I just really wanted to make a story where Edward and Envy go nuts, purely crack, I swear it starts to make more sense in the second half just go along with everyone being alive and chill with each other and Hughes not being dead please

"What do you mean we are out of cake!?" whined Gluttony in the voice usually reserved when Lust wouldn't let him eat someone, he was always so depressed when that happened. Asking to eat someone wasn't that hard of a request to grant.

Lust was laying down on a couch flipped through a cooking book Envy had nabbed for her a few days back from the store, it was almost time for Gluttony's 150th birthday.

"You ate all of them last week," she responded, sitting up to stare at Gluttony.

"But Lust, they looked so good,"

Sighing Lust got up and grabbed the phone on the wall of their lair. Dialing a phone number wondering if the caller would pick up, "Envy?"

"Lust i'm kind of busy setting up the decorations," said Envy through gritted teeth, he wasn't too happy about having to help set up, he would much rather just join in the festivities.

"We are out of cake-" started Lust.

"So go get it yourself," grumbled Envy, cutting her off as he was standing on a wobbly stool hanging balloons, why did he agree to do this again?

"Envy, do you want me to send Greed to help you?" challenged Lust knowing their rivalry and hatred.

Muttering curses under his breath Envy agreed, "Fine, but he has to set up the decorations, I can't do both,"

"Good," said Lust, hanging up the phone, "Now what is baking soda…"

Envy trudged angrily down the streets still muttering curses under his breath, "Do this Envy do that blah blah blah blah blah…"

Now all of his plans were messed up, he was going to go down to the 5th Laboratory and go torture some people before heading to Gluttony's birthday party the next day, if he was feeling well enough after that he may even bring their dead bodies as a bonus present.

Meanwhile Lust was currently trying to learn how to bake, Greed had always made the cakes but he had been reborn so he had zero cooking skills now. So she was stuck with the duty.

She could seduce men in a blink of an eye, she could kill multiple people at once without even moving, what she could not do was bake a cake.

Then the phone rang again, "Yes?" asked Lust regaining control.

"I found a way to solve both of our problems," cackled Envy, "Where's the Fullmetal Pipsqueak?"

Edward was also having a crummy day. Good thing it was about to get better when Envy hopped down from one of the buildings blocking his path as he got into a fighting stance.

"If you dare call me-"

"Hello Fullmetal Pipsqueak," smirked Envy cutting him off, "Long time no see,"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT EVEN AN ATOM COULD CRUSH HIM!?" yelled the golden eyed kid charging at Envy.

"Brother they didn't say that," said Al as Envy began dodging Edward's attacks.

"Hey, I'm not here to fight!" protested Envy holding up his hands.

"That's what you said last time and we got swallowed!" growled Edward clapping his hands and creating a blade on his automail, "That's 12 times now! 12 times! Dammit, I'm not small! You're just freakishly huge!"

"That was your own fault!" yelled Envy barely dodging his blade, "Nice to know your memory wasn't screwed up even more though!"

"Brother, maybe we should hear what he has to say,"

"Thank you! Nice to know one of the brothers has common sense," smirked Envy, "Can't say im surprised though with your small brain,"

"WHO'S BRAIN ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL IT MAKES A COCKROACH LOOK LIKE THE MOST INGENIOUS PERSON IN THE WORLD!?" yelled Edward Elric before getting pulled back by his older brother.

"He didn't say anything like that, brother,"

"They were clearly thinking it though!" screamed Edward trying to break out.

"Look I need a cake," said Envy, suddenly getting straight to the point.

"Why would you need a cake?" asked Ed.

"Look, we have a common goal." Envy said like nothing had happened, "Do you mind being kidnapped?"

"Of course I mind! What sort of question is that?"

"Great," smirked Envy grabbing his wrist and began dragging him down the sidewalk, "Lets go get a cake,"

"What!?" asked Ed, completely confused.

