The night was hard to get through. Aside Hector being sick, he had a lot of PTSD attacks that Tallon had to help him through. They weren't bad in the sense he threatened to hurt or kill himself, just that he'd be tossing and turning-crying once he was awake and then a few times he also started throwing up again. It was a very long night and Tallon did his best to soothe his husband but it would be a long while before Hector was okay again. PTSD on top of depression and being sick wasn't a good combination. He was miserable from the attacks, then cried because of them and that only made him sicker and Tallon was ready to take him to the hospital to do something about the throwing up. There were times in the middle of the night that Hector threw up for close to ten minutes straight and added to that he knew his husband hadn't eaten a lot because of being sick-but around 4am, the throwing up stopped and so did his stomach pain, the fever dropped again after Tallon got him some fever and pain reducer. After that, Hector was able to get some sleep without being sick and the attacked seemed to lighten up as long he was in Tallon's arms the whole time. Tallon didn't fall asleep again for another half hour, he wanted to make sure Hector was okay.
The next morning came fast with Hector up before Tallon was. Hector crawled out of his arms slowly so not to wake him and then he made his made his way to the bathroom first, when he finished in there he whipped something up for breakfast while making a pot of coffee. Hector felt a little better this morning-he did sleep from about 4am to 9am and that was added to the few hours he got before waking up in the middle of the night due to attacks or sickness. He made eggs, toast, sausage patties and two pieces of bacon each for them. Hector was working on finishing up the toast and bacon when Tallon made his way out of the bedroom and rubbed his eyes before spotting Hector standing at the stove.
"Love, what are you doing?" Tallon asked gently.
"Well, I got up about half an hour ago and was hungry so I made us breakfast..." Hector smiled a bit.
"I would have cooked for you if you woke me up silly. How do you feel this morning?" Tallon kissed his cheek, he noticed right away the fever was gone which was a relief.
"Still a little icky but at least I can move without wanting to throw up or be in pain like the last few days, managed to hold down the coffee." Hector shrugged a bit as he took the tongs and flipped the bacon over to cook the other side for a minute or two.
"That's good to hear and your fever seems to of finally broke, I was getting ready to take you to the hospital with all that throwing up last night." Tallon informed him lightly and he hugged him and then went to the bathroom. After a minute he exited to see that Hector placed their plates and drinks down at the small four person dining room table-it could extend to fit up to twelve but they kept it small for the sake of space. Tallon smiled and sat down across from Hector as the two began to eat slowly-enjoying the quiet breakfast. "How do your arms feel today, the rash gone?" Tallon inquired.
"I...haven't really looked but the itching stopped so safe to assume I was having a reaction..." Hector sighed a bit.
"What's on your mind?" Tallon asked.
"A lot of things I guess...I really...didn't mean for yesterday to happen, I just...got so overwhelmed with everything," Hector looked down after setting his fork aside.
"Well, talk to me. babe. I agreed to keep you out of the mental hospital because you said you wanted my help...I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on," Tallon offered softly.
"It was just everything coming down or coming back at once. The fight with my father-that was the start of it all. Knowing he'd never just...accept me, or be happy for me. Knowing that no matter what I did, it was never enough or that it'd never be right...it just hurt so much. Like I wasn't even surprised he did it-I figured tell him I resigned or that we got married would set him off. And I could have overlooked it all, if he hadn't said the killing myself comment. That's what I couldn't let go of, what I can't forgive." Hector stated while taking a bit of his eggs.
"No one could overlook something like that, Love. It was rude, uncalled for, and very hurtful. I knew that was something that had to of hurt you-I knew that from the moment you told me. What pissed me off was that and him hitting you again. So what brought on the rest? I saw the notebook," Tallon asked.
"Well since I started feeling like shit that night, the last week I've been sick have been awful. It always happened after I went to sleep. Flashbacks from war, losing friends, Cody, Drake, Sean...the last words Cody ever said to me, all that started coming back. I'd wake up in cold sweats and scared because I'd hear my father's voice telling me that no matter what I do, I'll never be strong enough to save them. It's like my mind showing me the worst things it can and what sucked the most was that I wanted to tell you everything but I was just so sick that I could barely stay awake or move without throwing up. I felt so weak, Tal..." Hector sighed.
"You've been sick for seven days straight, you were very ill, Hector. That wasn't something in your control. So your father always being unsupportive and uncaring, the neglect from years past had an effect on your memories from war. Where you feel like you could have done more but you know in your heart that you couldn't have. Is that about right?" Tallon asked.
"Something like that. It just kept going and going, it never stopped. Yesterday, I went to take a bath to try and get my stomach to stop hurting. I got my notebook because I had...lyric ideas. You know music is my outlet and I felt relaxed in the tub so I'd give it a shot, see if I could get my drive back to play. It was fine for a while but then, other thoughts came to mind and I guess...I subconsciously wrote them down as the flashbacks and words kept playing over and over again...the bath wasn't helping after a while and my wrist slipped. After I saw it...I just...it made me forget everything. I didn't...want to cut myself but...something just...took over and I did. It was like my body shut itself down there and refused to move. I wanted to get out, I wanted to get my phone and call for help but I was...just so tired and I guess blacked out until you found me..." Hector explained.
