Chapter 7:
I couldn't get the images of the women out of my head. The disgust and pity and sorrow... all of it. Nothing would leave me be for even a moment, no matter what I tried.
Reading, watching various shows and movies, playing little mobile games on my datapad. I even tried meditating. The thoughts- memories- just kept assaulting me. I couldn't get away from them. Out of everything I'd seen since waking up, that was, by far, the worst of it.
"EDI, how soundproof are these walls?" I asked, scrolling through playlists- a last ditch effort.
I wanted to listen to music. Loud music. See if that could shut my brain off for a bit.
"No one would be able to hear you through the door." She responded.
"Thanks, EDI. You're the best."
"Do not let Mr. Moreau hear that." She joked.
I chuckled. "Definitely not."
With that, I put on a playlist titled Emo Songs of the Early 2000s. It was old, sure, but I liked the names of the songs. Whether or not I'd like the actual music was another story altogether. Guess I'd find out soon.
...
I was rocking out to Sugar We're Goin Down by Fall Out Boy, when the song ended and changed to I'm With You, by Avril Lavigne. Really putting my all into it, I sang along to the words on my omni-tool, dancing to the beat.
The next song really got me- I'm Not Okay, but My Chemical Romance. I loved it. It changed to Bring Me To Life, by Evanescence, and I was halfway through it, when I realized I wasn't alone in the room.
My eyes widened when I saw Garrus standing by the door, watching me. I immediately paused the music, my cheeks burning from embarrassment. I felt like I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. This definitely didn't feel like something the me before would've done.
"Uh." Was all I could say.
He motioned to the door. "EDI let me in."
"I figured." I cleared my throat. "Uh. What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to talk about Sidonis."
I gestured toward the sitting area, taking a seat myself. "I'm all ears."
"I... took some time and thought about things. You were right to stop me." He sighed, leaning against the back of the couch. "I was blinded by my own vengeance and suffering. I didn't stop to think that he might be, as well. Suffering, I mean. It really would've been a kindness to kill him, and I think he should live with what he did." Softer, now. "Killing him wouldn't bring back the others."
I regarded him in silence for a bit. "You know... For what it's worth, I think you're very strong." He blinked, surprised. "You can admit when things might need to be different from your desires. Not a lot of people can say they're capable of that. Putting aside your wants, considering outcomes presented by outside parties- those are good things to be able to do. They speak to your strength and understanding of yourself and others. Your ability to bend, rather than break."
His eyes roamed my face, searching for something. After audibly swallowing, he leaned forward, gaze holding mine.
"I know you're Shepard, because you passed the scan at the Citadel, and clones' DNA is slightly altered. But I don't know you." A shake of his head. "You're not the Shepard I knew. There are glimpses of her, but... not enough to get rid of my doubt."
"Can I trust Chakwas?" I asked, out of the blue for him.
To his credit, he nodded, not questioning it. "Yes."
"Can I trust you?" My voice was softer, now.
He thought about it for a bit, before slowly nodding. "Yes. You can trust me."
Standing, I motioned toward the door. "Let's go talk to Chakwas."
Before telling EDI that whatever was said in the medical bay was not to get back to Cerberus, at all. Period. She agreed.
The short trip was done in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I stepped into the med bay, the doors sealing and locking behind us, curtesy of EDI. No one would be able to interrupt us.
"Chakwas, I need your help." I stated.
...
She came over with a serious look on her face. "There are very clear signs of trauma to your brain. I shouldn't be surprised, considering what happened to you, but I am surprised that Cerberus didn't catch it."
"Can I see?" My heart was in my throat.
"Yes."
She led me to her computer, and I pulled up my last scan on my datapad, holding it up for comparison. Yeah. The one taken today had definitely seen better days.
I blew out a breath. "Well. At least now I know." Quietly. "It isn't my fault."
"Are you going to tell us why you wanted the scan?" She asked.
"I woke up at the Cerberus facility without any memory of who I am." I started, sighing. "It's been a 'fake it til you make it' kind of thing. I know that the me before was... not the nicest person to be around, but I just can't bring myself to be that person all the time. There have been situations where it comes out, like a reflex, but I can't do it all the time."
"You lied to everyone." Garrus pointed out.
"I didn't know what to do. Miranda and Jacob think I'm the person that will get all of this solved. So does the Illusive Man. I've just been trying to keep my head above water and not drown under the weight of it all. Waking up without any memory and then being told I'm expected to be some kind of savior... That's... a lot to handle. I hadn't even learned my first name yet, and that was thrust upon me." My eyes started to burn, and I knew it wouldn't be long before I started crying.
