March 7, 1987
The bullpen was bustling this morning with lots of small cases, nothing too significant. Billy made sure to thank God for small blessings. He was down 2 agents, 2 damn fine agents since Amanda's death and having to place Lee on leave. It killed him to do it, but he had no other choice. If he had put Lee out in the field in his state of mind, he would be dead within the week. Sadly, Billy knew that perhaps that was what Lee wanted most, to be dead. Billy had seen Lee through many, many phases in his life. When he first met Lee, he was a younger, arrogant, emotionless agent that always got the job done. No case was too big for him, and he never got overwhelmed with the emotional side of things. As time went on, Lee matured a bit and even began to work with a partner. Lee and Eric worked efficiently together, but nothing like the team that Lee and Amanda made. One night, Eric went to a drop for Lee while Lee investigated a dead-end lead. Eric took a bullet that was meant for Lee, and it killed him. Billy recalled how shook-up Lee was after Eric died. He became hardened again and refused to ever work with a partner again. That was until fate brought Scarecrow and Mrs. King together. From the first moment that he saw Lee and Amanda together after the Mrs. Welch case, Billy knew there was something special about her and was drawn into using her again and pairing her with Lee. Almost from day 1, Billy could see Amanda's influence on Lee. She was getting through that cement exterior he had built for himself. Little by little, Lee changed and became a better man and a happier one. Everyone saw the change in him and knew that Amanda was the reason for it. Now, since Amanda's death, Lee was a shell of his former self. He was unlike Billy had ever seen him. Lost and without purpose to his life.
About 3 weeks after the funeral, Lee disappeared. Billy had a pretty good idea what he was doing, but not where he was. He was sure that Lee was looking for Addi Birol. His passport and travel documents were gone. According to the doorman at his building, Lee had prepaid for his apartment for the next six months and hadn't been seen since. There had been no word on Birol for months, not one whisper. Billy had Francine combing all the underground contacts daily to see if there was any word of Birol or Lee from any source, any at all. But not a peep. He half expected to get a red folder on Lee any day now. If Lee found Birol, only one of them would be left alive to tell the tale, that was one thing Billy was sure of. And Billy knew that Lee would give up his own life to avenge Amanda's death. Finding Lee before that could happen was Billy's goal, but not his expectation.
Francine came running into Billy's office carrying a piece of paper fresh off the printer.
"He's back!"
"Scarecrow? Back?" Billy said as he quickly stood and snatched the paper out of Francine's hand.
"He was seen coming through Dulles last night. Got in at…." Francine craned her neck to look at the paper in Billy's hand, "10:36pm."
"Well, where is he now?" Billy bellowed.
"We….don't know. He's not at his apartment. BUT it does look like he was there for at least a little while."
Billy began to pace around the office. Francine could see the wheels turning in his mind. On her own face was relief and excitement that Lee had been spotted and wasn't dead. After a very long few minutes, Billy stopped pacing and began to speak.
"I want to talk to him, but I don't want to spook him. Francine, I want YOU to go over to his place and see if you can find him. Ask his doorman if he talked to Lee. Let's find him and let him know we are here for him."
A huge grin broke out on Francine's face.
"You got it" she said as she dashed out the door.
"Thank you, Lord" Billy said aloud. "Now please help me to bring him in."
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Lee had been driving around aimlessly for the last 3 hours. It felt strange to be back. He wasn't sure why he came back. He had turned up no leads on Birol and it wasn't for lack of trying. Lee spoke to every low life, back-alley piece of trash that he could find. Lee found himself in very unsavory situations, his life was in danger on more than one occasion. He tried beating the information out of a few of the connections and received his fair share in return. He offered money, even was willing to commit treason by offering secrets if someone would point him in the direction of Birol, but he came up empty. Lee thought that he would return home for a while. Hell, maybe go back to the agency and see what kind of leads he could dig up with their resources. Next thing he knew, he was boarding a plane back to Washington.
His apartment was so empty and lonely. He had been alone for the last 3 months, but never felt as alone as he did when he walked thought the door of his own home. His apartment had become a place where he and Amanda could spend time together as a couple. They could express their feelings freely and they did so, often. Now, it didn't seem right to be here without her.
Lee tossed and turned all night long until he couldn't take it anymore. He got up, got dressed and headed out taking a cab to the storage unit where he left his car. Driving around Washington in the early hours of the morning on a weekend proved to be easy to do. There was little to no traffic and therefore easy to let one's mind wander. Once Lee began to pay more attention to his journey, he realized where he had arrived- Maplewood Drive, Arlington, Virginia. He stopped the car abruptly before he got to Amanda's house. He hadn't meant to come here. Seeing the white house, knowing that she wasn't inside, and would never again be there was too much. He couldn't handle it. Lee quickly turned the car around and left before making it to house number 4247.