"Is your brain so sm-" Envy cut off seeing Ed's murderous expression, not that he cared if the Fullmetal Pipsqueak was angry but really it was wasting time he could annoy him later after they were out of sight from the passersbys watching this scene, "Do I need to explain this like you're a whittle baby? I need a cake and your going to help me get it,"

Running towards the nearest phone booth as the sun set casting shadows over everything hoping to get away with the green haired maniac Edward darted through multiple alleyways. Where was the phone booth?

"Oh there." thought the Fullmetal Alchemist as he spotted the bright red telephone booth on the side of the street.

Bolting inside and dialing the military number was answered with the usual, "We can't do that." Before putting in his code and waiting for Colonel Bastard to respond.

"You didn't turn in your report, where have you been all day?" barked the voice on the other side of the phone.

Biting his tongue from continuing the argument they had earlier about his "sloppy handwriting" he responded in a panicked voice, "Being hunted down by Envy-"

As soon as those words left his lips there was a loud smack and a scream from the other side of the phone.

"Fullmetal?!" called out Mustang desperately knowing what happened the last time something like this had happened.

"Hello Colonel," said a smug voice, Mustang could practically see him smiling with a smug grin, this just fueled his desire to punch him, "Envy here!"

"What did you do with Fullmetal?" snapped Mustang sitting upright in his chair as his lieutenant leaned in to listen.

"Oh him?" shrugged Envy glancing over at Fullmetal in a bored voice now, "Couple of bruises, a few broken ribs probably, could be dying from blood loss who knows really,"

"If you hurt him-"

"Too late for that Colonel," said Envy, "Go to Acorn Street tomorrow morning and we can discuss whether or not we keep Edward then, bring your whole team and anyone else who wants to come, or you will never see Fullmetal again,"

With that note he hung up leaving no time for Mustang to respond.

"This doesn't seem right," said Hawkeye, dropping more papers for Mustang to sign on his desk.

"Yeah," agreed Mustang pretending not to see said papers, "Why would they say to bring everyone else?"

Usually when people kidnapped Fullmetal they always said come alone.

"It's a trap," said Hawkeye

"Obviously," said Mustang wondering how to play this.

Hawkeye under the cloak of darkness and her disguise as Amanda, nobody important, just a simple woman talking to an attractive colonel she met earlier that day.

She expected some old rundown house or some place with a basement where they would discuss Edward's capture and eventually have to break them out themselves. What she got was a Carnival. Not some abandoned carnival though, it was fully operational with the Ferris Wheel running and the games still open, it wasn't that later.

Kids ran around giggling with their prizes, why would the homunculi wish to discuss something here seemed like the worst place to discuss sensitive information considering there were people all over.

Something wasn't right.

Meanwhile Breda called Al. No response. He called again and there was a response. "Uh yes?"

"Uh… where's your brother?"

"Edward?"

"What other brother do you have?" asked Hawkeye.

"What's wrong?" said Al on the other side of the phone slowly.

"Where is he?" asked Falman, jumping into the conversation.

"I don't know! Do you think we are conjoined twins?"

"Sounds about right." smirked Mustang.

"What's wrong?"

"Classified," said Mustang.

"What do you mean classified!?"

"Classified,"

The line went silent for a second.

"Al? Al you there?" asked Breda worriedly.

"I last saw him at the mall, he was, er… yep mhm… oops am I still on? Uhhh Colonel are you still there?" stuttered Alphonse coming back onto the phone.

"... Are you ok Alphonse?" said the Colonel suspiciously.

"He was… getting a uh… milk yep mhm and uhhh-"

"Milk?" exclaimed everyone in unison, everyone knew how much Edward hated milk.

"Nope, not milk! Uhh throwing milk!" corrected Alphonse, still talking in a strange voice.

"That makes more sense," said Hawkeye. The others sighed in relief, they were worried Alphonse had gone crazy.

"Anyways I have to go," said the clinking metal armor hurriedly before hanging up.

"That was strange," said Mustang.

"You think?" asked Hawkeye sarcastically.

"Something is going on here,"

The next morning with little choice but to go there although they knew they couldn't kill Fullmetal him being an important sacrifice and all they could still torture him.

