If I Knew Then What I Know Now

They had had a fight. Something one would think they would both be used to after the last fifteen years, but Donna Paulsen-Specter was struggling to remember much more than the verbal sparring that had happened between her and her husband at the office that afternoon. Well that and the fact that it was seven o'clock, and she still hadn't heard from Harvey.

Donna knew that their argument had escalated unnecessarily, but when Harvey kept trying to make decisions for them without talking it out with her first, the fiery COO sure as hell wasn't going to back down without making her opinion known. Harvey had, of course, gotten defensive, dug in his heels about the whole situation, and brought up instances from their past where she had had no problem going along with decisions he made for them.

"But Harvey, I was just your secretary back then," she had tried to explain. "Now I'm your wife. We are a team and need to discuss these things together." Her reasoning had only fallen on deaf ears too annoyed to hear what Donna was trying to say.

In the end, when Harvey left Donna's office for a meeting with Louis about the incoming group of associates, they had been no closer to resolving the issue. And when she left for home forty-five minutes and several unanswered text messages later, the woman wasn't sure how long it was going to take her husband to come around.

As soon as she got home, Donna stripped off her dress, bra, and heels, left them in a jumbled pile on the floor in their bedroom, and climbed into a scalding shower in a feeble attempt to wash away the day, all while she continuously prayed that Harvey would be home by the time she was finished. But he, in fact, was not which was how she had come to find herself, wrapped in a towel, water still dripping from her hair, seated on the foot of their bed as she stared at her phone, almost willing it to come to life with a call or text from Harvey.

When no call came through, she opened her photos and began scrolling through, laughing at a picture of her husband playing with their god-daughter at Louis' birthday party two weeks prior. The more Donna scrolled, the more she felt like she was being drawn backwards through time. Pictures from Mike and Rachel's wedding, candid shots from the impromptu birthday party Mike had thrown her when he had been released from prison, selfies of her and Harvey at the Knicks game he had finally taken her to, and then more selfies from when he surprised her with Hamilton tickets. And there were still more from when his name went on the wall, and before that when he made senior partner. Her camera roll was like a time capsule filled with so many memories of them.

That was when Donna realized that there had been gaps throughout the photos where Harvey didn't appear in a single shot, and she knew that she could probably pin-point the times where those gaps fell and what they had been fighting about: when Jessica fired her for the Coastal Motors memo, when she had been dating Stephen even though she knew it bothered Harvey, when she had gone to work for Louis post Liberty Rail after Harvey told her he loved her and took it back, or when he was with Paula and Donna had kissed him trying to figure out if she was ever going to be able to move on from how she felt about him.

The funny thing was, no matter how mad she had ever been with him back then, every single time Harvey had gone missing from her life, Donna never believed that it was for forever. Yes, she had resigned herself to the fact that they would probably always just be Harvey and Donna: best friends, colleagues, once upon a time lovers, but never anything more.

Despite that, Donna had still spent years hoping and praying that the emotionally repressed, cocky lawyer would one day be ready to explain his feelings for her. Spent countless nights listening to voicemails she had saved just to hear his voice, the voicemails to remind her of briefs he would need copies of the next morning, or to ask if she had seen a file on his desk that he couldn't find. She had kept so many things just to hang on to a shred of hope that they would happen one day, but hope could only take a person so far.

Until the night after his ethics board when Robert had taken the fall, and Harvey had shown up on her doorstep with a look in his eye that finally told Donna he was ready. Ready to confront his feelings, ready for her and everything she represented in his life, but most importantly ready for the forever that they had both almost lost hope in finding.

She had tears in her eyes at the thought of that night which had led into dawn when Harvey finally explained that when he looked around after almost losing everything at that hearing and realized she wasn't there, it finally dawned on him that they were supposed to be together, that they were always supposed to be together. It also made him see she was the one person in his life he wanted to share everything with, no matter what. His words combined with the feeling of being wrapped in his arms as he said them had almost been more than Donna could handle. But when she looked into his eyes, all her fears disappeared because she knew that they were both finally home.

A soft "uh hmmm" pulled Donna from her thoughts, and she realized that Harvey was leaning against the doorframe, a soft frown across his face. She quickly ducked her head back down and wiped away the tears that had escaped down her cheeks.