I needed to get back to my room.
Backing up toward the door, I waved my hands in front of me. "I should get out of your hair. Thanks, Chakwas. I appreciate it. Can I have a copy?"
Without waiting for a response, I fled the room, returning to my own. Curling up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of wine, I let out a sigh. I shouldn't have unloaded on them like that. It wasn't like they could do anything about it, so why bother them with my problems? I really shouldn't have done that.
"Alessia, Garrus wishes to speak with you." EDI announced.
"Thanks, but no." I groaned, taking a big gulp of my drink. "I'm not in any mood to entertain guests."
What did she do? She opened the fucking door for him.
"I'll remember this, EDI." I grumbled as he walked in.
He approached, waiting until he could see me before opening his mouth.
I cut him off. "If I had it my way, you wouldn't be in here." I told him honestly. "I'm in no mood for people right now."
Sitting on the other side of the u-bend, he leaned forward, elbows on knees. "I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry. I never thought to consider what you might be going through- I was only thinking about how you weren't the same."
I waved it off, taking a sip. "You're fine. It's not your fault this happened. But I don't want anyone else knowing."
He hesitated. "Liara was concerned about you being different, too."
My eyes narrowed. "I knew it. I knew you were going to talk to her about me."
"I hadn't realized you saw that." At least he looked guilty.
I shook my head. "I'd tried to convince myself that it wasn't true. That I was being conceited, but turns out I'm not. Thanks."
I poured myself another glass.
"Alessia, I'm sorry." He said again, his eyes sad. "I can't imagine how hard it was on you. Knowing that there were people- people close to you- that had known the past version of you, and being unable to match our memories of you." A shake of his head. "You've been so kind to me- I want to extend that back to you. Anything you need, just let me know."
After draining my cup, I regarded him, my eyes roaming his face. I filled my glass again, gesturing toward him.
"What was I like?"
He tilted his head thoughtfully. "You did a lot of things that a lot of people would consider bad." He started, and my stomach dropped. I took a fortifying gulp of wine. "There's a fan of yours, Conrad Verner. Well, you antagonized him and waved a gun in his face, to snap him out of his desire to be a Spectre." I blinked. "You killed an asari scientist on Virmire. Just shot her dead. You also killed a batarian, Balak, but in the process, you sacrificed human lives. Also on Virmire, you let an entire scouting party of salarians die, along with Ashley Williams- a woman serving under you."
My brain short-circuited- there were no thoughts to be found. I just stared blankly at him.
He rushed to add. "But you weren't all bad! You helped a guy get the body of his wife, so they could do a proper burial. You could have just let the Alliance experiment on her. I should follow that up with the fact that a weapon we hadn't seen before was used on her- that's why they wanted to study her body. Let's see... You helped a reporter twice- Emily Wong. First time was to get information on Fist, a small-time crime boss. The second time, was to help her fix how the air traffic control was being run. You also convinced Wrex, a krogan, to stand down so you wouldn't have to kill him. He also worked under you. You arrested Major Kyle- which was a trial. He was a fanatic, convinced he was the savior of his group of biotics. You ended that confrontation without spilling any blood. You convinced Helen, a crime boss, to give up her life of crime. I heard of her on Omega- she's a social worker there, now. Helps people. You gave Tali, our quarian friend, data on the geth for her Pilgrimage. You saved Zhu's Hope- which is a little colony on Feros. They were dealing with a mind-controlling plant, and it took control of the people, but you insisted we not kill them. Just knock them out. On Virmire, you saved Kaidan. He worked under you, too. You helped Gianna, an undercover cop, basically, arrest the salarian administrator on Noveria. You also released the last known rachni, where as others wouldn't have. I, personally, didn't see the benefit of releasing her. You also saved the Council, when you could have just let them die. And you chose Anderson for the Council position. The Council listened and acted on it." A pause. "You've done a lot of good."
"Thank you." I murmured, running my finger around the rim of my glass. "For telling me."
"Of course."
There was a beat of silence, where I finished my drink, pouring another.
"How much have you had to drink?" He asked.
"I'm... not sure."
"This is her fourth glass." EDI supplied.
I frowned. That many? "Why?"
"You should probably slow down." He reached forward, and I moved my drink out of his way, my eyes narrowing again. "Alessia." He sounded exasperated.
"I'm fine." My words weren't even slurred yet. Why did I have to stop?
