WARNING: Another sue warning. Also PTSD episodes/trauma healing.
History: So I wanted to take a moment to point out that a lot of Star Wars is based on American History, I would be remiss in the current climate not to acknowledge some of those parallels.
'The culture wars' and strict guarding of language are often used in American politics to distract from bigger issues, say districts that aren't allowed safe drinking water or have schools built on toxic dump zones (i.e. environmental racism/classism).
But language is still important to how we express ourselves and how we understand one another. The origins of language can often tell you a lot about a place's cultural history.
For example; the rule of thumb is referring to a way to mark visual perspective, however, that phrase comes from the law of how thick a rod or switch could be for a man to legally beat his wife with.
Bringing this back to Star Wars and how the clones are treated as completely disposable and transported in ships is a non-subtle reference to the Atlantic slave trade.
I love fiction, especially, fantasy because we can explore really terrible things and find resolution in the chaos while also learning to have compassion for people we may never meet.
Chapter 16 - The Power of a Name
Obi-Wan woke slowly. He kept his breathing even, the beat of his heart marked by a distant beeping.
He knew there were drugs in his system, lots of drugs, but he didn't quite care enough to try to work them out of his system.
His body was also in no shape whatsoever to try making an escape.
He had been tortured before, enslaved before, and brought to the brink of death before, but he couldn't quite recall being this injured.
Though recalling anything right now was… difficult.
There was a throb and ache in his very bones, not something he should have been able to feel when he was so drugged up that he couldn't sense the Force.
If he tried getting up, he had the instinctual sense that he might do irreparable damage and that he would be quite incapable of succeeding in an escape attempt.
Carefully, Obi-Wan tried to feel his body, the first thing he felt was the warmth around one of his hands.
He cracked open his eyes and then found tears blurring his vision at who he saw.
Cody.
This could be a delusion, a drug-induced dream.
But hope was a hard creature to vanquish.
Cody had let his hair grow out some, but Obi-Wan knew it was his commander, the scar at his temple, one acquired from Ventress—
The thought made him flinch.
And the flinch made him freeze as several places about his body seemed to give a tug.
Painless, but almost itchy, warning him that he hadn't been fully treated by a healer yet.
Or maybe he was still dreaming.
If he was dreaming, then he didn't wake up and his thoughts did not summon his torturer.
Kriff, his thoughts were hazy.
He wanted to see Cody's light and life in the Force, but he couldn't, so he settled for memorizing his image.
His commander was asleep, half bent over Obi-Wan's hospital bed with both his hands wrapped loosely around Obi-Wan's right hand.
Obi-Wan wanted to wake him up, wanted Cody to hold him.
He wanted what they had months ago.
Lifetimes ago.
Curled up together, safe, unharmed, and unthreatened, with more of the vode as well as his two youngest Padawans.
Obi-Wan shied away from thoughts of Anakin.
It felt wrong to wake his commander, his Cody.
The man looked exhausted.
But Obi-Wan had been starved, in the conventional way as well as being cut off from the Force —for months, and even now, the Force wasn't even within reach of perception.
Again, he thought of trying to work the drugs out of his system but a part of his soul would rather die than deal with the pain the drugs were keeping at bay.
He didn't think he could handle any more pain without the Force there to reassure him.
Obi-Wan slowly worked his hand out of Cody's grip.
It took more effort than was pretty to raise his hand to Cody's head, but it was worth said effort. Cody's hair was thick and as soft as cotton. For some minutes, Obi-Wan contented himself with the freedom of movement, of this delightful dream.
Maybe they were both dead.
That thought didn't scare him.
Being without the Force was the scariest thing his mind could summon.
Well, as scary as dealing with Ventress without the Force at any rate.
He continued to run his fingers through his not-yet lovers' curls.
Obi-Wan sort of hoped they weren't dead, at least not before they resolved that particular boundary.