As he drove away, he could feel the grief once again beginning to consume him. He had to remind himself to breathe. He knew only one person could help him and he realized that it was time to go see her no matter how difficult it would be.
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There was a definite chill in the air as Lee stepped out of the Corvette. The sun was barely peeking over the horizon making the sky a warm color full of orange, red, yellow, and pink hues. He breathed in slowly as he snuggled the flower bouquet he picked up along the way, closer to him and headed in the direction of Amanda's headstone. He hadn't been here since her funeral. He didn't remember much about that day as he was too consumed with grief. He did remember wanting to run as fast and as far as he could from there. How could Amanda be gone? It was never supposed to be her that died. In his mind, it was always him that would be the one to be killed in the line of duty. Never her. He had failed her. It was his job to protect her, and he failed.
Lee slowly approached the headstone. As he read the words "AMANDA KING", he involuntarily let out a choked sob.
"Oh, Amanda" he said in a whisper as he dropped to his knees. He carefully placed the bouquet of yellow flowers on her grave. He lightly ran his fingers over her name and let himself sit back on his heels. Like a tidal wave of grief, tears and gut-wrenching sobs began to flow out of him for the first time since she died, and he didn't try to stop them. He let them come. His stomach felt like it was being turned inside out from sadness. If he could have, he would have reached in and ripped out his own heart to save himself from feeling this pain. In that moment, he wanted to die, too.
"I'm sorry, Amanda. I'm so sorry! It should have been me! I should be in that ground, and not you" Lee cried out. "But you're not here, in the ground. Are you? Because Birol…."
Lee's emotions switched in a flash to all consuming grief to all consuming rage as he swore to Amanda that he would find Birol and kill him. But the rage was short lived as the grief took over once again. He hung his head as he sat there on the ground on Amanda's grave and cried. It was a true cathartic moment. Lee wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there with Amanda, but he didn't care. He had allowed himself to cry until no more tears would come. He lightly traced her name again with his fingers.
"I will always love you" he whispered to her.
Lee stood up and placed a kiss on top of the headstone. As he straightened himself upright and brushed the grass off his jeans, he heard a familiar voice speak to him.
"I wondered if I would ever find you here."
Lee whipped around to see Dotty West standing there smiling as she looked upon Lee's grief-stricken face. It took him a moment to comprehend what was happening. His eyes grew wide as saucers, and he had trouble forming his thoughts.
"Mrs…..Mrs. West?" he said dumbfoundedly.
"Dotty, please" she said as she extended her hand to Lee.
Lee nodded and reached out grabbing her small, warm, soft hand. She squeezed it ever so slightly as she once again smiled at him.
"I come here a few times a week. I often wondered if I would ever see you here, Mr. Stetson."
"Lee"
"I am glad I finally have, Lee."
"I was just visiting….." Lee's voice trailed off as his throat once again began to get tight. He could feel that he wasn't out of tears after all. He swallowed hard and willed them to not fall.
"Yes, I know. I saw you. I got here a little while ago and I didn't want to disturb your visit."
Lee looked at her suddenly embarrassed at what she may have seen.
"Well, I will leave you to your privacy, Dotty."
Lee began to take a step and she put her hand on his arm stopping him.
"NO! Please don't go. Please. We have a lot of things to talk about."
Lee looked at her confused.
"We do?"
"Yes, we do. And it all begins with a man in a red hat."
Lee could feel his stomach drop and his face must have shown the same.
"I'm sorry, what?" he asked.
"A man in a red hat" she repeated very slowly.
Lee searched his mind for a way to respond but was having great difficulty. He just looked at Dotty.
"I was…..I was cleaning out some of Amanda's things out of her bedroom when I came across what turned out to be her journal. Well, I know I shouldn't have read it, but curiosity got the better of me and I think I would like to talk to you about the things that were written in there. I was shocked at first, but I have to admit, the strange excuses and things going on over the last 3 years began to make a lot more sense."
Lee looked at his shoes as he stood there listening to Dotty. He nodded ever so slightly. He wasn't sure exactly what Amanda had written in the journal, so he was very hesitant to say anything in return.
"So, what do you say? Shall we go back to the house and talk?"
Lee snapped his head up and looked at Dotty.
"No! No….I can't…I mean…..I don't think going back to your house is a very good idea. Why don't we go back to my apartment instead? It's not very far from here."
Lee could not face going into Amanda's house. He could barely face talking to Dotty. He figured that his apartment would be the best solution where they could talk privately.
"Ok, sounds good. I will follow you."
