"Come here sweetie." Kim held out her hand to Makayla and asked her to sit beside her as soon as they made it back to their apartment. She had barely managed to pull herself together to do the school run. Trudy had offered to do it for her but Kim refused, she didn't want anyone's help or pity. She just wanted Adam to walk through her door again. Makayla may not have noticed the grief and shock etched on her face but the people around her did, it had become an all too familiar sight. Kim's year had been tumultuous to say the least. "I need to talk to you."

"Oh okay." Makayla sat quietly, she had lost a lot of her spark lately and Kim was desperate to get it back and thought they were on the right path, up until today. There had been tiny little slivers of light shining through again and that made her think that it was because things were calmer at home. It never once crossed her mind that those slivers would've just been coming back anyway.

"It's about Adam."

A smile lit up her face. It felt cruel that she was about to snuff it out. "Is he coming home? I miss him."

"So do I." she looked at the ceiling and exhaled slowly, her breath catching in her throat. Willing herself not to just become a blubbering mess. "Adam's not coming home Sweetheart."

"Why not? This is his home. He likes it here."

"He does, and I know he loves you so much. He told me yesterday to tell you that he loves you." Kim paused. "Makayla sweetheart, on the case Adam was working he had to do something that he's never done before, and it made him sick, very sick. Makayla, Adam isn't coming home because Adam died."

"When can I see him? He's my friend, he's going to be my Dad one day. He told me."

"Oh Sweetie, he would've loved nothing more than to be your Dad."

"I want Adam to come home, please. Please let him come home." Makayla's begging broke her already shattered heart and Kim couldn't stop the tears streaming down her face. "I'll be good, I promise. I'll be happy again."

"Makayla, Adam died. He can't come home." Tears trickled down her cheeks, she honestly didn't think she had anymore left inside her. "But we will always love him."

"No, please let him come home. Why did you send him away? Please, please. I want Adam." She pushed Kim away when she went to hug her. "I want Adam. I want my Mom."

It was like a knife through Kim's heart. Makayla had been calling her Mom for weeks and she loved it more than she thought she ever would. Now, to hear her ask for the two people she could never see again was like tearing her insides apart.

If this day could not get any worse Makayla shut herself in a closet and every attempt Kim made to talk to her was met with rage and sad begging. "I don't want to be here anymore. I hate this place, I hate it."

Kim leant her back against the closet door and closed her eyes. "I do too."

"I want Adam."

"So do I."

It had been the hardest few hours she had ever experienced. Shock and grief was raw and the reactions were visceral and honest. More than anyone she knew you could say things in the heat of the moment that you didn't mean but could ripple through someone for a long time.

Trudy had delivered the first few blows. "You couldn't just let him stay one bloody night to make sure he was okay? One night was going to ruin your schedule? Or call me, or Voight, or his father or his god damn best friend? I am….." Trudy seethed. "One god damn night for the guy who has slept on your couch for months to make sure that you were okay after being in hospital and you couldn't give him a few hours?"

Kevin had told her to back off. Couldn't she see that Kim didn't need to be told what she'd done wrong, she was already blaming herself and regret was going to weigh her down for a long time.

The rage of Bob Ruzek had peeled layers of skin off.

His son was dead and as far as he was concerned the two people standing in front of him were to blame. Kim had insisted on going with Voight to do the notification. Her legs and arms felt heavy as she mounted the stairs, she couldn't even remember what Voight had said to her on the drive over. Everything was just a fog.

"What did you do to my boy?" As soon as he opened the door and saw the two of them he knew.

Kim just started speaking. "He was on a case, an Undercover Case and he OD'd on drugs and we gave him Narcan and he went to hospital and was discharged. Sometime overnight he had a reaction. He was found unresponsive this afternoon." Kim didn't know what else to say, eventually the truth would come out, they already knew there was going to be an internal investigation. "He couldn't be revived."

"What do you mean he OD'd?" Bob wasn't following any of this, he didn't even know Adam was Undercover at the moment. Not that he kept him in the loop of what was going on in his job or his life lately. "Adam doesn't do drugs, he's never done drugs."