"It was subconscious as you said. You knew you didn't want to hurt yourself but your mind and body felt relief from all the stress and thoughts after you got hurt. When the body feels relief like that, I guess you could say you become clouded. The warm water relaxed your body and the cutting-although accidental-temporarily relieved your mind too. Subconsciously, you liked how that felt and being the unclear mind, you cut again, and again to keep the feeling going but in that also you bled too much and if forced you to black out." Tallon explained.
"I guess that makes sense...I never wanted to cut, Tal. I swear I didn't...I wanted to get out and get my phone, I just..." Hector closed his eyes tightly.
"Ssh, don't beat yourself up. It was an accident, I know you didn't mean to. But you did babe, and we have to address these issues so it doesn't pile up again. That's why I said yesterday not to hold anything back. I don't care if it's 3am and you had a nightmare, I want you to wake me up and tell me about it. The longer you let it sit, the worse it will be and this will happen again because you'll want anything to take the edge off. Your mind will subconsciously go for cutting again, a way to stop the pain. If you talk about it, you get it off your chest and make it a little easier," Tallon said reaching his hand over to place on Hector's.
"I won't...hold anything back, I promise...I don't want to...feel this way anymore. Lost, afraid, angry, upset...I just want to be me again but I feel like how I used too. Where being me only gets me hurt," Hector sighed.
"Being you will help. You can't afraid to be who you are, Hector. There will always be people in this world who don't like something about somebody else. But that's the beauty in it too. They don't have to like it, or accept it because you are still you. Just because they don't appreciate, like, or accept it doesn't mean you have to change who you are or try to be something you know you're not. Be you, Hector. The people who love you will always stand with you and those who don't can just suffer on their own time. It's just like you said to the guys on your eighteenth birthday. Why'd they have to make you miserable just because they hate their own lives?" Tallon reminded.
"I never really thought about it that way," Hector replied now.
"What I'm saying, babe, is that you can't let it get to you. There will always be haters in this world, and their misery is their problem. Not yours. If you want to be happy, then be happy. Perfect example, you wanted to change your life six years ago-so what did you do?" Tallon asked.
"I...joined the military," Hector replied.
"Right. And when your father told you to come, what did you tell him?" Tallon smiled.
"I told him no because it was what I wanted to do," Hector answered looking at him now.
"When we got engaged and married, did you care what anyone would say about it?" Hector shook his head, "Because it's what you wanted, what we wanted. Don't you see it, baby? Everything in your life, is your choice. You want to be happy, be happy. Don't let others get in your way. So your dad wants to be an unsupportive, abusive son of a bitch. Let him. I know it hurts you but just think of it this way-you're doing what you want to do and as long as you're happy than what he wants doesn't matter. It's what you want. So what do you want?" Tallon asked.
"I want to be happy," Hector said.
"Then be happy. Get rid of what doesn't make you happy, and then all that is left is happiness. You can't control what happened on our tours, Hector. It's just how things went and one thing I was always taught is that everything that happens, happens for a reason. So maybe everything you've gone through had to happen for you to be where you are now. I know those things hurt you, I know your dad hurt you but you have to remember that you are only human and you can't change others, and you are not invincible." Tallon smiled at him. Hector smiled now as he got up and walked over to Tallon-hugging him tightly.
"Thank you. I always used to do that. Just ignore others and worry about me and what I wanted-Hell, I used to say the same thing: I don't do what I do to please others. I guess I just lost sight of that when everything was going on and being sick didn't help either. So thank you for reminding me, baby." Hector said to him. Tallon smiled next as he hugged Hector back.
"You're welcome. Remember, you can always count on me to have your back and remind you who you really are. I'm more than your best friend, I'm also your husband. I will always protect you from danger, people, and even yourself if I have too. You will never fall with me beside you," Tallon replied as he leaned in and kissed his husband deeply then pulled back and lifted his chin a bit, "And Hector..."
"Yeah?" Hector asked softly.
"You're worth it and your life is worth living. If nothing else, I will always need you in mine even if no one else wants you in theirs." Tallon told him.
"I needed to hear that, Tallon. I owe you so much for all you've done for me since we met and I love you more than anything else," Hector told him as tears formed in his eyes but Tallon wiped them away.
"No more crying now, you're too beautiful for tears. my love." Tallon smiled to him. "I love you, Hector Furysen," he added. Hector and him stayed in their embrace for another minute or two before separating and moving back to their seats to finish their breakfast contently. "So what do you want to do today?"
"I kinda...want to invite the others over and tell them I'm sorry for yesterday...you said they were with you when you found me," Hector shrugged a bit.
