Here's something no one ever tells you about being a hero: You forget you're a person. That you're a part of the society you're trying to save all the time.
Alex Summers opened his eyes to the same old morning. He left the bed slowly and put a shirt. He always got sweaty during the night, so he just slept in his boxers. He walked to the bathroom and splashed his face, then took a look at the mirror.
Was it normal that he felt irreversibly oblivious to the face he was looking at?
It had been three weeks since he left Krakoa. Three weeks since he decided that he needed a break. A true break. His need for it was long overdue, god knew.
Every night, Alex would jump in the bed and hope to sleep- only to be plagued by the same nightmares. Every morning, he'd take a boiling shower in hopes that it would wash them all away. But the water never worked, and the more the rhythm of the droplets kept time, the more he felt like he was slowly drifting into the darkness. Into somewhere he was scared of falling upon.
He was a mutant who could absorb energy. Cosmic energy. He was strong. He was supposed to be, wasn't he?
Then why was he so afraid of what was going on inside his head?
He looked at himself. His blue eyes, his messy blonde hair, his non-shaven face… He felt gone. He had been gone for years. He let himself get dragged from one place to another. The Starjammers, the X-Factor, the Avengers, Hellions, Krakoa.. Not to mention the time his personality was inverted towards being a mutant terrorist.
He just felt incredibly lost. Inhuman. Utterly isolated from who he once was. It was like he had nothing to live for anymore, nothing to live towards.
One second, he felt like he was getting better, and another, everything started to get mixed up again. He'd get flashbacks, of both the good and the bad. Mostly bad. Sometimes it was Gabriel. Sometimes it was Madelyn. Sometimes Scott. And sometimes, it was just him, hurting everyone around him like he tried to do years ago.
It was Jean who told him that he screamed at nights, sometimes.
So when he told Scott about wanting to get away for a while back in the Summer house, Alex would only expect him to be understanding, right? Because that's what you did when your brother told you that he was depressed as hell.
Scott turned it into an argument. Alex left anyway. He'd forget about it soon enough. It was the pattern of Scott and Alex, hell, the whole Summers family.
So, he left the Summer house for a while. He found a place to rent in Long Island (He figured that he had to pick somewhere boring to figure things out.). He already had some cash laying around the corner, so it was not a problem to him.
The brightside was that, the break seemed to be helping. He was even going to therapy. Alex Summers in therapy, think about it. Sure, he had been on some meds for the last two weeks, but he really felt like talking made a difference- which seemed borderline dumb before. He liked to think that he was making at least some changes.
He still had nightmares and terrors. The occasional anxiety attacks as well. But he was trying to figure it out. The meds were certainly helping. If the terrors were knives, Alex could say that the meds made them a bit more blunt.
The man walked to the kitchen to have some breakfast, and pressed the answering machine on the hallway before doing so. Yes, he was completely wired off. He only had a landline in here. He let the others know of his number, so they could call if the world was coming to an end.
Scott hadn't been calling him ever since they argued. Sometimes he talked with Jean. He called Gabriel sometimes, even though it was rarer.
"Hey, Alex. Scott still hates you. I told him to call you, but he just rolled his eyes. I'm sure he'll come along, though. I hope the break is helping." Jean Grey's voice echoed through the answering machine.
"Throw out this stupid landline and get your phone back, asshole. You barely answer it."
"That's the whole point, dumbass," Alex replied to the recorded message sarcastically.
Gabriel left messages like this all the time, which was why Alex preferred to rarely call him.
Then came the next message while Alex filled himself some coffee.
"Hey, Alex."
Lorna.
"I couldn't reach you on your cell phone.."
Why did Lorna even call him? How did she even know his number in the first place?
"I got your number from Scott…"
Oh. Alex raised one of his brows. Scott wouldn't talk to him, but also didn't hesitate to give his number to Lorna.
It wasn't like he and Lorna were bad. They were exes who became friends, who happened to hook up last month. He wouldn't call that a bad encounter, not at all.
"I didn't know you were taking some time off. So I guess I'm sorry if I'm disrupting it or something."
"Nope. I wouldn't say that." Alex said to the void. He liked doing that to voice messages.