Unlike how Anakin had supposed, Obi-Wan did enjoy getting kriffed, but he couldn't truly remember the last time he had made love with someone.
He really hoped Cody would be his someone.
And he hoped that Cody wanted him like that too, though he loved Cody enough to settle for falling asleep beside him each night.
But that would require them not being dead, which he was beginning to hope for more and more.
Even if he did wake up to Ventress and Alpha-17…
Suddenly, Cody startled awake, and Obi-Wan's heart was nearly torn as he saw the desperation on his Commander's expression.
For a moment, Obi-Wan was left adrift, floating.
Cody was talking, but Obi-Wan couldn't hear him, or if he did, he couldn't process the words.
Cody caught his hand and suddenly Obi-Wan was grounded again and Cody's words came to him in fragments.
"Obi-Wa—, can —you hear —e?"
Obi-Wan swallowed, before trying to ask Cody to hold him, "Please?"
Cody sat back down, leaning in close.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief at his commander's understanding. Clinging to Cody's hand, he said again, "Please."
Don't leave me.
Cody kissed his hand, "I'm here."
Obi-Wan could have wept.
Please don't let this be a dream.
Cody continued to talk but Obi-Wan was drifting away into the haze. Not quite asleep but resting, aware enough to feel Cody holding his hand.
Voices, not all of them Cody's, filtered through his head.
"Can he hear me?"
"Possibly, but he shouldn't be awake."
"...has enough drugs —down a bantha."
"What did h—say?"
In answer, Cody said, "Please."
At that, Obi-Wan opened his eyes, finding Cody still beside him. He ignored the others, they weren't Cody.
Obi-Wan worked up the effort to speak, perfectly convinced there would only be nightmares if Cody left him. "Stay, please?"
Cody spoke, but all Obi-Wan processed was his head nodding.
Obi-Wan began to relax, to let the drugs have their way with him, when the worst happened; Cody pulled away.
Panic seized him.
There was a frantic beeping, and Obi-Wan did fight the drugs then. He tried to sit up, to follow Cody.
But his vision was eaten away by carnivorous black spots and flaring lights.
He couldn't see.
He couldn't use the Force.
And he couldn't feel Cody, no matter how hard he tried to reach for him.
"NO!" his voice came out in a scream as the pain cut through the fog, sharp and driving the adrenalin, and therefore the panic.
He didn't think he was dead anymore, but he sort of wished he was.
Everything hurt.
Ventress had stolen the Force and the Light from him.
And he couldn't find Cody.
He knew there was more that he was forgetting, more heartache, more failure.
But right now, all he knew was the pain of Cody leaving him too and the infinite knowledge that he would suffer —alone.
Cody jumped as his general's voice broke over a scream, a shouted command.
That 'no' froze him in place, the rebuke and heart-stopping fear of failure throwing ice into his veins.
Obi-Wan was struggling to sit up as if he were a drowning man reaching for the surface miles above him.
Cody snapped out of the shock, as Obi-Wan let out another scream, this one wordless. He caught Obi-Wan's hand, leading him back down to the bed.
Obi-Wan's body spasmed worryingly. The lacerations and internal damage had been such that they couldn't move him into a bacta tank yet. That one lunge forward might have set his recovery back a week a more.
Bones and Helix, called by the first word, worked in silent unison, checking the bandages and upping the drugs in the IV that they were lucky Obi-Wan hadn't pulled out.
That hadn't bound him to the bed because the Jedi, at least the Masters, tended to have violent reactions to being drugged and bindings always set off their fight or flight instincts.
Cody did his part hushing Obi-Wan as the Jetii whispered under his breath, "Please, please, please…"
It broke Cody's heart to see his general like this, even knowing logically, that this wasn't Obi-Wan's true psyche. No, this delirium was caused almost purely by the grade A drugs they used on him.
The type of drugs that could put down a rancor and would never be used during an interrogation, unless you wanted vivid poetry about the crack formations of the prison wall.
