The title is a lyric from "No Face" by Haley Heynderickx. I think it goes pretty well with this fic (and it's also just an amazing song), so you should totally go listen to it. This came out much fluffier than I intended, and I hope you guys enjoy all the soft shit I came up with :)
On Zygerria, Ahsoka had been utterly alone.
For any other species, the kind of isolation she faced would have already been unbearable, but for a Togruta like her it was a cruel, slow torture, designed specifically to break her down day by day.
The Zygerrians had to have known this. Had to have known that since the creation of their kind, the Togruta had been a pack species, bound together by the companionship of their tribes. They lived every moment of their nomadic lives together, clinging onto each other for survival while they hunted in the vast plains of Shili.
Galactic historians said that a healed femur was evidence of a strong society, of a people who cared enough to take the time to heal each other, and that theory had originated from an archeological dig on Shili. The society that had laid the foundation of their lives upon the community they'd built together.
The need to be around others was a primal instinct woven carefully into Ahsoka's DNA, just as much a part of herself as the midichlorians in her bloodstream. She'd always gotten uneasy when left alone for too long, much more than her mainly human counterparts ever did, but this- this was different.
The long days and nights she spent dangling in a cage over the city were jagged, blood soaked claws piercing into the very fabric of her nature and mindlessly tearing it into pieces like a starving rabid dog.
In a twisted way, she almost felt relieved when Atai would show up now and again to taunt her with his vile lechery. He was at least another living, breathing life form that she could sense clearly in the force. Just his presence- no matter how unsettling- filled the empty chasm that threatened to consume her.
However, that brief moment of solace would vanish the instant he opened his mouth and laid upon her the most violent, disgusting desires she'd ever heard.
And then he'd leave.
And then she'd be alone again, left to mull over the deep wounds his words inflicted on her. When that became too much, she'd imagine how it would feel when she was back home. Even though the scenarios were fake, they gave her an anchor to hold onto, a promise to herself that it would get better and that all hope wasn't lost.
She could practically feel the warm cotton cloak Anakin would drape over her when it was all over. He would know that for weeks she'd had nothing to shield her body from the scorching hot sun and prying eyes, so he'd be the one to give her the protection she needed.
He would smooth out the wrinkles in the fabric over her shoulders before pulling her into a long awaited embrace, kissing her forehead. "You're okay, Snips." He'd whisper as he held her close. "I've got you. No one can hurt you now."
He wouldn't mind when she'd desperately cling to him like a life preserver in a choppy sea, wouldn't tell her to go away when she'd stick extra close to his side for days. He'd just hold her hand tight and invite her to sleep on the extra cot in his room just so that she wouldn't have to be all by herself again.
But it was nothing like that.
When the torture was over and Master Plo came to extract them and what was left of the colonists, no one paid her any attention.
The only thing Anakin gave her was a quick look over in the hangar and an impatient, "If you need to see Kix, do it fast. The med-bay's filling up quickly with people who are hurt worse," before he bounded off to the stretcher Obi-Wan was being pulled in on.
Ahsoka told herself it was okay, that everyone was just busy, but even after the first hectic day of returning the injured colonists back to their home planet, she was still being ignored.
She knew it wasn't really anyone's fault- Obi-Wan and Rex were still in the med-bay, Master Plo was handling all the paperwork needed for the relief team he was sending to Kiros, the wolf pack were preparing for their next mission, and Anakin had locked himself in his quarters, isolating himself from the rest of the ship. Ahsoka couldn't say she blamed him. He had every right to want to be alone after all his old wounds had been reopened.
So without anyone to turn to, Ahsoka spent the whole flight back to the temple in her dirty clothes, laying limply in bed as depression blurred the two and a half days into one long, sluggish drag.
She kept waiting for someone to come check on her, someone to pull her up out of bed and help her get back on track, but no one ever came.
She had to pull herself up when they touched down on Coruscant and walk back to her room at the Temple where there was no one there to greet her.
It was nearly midnight when Ahsoka dragged herself to Master Plo's quarters.
She didn't really know what day it was, or how long she'd been back on Coruscant, but she knew that she couldn't sleep or bear to be alone anymore.
So dawning her blanket-cape and fuzzy socks, she knocked on his door, hoping he'd be awake.
To her surprise, there were a few shuffling noises and the sound of a dresser drawer closing, and then her old friend was standing in the open doorway, looking tired. "Greetings, Little 'Soka. What brings you here?" He asked, drowsily rubbing his hand down the side of his face.
She realized she didn't really have a reason- not one that wouldn't require her to open up more than she wanted to- so she just shrugged. "I wanted some company I guess."
He stood there studying her for a second, then the lines around his face softened and he gestured inside. "Well, would you like to help me water my plants?"
He asked her this every time she came to visit. For as long as Ahsoka could remember, he'd kept a delightful assortment of house plants in his quarters at the temple, embellishing the room in bright, peaceful colors. Each plant came from a different planet he'd visited over the years, so they were all unique from one another.
