Lee opened the apartment door and allowed Dotty to enter before him. It was dark as the drapes were still closed from when he left a few months ago. He clicked on a light and asked her to have a seat.

"Can I get you something to drink? I have…." Lee thought about it. He wasn't sure what he had other than tap water. "Actually, I'm not sure what I actually have. Let me go check."

"No, Lee…..I don't need anything. Please sit down."

Lee nodded and took a seat on the chair while she sat on the couch. Dotty reached into her purse and pulled out a small book with a navy-blue cover. She looked at it for a moment and handed it to Lee.

"Is this?" Lee began.

"Yes. That's her journal." Dotty answered.

Lee looked at her with a confused expression. "You had it with you?"

Dotty let out a soft laugh. "Yes. I take it with me every time I go visit her. I find one of the stories in there that I want to know more about and ask her about it. I also would bring it with me hoping one of these times I would run into you, and I could ask you about the things in there myself."

Lee opened the book and began skimming the pages.

October 3, 1983

The strangest thing happened to me today at the train station. I was grabbed by a man in a waiter's uniform, and he begged me to give this package to a man on the train wearing a red hat. Of course, I didn't want anything to do with this man, but he looked so desperate….so I got on the train and of course there were 50 men on that train all wearing red hats….

Lee flipped further into the book.

December 1, 1983

.well, Lee and I found the house where I had been held. I still don't understand how anyone could mistake me for him. He's so much taller…..

December 25, 1983

.and I barely got home in time before the boys woke up and wanted to open their presents. This Christmas Eve is one I certainly never will forget. Poor Lee. Having to spend Christmas in the hospital. I think I will go visit him tomorrow, maybe bring him some food. Got to be better than sharing some beans in a cold cabin with a bunch of Russians….

February 2, 1984

Thank goodness I got my memory back! I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it was not being able to remember pieces of my life. The doctor told me that I was blocking out things that were emotionally complicated. I can understand Dean, but why Lee? Why does my brain think that working with him is emotionally complicated?

Lee kept turning pages. Each entry he read flooded his memories with Amanda and for a moment, it seemed as if she were there with him. The reality of her being gone hit him and he closed the book. He clenched his teeth and looked up at Dotty.

"There's lots of stuff about you in there, Lee."

Lee ignored that statement.

"What is it that I can do for you" Lee said flatly, bordering on cold.

"Well, you can tell me who my daughter really worked for. And please don't say IFF. I know that was some sort of fake job."

Lee leaned back and pondered the question. At this point, what harm would it do? Amanda was gone, Dotty had hard evidence right there in the book, why not tell her.

"Amanda worked for the government, as do I. I brought her on board that day that I gave her the package at the train station, just as she described."

"Doing what for the government?"

"She, uh….helped me on assignments that were given to me by my boss."

"And who was your boss? What kind of assignments? Some of the things that she has written in there make it sound like she was a spy or something."

"Intelligence operative" Lee answered back.

Dotty's eyes grew wide as she gasped.

"Excuse me?"

"Intelligence operative. We don't really use the word spy."

"So, I was right? Amanda was a spy….err ummm, intelligence operative!"

Lee smiled a very small smile and nodded.

"So, you are a spy, too?"

"Yes" Lee replied.

Her face quickly changed from that of excited discovery to that of grim realization.

"And one of these assignments…that is how Amanda..."

"Yes!" Lee said sharply as he got up from the chair and crossed to the window throwing open the drapes letting in the morning light.

"Oh, Amanda…" Dotty said softly.

"Yes" he said more softly. "I'm sorry but I can't tell you any more than that."

The truth was that he didn't want to tell her any more than that even if he was allowed to. He just stood at the window staring out at the street below. Many moments went by before either of them spoke.

"Was she a good spy?" Dotty finally said.

The last 3 years of working with Amanda began to filter through his brain. How should he answer this question? Lee walked back over to the chair and sat down.

"Well, at first….no she wasn't that good of a spy" Lee said as he acquiesced to using the term spy. "But she always had fantastic instincts. She had this way of looking at all the facts and seeing something that I never would have seen. And often, it would lead us to a big break in the case."

Lee sat back in the chair.

"She always had those instincts, even as a child."

"Our boss really took a liking to Amanda and kept using her more and more and pretty soon, we seemed to be working together all the time."

"But from the stories in there, it seemed so dangerous! Why didn't she ever say anything to me?"

"She couldn't. She wasn't allowed to and the more you knew, the more you and the boys would have been in danger."

Lee sat silently for a moment.

"I once asked her why she did this job. There were a lot better paying jobs out there that were a lot safer, and she told me that she felt like doing the job helped to make the world a better place for Phillip and Jamie."

Dotty wiped a tear from her eye.

"You should be proud of her. She did her duty and then some."

"Oh, Lee…..I AM proud. So proud. I am glad that I finally know the truth."

Lee played with his watch band for a moment before he spoke.

"She hated lying to you and the boys, you know. Every time she had to come up with some story, she felt really bad about it. It never became a second nature type of thing for her."

Dotty let out a small chuckle.