"The drug dealer we were after was threatening to kill his hostage, Adam's CI. The daughter of one of Adam's old school teachers, Mr Pasquazi so Adam needed to prove he wasn't a cop and took the drugs to save Olivia." Kim rambled. "He had no choice, he did it to save her."

"What the hell has his High School teacher got to do with anything? How did he get involved?"

"He came to Adam asking for help, and you know Adam, he always wants to help." Kim offered meekly, her little involuntary shrug just boiled in Bob's gut. Kim was almost reminiscing at this point, it was one of the best things about him, his willingness, no questions asked to help someone in trouble. The memory of Olivia telling her about the kid at school flooded her mind momentarily.

Bob just stared at Voight, hard and full of hate. "Platt sent a Patrol unit to do a welfare check when nobody had heard from him all day." Voight filled in the gaps.

Something snapped inside Bob at that moment. "A welfare check? Why was he alone after OD'ing?" he spluttered. "Why weren't you with him?" he glared at Kim. "He never left your side after you got shot, he gave up everything, his own home to take care of you and your child, he did everything for you. Where were you?"

"I was at work." It sounded as lame as it was. She would never forgive herself for that, until the day she died.

"Work? While my son was dying in your home?"

"Adam had moved out." Kim had no idea what she was even saying. She'd lost the ability to filter her thoughts and only give what information needed to be given. Clearly she felt guilty and needed Bob to know everything.

"When?"

"For the case, it was just temporary. We thought it was best for Makayla." The more she spoke the weaker it sounded. "He was at his Undercover apartment he had for the case. He was going to stay there for a few weeks while we sorted it out. We were trying to help Makayla." Voight put her arm out to stop Kim but she wouldn't, she wanted to feel the whole weight of Bob Ruzek's anger. He couldn't be angrier at her than she was at herself. "I'm sorry B….." his icy eyes cut through her fog. "… Mr Ruzek."

"Sorry? Sorry? For what? Leaving my son to die alone. I wish he'd never met you. You killed my son." Bob took a step towards Kim and she didn't flinch when he shoved his face into hers. "You killed him. All you ever did was break his heart." He turned to Voight. "And what did you do? You just chew them up and spit them out. You don't care, you probably wanted him to OD, whatever gets the job done right? Get out of my sight, get off my property."

Bob slammed the door in their faces.

Even back at the district it had been one brutal grief stricken blow after another.

Kevin had picked her up off the floor when Kim had hit the ground after Trudy delivered the news. It had been silent for a few moments and that painful silence was broken by the sounded of a body hitting the floor.

It broke Kevin out of his stupor as he saw Kim go down. As she did the gut wrenching wail was a sound that none of them would ever forget for the rest of their lives. "No, no, no." she sobbed. "No."

Nothing he could say would make any difference so he just held her in his lap in the Break Room and tried to take away some of her pain while his own was filling his every pore.

"It's my fault and I…" Kim swallowed hard. "… I loved him. He was…" she started to hyperventilate. "…he just wanted…. I never told him."

It was hard to follow her chaotic train of thought but Kevin knew her better than most and he also knew Adam. "He knew."

She leapt up, suddenly she could bare to be touched or held. If Adam couldn't hold her nobody could. "No, he didn't. I didn't tell him, I pushed him away and all he wanted was a family and he died alone." Kevin tried to grab hold of her again as she erratically paced the room. "Leave me alone, don't touch me." She flung her arms wildly. "Don't touch me."

She slid down the cupboard and pulled her knees into her chest. Kevin sat down on the floor beside her. He leant against the cupboard and closed his eyes for a moment. "You know, I've never meet someone more frustrating than that dude. He was like a child but he grew, from the moment I met him we clicked, we were like brothers. There was something about Adam, once he was in, he would always be in. I will never forgive myself for not being there for him." He rolled his head to the side and looked at Kim who was just staring into space. "You made him the guardian of Makayla because deep down you knew, and he did as well. You made a beautiful family and yes, the past few weeks were rough but the love was always there."

"And now I have to go home and tell Mack that he's never coming home." Kim wiped her hands over her face. "That someone else she loves has left her, and I have to live without him. I don't want to live without him. I don't think I can." She buried her head into her knees that were tightly held against her chest and let her broken heart spill out. Kevin slid an arm around her shoulders and leant his own head on Kim's back and she let him.