There were 5 people outside. Mustang, Breda, Falman, Hawkeye, and Armstrong. Those were the only ones that appeared though, there were multiple soldiers littered around in case anything bad happened.

So they headed to a carnival just outside where they met with Lust.

"I thought I killed you!" exclaimed Colonel Mustang in shock and slight anger, taking out one of his gloves and slipping it on behind his back, the only reason he hadn't burned her to death again was because of the Fuhrer's warning, the whole "ruin our plans and I shall murder Hawkeye - insert evil laughing here probaly -"... Ok maybe he didn't do that.

Gluttony responded before them, "Father is all powerful, he brought Lust back!"

"Lucky us," said Falman sarcastically.

"Come on," said Lust, "We are wasting time, Envy is having some fun with Fullmetal,"

Mustang clenched his jaw in anger and worry, he knew that Envy loved toying with humans who knew what horrible things he was doing.

The others weren't too happy either with that bit of conversation.

They then somehow heard a loud noise from across the carnival, "Aim for the targets!"

And a, "LUCKY ME!"

Lust blinked for a second before rolling her eyes and walking away. "You coming?"

They followed Lust reluctantly through the carnival as multiple people tried to flirt with both Mustang and Lust as they passed, they both ignored them… the universe was coming to an end wasn't it?

Reaching a white stand with a small crowd around it, Lust walked in and the men started ogling at her, "I welcome you all to 1914's Annual Baking Competition!

The crowd cheered eagerly as Mustang's Team stared in confusion.

"We have 5 new contestants!" grinned Lust, "Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Alex Armstrong, Kain Fuery, and Vato Falman, everyone give them a loud welcome!"

The crowd clapped loudly in response with several "whoops" and cheers.

"Give me back my Girlfriend!" yelled one man in the crowd as Mustang awkwardly scratched the back of his head.

The rest of the team was just as confused, baking? Why did they send them to a baking competition of all things?

"We will be back in 5 minutes!" smiled Lust before walking to the back of the booth, it was at the edge of the carnival so there was nobody back there.

"Show us Fullmetal," growled Mustang.

"Why should I? You don't think we homunculi are idiots do you? He is in a secure location right now," said Lust before flicking her attention towards Riza before elongating one of her nails to point towards her, "Aren't you supposed to be working for the Fuhrer now?"

Lieutenant Hawkeye glared back at the dark haired woman, "When I hear one of my friends are in danger I don't sit around, though I doubt a inhuman homunculus like you would understand,"

"Suit yourself," shrugged Lust before getting back on topic noticing Mustang instinctively slipping on his glove, "It's very simple to get Fullmetal back, just bake a cake,"

"Bake a cake?" scoffed Falman, "Like we would believe that lady,"

"You don't think I'm telling the truth?"

"No," was the only response.

"I'm hurt," mocked Lust, "Believe it or not it is that easy, and even if I was lying are you really in a position to argue?"

With a groan Mustang realized the logic in her words.

Down in the underground lair with numerous pipes on the walls around them Envy was having an argument with Pride.

"I don't see why you couldn't just buy a cake," said Pride in his usual unsettling voice, "Did it really require kidnapping Fullmetal and putting a halt to our plans?"

"How is this putting a halt in our plans?" said Envy with a roll of his eyes, "Sloth hasn't even finished the tunnel,"

"What if Riza Hawkeye gets away?" pointed out Pride, "Wrath won't be happy if his leverage is gone… and more importantly I won't be happy either." He paused before adding, "And neither will Father,"

"You guys are never happy," sighed Envy, "You should really murder some more, honestly big brother how can you stand to be a child all day? I couldn't do it."

"Surprising," was Pride's response as he walked out not interesting in talking to Envy anymore, what's done was done, but he planned to tell his Father about this, "Considering you have the mind of one,"

"HEY!" yelled Envy but Pride was already gone. Best get back to the surface before anyone realized he was gone.

"Ready, set go!" yelled Lust as she watched the 15 Contestants start baking, well 11 of them did.