"She never could lie to me. I always knew if she tried. A lot of these stories were a bit hard to swallow, but I thought that maybe she had someone in her life that she wasn't ready to tell me about."

Lee inhaled sharply and clenched his teeth.

"And as I said earlier, there is a lot about you in this book, too Lee" Dotty said tenderly. "She loved you, and from what she said, you loved her, too. And from the look on your face at the funeral and now sitting here beside me, I would say that that is true."

Lee couldn't look at her. He just continued to study his watch band on his right wrist.

"She even wrote that she thought you were going to ask her to marry you sometime soon."

Lee continued to sit in silence. His throat was so tight that he doubted that he could even speak if he tried. He knew that if he even attempted to say a word, the flood gates would open with emotion, and he wouldn't be able to stop himself. Lee stood up and walked into his bedroom leaving Dotty alone on the couch. She sighed heavily and leaned back into the couch. Dotty hadn't meant to upset Lee, but she needed answers. There were so many unknowns surrounding Amanda's death and now finding out that she has been a spy for the last 3 years. It was all almost too much. Dotty rooted around in her purse and pulled out a clean handkerchief. She carefully wiped away the tears that were now freely flowing down her cheeks.

Unsure if she should go look for Lee, she stood up from the couch taking the journal with her. Just then, Lee emerged from his bedroom. He walked over to Dotty and put something in her hand. It was a small blue box tied with a white ribbon. Dotty looked at it and realized what it must be.

"Is this an engagement ring?" she asked.

Lee nodded.

"You WERE going to ask her to marry you!"

"Yes" he said in a very husky whisper. "She….I…." he tried to speak but could not. He looked at the ceiling as he cleared his throat repeatedly trying to stave off the emotion that was about to take hold of him. He felt his body tense without his permission. Breathing out in a slow, steady stream, Lee hoped that this would help him relax the muscles that were betraying his commands. He wanted to tell Dotty how much he loved Amanda, but he knew if he even tried to speak one more word, he would lose control over his emotions completely and he wouldn't do that in front of Dotty, or anyone.

Dotty noticed Lee trying very desperately to fight back his emotions. Her heart, already broken, began to break again, this time for the man that should have been her son-in-law.

"Lee, dear…come sit down. Let me get you a glass of water."

Dotty carefully guided him to the chair nearest to him and encouraged him to sit.

"Kitchen this way?" she said pointing to the door off the living room.

Lee nodded and off she went. He clenched his jaw so tightly he was sure he would crack a tooth. He then began another round of throat clearing as he held back the tears. Inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply a few times allowed him to regain some assemblance of control and he could feel his throat and gut begin to relax a bit. As he sat there, he stared at the blue box. He was planning on asking her to marry him as soon as the Nightcrawler case was resolved. They had some planned time off. Lee had a romantic get away planned for them at a hunting cabin owned by a friend of his. It was there that he would have asked her to be his forever.

"Here you go, dear. Drink some of this. It will help you to feel better" Dotty said as she handed him the glass of water.

Lee took the water and sipped it slowly. It really was helping. He could feel himself gaining control back over his emotionally wracked body. Dotty sat on the couch and looked at him with motherly concern.

Lee leaned forward and placed the glass on the table next to the engagement ring.

"Thank you" he said. "I'm sorry about that."

Dotty grasped his hand in hers.

"Oh, my no! You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing at all. I'm sorry that I upset you so."

Lee ran his thumb over Dotty's hand and smiled.

"You didn't upset me. I think you helped me, at least I'm hoping you have. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about losing her. She and I didn't make our relationship known at work out of fear of being split up and not being able to work together anymore. When she di…..when she went away, I had no one to talk to about it. No one to share my grief with. I didn't realize how much I need to do that until today."

"Lee, dear…I can't even imagine how hard this has been on you. I know how hard it has been on me and the boys, but at least we have had each other." Dotty let go of his hand and passed him the glass of water. "Here, take another sip."

Lee took the glass from her and drank. After a moment of contemplative silence, Lee began to speak.

"How are the boys? I have thought of them so often wondering how they have been holding up."

Dotty looked at the floor for a moment before she answered.

"Well, about as good as can be expected I suppose. Having Joe around has been a tremendous help. The boys have been going back and forth from staying with him to staying with me. This has been their choice. Once the school year is over, we can think about some more permanent solution. I would love them to stay with me in the house because it is their home that they have grown up in, but I understand the need and want to be with their father. Philip seems to be handling things better than Jamie. Jamie has always been the more sensitive one and he was closer to Amanda. I guess I shouldn't say it like that, they were both close to Amanda, but she and Jamie seemed to understand each other better. He has those same instincts about things and people that you said Amanda has…had."

Lee thought for a moment.

"They seemed to be her whole world. I know she loved them very, very much" he finally said.

Dotty smiled at Lee with tears in her eyes.

"Yes…..she did. Joe and I are trying to find things for the boys to do this summer. There is some sleep away soccer camp that Philip wants to go to, and Jamie is interested in a science camp that one of the Smithsonian's is offering. That one's a long shot though. His teacher told him not to get his hopes up because so many people apply."

Dotty just threw up her hands and shrugged.