"We can invite them over if you like. Pretty sure they all want to know if you're feeling better anyway," Tallon replied gently. "I was curious, Love. You don't get flashbacks during the day, do you?"
"Not often, no. Only if it's triggered by someone saying something, or hearing something that sounds similar to something from the wars. Gunshots, loud bangs, or names occasionally." Hector replied.
"That's all PTSD, Hec. You'll recover but you can't hold it in, okay? I mean it...anything at all you feel or start seeing, you tell me so I can help you," Tallon told him.
"I will, baby." Hector nodded to him as they finished their food then set all the dishes in the sink to clean later on. "I'm gonna go take a shower, you wanna text the others?" he asked now.
"I can do that. You gonna be okay in there, you got real hesitant last night," Tallon reminded.
"I'll be okay and if I need you, I'll yell or leave the door open a little. It's weird you said it was locked yesterday because I never locked it when I took the bath," Hector shrugged a bit.
"You didn't?" Tallon asked as Hector shook his head.
"No, matter of fact, I never even shut it all the way. I left it open for when you came home and inevitably wondered why I wasn't in bed or on the couch since I know you worry," Hector admitted.
"Strange. I'll look at it after, maybe it needs to be replaced?" Tallon suggested.
"Maybe, be out in ten or so." Hector kissed his cheek as he headed to the bathroom and then about five minutes later the shower started as Tallon pulled out his phone and group texted all the guys to invite them over if they could or wanted to-also that Hector was feeling a lot better. Tallon decided to clean up the kitchen from breakfast since Hector cooked for them. Tallon was glad Hector was feeling better in both the physical and emotional state of things but he also knew that there was a long way to go. Fifteen minutes later, Hector was out and getting dressed while Tallon took a shower after him. Hector left a note on the apartment door for the guys to just come in and make themselves comfortable since Tallon said he got a response that they'd be over soon. Hector unlocked the door so they could come in, then he went to his music room and started working on a few things-he finally had his drive back to write, play, and sing.
(Ten Minutes Later)
The guys and their girls arrived at the apartment and saw Hector's note of: 'Hey guys and girls if you're with them. Come on in, doors unlocked. Tal's showering and I'm in the music room. Make yourselves comfortable. -Hec.' on the screen door so then all walked inside-sure enough the shower was running so Tallon still had to be in there. They moved towards the music room and checked to make sure the light wasn't on before opening it slowly and walking inside to see Hector in the recording side with his laptop out and scrolling through a few things with his acoustic resting on his right knee while he sat there quietly. Evan flipped the switch Tallon had shown him and the other guys that would allow them to heard Hector if he started singing.
"He looks a lot better," Carmen mentioned softly sitting on Darius's lap.
"We had a long talk this morning, made him feel better." Tallon stated walking in now with a soft smile.
"I still don't understand why you didn't keep him admitted, there are other psych hospitals around Berk. He tried to kill himself, Tallon. You said yourself you felt like you weren't enough to help him..." Evan pointed out.
"He wasn't trying to kill himself," Tallon remarked as he sat at Hector's small desk where the desktop computer was.
"Not sure I'm following, we saw him lying unconscious near death with his wrists slit from the razor..." Viktor reminded.
"It's confusing. He did cut himself but it was a subconscious thing-meaning he didn't realize he'd done it." Tallon explained, they arched their brows at him. "Basically, he took the bath to help his stomachache. He was working on lyrics before the thoughts started again, not suicidal ones, just remembering the things from war and what Spencer said to him. It made him feel like he'd never be enough, that even joining the military didn't make him be enough to save the friends he'd made. His stomach started hurting again and his arm slipped over the razor. The cut going like this," he showed them with his own wrist and finger, "it was accidental. However...due to the relaxation of the bath alone, the cut distracted him from everything he was thinking. His mind reacted to it, meaning that cutting drove the pain and thoughts away, his mind was unclear as such, subconsciously he ended up cutting. His body was relaxed so he couldn't find the strength to get out and get his phone to call for help. Then he passed out from blood loss." Tallon continued.
"So he wasn't trying to kill himself, everything was in the mind and he didn't realize it happened until he couldn't stop it?" Reina asked.
"That's right. That's another reason I didn't keep him admitted, he doesn't want to kill himself-it just became overwhelming and as such, his mind reacted to an accidental cut as a way to cope. Then subconsciously to keep the thoughts away, he cut again. He wanted help all week long but was too sick with no energy, as such...he slept and that's where the mind has full control and it's a place we can't see unless he lets us in," Tallon nodded.
"Wow...so he's okay now?" Drew asked curiously.
"He's...coping and accepting, healing slowly but it will be awhile before we can say okay and good again. " Tallon replied with a soft smile. "I'll say this though, it's really good to see that smile back on his face," he added as he looked into the window and saw Hector smiling softly while strumming notes on his guitar and humming a bit. "We're just taking it slow, one day at a time."
