Deeks woke early from a troubled sleep with a hotchpotch of thoughts writhing in his head. The thoughts were random and contradictory. He felt reassured by the presence of Kensi beside him, but resented the intrusion into his personal space. He was angry at what had happened to him the previous day. The embarrassment and humiliation of learning what Brian did to him, at the same time as the team, still burned strongly. Yet he knew they were the people who saved him from a worse fate and he was grateful. He knew that they fought for his freedom. A homeless person could have been sucked into the system to face years in jail. His headache was still there, but he'd had worse. The effects of the drugs seemed to have passed but he felt it was still in his system. He felt no desire to try more. At some point he knew he had to open his eyes and face the day.
"Good morning sleepyhead" a gentle voice whispered in his ear "How do you feel this morning?"
Deeks really didn't know the answer, so he settled on "I'm fine"
They both knew it was a lie and Kensi let it go. She gave him a peck on the cheek before climbing out of bed. How she longed for more than a quick kiss, but she could feel Deeks tense if she got too close. Kensi had a quick shower before getting dressed, she remembered how Deeks had spent thirty minutes scrubbing himself all over, the night before.
Deeks was up and dressed before Kensi was ready to leave for work. He poured a coffee and sipped it slowly, deep in thought.
"Will you be okay here on your own? I'm sure Kilbride would let me stay"
"I'll be okay, I'm a big boy now. Before you ask, I don't need my mom here either" Deeks tried in vain to keep his tone light. "I have avoid stress so I plan to sit in the garden"
"Good idea. See you tonight. Love you" Kensi said as she headed for the door.
"Love you too. Be careful" Deeks replied. Then he was alone. He poured more coffee and went into the garden.
Kensi got home a little earlier than usual, to find the house spotless and alarmingly tidy.
"Honey, I'm home" she called, smiling at the cliché. She wondered how she would ever find anything again. Clearly Deeks hadn't spent the day resting. She was drawn to the kitchen by the smell of freshly brewed coffee. The kitchen sparkled and she found Deeks on his knees refilling the cupboard under the sink. He looked up "Hi, had a good day?"
"The usual, looks like you've been busy" Kensi was alarmed at what Deeks had done, but thought it better to say nothing more.
"Just tidied up a bit" Deeks paused before continuing "Whiting called" he said climbing to his feet and pouring two coffees.
"What did she want?" Kensi picked up a coffee.
Deeks swallowed half his coffee before answering "She just called to say O'Brien was being charged with manslaughter and Donnelly was being charged with obstruction of justice. Both were pleading guilty."
"So you won't have to testify?" Kensi looked pleased.
"No. It's all good. I guess it's okay to assault a federal investigator" Deeks replied in a matter of fact tone. He opened the refrigerator and looked inside.
"Baby, you have to let it go, it could have been so much worse" Kensi put her hand on Deeks' shoulder.
"I know" Deeks shrugged and reached into the refrigerator "Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes, okay?" He briefly glanced at Kensi, but didn't wait for an answer, just closed the door and started preparing the meal. Kensi grimaced at the realisation that she had misread the situation. All she wanted to do was help Deeks.
A few days later Deeks was cleared for desk duty. The team found him sitting in the bullpen meticulously working through a backlog of reports.
"Good to see you Deeks" Sam spoke first "Looking good, finally found a comb, I see"
"Good to be back" Deeks looked up at the team with an attempt at a smile but no attempt to make eye contact, then turned his attention back to his paperwork.
"Feeling lucky having to do paperwork?" Rowntree asked, trying to be friendly.
"Got to be done" Deeks didn't look up. Sam, Callen and Rowntree looked at each other, confused. This wasn't the Deeks they were used to.
"Who are you and what have you done with Deeks?" Sam asked with a chuckle, but no tact.
"Deeks is right here, anybody have a problem with that?" Deeks spoke quietly without looking up from his paperwork. He knew there was a problem and found it helped to keep busy. Keeping busy also kept him exhausted and in his tired state he found it impossible to process what had happened. Deeks knew he was taken at random because he looked scruffy so he had smartened up, become more serious. Curiously it didn't seem to please people. He was surprised nobody had questioned his situational awareness. Although he was thinking much clearer as the drugs left his system, there was still a lot that didn't make sense. His ordeal hadn't lasted more than a few hours. Apart from a concussion and some bruising he hadn't been hurt. He didn't even remember much of it. Yet he couldn't get over it, much as he tried to move on he couldn't. He was stuck. More than anything he longed to make love to Kensi, he knew she wanted it too. He just felt so dirty and couldn't bear the thought of somehow soiling Kensi if he did. He knew he could function and wasn't a danger to anyone, but he couldn't navigate his way through whatever it was he was feeling.
The following Monday morning, Kensi and Fatima were exercising in the gym.
"Do you think Deeks will be cleared to return to the field today? Fatima broke the silence.
"I hope so, he's seeing the doctor one last time, passed all his other tests."