One plant from an artisan colony would have a ceramic pot painted delicately in muted reds and golds, and another from an ice world would be planted in a larger steel pot complete with a temperature control panel. Some of the leaves on one side of his room would be an earthy green while the leaves on the other side would be glowing a brilliant shade of purple. They all reflected where they had come from and how the people on each planet lived, turning Plo's room into a conduit of which many cultures came together to live as one.
Plo liked the feeling of life flowing through the room, as he claimed it helped him meditate, and with his nurturing ways he couldn't help but want to take care of something. It was a daily routine for him to cycle around the room, giving water to the plants that needed it the most first and ending with the ones that needed it the least.
She'd seen him do it so many times that she didn't even need to think about it as she silently slipped through the doorway and grabbed his green watering can, beginning the process herself.
Plo followed her inside, opting to sit on the meditation cushion in the center of the room while she worked. "You might want to give them a little extra water. I didn't have someone take care of them while I was away."
"Okay." Ahsoka said quietly, trying not to think about the plant she owned in her own quarters that was likely dead by now. If she hadn't been rescued from Zygerria and they came to take her things, what would have happened to it?
Would they have given it to Barriss or another one of her friends so they could try to resuscitate it, or would they had just thrown it out, not knowing it was a gift from Master Plo?
How long would it take for them to announce her missing in action? How long would she had to have been gone, likely a slave to Atai Molec, before they gave up on sending out rescue missions for her?
She knew at some point they'd stop looking, no matter what she'd done for them. It happened to Khalifa and the other younglings back on Felucia, and that was long before the war. Now the Order was even busier, without Jedi to spare on lost causes like her.
"What's on your mind?" Plo asked, pulling her out of her spiraling thoughts.
She looked back to the plant she was watering, brushing her hand along the course, orange leaves and swallowing hard. "I was wondering what would have happened if we didn't make it out." She said truthfully, voice wavering.
"You would have always made it. You're very strong."
Ahsoka sucked in a long breath, "I'm not so sure of that anymore. I couldn't even save myself on Zygerria."
There was a beat of silence between them, Plo's eyebrows furrowed in concern. He'd never heard her speak so down about herself before.
"Come here" he said, patting the spot on the cushion next to him. "Come sit."
She set down the watering can and settled in next to him, her legs dangling off the cushion. Usually in the Temple she'd sit in a meditative position with her feet tucked under her thighs and her hands folded in her lap, but she was too tired to care about formality.
The only thing that mattered was Plo's arm tucking her comfortably into his side as he projected waves of peace into the Force.
"You must remember that it was you who saved your people. If you hadn't thought to move the ship under the processing facility, none of the colonists would be here today. I am truly sorry that you suffered, Little 'Soka, but you still made a big difference in the lives of others."
Ahsoka nodded, tears pooling in her eyes.
She hadn't been this close to anyone in so long, and all she wanted was to feel okay again. To take a fist to the horrible memories of the last few weeks and finally feel the warmth she thought she'd find when she was rescued, but never did.
"Is there anything I can-"
"Please just hold me", she whispered. "Please."
"Of course, little one." his arms came up to wrap around her thin frame, pulling her close to his chest. He felt like safety and home, his many layers of soft robes cradling her while she pressed her face into his sternum.
"I've been so alone," she shuddered as the tears she'd fought for days fell down her cheeks and onto his shirt. Instead of the inevitable lecture on attachment, careful hands rubbed her back in circles while her body shook against him. She hadn't been hugged in so long, much less touched without harmful intent.
"They put me in- in a cage a-and-"
"Shhh, I know, 'Soka. I know", he murmured, cupping the back of her head and holding her tighter.
Part of her wanted to be angry, wanted to yell that he should have been there for her if he'd known what a hard time she was having, but the other part of her that was isolated and touch starved for so long didn't have the energy to even raise her voice.
So she just let herself cry in his arms instead while he rested his chin on top of her montrals. It made his antiox mask brush up awkwardly against her skin, but it didn't matter, not when he was holding her like he used to when she was little, before Zygerria, before the war, before everything changed.
"Would you like to stay here tonight?" he asked quietly once she'd calmed down a bit.
She nodded ashamedly against his chest, willing herself not to grab onto his arm when he got up to make the bed for her.
It wasn't like her to be so clingy, but Zygerria seemed to have changed everyone, herself included. She was terrified of being abandoned again, and needed someone to remind her that not everyone was like Atai, that touch could be soft and kind and safe.
"I think it's time you get some rest." Plo called from the other side of the room.
Ahsoka trudged over to the bed where he was holding the blankets open for her and all but fell in, feeling the exhaustion from the last few days rolling off her in waves. Plo pulled the blankets up to her chin and sat down on the mattress next to her.
"Promise me you won't leave me like that again."
"I promise." He replied, stroking his thumb softly over her temple with all the love and tenderness of a father. He watched her eyelashes flutter drearily as his slow motions lulled her further out of consciousness.
"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep, please?" she asked, her voice a mere whisper.
"Anything for you, sweet girl", he whispered back. "Anything for you."
Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you liked it! :)