If you asked Edward whether he would want to eat poison or Mustang's food he would ask, "What's the difference?" Of course Mustang would deny it.

Riza at least knew the basics.

Fuery and Falman were hopeless though. At least they weren't as bad as Mustang , right?

Oh and Armstrong? Well…

"Don't worry," he said before the competition started, "The art of baking cakes has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!"

He then promptly took off his shirt to nobody's joy or surprise.

The clock was ticking though as they mixed their batter together.

5 hours later a timer went off.

"Time's up!" yelled Lust, "Please remove your hands from your cakes,"

Mustang's cake was toppling over on itself and was slightly burnt, he decided to get a leg up on the others by using his alchemy… not only did that almost get him disqualified but it also ruined his poor cake.

Riza had made a simple Lemon Cake.

Falman and Fuery mashed a bunch of ingredients together haphazardly hoping to make something. Fuery's wasn't fully cooked yet though.

Armstrong had a 7 Foot Strawberry Cake neatly made with Frosting and with delicate designs embedded into it and a nice toppiece.

Lust, Greedling, Envy, and Gluttony sat down to eat each one. The first one they ate was a purple cake with sprinkles on it and chocolate flavored. Then after that it was a vanilla cake with oreo cookies on it and so on.

Envy handed a plate back to someone in the back of the booth who started eating also, possibly Wrath since he couldn't exactly be seen here or Sloth, they hadn't met Sloth yet… or Pride. It could have been any of them thought Mustang.

It was going smoothly, then Mustang's cake came up.

Lust instantly spat it at Greed who threw his piece at her without tasting it first causing her to topple back and hit Envy. Even Gluttony had difficulty swallowing it.

"Sir did you mix up the salt and the sugar again?" said Hawkeye holding back her laughter, rule 0 of cooking was never let Mustang within 10 feet of the kitchen.

"Well crap," muttered Mustang remembering why he thought the sugar was a bit too large when he had poured it in, that explained it.

Envy got up and punched Greed in the face and he threw his slice of the cake back, "You try the disgusting food!"

"No you!" yelled Envy forgetting their disguise as well… sane human beings.

Soon the four homunculi started throwing Mustang's cake everywhere as Mustang groaned, "It wasn't that bad!"

The audience roared with laughter in the stands obviously thinking it was planned as the 4 judges continued to smack each other around.

"How do you even screw up a cake that badly?"

"Uhhhhh…" said Mustang thinking back to cooking it.

"Why am I having such a hard time with this?" thought Mustang as he looked at the instruction book pouring in the "sugar" or at least what he thought was sugar at the time, "Baking is chemistry, and you're good at chemistry!"

"No, baking is an art," replied Fuery.

"Did I say that out loud?" asked Mustang, turning red from embarrassment.

"Mhm," answered Fuery, slowly trying to get the exact measurements.

"Less messing around, more baking! Otherwise you won't get the prize," smiled Envy sadistically, "And you don't want to lose the prize,"

They then hopped away muttering something about needing to go get some more cotton candy.

Instead of answering the question Mustang muttered to Fuery, "Who's wasting time now?"

Unfortunately the cake ran out, stopping the food fight… so sad.

"Are you trying to poison us?" questioned Envy turning towards Mustang with a glare.

"It wasn't even that bad!" protested Mustang again, jeez even monsters hated his food? Was it really that bad? He thought the annoying punk was just exaggerating as usual.

The others gave him a deadpan look. Ok apparently it was that bad.

"It was burnt and salty…" pouted Gluttony.

"... Touche,"

"I found more of Mustang's cake!" smirked Greed, picking a thrown piece that wasn't a goopy mess on the ground.

Everyone promptly screamed as Mustang crossed his arms in annoyance, they were just overreacting now.

"Ok we cooked for you, now where is Fullmetal?" demanded Mustang after all the viewers had left.

"So demanding, sure you can't buy me dinner?" whined Lust leaning in for a kiss before Hawkeye pushed him away.