That Obi-Wan was having a bad reaction was a testament to how much pain and mental anguish he was in.
He should be asleep, the Jetii healers had promised these drugs would make him sleep.
"Shhh… ner cyare," Cody tried to assure the man he loved. "I'm here, I'm here. Hush, cyar'ika, I'm here with you. You're safe, I'm here. "
He had only pulled back to take off his armour so he could sit closer to Obi-Wan.
"Please?" Obi-Wan said again, throat raw and weak.
"Please what, cyar'ika?" Cody whispered, settling their foreheads together in a keldabe kiss.
"Stay with me?" Obi-Wan pleaded, voice impossibly small.
Cody moved slowly, laying his lips on Obi-Wan's forehead, "Yes, Obi-Wan, I'll stay. I'll stay."
For as long as you want me, nothing could keep me from your side.
"He's injured," Bones said.
No, kriff, Cody thought but refrained from saying anything that would spook his general's spice addled brain.
"He's going to be more injured if we can't keep him down. We can't restrain him, vod. He's already proven that panicked he can work past the drugs. Che said we couldn't put him in a bacta tank until we stabilize his injuries or he'll break through the tank and possibly drown himself."
Cody tried really hard not to picture that, focusing on his breathing and keeping his forehead pressed to Obi-Wan's, which at least seemed to be pacifying him for now.
A moment later, Cody felt the medics' hands on him, taking off his armour as Cody had intended to do earlier.
All clone armour was essentially the same, and the medics' skills in stripping armour were unparalleled, and Cody was soon stripped down to just his blacks and barefoot.
He wanted Obi-Wan to know he was safe, that they were all okay, that Anakin was alive.
But Anakin had remained in a deep coma over these long months, and they couldn't say with honesty that he was completely okay.
A half-lie might again spark panic.
Hells, it was likely this drugged that just Anakin's name could set him off again.
Cody pulled back slightly, and Obi-Wan tensed.
"Shhhh, crya'ika, I'm here, I'm here. I'm staying," Cody said as Bones pulled back the blanket and Helix manoeuvred Cody into the bed without jostling Obi-Wan overly much.
Bones handed Helix an extra pillow designed for surgeries so Cody laid elevated beside Obi-Wan. The result of which was that Obi-Wan could curl into Cody's chest, almost underneath him, while Cody put next to no weight on his Jetii.
Helix let out a sigh as Obi-Wan went lax in Cody's arms, the heart monitor finally settling into a steady rhythm.
"Don't move," Bones instructed Cody as they began to redo their scans.
"Did he injure himself again?" Cody asked, feeling stiff and afraid to breathe.
"He should be fine," Helix said. "But kriff, I've never heard of any of the Knights or Masters overcoming those drugs."
"What set him off?" Cody asked, knowing it had something to do with him leaving, but the look of agony on Obi-Wan's face when he had let go of his hand would hunt Cody to his last breath.
"He can't feel the Force," Helix said. "Omega and Tano confirmed they couldn't sense him."
Omega had been sent off to get some sleep only a few hours ago.
"But he could still see me," Cody dug.
Helix sighed, "He's touch starved, likely. His health dramatically improved when you all started bunking in his rooms at night. Without being able to reach the Force, it likely made his skin hunger more acute."
"Skin hunger?" Cody asked, knowing the meaning but having never thought it was a medical condition.
Helix petted Obi-Wan's soft hair, "Aside from the torture, he hasn't touched anyone for months, Codes. I spoke to Master Vos, our general has always been extremely affectionate. Touch is a real a need as food or water for some."
Cody felt a surge of protection overcome him, "I won't leave him."
He had other duties, they all knew it, but Helix nodded, "Get some sleep, Ori'vod. I don't think he's going to bounce back from this as quickly as he has in the past." Helix's eyes went to the bed at the back of the room, where Anakin still lay in his coma.