"You're going to have a hangover. Will you be able to go on a mission in that state?" He sounded doubtful.
"That's a problem for later." I waved away his words.
"Alessia-"
Maintaining eye contact, I swallowed down my entire drink, raising an eyebrow once I'd finished.
"You-"
"I just learned that for the past ten years, nearly two dozen women were used as sex slaves." I frowned, sickened by the reminder I'd given myself. "Let me drink in peace."
He snatched the bottle before I could pick it up again, holding it out of my reach.
"Garrus, I swear to god-"
"You'll what?" He asked.
"I'll tell you what I really think of you." I threatened.
"Oh, yeah?" Curiosity filled his voice. "And what's that?"
I flailed as I tried again to get the bottle from him, before growling out. "I think you're a pest. And a nuisance." He chuckled, moving it farther away. "And I think you're hot." That caught him by surprise. "I don't know if old me thought so, too, and I don't care. I think you're the most attractive person I've seen yet." It was getting hard to think straight. Maybe I was drunker than I'd originally thought. "You've been nice to me, even though it was crystal clear I wasn't the same person you knew. You're a good person, and that makes you even more attractive." To my own ears, I knew I was slurring my words, now. "I thought you were hot the first time I saw your face, when I was going through the dossiers for my past team. The scar only makes you look better, in my opinion. So, I hope you're not self-conscious abou-"
...
I was pulled from my sleep by the need to go to the bathroom. Rolling over, I glanced at the time. It was almost noon. I'd slept a long time. A noise drew my attention toward the couch and, to my surprise, I saw Garrus sitting there, on his datapad. He must have shifted his position- that was probably what I'd heard.
"Morning." I greeted as I sat up.
He looked over at me. "How are you feeling?"
I thought about it for a moment. "I feel fine."
"That's probably because I made you drink a lot of water." I was about to thank him, but he continued. "We're at the Citadel, by the way. Miranda wanted to be far away from the planet before the Alliance arrived, and you were in no state to give orders, so I told EDI to head to the Citadel. I hope that's okay."
"Yeah. Definitely. No worries." I rubbed the back of my neck, before remembering why I'd woken up to begin with, and walked across the room to the bathroom.
When I came back out, I found he was still in the same spot.
"Were you... Were you here all night?" I asked.
A nod. "Yeah. I slept on the couch."
"I am so sorry." I bit my lip. "You should've gone back to your own-"
"I sleep on a cot. This couch is much more comfortable, trust me."
I hesitated but decided to let it go.
"How much of last night do you remember?" He asked, setting aside his datapad.
I sat, curling up with my knees to my chest, thinking about it. It was all just a haze. I couldn't pull anything from the jumble.
Shaking my head, I answered honestly. "Not much. I remember you coming in and talking to me, telling me about my past, but after that, it's a blur."
For a split second, he looked disappointed, and I wondered what had happened that I didn't remember. It made me frown.
"I shouldn't be surprised." He chuckled. "Maybe don't drink so much." A teasing warning.
"Yeah, I have no plans on that anytime soon." My frown deepened. "I have enough problems with my memory- I don't need to add to it unnecessarily." A pause. "What... ah, what happened last night?"
"I honestly don't think you'd believe me, if I told you." He sounded helpless.
"That only makes me more curious." I tilted my head, wondering if it was bad.
How had I messed up, this time?
Reluctantly, he relayed what I'd said, and how I'd fallen asleep mid-sentence. My face was hot as I listened. Part of me didn't want to believe him, but... it tracked. That's really how I felt, deep inside.
"I may never drink again." I said, looking away from him.
My face only got hotter the more I thought about it.
"I am beyond sorry for that. I... I don't know what to say. Other than that I'm sorry, and I hope to never put you in such an awkward position ever again."
There was a stretch of silence. He didn't speak until after I'd peeked at him.
"I, ah, didn't mind it." After a moment, his eyes widened, and he waved his hands in front of him. "I cared that you were drunk, when you said it, but I didn't mind what you said."
I blinked, his words not sinking in, at first. He... hadn't minded? Did that mean...?
I swallowed hard. "You... ah... You really didn't mind?"
He shook his head, ducking to meet my eyes. "No. I didn't mind."
"I don't know what to do now." I admitted.
Moving closer, he raised a hand and touched my cheek. Slowly, he leaned in and-
"Miranda wishes to speak with you." EDI said, making us jump in surprise.
"Damn." I muttered. "Let her-"
His other hand moved to the back of my head, and he guided me to him, his mouth descending on mine.