"Thank you, Hawkeye," said Mustang, though had it been different circumstances he would have welcomed a kiss from such a beautiful lady. Oh and if she hadn't been a crazy psycho lady.

Lust huffed.

"Now about Fullmetal? Or do I need to burn all of you?" continued Mustang.

Lust shuddered at the memory, "No thanks,"

"Well where is he?" said

"The abandoned warehouse at the outskirts of town, you know the one where someone swallowed me whole!" said Envy glaring daggers at Gluttony.

"He killed Lust," defended Gluttony, "But now she is back!"

"... So you kidnapped Fullmetal just so we would make you cake?" asked Mustang trying to make sense of the absurdity. The Seven Deadly Sins were less powerful Godlike beings and more… petulant little children. He decided that Fullmetal would have probably gotten along well with them…. That idea was terrifying. Fullmetal and the homunculi teaming up… who knows what crazy scheme they would come up with?

Mustang shuddered.

"Pretty much," commented Greedling, "Welp see you guys,"

"You need to help carry the cakes!" protested the black haired homunculus.

"Nope see you," said Greed, waving his hand behind him.

"Ugh," groaned Lust.

"You could have just asked!" snapped Lieutenant Hawkeye.

"Would you have done it?"

"Uhhh…" drawled out Armstrong, no not really actually, why would they bake a cake for the homunculi for no reason after all but they didn't have to kidnap someone!

"Exactly."

"Fullmetal!?" called out Mustang, "Fullmetal!?"

The team split up to search the empty house they found Fullmetal tied up in the corner with his hands held apart and gagged.

Breda removed the gag from his mouth.

"I'm going to kill Envy next time I see him!" spat Fullmetal, though he wasn't serious.

"Turns out they only wanted us to bake cakes…" said Breda with a small laugh now that they had found the pipsqueak… nobody tell him that though.

"Why would they want that?" asked Edward as they could only shrug.

"I am so happy you are ok!" exclaimed Armstrong hugging him.

"Ow… ow… ribs…" muttered Edward as Armstrong finally released him.

"Come on, let's get you to the hospital," said Hawkeye.

"See brother, I'm fine," smirked Edward, it was true this time, only a few bruised ribs which he probably got from Armstrong anyways and a few wounds, good thing it wasn't as bad as Envy said.

"We were worried sick, don't do that again brother,"

"I won't don't worry," said Edward as they headed back to their room with Elysia and her closest friends who would never ever tell a secret, giggling in toe, after Hughes attempted murder Elysia had been hanging out with her big brother more and more since her Dad was stuck in the hospital, "Better yet Mustang let me off the hook on that report!"

Flopping onto the bed after the long tiring day, not in the way you may think though.

After Edward finished checking the room and closing the curtains he grabbed 4 boxes that had been stuffed under his and Al's beds, then announced with a smirk, "So do you want some cake?"

"A cake? Seriously?" hissed Ed pulling his wrist away from Envy.

"Hey! We homunculi respect birthdays just like everybody else!"

"I don't think I can take you seriously anymore," snorted Edward, who would ever think of that? The great and mighty homunculi celebrating birthdays of all things!.

"Do I need to squish you like the tiny bug you are to make you-" said Envy before getting cut off.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT THAT A MICROSCOPE WOULD NEED ITS VERY OWN MICROSCOPE TO EVEN SEE HIM!" screamed the blonde haired kid drawing even more attention to them.

"Psychos," muttered one man before continuing on with his day.

Envy made a real show of looking bored as Ed continued to rant for a minute straight.

"Can't you just buy a cake?" asked Al looking over at a store with cakes prominently displayed.

"But that would be way less fun!" protested Envy kicking a snail.

"So you want us to buy you a cake?" asked Edward.

"No you morons! Ugh… humanity never does get better, and I thought you were so bad you could go nowhere but up," scoffed Envy, "It's very simple, I kidnap you and hold you for ransom,"

"And the ransom is cake? THat is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard!" laughed the Fullmetal Alchemist half convinced he was in a crazy dream, though he probably couldn't come up with something as crazy as this.