"Anyway, uh, I was just wondering if you were around New York. Because I am- and I'd like to catch up sometime."
Well, that was unexpected. Alex raised one of his brows, curious. Why wasn't she in Krakoa? Scott would know… Damn it.
"If you can't make it, it's fine. You can just give me a call. I just really need to talk to you, it's kind of important. So... Yeah, that's it. Call me."
Something important. Alex sighed. He really didn't want to deal with it. He wanted to be by himself. He didn't want to save anyone else right now. Just himself.
But on the other hand…
It was Lorna.
His finger pressed the replay button.
There was too much history. Too many memories. Too many happy memories he could never just ignore.
"Hey, Alex. I couldn't reach you on mobile. I got your number from Scott. I didn't know you were taking some time off. So I guess I'm sorry if I'm disrupting it or something. Anyway, uh, I was just wondering if you were around New York. Because I am- and I'd like to catch up sometime. If you can't make it, it's fine. You can just give me a call. I just really need to talk to you, it's kind of important I think? So... Yeah, that's it. Call me."
He could meet her. It'd be like a change in weather. What could happen, anyway?
He dialed the number.
It is going to be fine, Lorna thought. It's not like you're forcing him to marry you. You're telling him your own decision.
She sat at the cafe, waiting.
Lorna had no idea what Alex was going to think after getting the news. Would he hate her? No, that'd be dumb. Not like she made the baby on her own. Would he distance himself? Probably. Would he want nothing to do with it? She didn't know. Alex wasn't exactly predictable. Neither was she. It was probably why they were together for such a long time.
But that didn't make her any less nervous, only more.
Calm it, idiot. He's going to be in or out. That's it. Not like the whole world depends on him. You can do this alone. This isn't the 1950s.
She could do this without him, for sure. Although, considering her experiences with her father… She didn't particularly enjoy the idea of Alex and the baby not having a relationship at all. But she could do this alone. She didn't need anybody, just herself.
All by herself. Alone.
Lorna sighed.
Pull yourself together. With or without him. You'll do great.
She just hoped Alex took the news better than her.
"Hey, stranger." Alex greeted her, having a seat.
Oh boy. Showtime.
"Hi... It's good to see you."
"You too," Alex said. "You look great."
Lorna smiled. "Do you want anything? I didn't want to order until you showed up."
"Uh... Nope. Maybe later."
"Okay, I'll just have some tea then." She said to the waiter, motioning on the menu. Her eyes slipped towards Alex. "And a glass of water." She added.
Alex slightly raised one of his brows because of the glance, confused, but quickly recovered.
"Thank you for coming.." Lorna began. "To be fair, I wasn't sure you'd show up."
"Why?"
"Well, I know you. So I know your breaks as well... I know how it can get for you sometimes."
"Yeah. You know me pretty well. Guess I've forgotten the ex-factor, huh?" Alex joked.
See? Relax. He's already making dad jokes.
"Ha." Lorna smiled. "How is the break treating you? You doing alright?" She asked, genuinely.
"It's been good. Different, this time really." Alex pointed out. "Did Scott tell you that I'm in therapy?"
"Nope. He didn't want to talk a lot about you, actually. Did you guys fight again?"
"Yup."
"Oh well, it'll work out. It's Scott."
"That's what I thought." Alex said, once again being reminded of how long Lorna and he had been together. She knew him better than a lot of people. She knew how he and Scott were when they were fighting because she had seen it a billion times. She was practically a Summers family veteran.
"Good luck with therapy by the way. It's all cheesy motivational shit at the end of the day, but it really made a difference for me when I went."
"Did you ever take Zoloft?" Alex asked.
"Zoloft? That was not a good one for me. I felt distracted the whole time and I couldn't sleep at all."
"I feel like a zombie, mostly." Alex smiled in defeat. "But I guess it works."
"Wait until you try out Prozac. That's when shit gets even worse." Lorna took a sip of her tea.
"Been there, done that. It made me way too unbearable. The doc switched to Klonopin in a week."
Lorna laughed. "You do have the tendency to get way too unbearable."
"You're the professional." Alex's eyes sparkled towards the green haired woman, the sarcasm dripping from his lips like honey.
Lorna laughed. She could almost say that she missed him.