"Why do I feel there's a 'but' coming?" Fatima turned to face Kensi.
"I don't know, he's not himself." Kensi paused and glanced round before continuing in a quiet voice "We haven't had sex since it happened. Deeks has never said no to sex the entire time we've been together, even if he's not been in the mood, he soon gets in the mood. Believe me, I've tried everything to get him in the mood"
"Perhaps it was the concussion" Fatima offered hopefully, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking.
"It didn't stop him last time, and it was a more serious concussion. It feels like I'm losing him. He doesn't laugh, doesn't joke, doesn't relax, he cleans the house every day. He's even had his hair trimmed and bought new clothes"
"Isn't that what you want, Deeks to smarten up?"
Kensi considered her answer "I thought I did, but I just want Deeks to be Deeks. I try to talk to him, to be positive. It seems to make things worse"
"Perhaps he needs somebody to listen to him"
"You might be right" Kensi stopped to think.
A few hours later, the team was pleased to see Deeks walk into the bullpen "Investigator Deeks reporting for field duty" he said as he put his bag on his desk. It took a few minutes for the team to take in Deeks' appearance. A smart pair of chinos and an open necked shirt had replaced his his usual jeans and T shirt.
Kilbride appeared, as if from nowhere. He nodded at Deeks "Good to see you back in harness Deeks. Perfect timing, LAPD has asked for our help. Hostage situation downtown"
"On it" Deeks said as the team headed to the door.
Callen held him back "Are you sure you are ready for this?"
"Are you saying you don't want me?" Deeks turned to face Callen''.
"No, not at all" Callen was surprised at Deeks reaction, but ignored it. Clearly Deeks felt he was ready for action.
The team arrived at the roof top location to find a young sailor holding a police officer hostage at gunpoint. Deeks didn't hesitate, "I've got this" he said as he showed his ID at the police cordon. He plastered a smile on his face and strolled towards the sailor "Hey buddy," he said in a quiet voice as he approached. Nobody could hear the conversation, but Deeks stood talking to the sailor for almost an hour before the police officer was released unhurt.
"Since when was Deeks a trained negotiator?" said Sam as he watched from a distance.
"He's not, but he's doing okay." Kensi was proud of her husband. Deeks and the sailor talked a while longer before the police took the sailor into custody.
When the op was over the team regrouped in the bullpen.
"Great job Deeks" Sam beamed.
"Just doing what I'm paid for"
"You went over and above this time" Callen continued "What do you say, drinks on me."
"Thank you but no. I want to get this report done first" Deeks opened his laptop.
"Since when?" Sam and Callen chorused looking at each other in confusion.
"The report won't write itself" Deeks turned his attention to his laptop, leaving Sam and Callen open mouthed.
"Deeks, the report can wait" Kilbride strode into the bullpen "Perhaps you could join me in my office". Deeks looked exasperated, closed his laptop and followed his boss.
Kilbride closed the door behind Deeks, put two coffees on the desk, and the two men sat face to face.
"Am I in trouble?" Deeks broke the silence.
"More than people realise" Kilbride took a sip of his coffee.
"I thought I did okay out there today" Deeks was confused.
"Oh, you did more than okay" Kilbride paused for a few moments before continuing. "You grew up without a father didn't you?"
"I don't know what that's got to do with anything, but yes. To be honest it was better without him"
"I'm afraid my son thinks the same"
"Sir ?" Deeks was confused.
"I don't know if you need a father/son talk or just man to man, but you need help. Believe it or not I'm worried about you Deeks. I'm here to help."
"I doing my job okay, aren't I?" replied testily.
"I'm not talking about your work Deeks, I'm talking about you. It pains me to say this, I always hoped you would stop the stupid remarks and smarten yourself up." Kilbride spoke quietly.
"But I have!" Deeks was indignant.
"That's the problem Deeks, it's not you. You had a traumatic experience and it knocked you for six. I don't know if it's PTSD, OCD or Alphabet soup"
"I've had worse"
"In the line of duty maybe. This was random. Deeks, you were abducted, drugged and sexually assaulted. For God's sake man! You were violated!" Kilbride leaned forward and continued in a quiet voice "You can't just carry on as if nothing happened. I've read your file Deeks. You've got a lot of baggage, you don't have room in your locker for any more. I think you need to talk to somebody to work through this. Nate Getz is in town you could talk to him but if I were you I think I might prefer a stranger."
Deeks was silent for a moment "You have somebody in mind?"
"As it happens I do" Kilbride smiled and opened a drawer in his desk. He reached in and pulled out a business card "This guy has helped me once or twice. I happen to know he is available tomorrow morning, give him a call" He handed the business card to Deeks.
"Thank you, I might just do that" Deeks voice was hoarse with emotion and surprise.
Kensi was pacing the bullpen when Deeks come down the stairs "Deeks are you okay?"
Deeks attempted a smile, "No, no I'm not" he looked at the card Kilbride had given him "but I will be".