"You can have some of the cake, and I might consider not kidnapping you again for some other reason,"

"You had me at cake," said Edward smiling wickedly, "You know, you should have led with that,"

"Excellent,"

Now because of my brilliant plan I didn't have to set up decorations anymore! Pride had too! Haha! And Lust and I got to hold a Baking Contest! What fun!

I was currently chasing pipsqueak around the streets. I had to make it look real after all, I waited for him to finish saying his passcode, it was too quiet for me to catch though, damn brat. Having his passcode would be really useful. Whatever, I could find it out later.

Then the most awful music played.

I could have committed suicide... luckily it stopped when Fullmetal picked up the phone.

In case someone is reading my thoughts I won't subject you to this torture, you don't want to know...

The Fullmetal Pipsqueak tried to warn me.

"We can call Hawkeye? Literally anybody but Mustang," said Edward as we sat around preparing our plan.

"Why?" I asked.

Alphonse gave me an odd look. It was an unsettling feeling, while a suit of armor you could almost feel it somehow…

"You don't want to know," said Alphonse.

"It's horrible," groaned Fullmetal, "I don't remember it exactly but it was something like… Snap Snap Snap Snap My Fingers! Snap Snap Snap Snap My Fingers! Then something about a miniskirt party and… I am pretty sure he is a pyromaniac, because he can't stop singing about fire,"

"You haven't seen a pyromaniac kid," I said thinking of Kimblee… maybe he could be useful in the future, "It can't be that bad,"

"Your funeral," said Alphonse and Edward in unison.

How naive 10 minutes ago was.

It was worse than I could imagine.

After the Fullmetal Pipsqueak got Mustang on the phone it was my time to shine as I pushed him out of the way roughly and said triumphantly like I had just won a prize, "Hello Colonel! Envy here!"

"What did you do with Fullmetal," the man on the other side had growled.

"Oh him?" I said nonchalantly glancing at Fullmetal who was currently trying to keep from snickering, "Couple of bruises, a few broken ribs probably, could be dying from blood loss, who knows really,"

"If you hurt him-" the Colonel started sounding very threatening before I cut him off amused at his protectiveness.

"Too late for that Colonel, go to Acorn Street tomorrow morning and we can discuss whether or not we keep Edward then, bring your whole team and anyone else who wants to come, or you will never see Fullmetal again,"

With that note I hung up leaving no time for Mustang to respond, leaving them in suspense was the best type of kidnapping calls.

Fullmetal and I instantly started snickering and cackling while Alphonse just shook his head with a sigh.

"I don't think this is a good idea," pointed out Al

"Pranking the Colonel is always a good idea," smirked Edward.

"We should do this more often," said Envy.

"Hell yeah!" cackled Fullmetal with one of his demon grins.

"Kay we need a disguise for you," pointed out Envy leading them down to the tunnels where Father resided. Father didn't attend the festivities though, he was a bit of a party pooper at times.

- Several minutes later -

"Brown… no purple, yes purple… or maybe a light pink," speculated Lust now that they were out of sight, she was designing a new set of clothes for Edward with a sketchpad she found laying around.

They were in a hotel room with yellow eyes and flower patterns on the bed sheets. They were on the highest floor so they had a great view of the city.

"What about spikes?" asked Edward, "Spikes look cool don't they?"

"No," responded Envy dully.

"Red and purple are complementary colors right?"

"Brother those look terrible together," sighed Alphonse.

"I'm insulted that you don't like my style!" huffed Edward dramatically, "I've been betrayed by my own, Brother!"

"Not our fault you have no sense of fashion," said Envy, rolling his eyes jumping on the dramatic train.

"You look like a crossdressing palm tree!" retorted Ed looking Envy up and down.

Before Envy could respond Lust broke in trying to keep the peace, "What about pink or blue hearts? Those go well with purple,"

"We are disguising the runt not getting him ready for a date," scoffed Envy leaning against the door, crossing his arms.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING-"

The phone rang. Edward paused his rant for a second before hanging up on it.

