?"

"The name's Richard M. Nixon, Ma'am." Nixon tapped the golden name plate in front of him. "Make sure to remember it, it's the most important name around here now!"

"Nixon-" Salem hissed the words through her teeth, only to be interrupted by the man holding up his arm.

"That's Mr Nixon, or Mr President, to you Ma'am!" Nixon shook his head with a frown. "No more, no less."

"Nixon," Salem growled, shadows crawling from the walls, and her eyes glowing red in the new darkness, "Why are you in my throne room?" One of the windows cracked. "And Where. Is. My. THRONE!?"

"Throne? You mean that waste of taxpayer money?" Nixon pointed over to the corner and, sure enough, Salem's royal throne had been haphazardly tossed on its side, like it was in a garage sale. "I did what I always do, I kicked the litter into a corner- one of the maids'll get it."

"YOU-!" Salem turned back to him, magic flickering from her body, "What gives you GAUL to-"

"Ah-ah-ah. When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal!*" Nixon wagged his finger at her. "Besides, would you rather I listen to those wannabe lobbyists?"

He sent a nod over to Cinder and Emerald who were cowering in the corner. "You'd want me to give into corruption? To the Jewish plot? Not today!" Nixon crossed his arms and glared at them. "We are going to restore order to this good nation, and it's just like I always say! They can't lick our Dick!*"

That. Was. IT!

Screw finding out how the Hell he got into her castle! She was going to murder this buffoon!

She stalked forward, darkness trailing behind her, as she raised a single hand, glowing with dark magic.

"S-Salem, wait!" Cinder cried out.

She swung her arm down, and dark, powerful, angry Magic unseen since the age of the gods lashed out and-

Nothing.

Nixon raised an eyebrow at her outstretched hand for a moment before sighing, reaching into his desk and handing her a small card with his name on it.

Salem blinked as her brain took a moment to reboot. Slowly her gaze shifted from her non-glowy-or-on-fire hand to the card.

He gave her an autograph, this idiot gave her an autograph!

"S-Salem!" Cinder stepped forward, shaking in her heels at the prospect of Salem this angry, and held out a folded piece of paper. "Th-This a-appeared when he did. I-Its for you."

Snatching the paper from Cinder she quickly unfolded it, and suddenly was overcome by the urge to violently rip someone in half- preferably the man at the desk.

The paper wasn't normal paper, this was obvious not only because it was made of gold, but because the ink used on it was grim tar.

"Dear Salem.

Hello, I know we parted on harsh terms last time we met, but after having several thousand years to think about everything I've moved on with my life.

I have to stress that last part early in this letter, because I don't want to mislead you into thinking I'm coming back- I know we once had something special, but it's just not there for me anymore. I've moved on, and I personally think it's time for you to move on too.

Recently it's come to my attention that awhile ago my brother sent Ozma back to fight you, something about mis-using the toys I left behind (Have fun with those by the way!), and gave him four shiny display pieces to counter my cute little pets. (Aren't the Ursa just adorable!)

Anyway, it obviously didn't work, because a week ago my brother sent him four NEW things to help. At first I thought it was just more furniture, but no! This time it was people!

And got me thinking. You know, it's kind of unfair that my brother is giving Ozma special treatment! So I decided to 'even the playing field' so to speak!

So I went to the world that Ozma got his four guys, and I stumbled upon Nixon!

"NIXON'S THE ONE!" It was a message, just for me! They even had it on a little pin!

I wasn't sold at first, but I listened to one of his campaign speeches, and this guy's got BIG plans!

I immediately knew he was exactly what you needed! Not only a charming face to help get over me, but also someone who can change the world- He even said it himself!

Nixon not only balances out those four new guys, but he also balances out the four paperweights my brother gave Ozma!

With love, (but only platonic)

-The Dark brother god

P.S. Don't worry, I gave Nixon a protective bubble to mimic your immortality.

P.S.S. Oh and take care of my whittle shnookums for me! Last checked he's under a mountain- he NEEDS his daily walk or he gets cranky!"

Salem stared at the golden message in her hands as it began to fade away into motes of darkness.

"I… I don't know what to say."

"It's ok Ma'am." Nixon nodded his head in solitude. "The three most difficult words to speak are, 'I was wrong'*, and I know that when you finally find the strength to say that," He gave her a reassuring smile, "You'll have grown for the better."

"Ha!" Salem laughed, her eye twitching as she stared off into space where the note had been. "No, I really don't know what to say, I don't think the language we speak has the proper words to convey what exactly I'm feeling right now!"

"Wait-wait." Cinder stepped forward. "Did that message say campaign speech?" She slammed her hands on the desk. "I thought you said you were, and I quote, 'god-emperor of mankind'!"

"I was not lying. I just said things that later on seemed to be untrue.*"

"Moving on!" Nixon pulled out a large stack of paperwork from under the desk and handed it to Cinder. "Give that to the 'Mercury' fellow you mentioned before! We need to get started! We're going to need to make a lot of changes around here in order to be successful! Especially considering y'all have been heading this operation before I got here."

Nixon rested his chin on his hands, his elbows on the desk, and narrowed his eyes as if weighing something important.

"I'm going to have to take a lot of responsibility, but I gladly do it for the sake of this nation!"

"Responsibility?" Cinder questioned.

"Yes Ma'am." Nixon nodded slowly, his eyes staring off into the distance, as if trying to decipher some bigger picture. "I'm going to be taking over the leadership position around here." Nixon turned to Cinder and then motioned to Salem "No offense, but I don't think a woman should be in any government job whatever. I mean, I really don't. The reason why I do is mainly because they are erratic and emotional.* Too many hormones."

Cinder just gawked at the man, unable to comprehend the words he had just uttered.

"What?" Salem's voice cut through the air like nails on a chalkboard, finally having snapped out of her trance.

Nixon glanced to Salem, then to Cinder, then to the black lighting on Salem's hand, then to the Fire in Cinder's.

"Hmmm." He stroked his chin noncommittally before raising a single finger into the air.

"I know you heard what you thought I said, but what I said isn't what I meant.*"

"Oh?" Salem leaned forward, her eyes glinting. "So do tell us what you did mean."

Nixon opened his mouth, paused, closed it, opened it to say something, paused again, blinked, and then closed it again.

"I didn't do anything wrong, and I promise to never do it again.*"

Nixon nodded sagely as if he had just solved the mysteries of the universe, before spinning around in his big chair so that he was facing the window, effectively cutting off the conversation.

"Now about our scrap with this 'Ozma' guy…" Nixon hummed as he drummed his fingers on his armrest. "The important thing is that we maintain plausible deniability.*"

Salem let out a strangled cry as her magic fizzled out once again, this time before it could throw Nixon out the window. She was gonna die! She was immortal, but this idiot would somehow be the death of her, she was sure of it!

"You know… I would have made a good pope.*"