"Anyway.." Lorna's laughter slowly died out. "I'm really glad you're doing better."
"That makes two of us. So.. What's going on with you? Why aren't you in Krakoa?"
Nothing much, except; you know, pregnancy. And I left Krakoa before taking the test because everyone would make a scene if they knew I was pregnant with your baby.
"Some things are going on with me for sure.." Lorna started. "Which is why I called you."
Doing great, just get straight to the point.
"This is kind of hard to.." Lorna started, trying to continue.
"Lorna... Is this about Krakoa? Last month?"
Lorna paused. "Kind of. Yeah. You could say that."
Alex sighed. "Look... I like things the way they are right now."
"You what?" She furrowed her brows, confused.
"I mean look at us. Look how far we came. We're friends now... Do you really want to ruin that? Plus, I'm really not in a good place right now. I mean, we were just talking about this, Lorna."
He did not just think that she was trying to get back together with him.
"Oh my god- did you think I was trying to get back together with you?"
"Weren't you?" Alex said, confused.
"No." Lorna snapped, annoyed at the blonde.
"Oh." Alex blurted out. "I'm sorry."
"You're such a Summers brother sometimes. You didn't even listen to me but you're already drawing your own conclusions. Not everything is about you, Alex. Seriously-"
"I'm sorry... I really am. You're right. Go on. What was it about? I'm all ears."
"Okay... But I want you to promise me. No interrupting. No walking away. This is going to be a conversation. A calm one."
"Lorna, I promise."
"Okay." She said once again. "You know what, promise again, I don't trust it." She crossed her arms defensively, anxiety building up in her body since they were slowly getting to the subject.
"Jesus, Lorna, I promise that I-"
"I'm pregnant." Lorna blurted out quickly.
Alex's voice stuttered as his head tilted in confusion. "Y-you're what?"
"Pregnant."
"Oh.." He nodded lightly, his hand traveling to the glass of water on the table.
So that's why she had ordered the glass of water. She really did know him well.
"Before you ask... It can only be yours. I haven't slept with anyone except you." Lorna pointed out, trying to calculate the man's reaction but he was drinking the water like crazy.
So she continued, taking out the photo she received of the ultrasound from her purse. "I found out a couple of days ago... I went to the doctor yesterday."
"It's why I left Krakoa for a while. It's reeking of telepaths, you know. You know how everyone gets when shit like this happens. I didn't want to risk anyone else finding out, so... I left before taking the test. I'm staying a couple of blocks away, in the apartment I inherited from my mom." She briefly paused, placing the photo on the table.
"At first I didn't want to keep it. But I think I'm keeping it. So, I just wanted to let you know. You deserve to know."
Alex set down the glass and motioned toward a waiter nearby. "Can I have another glass?"
Lorna went on.
"I know this is a hard time for you. And I don't want you to feel obliged to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to be in on this… I'll understand. No pressure. No hard feelings."
Alex nodded. Why did he have to promise on having a conversation? A calm conversation? This was not something to have a calm conversation about.
A baby. A baby of his. A baby of Lorna's. Their baby. That was a thing now. All of a sudden.
"But we used a condom." Alex reminded her.
"I know, I was there," Lorna said half sarcastically, raising one of her brows. "They don't work all the time."
"Fuck." Alex sighed, feeling panic moving through his body. "Uhm…"
"I know this is a lot-"
"It is. You're pregnant. It's mine. You're keeping it. It is a lot."
"Are you okay?"
"I just need-" Alex interrupted himself when the waiter placed a second glass on the table. "Thank you." Alex drank the water slowly, and let out a breath. That's what the therapist said. Slow breaths.
A baby. A baby of his. A baby of Lorna's. Their baby. Their baby that Lorna was keeping. He was becoming a father.
Alex was not ready for this. He was not ready to hear this, he was not ready to see this, he was not ready to be a dad, he was not ready to do this with Lorna. They were friends. Did he care about her? More than life itself. That would never change. But a baby… It was a different story.
He looked at the ultrasound picture between his fingers.
"It's the tiny black blob. I think. I keep mixing it up." Lorna said.
Alex focused on the blob. A bit of him, a bit of her, apparently. But it didn't make this situation better.