"Let it ring, probably a spam bot, now as I was saying, WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO-"

The phone rang again.

"Anybody recognize the number?" asked Envy examining the number and listing it to Edward and Alphonse, "I swear to Truth if it is another one of your dates Lust I will-"

Meanwhile Breda called Al. No response. He called again and there was a response. "Uh yes?"

"Uh… where's your brother?" asked Hawkeye, her voice slightly distorted from the phone.

"Edward?" asked Alphonse panickedly, looking at them for help who just shrugged whispering to Lust.

"What other brother do you have?" asked Hawkeye.

"What's wrong?" said Al slowly, choosing not to answer, as Edward and Envy tried to silently communicate through flailing their arms around.

"Where is he?" asked Falman, jumping into the conversation.

Pause as Edward and Envy shook their heads back and forth and shrugging before pointing to the phone.

"I don't know! Do you think we are conjoined twins?" answered Al in a slightly confused voice getting two thumbs up.

"Sounds about right." smirked the Colonel.

"What's wrong?" asked Alphonse, choosing not to answer, as Edward and Envy tried to communicate through flailing their arms around desperately.

"Classified," said Mustang.

"What do you mean classified!?"

"Classified,"

The line went silent for a second.

"Classified? Really?" asked Al pressing the mute button, "How many times have you gone missing and he just didn't tell me!"

"Uh… I wouldn't take a shot for every time it's happened," said Edward.

"Al? Al you there?" asked Breda worriedly.

"You're a trouble magnet, brother," sighed Alphonse.

"Answer the colonel, brother," said Ed quickly changing the subject.

Alphonse unmuted himself.

"I last saw him at the mall," started Alphonse staring at Envy and Ed, "He was, er…" Ed and Envy started making basket motions, "Yep mhm… oops am I still on? Uhhh Colonel are you still there?" stuttered Alphonse coming back onto the phone.

"... Are you ok Alphonse?" said the Colonel suspiciously.

"He was… getting a uh… milk yep mhm and uhhh-"

"Milk?" exclaimed everyone in unison, everyone knew how much Edward hated milk.

"Nope, not milk! Uhh throwing milk!" said Al quickly as Ed shook his head rapidly from side to side.

"That makes more sense," said Hawkeye. The others sighed in relief, they were worried Alphonse had gone crazy.

"Anyways I have to go," said Al, not wanting to slip again and hanging up.

"Ok so black leather or blue leather?" asked Lust coming back into the room from the wardrobe, "I also have some scarves I can pick up if you want, what's your size shoe by the way?"

Edward Elric turned bright red as he announced sulkily that he had a "8 and a half... in kids size" before quickly adding ( Read: Yelling ), "THAT'S A PERFECTLY NORMAL SIZE, ENVY! SO STOP LAUGHING!"

"Are you sure you're 15?" mocked Envy setting Edward on murder mode again… looks like Lust would have to pay double because of the damages.

"Come on," said Lust, "We are wasting time, Envy is having fun with Fullmetal,"

Meanwhile at another booth that was blue, decorated with corny pirates and treasure there were three mischievous little gremlins ( sorry Al but you can be sometimes ) trying to shoot the targets.

They were also all incredibly loud that their screams could probably be heard from across the carnival.

"Aim for the purple target!" yelled the one with golden eyes. The purple target gave double the amount of points.

Edward was decked in disguise. Black leather buttoned vest with spiky shoulder pads ( borrowed from Greed ) on a neon purple shirt, black sunglasses, and neon blue jeans. His hair was dyed a dark brown.

And a "LUCKY ME!" came from the homunculus beside him as he hit the purple target.

"Aha! we did it! Woohoo!" shouted Edward as they won yet another prize in a Carnival Game where you had to shoot different brightly colored moving targets with the miniature water cannons they gave you.

"Awesome!" cheered Envy as they high fived, he had shapeshifted into a young boy with yellow hair and blue eyes, he was clad in not much better attire than Edward he decided black and red was a good style, "Lets go try out that one!"