"Hey. I didn't hear you come in," Donna murmured, brushing back a mass of damp curls that had fallen across her face. She still hadn't looked back up at the man standing in front of her. She wasn't sure what she would see staring back at her, and she knew her emotions couldn't withstand another round of sparring.

Eyes still lowered, trained on the phone in her hands, she could see Harvey's socked feet slowly pad towards the bed. When his suit jacket, vest, and tie joined her dress in the pile on the floor, Donna took a deep breath and brought her eyes back up to her husband's face as he sank down on the bed beside her. What she saw stole the breath from her chest and her eyes immediately filled with tears again.

Harvey had tears running down his cheeks and a frantic look in his eyes that told her he had had a panic attack at some point since she had left the office. The sight of his pain caused an ache in her chest because she knew that despite her reassurances and occasional appointments with Dr. Lipschitz, her husband still struggled with his abandonment issues, especially after they had a disagreement.

And that thought, ironically, brought her earlier walk down memory lane full circle. There had been so many nights just like the current one where they loneliness and hurt from whatever argument they had had at work would follow her home and seep into the walls of her apartment. Nights when anger and regret battled against love and commitment, and then in the light of day, Donna knew that she would always follow Harvey to the ends of the earth. But tonight was different than all those nights before because she wasn't alone locked away in her apartment, praying for what might never be. She was sitting next to her husband, in their home, and that was what mattered most to her.

Donna laid her phone down on the bed between them before she reached out her hands to cup Harvey's face. She wiped the tears from his cheeks. Her thumbs brushed over the stubble that had re-appeared since he had shaved that morning. She held his face for a few seconds and poured all the love she could into the small action before she gently slid onto Harvey's lap, tucking her towel more securely under her arms before she tugged one of his hands into her lap. As she intertwined their fingers, she felt Harvey's other arm snake around her waist to pull her tight against his chest and hold her there. She could feel his heart pounding under her head's resting place; her face nestled in the side of his neck. And there she sat, patiently waiting for Harvey to calm, his heart rate to slow, and his breathing to return to somewhat normal.

After what seemed like an eternity, Donna sensed Harvey shift beneath her, so she pulled her head up in order to have a full view of his face. Thankfully she found eyes much calmer than the frantic pain that had been there when he first sat down. She also found a faint smile graced his lips, replacing the frown from earlier. Her own shoulders eased from the tension she hadn't realized had accumulated there as she returned Harvey's smile with a "Donna" smirk of her own.

"I'm sorry…"

"I just wanted…"

They both started laughing as they tried to speak at the sametime. Donna saw Harvey's mouth open again but she placed a soft hand over his lips before he had a chance to speak.

"Let me go first," she said, an authoritative tone to her voice that Harvey knew not to question. "I'm sorry that I blew up at you this afternoon. I know you were trying to do what you think is best for us. I was just frustrated that you basically made up your mind about a decision that will affect both of our lives. I'm not saying I don't want to do it, but it would have been nice to have you ask me so we could make the decision together."

The red-head leaned toward her husband, their foreheads pressed together, eyes open as they just looked at each other.

"I'm sorry too," Harvey rasped out. "I know I should have come to you with Mike's idea, but I honestly wasn't sure what your reaction would be so I thought do it now, and ask forgiveness later, which was definitely the wrong way to go. I know you are my wife, and you are the best partner I could ask to have by my side in this crazy life. All of my decisions affect you, and I have to do better to remember that." He paused, and Donna knew he was searching for the words to explain what was going on in his head. He took a deep breath before he continued, "I'll work on remembering that we aren't going to be perfect all the time and just because we have conflicting opinions doesn't mean you're going to leave me."

Slightly floored by her husband's emotional admission, Donna whispered, "I love you, Harvey Specter. Thank you for reminding me of how amazing you are."

"I love you more, Donna Paulsen-Specter," Harvey replied as he pressed his lips against her temple. "Why were you crying when I got home?"

Donna turned in Harvey's arms, leaning over to grab her phone from where it had been left on the bed next to them. She unlocked it and turned the screen so Harvey could see the picture she had been looking at when she realized he was standing at the door. It was a picture of them from the night Harvey had gone to the final performance of one of her plays. Someone had been taking pictures backstage and sent the candid shot to Donna. The photo as a whole was pretty dark except for the two of them, clearly mid-conversation because you could see the smile on Donna's face as she laughed at whatever Harvey had just said which matched the look in Harvey's eyes as he watched her, his arm wrapped around her waist in one of the few times they had touched since the other time. There was an ease between them that could be seen through the image, like they were the only two in the world.