He was not ready to do this. He couldn't be a father, he could barely look after himself.
"Lorna, I'm not sure I can decide this now. I don't know what to feel."
He truly didn't. It felt like someone just blew a hole through him and the air was just passing through it. All he could feel was a hybrid of anxiety and shock.
"I know. It took me a while too. It's fine. Look, I know you're trying to get a grip. I know you're trying to get better. So, whatever you want to do- tell me when you're ready. I can't force you into anything. I care about you way too much for that."
"Lorna.. I'm not ready for this. I can barely look after myself."
Lorna sighed. "Okay. I understand."
"But…Did you really think this through?" Alex asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Lorna this isn't a houseplant. It's a baby."
"I know what babies are, Alex." Lorna said, becoming impatient. "What are you implying?"
"I mean… Just look at yourself. Do you really think that you're up for this?"
Lorna's breath hitched silently. "Are you seriously saying that I'd be a shit mother?"
"No, Lorna- Look at us both. We're both torn to pieces." Alex claimed, dead serious.
"Do you really think either of us would make good parents? Look at me and tell me that you think that." Alex said. "Maybe it's better if we just.. Don't."
"Are you saying that I should get an abortion?"
"I'm saying that maybe you should think twice-"
"You know what," Lorna interrupted him, grabbing her purse. "This was a mistake."
"I thought we were having a conversation."
"I wasn't the one who made the promise of not walking away. And I shouldn't have told you about this."
"Lorna, you're being irrational."
"I'm being irrational? Alex, I know you're shocked. And depressed. In therapy. On meds. Whatever. I understand and I'm happy that you're trying to pull yourself together on your own. I really am. But you're not the one who's carrying your baby. You're not the one who wants to keep it either." Lorna pointed out.
"Do you know how hard it's been ever since I took that test? How it felt to not be able to leave the bathroom in shock after peeing on that stick? Do you know how lonely I felt? I had to call Wanda to find the strength to get out of there. Do you have an idea how bad I felt while trying to decide whether I should keep it or not? How terrible it felt to realize that after I wanted to keep it, my life would change forever?" Lorna said, the exhaustion leaking from her voice.
"Only for the father of the baby to tell me that I'd make a shit mom anyway, so I should just get rid of it. Thank you for the solution, Alex. Because my dumb female pregnant brain couldn't think of it!" Lorna said, yelling a little, grabbing attention from a table nearby.
She lowered her voice before talking again.
"It's always about what you think is right. Even when you're trying to change. This is just like the times when you were being all 'protective' and 'decision making' around me. You and your masculinity. Is that ever going to go away?"
"Lorna. . . I'm sorry. I should have been more considerate, you're right, but– Think of us. Think of us as parents. It's like the blind leading the blind. I'm in shambles, Lorna." Alex exhaled. "And I don't think I can put it all back together ever again. Think of yourself. Think of me. Think of all the things we went through in our lives, the last ten years. Do you really think that a child can grow up in that environment?"
Lorna's eyes looked mistier after his words. He knew that she was a minute away from crying, but he also knew that she would do her best to avoid it.
"There's a difference between you and me, Alex," Lorna said.
"I learned to own up everything I did and everything I am. Every side of me, the good and the bad, I own it. I love it. It's mine. Even if it's bad or ugly because it helps me to know myself more. It helps me grow, and avoid making all the mistakes I did before. Maybe you would be right if this happened ten years ago. But it's happening now. And I don't know about you…" Lorna's eyes met his, sternly.
"But I'm doing this. Because I know that even though I'm probably not going to be the best mom in the world.. Trying will get me pretty close." Lorna said.
"Lorna.."
Lorna shook her head. "I don't think I want to talk more right now."
"Don't be like this."
"I just thought that... After talking to you, no matter what you chose, it'd feel... Better. Because it always used to." Lorna confessed, with a bit of melancholy in her voice.
"But clearly, you need some space. And I need even more." Lorna started to walk away. "Call me when you make up your mind. In or out. No hard feelings."
With that, Lorna Dane left a conflicted Alex Summers sitting on the cafe table, with the ultrasound photo still in his hand.
Alex closed his eyes and sighed.
