Narzhan, my light, my soul,
I know it will take time for you to forgive me. This has been the first secret I have kept from you, and I am sure you must see it as a betrayal. Please do not let that ruin the time I want to give you with Erasyl and Nazgul. They are your family– closer in blood than even your father and brother as I hope you'll soon see. I can only guide you so far in this life, but they will show you the rest– the joys and power of the man I know you will grow to be.
I will miss you, my darling. I hope you do not think this separation comes easily. I gave you the soul from my name, just as I gave a part of my soul to have you breathing in this world. You are the most precious gift I have ever received, so parting from you now will be a burden to carry. Please do not try to comfort me– send no letters or contacts from where you are. I cannot predict the rage that this will urge from your father, so to ensure your safety and my own I would ask that all I know of you is that you are safely on your way to becoming a man.
I will comfort myself with visions of your return, the joy I will feel when I see my son whole, complete, and full of confidence in his rights. No matter the whispers, the cruelty of this world, I have always known that you are more than the rest of us. This is not a curse, only a blessing, and Erasyl and Nazgul will show you the way. Each day, I will pray for your safe return.
Soul cleared the tears with the back of his hand, but they refused to abate as the writing brought a clear echo of his mother's voice in his mind. You were gonna send me to my uncle and grandma… He'd only met Erasyl twice, but he had been a boisterous, cheerful man the single time they had an opportunity to talk. Looming in height, Erasyl should have been intimidating, but the humor that always suffused his voice ruined any fear he could have created. Nazgul had been a mystery, hidden away in the old country, but both children had spoken of her with undying love.
The fantasy couldn't help but come to his mind– at ten being sent away from this place, never knowing the death of his mother or the annihilation of love for his father and brother. Instead, he would have been happy, bolstered by the laughter of his uncle. He would have grown strong, guided by the tutelage of his grandmother. All of this darkness– all of this hatred could have been swallowed up by the care and comfort of family.
Now… Now she was dead, and so was that dream.
He shut his eyes over one more wave of tears before looking through the blur at the book. I can't go back. I can't make time turn back and give me the life you wanted for me. Pages turned, exposing image after image of weapons, of family. While the agony of it all was still dwelling in his heart, Soul steadied himself as he pressed the letter to his chest. I can't do that, but I can try to change it now, Momma. I can't have Erasyl or Nazgul, but maybe… maybe I have somethin'– someone else now. If I try.