Cody sighed, "He's alive, they're both alive."
Helix ran his fingers through Cody's hair, "Rest, Ori'vod. We won't allow him to be taken from you; so rest. And that's an order from your medics."
Cody nodded closing his eyes and pressing his cheek against Obi-Wan's head, seemingly the only part of him that wasn't wrapped in bandages.
Omega sat across from Alpha-17, who had begun to go by just Seventeen, who was sitting cross-legged on the bed. Seventeen had been taken out of a bacta tank a few hours ago and had not been dismissed by Helix yet.
Not for his physical injuries, though Helix had shot up Comando with a nasty cocktail of drugs that made the patient feel tired and ill, mainly causing vertigo.
Why did medics have such drugs? Because it made for a good weapon, and it kept some of their patients from throwing themselves at work or going to the gym.
It didn't work on Jedi though. The Jedi sort of shrugged it off or worked through it. The vode, aside from her, didn't have that convenience, though it was clear Seventeen would have tried if Omega hadn't dragged him into a game of sabaac.
She was trying very hard not to think of Master Kenobi was fighting unconsciously against sleep and healing sluggishly. She could still hardly feel him through the Force and it was deeply troubling.
Seventeen, though physically clear, hadn't talked much since waking and had kept his gaze perpetually lowered. For someone as aggressive with eye contact as Seventeen was, it was not an encouraging sign.
So here there, Omega having guilted him into playing sabaac with her, Hunter, and Wrecker.
Crosshair, Tech, and Echo were working on the mission that was still in the research and hacking stage.
Master Kenobi and Cody were asleep in the bed between Anakin and Seventeen's bed.
It was the first time any of them had seen Cody truly sleep since Master Kenobi had been taken.
"You're really bad at this," Omega said, palming a card off Hunter and replacing it with a bad card of her own as Hunter glanced at Seventeen.
Wrecker was too absorbed with his own cards to notice, but as Seventeen had kept his gaze down at card level, he saw.
Seventeen glanced up catching Omega's gaze for a brief moment, brows pinched with disapproval at her 'protocol breaking'.
She smiled smugly at him as he froze, realizing she had done it on purpose to get him to look up.
Luckily for her, she wasn't a brother, but a sister, and whatever trauma was running rampant over Seventeen's sense of self wasn't triggered by her.
So, Seventeen held her gaze as he played his next card.
She grinned.
Hunter looked between them both, and Omega used the Force to snag another one of Hunter's cards as he tried to decipher Seventeen's changed expression.
Another few turns passed like this.
Omega made a face at her hand as if displeased.
Wrecker and Hunter both looked as if they were willing to risk showing their hand, while Seventeen folded.
Omega pretended to debate her choice until Hunter laid down his hand.
Omega smiled sweetly at Hunter as she flipped her cards over, winning the pot which was a bunch of flavour packets to mix with the new rations that were even blander than the ones that had had steroids in them.
"How?" Hunter asked, throwing up his hands.
Omega tossed Seventeen two packets, "My thanks, accomplice."
Hunter narrowed his gaze, "Cheat."
"You're own fault for teaching me how to cheat," she said, grinning.
Hunter's gaze narrowed, "I wasn't the one to teach you how to cheat, Omega."
She flushed, "Let's play again."
Wrecker shook his head, "We don't have anything left to play for."
"We have our names," she suggested, boldly and impulsively.
Hunter and Wrecker stiffened, but Seventeen just frowned at her, his vow to avoid eye contact seemingly forgotten.
"What do you mean our names?" Hunter asked. "I'm not changing mine, and you should no better than to assume the right—"
"You both have names," Omega interrupted. "But Seventeen and I don't."
"My name is Seventeen," Seventeen said flatly.
"It's not a good one, and you only picked it to punish yourself," she said, challenging him, the Force both encouraging her and warning her to tread carefully.