Lee made a mental note to find a way to get Jamie into that camp. He was pretty sure a call to T.P. Aquinas would do the trick. As he looked at Dotty, he could see glimmers of Amanda popping through. It made him miss her so much in that moment but also so grateful that Dotty was there in his living room.

"Do they suspect that she worked for any place other than IFF? Have they seen this journal?"

Dotty shook her head.

"No, no….They don't suspect anything. And I wouldn't tell them."

"Good. I think it is best for their safety and yours if this conversation goes no further than right here."

Dotty nodded her head in agreement.

"Dotty…..how are YOU doing with all this? I can't believe how….calm and together you seem."

Dotty made a small laughing noise in her throat as she half smiled.

"Well, I think you just hit the nail on the head…as I seem. I'm not really very calm or together. I guess after a few months of dealing with this, I have been able to pull myself together for public appearances. The first month was…..hard to say the least. There were days when I didn't think I would survive it. I hope that each day I will be better. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not."

Lee nodded his head in understanding.

"It took me until 3 weeks ago to even go in her room. That's when I found her journal and things began to make more sense about the last 3 years, but then there were a lot of new questions, too."

Dotty picked up the journal and ran her palm over the cover.

"Lee, I'm going to leave this with you." He opened his mouth to protest. Dotty held up her hand to stop him, her fingers splayed. "I think you should read it. I really do. I think it will bring you some comfort."

She handed him the book and he reluctantly took it.

"Why don't you come over to the house for dinner tomorrow?"

"Oh, no. I can't" Lee interjected.

"Yes, you can. A nice homecooked meal is just what you need. And you can meet the boys. I know they would absolutely love to meet you."

"They know about me?" Lee asked with much surprise.

"They know of you. They know that there was a Mr. Stedman, sometimes referred to as Lee that made their mother smile, made her happy when they saw her talking to him on the phone. When they saw you at the funeral and they put a face with the name, well with Stetson, not Stedman, they became curious about you. They would really like to meet you."

Lee looked at the floor and shook his head slowly from side to side. The word no was forming on his lips.

"Lee, in case you were wondering where my daughter got her stubbornness from, it was from me. I will not take no for an answer. I think it will actually do you a world of good."

Dotty stood up from the couch and headed to the door. Lee followed close behind her.

"How about 6:30? I will make the roast and you bring the wine."

Lee opened his mouth to speak but was again cut off by Dotty.

"6:30. See you then!"

She opened the door and let herself out. Lee stood there speechless. He walked over to the window overlooking the street and watched Dotty get into her car and drive away.

He nervously ran his hand through his hair as he began pacing around the room. He opened the drapes that covered the other window in the living room. Now bathed in light, Lee could see a light coating of dust that had settled over everything while he had been gone. His eye was then drawn to the coffee table and the small box and journal that sat upon it. Lee grabbed the book and the box and brought it back into his bedroom. For a moment, he was tempted to read more of the journal, but didn't feel he could handle it right now. After getting no sleep and dealing with his various emotional rollercoaster rides today, he felt like a worn-out dish rag. The journal would have to wait until later or maybe never. Lee slipped the book and the ring into the top drawer of his dresser and once again began to pace around the apartment. He picked up the empty water glass and decided that he would refill it with something stronger. He placed the glass on the wet bar and selected a bottle of scotch to be his breakfast. Lee poured himself a double and took a sip. He was about to take another long pull on the beverage when there was a knock on his door.

Lee walked over to the door and looked out the peephole. He then let out a heavy sigh before opening the door.

"Lee! You're here!" Francine said as she threw herself into his arms.

Lee reluctantly hugged her back and let her into the apartment.

"Hi, Francine. Yeah, I'm here."

"Oh, thank God! We have been worried. You weren't here this morning when I stopped by."

"Yeah, well I was out. What can I do for you?"

"Billy sent me looking for you. When we heard that you were back in town, well we wanted to make sure you were ok."

Lee scoffed at this.

"OK? Do I look ok? How the hell will I EVER be ok again?" he sternly retorted.

Francine's blue eyes grew wide.

"Lee I only meant..."

Lee cut her off nodding.

"I know. I know what you meant. I'm sorry. It's just been…it's been a really rough morning."

Francine noticed the glass of scotch sitting nearby.

"Have you been drinking all night?"

"No…no I have been driving around Washington, DC all damned night. I only got back here a little while ago and I thought I would have a scotch or 2 or 5, take a shower and hopefully pass out for a while. I would ask you to join me, but I really don't want company. So now that you've seen me, you can tell Billy that I'm alive and go home."

Francine looked upon him with great sympathy.

"Lee, I know that Billy will want to talk to you himself. Why don't you come down to the agency?"

Lee's gut began to tighten again, but this time it wasn't from grief but from anger.

"NO! I'm not going down to the agency. You tell Billy that if he wants to talk to me, he can come here. But not this morning, or even this afternoon…..I need some time to myself."

Francine nodded in understanding.

"Well, then how about tonight?"

Lee knew he wasn't going to get out of this. He might as well get it over with. He let out a very heavy and agitated sigh.

"Ok….ok fine! 8:00pm. And tell him to bring dinner."