Harvey looked at the picture then at Donna, and then at the picture once more. She could tell he was trying to process his thoughts because she had never shown him this particular photo before. She wasn't really sure why, but she was glad that she had saved it for a night like this.

"How could I have been so blind?" Harvey sighed. "Even back then, all I ever wanted to do was make you smile, and I just couldn't, no, wouldn't admit it to myself until it was almost too late." He dropped his head to Donna's shoulder and let out a deep sigh. "I don't think I'm ever going to stop kicking myself for being such an idiot for fifteen years."

Donna chuckled at her husband's words. "You weren't the only one who refused to admit the truth. Deep down, I knew that there was something between us the night we met, but I also knew we both had so many things we wanted to accomplish," she admitted. A shiver ran down her spine in time with Harvey's fingertips as he stroked the bare skin on her thigh. "By the time I realized I had fallen in love with you, we had moved to the firm, you had just made junior partner, and I couldn't imagine losing our friendship if we tried and it didn't work out. Just being who and what you needed me to be was enough."

"Until it wasn't…" Harvey muttered.

There was no malice in his voice, but Donna could see the sorrow in his eyes as Harvey picked his head up to look into hers. She snaked a hand up onto his neck to run her fingers through the soft hair as the base of his skull. There was so much she wanted to say to the man in front of her. Things that she had thought for years but never told him because she didn't want to add to the guilt and regret she knew Harvey still felt, but he had been honest with her earlier so now it was her turn.

"There was a time where I questioned if always putting you above myself was the right thing to do. There were nights that I would sit at home and wonder if the direction my life had gone was worth it. There were days where I would just sit at my desk outside your office and watch you work, so proud of everything that you had accomplished in your career, but jealous at the same time because my career was being a legal secretary instead of the actress I had always dreamt of being," she paused, pushed on Harvey's shoulder and motioned toward the headboard. He slid toward it with Donna still in his lap so as to not break their physical contact. Once settled again, Donna resumed, one of Harvey's hands held tight between her own. "Tonight, I was reminded of all those old feelings and fears I used to have and often hid from. I thought back to all those times when we had arguments that almost ended us before there was truly an "us" to end. Times where we barely looked at each other, let alone spoke to each other. I remembered that no matter how furious we were at each other, I never believed that the anger would last because we had always been a part of each other."

Harvey reached up to wipe a tear from Donna's cheek that she didn't realize had fallen, and then held his palm against her jaw to pull her closer to him. She felt his lips ghost across hers before he dropped his arm back down around her waist and settled them in a comfortable embrace.

"I'm sorry for the interruption," he chuckled. "Please continue."

The red-head smirked at him as she began to speak again. "I realized that all the things I spent years hoping and praying for, I had begun to take for granted instead of remembering how blessed I am to share this life with you even when things get tough. All the struggles we went through together make knowing that I get to love you for the rest of my life so much sweeter because I will never have enough time with you."

Her words hung in the air for a few seconds before Harvey spoke. "You never fail to amaze me, Donna Paulsen. You never gave up on me, even though Lord knows I have given you every reason to. You have pushed me to be a better man. I hate that being my secretary cost you your acting career, but you became the best damn COO I've ever seen. And everyone at the firm knows the only reason we manage to keep the lights on and the doors open is because of you." He broke off for a second, moving the hand Donna had entangled with his and pressed it against his chest just above his heart. "Everything I am today, I owe so much of it to you. When I used to say I didn't want to know what kind of lawyer I'd be without you, I really meant that I didn't want to know what kind of person I would be without you. You ground me and remind me that even when it's hard, life is beautiful and worth every second because I get to live it with you."

The next morning, Donna rolled over to an empty bed beside her; the shower running in their bathroom, and the sound of Harvey's alarm blaring from his nightstand. She grabbed the device and silenced it. Before she locked the screen, she realized that the lockscreen had been changed to the picture she had shown him the night before. Warmth spread through her chest as she realized once again that even though she and Harvey share some painful memories, all their memories add up to a beautiful love story that would never end.