Edward nodded and ran after Envy who was darting towards a circus tent, before calling over his shoulder, "Choose any stuffed animal you want Al! I'll save you a ticket!"

"Ok, brother!" called out Al choosing of course an adorable cat plushie, "Ha now I can have a cat and my brother can't complain, isn't that right Mr. Whiskers,"

"THEY SAY TALKING TO INANIMATE OBJECTS IS THE FIRST SIGN OF INSANITY!" yelled Edward from across the fair.

From beside him Envy snickered, "So you went crazy a long time ago didn't you?"

"Well that was fun! Look how much loot we got, look, it's a Xingese Finger Cuff! I'll give this to Greed because of the Xingese Prince," said Envy as they walked towards the baking center, "Come on let's go judge the competition,"

"I'll give you a warning Envy, don't eat Mustang's food,"

"How bad could it be Minimetal,"

"FOR THE LAST TIME STOP CALLING ME SMALL!"

Envy cackled. In hindsight I should have listened. As a general rule never ever accept anything that Mustang made. His music was terrible, his cake was terrible, I still don't know which one is worse… They were both equally horrible.

Fullmetal lurked in the shadows of the competition as Envy gave him a few plates, mmm, this cake was good, he was glad he agreed to this idea.

When Mustang's cake came up he immediately threw it in the trash and watched the show, it really was that bad. I should have listened.

"It really was that bad," whispered Envy to Edward, backing up a bit to learn against the support beams of the booth, echoing his thoughts.

"Armstrong's was amazing though," said Edward.

"Yeah," agreed quietly Lust before adding, "It sparkled… How does he do that?"

"Sparkling was a trait that has been passed down the Armstrong Family for generations," mimicked Edward.

"Welp just wait here, see you later, I'll drop the cake over at your place," said Envy, tying him up and gagging him in the corner of the abandoned warehouse moments before Mustang's team arrived.

Now it was time to party, they got the cake, Pride decorated, Greed… Greed did Greed stuff, Envy got to kidnap someone sort've, Lust didn't have to do any work, Wrath even liked the Armstrong cake. Oh and Gluttony? Gluttony had a semi ok birthday. And nobody cares about Sloth… Lust sent him cake though...

All was right in the world.

Oh and Fullmetal got out of writing that report plus freecake!

So you can't tell me I'm not a generous guy.

"Where's your gift, Envy?" asked Wrath, "Did you forget while you were running around wasting time?"

"I got gifts for everyone," responded Envy bluffing, darn it he was supposed to grab some dead bodies… guess he did forget… he wasn't gonna tell them that. What was near him? The Carnival Bag Stuff? It could work...

After encouraging everyone to close their eyes, ( easier said than done ) and handing everyone their presents they examined them.

Greed had gotten Xingese Finger Cuffs. Lust got a drum. Gluttony got a too small ring pop. Wrath got a mug. Pride got a small Goldfish in a bag.

"I have always wanted one of these," said Pride sarcastically, "Dad, can I have a Goldfish? I will take really good care of it and everything!"

Pride still wasn't too happy with living with his much younger brother as his Dad.

"Now he is gonna be insufferable," whined Greed, "I can already hear him,"

"You should have consumed him already then." scoffed Envy, not his fault all of his siblings were ungrateful.

Gluttony had already finished his ring pop and behind everyone's back ate all of the cake.

"Ok then…" said Lust, "Lets eat-"

"GLUTTONY! COME ON MAN! WE WANTED SOME TOO!" yelled Wrath angrily as usual, "I didn't even get to taste test it earlier because I have to be the ''Fuhrer!'' You guys get to have all the fun while I am stuck with a creaky back!"

I snorted, wow, cake or being the king of an entire country? I knew what my little brother wanted at least.

"No problem, I can get more… Does anybody know where Fullmetal is?" asked Envy.

By the way that terrifying song combination was not something I made up, it was featured in a short made by the official company that animated Fullmetal Alchemist I think