His heart was broken too.

Bob's wasn't the only anger they faced that day. Once Kim and Voight had left to talk to Bob, Trudy Platt drew herself up to her full height and unleashed. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you, all of you?"

"Sarge." Kevin started.

"No." she held up her hand "No. He was you best friend and did you think at all, even once that perhaps someone needed to check up on him? Even if you thought he was at home last night, nobody checked if he was okay. Did you think once when Kim hadn't heard from him this morning to call him, to drive by, to see how he was?"

"I wish I had."

"You wish you had, but you didn't." She swung around to face the other two when movement from the corner of her eye caught her attention. "And I know you two don't actually care about anyone by yourselves, so wrapped up in your own little world but I thought you…" she glared at Hailey. "…at least may have shown some concern for the man who apparently you cared enough about to sleep with for months."

Jay didn't miss a serve either. "I'm not surprised at you, you couldn't wait to get out of the hospital when Kim was in surgery, didn't care to stick around to see if she lived or died, had to get home to wash your pretty little head. Caring about anyone but yourself seems a touch beyond you."

She stopped suddenly and inhaled, her voice caught in her throat. "The initial reports suggest he'd been dead between six and nine hours. Alone, on the floor and none of you cared. No-one stayed at the hospital with him, he OD'd and you all just went about you lives like it was nothing." Her voice finally cracked as she sobbed. "He deserved better than all of you."

It had been an hour and Kim hadn't moved off the floor beside the closet. She listened to Makayla's quiet sobs for half an hour, she tried to talk to her and was met with stony silence so they just stayed.

Slowly the door opened and Makayla crept out and into Kim's arms. "I'm so sad."

Kim held her head against her chest. "I know, so am I. I miss Adam already. I'm going to miss his scrambled eggs, his dancing, his singing in the car."

"His silly walk?"

Kim nodded in agreement. "His silly walk."

"He said we were going to buy a campervan and blow this joint." They had always been talking about it, where they would go and they planned to visit the whole world. Makayla was concerned about how they'd get the campervan over the ocean and their plans were elaborate.

Despite her initial anger Trudy had been a pillar of strength as Kim negotiated living in an Adam free world. She often told her that he knew where he belonged and that was with her and that they were a family. Kim's guilt never abated but Trudy helped her see past it and focus on what he had bought to the table, what he'd bought to her life. Makayla, if it wasn't for them losing the baby then the likelihood of her having Makayla in her life was remote. Adam bought out the best of her. Adam helped her be a mother.

Two months later Kim looked over at Makayla in the front seat and nodded. "You ready?"

"Ready."

"Let's blow this joint."

She pulled out into traffic and the further they drove away from Chicago the freer they felt. It was spontaneous, exciting and terrifying all at once.

Her grief still felt like a burden, her guilt would sneak up of her and leave her breathless on the floor, unable to move or think. It felt all-consuming and insurmountable some days. It had hit her one day, shortly after his funeral that not only had she lost Adam but she'd also lost his child, the chance to still have a piece of him walking the earth and that had stopped her in her tracks. Having never really dealt with her miscarriage because she buried underneath her role in Makayla's life it flooded out of her like a tidal wave. Months and months of pent up trauma and heartache and grief all finally set free.

He had been right, she couldn't replace what they'd lost by taking in the little lost girl. It had been a long time since Kim had thought about that moment, when Adam tried to get her to confront her grief and trauma over her miscarriage.

Three days after they laid him to rest his words came back and he did and she cried for the child they'd lost and for the future they'd never have.

Makayla wasn't a mistake, she was a blessing and it had given her a glimpse into a future that she was never going to get now, their life as a family was easy, but it was real and it was all too brief. Makayla had been a crutch back then and she was now also her saviour.

But they couldn't live in Chicago without Adam, so they didn't.

They blew the joint.

Okay, sorry about all that. It was a bit of fun to write.

Honestly this just nagged at me...the stupidity of letting him go back to the UC apartment alone & once I get an idea I can't let it go.

So I've killed off both Kim & Adam in different stories... wonder who's next?