Anger filled Seventeen's dark gaze, however, even directed at her, it was better than the defeat and hopelessness he had been bleeding into the Force since he had woken up.
Alpha-17 had sometimes gone by Alpha, he was considered the top of his generation by most, but by choosing Seventeen, he was subscribing to what the Kaminoans had called him.
Though some of the Longnecks shortened it to droid codes, A-17.
"Says the cadet who hasn't picked a name past her designation," Seventeen bit out.
She grinned, a spark of ire turning in her own gut, "Exactly, between the four of us, there would only be one winner. If I win, I get to change your name, if any of you win, the winner gets to pick my name."
Her heart pounded, her bravado leaving her in instinct. It wasn't till the words left her mouth did she realize what a big deal this was.
What she was risking.
Naming someone was a big deal, and she honestly didn't want to rename Seventeen, she just wanted to shake him out of despair.
But risking her own name?
A name was an identity, it was memory, it was the break from the Kaminoans, a rejection of their ownership over them.
She was a Jedi Padawan, and yet…
She still felt like that girl who had drowned beneath a fallen city.
Finally, Seventeen said, "Fine, but no Force tricks."
She nodded, she wouldn't cheat, which meant she probably wouldn't win. Ideally, she didn't want to win and be given the responsibility of changing Seventeen's fate.
However…
Given the choice, even if Hunter didn't remember her, she would rather Hunter or Wrecker give her a name than Seventeen who she knew so little about aside from how much the Bad Batch had despised him and how well Nala Se had regarded him.
What followed was the most intense game of sabaac she was ever likely to play that seemed to stretch on forever.
To her great surprise, she actually had a good hand, one that beat Hunter and Wrecker.
But not better than Seventeen's, who won the game.
Only it wasn't really a game.
Her heart pounded, and she tried letting her fears go into the Force, but it was hard because she wasn't even sure exactly why she was afraid.
Wrecker and Hunter said nothing.
She could have said no, could have gone back on her word, but that was against their way.
Seventeen could have retracted on the deal, but that would be the same as calling her a liar, more dishonouring than almost anything he could have done.
They all had so little, to trade a naming was something akin to a life debt.
Seventeen was quiet for a long time before he said finally, "Back when Boba still trained with us, occasionally, we got stories about Mandalorians."
Her breath caught.
Seventeen continued, his eyes dropping to his hands as he spoke, "My favourite story was about a woman who saved her clan by voyaging past the Outer Rim, journeying to find a home or a living for her aliit. Past the mapping of stars, she encountered many strange peoples, learned of forgotten mysticisms and brought back with her many tales of fantastical creatures. At the end of her quest, she had found no planet nor moon to call her own for her family to settle on. Instead, she learned how to survive, how to depend on her wits and her strength. She found work where there was a need, and in turn, she had her own needs, the needs her aliit, met."
Seventeen looked up, his dark gaze unwavering now, "Her name —your name is Odessa, the voyager who led her aliit to a new way of life."
She blinked back tears, then stopped fighting them and threw herself across the space between them.
Seventeen's large arms wrapped around her, catching her in an embrace.
She held him tight, knowing this was likely one of the only hugs he had ever allowed himself.
She pulled back just far enough to look up into his scarred face. She searched his expression and reached out with the Force. He was still hurting, but if he was broken then they still had all the pieces for him to put himself back together.
She touched his face, his black hair greyed around the temples.
"We are more than soldiers, Ori'vod, we are survivors, and that is a burden we carry together."
Seventeen dropped his forehead to hers in a warrior's kiss, "Vor entye, Odessa."
Odessa wrapped the Force around them all, taking their pain and releasing it so only the light remained.
It still hurt, they were still hurting, but where there had been despair, there was now resolve to live for something better.
Ner cyare - My beloved. Aliit - Family. Ori'vod - Older brother. Vor entye - Thank you/I accept a debt.
AN: Thoughts, reef sharks, or feedback, pretty please?
