True to his word, Lee has 3 scotches and fell into a very deep sleep. As he climbed into bed, he wasn't sure if it was the scotch that was pulling him into a drunken stupor or if the overly emotional day he had had drained him of all his energy and resources. He decided it didn't matter and let himself drift off and sleep.
"Lee? Can you scratch my back for me? There, right at the shoulder blade."
Lee reached out and began to scratch Amanda's naked back as she lay next to him in his bed in the dark.
"A little higher…nope, over to the right. Yes! Right there! Aahhh! Thank you! I couldn't reach."
"My pleasure" Lee said as he continued to lightly rub her naked back. He ran his hand over her smooth skin admiring how soft it was. He could feel her relaxing as he continued.
"Mmmmm…. that feels nice" Amanda said in a drowsy tone.
"You're going to fall asleep" he said with a smile in his voice.
"No, I'm not. I'm just resting," said an even sleepier voice.
"Oh, I know about your just resting phase. Next thing you know, you will be waking up 5 hours from now."
Lee continued to rub her back but now moved lower. He began to rub his hands over her firm buttocks, gently squeezing them as he went.
"Hey, that's not fair!" she said. "I'm half asleep here"
"Do you want me to stop?"
"Why would I want you to do a thing like that? Keep going, but don't be offended if I fall asleep."
Lee smiled.
"I thought you were only resting."
She let out a very soft, very short laugh. Lee continued to caress her as she drifted off to sleep. Once he was sure that she was no longer awake, he gathered her into him and spooned behind her.
"I love you" he whispered into her ear and pulled her close.
Lee awoke abruptly from his slumber. He reached over to the empty side of the bed for Amanda. It took him a moment to realize that he had just been dreaming and his heart broke again for the 1,000th time that day.
The alarm clock read 7:18pm. He had slept a very long time, longer than he could remember doing in quite a while.
"Damn," he said contemplating Billy's approaching arrival time. Talking to Billy was something that he was not in the mood to do, but he knew he had to get it over with. Reaching up to scratch his face, he could feel the many days' growth of beard beginning to take over. Checking the time again, he decided that he did have time for a shower and maybe a shave. He knew Billy would be on time, if not early. He could already hear Billy saying, "Pull yourself together, man!" when he saw him unkempt and unshaven. Lee figured he would just oblige Billy before he even had to say anything and make himself a bit more presentable.
"Come on, Stetson. Might as well get this over with."
SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK
As if on cue, Billy knocked at the door promptly at 8:00pm. Lee stood up from his seat on the couch, ran his hand through his hair as he let out a heavy sigh, and walked to the door. Checking the peep hole first to make sure it was Billy, Lee opened the door.
"Right on time, I see" Lee said staring at his boss. They had not seen each other in a long time.
"May I come in?" Billy said with a cautious smile.
"Yeah, yeah….come on in" Lee aside as he stepped aside and let Billy enter.
The two men stood looking at each other somewhat awkwardly as much time had passed since they had been face to face. Lee was unsure what to say to Billy. Part of him was very glad to see his friend, another dreaded this visit with everything he was knowing that they would have to talk about Amanda.
Billy sensed Lee's uneasiness. He didn't want to cause Lee any more pain, but it was way past the time that they needed to talk.
"Chinese ok?" Billy said holding up the paper bag grasped in his hand.
Lee remembered that he told Francine to tell Billy to bring dinner. He, of course hadn't really meant that, but in the moment was very glad he came bearing sustenance. Lee let a small laugh escape his lips.
"Yeah. Sounds great. Why don't we go sit in the dining room."
Billy followed Lee to the dining room and began unpacking the food.
"Be right back," Lee said as he escaped to the kitchen to retrieve some plates, utensils, and two beers that had been sitting in his fridge.
"Hope beef and broccoli and orange chicken are ok. I didn't know what you liked. There is also some rice, egg rolls and maybe some lo-main in there, too" Billy said nervously as he tried to fill the awkward silence.
"Sounds great, thanks"
The two men sat at the table and ate. The conversation stuck to very safe topics such as what had been going on in people's personal lives from work, including who was Francine's latest conquest.
Tiring of this conversation, Lee began to clear the dishes. When Billy rose to help him, Lee indicated he should stay seated. Lee brought the dirty dishes into the kitchen and put them in the sink. He couldn't stall any longer. It was time to listen to whatever it was that Billy wanted to talk about and just get it over. Lee inhaled sharply and headed back out to the dining room.
"Can I get you a drink?" Lee offered.
"Sure. I'll have a scotch."
"Two scotches, coming right up."
Billy followed Lee into the living room and took a seat on the couch. Handing Billy a glass with a hearty pour of the amber liquid, Lee then took a seat in the chair adjacent to him.
"So…. What is it that I can do for you?" Lee said as he took a sip.
Billy swallowed the scotch in his mouth and then placed the glass on the coffee table.
"Well, I haven't seen or heard from you in 3 months, Lee. I'm worried about you, not to mention wanting to know where the hell you've been."
"Don't worry about me. I'm doing just fine." Lee said flatly.
"Come on, man! Talk to me! What's going on in here" Billy said as he gestured to his own temple.
Lee smirked and looked deeply into the glass in his hand. He didn't want to share what was going on in his mind, so he remained silent.
"Just talk to me. I know you're hurting. We all have been devastated since Amanda died."
With that Lee snapped his head up and shot a terrifying look at Billy.
"You ALL have been devastated? Oh, give me a break!" he said raising his voice substantially. "You and Dr. Smyth were so quick to count her off as dead! You didn't even look for her….or Birol!"
Lee stood up abruptly from his chair and began to refill his glass.
"That's not true and you know it! We turned this town upside-down looking for her. There has been no trace of Birol, or Amanda." Billy paused for a moment before speaking again. "And you of all people should know that, Lee. You've been running all over the world for the last three months looking for them."
Billy's voice was also raising in decibels. Realizing this he quickly reset his tone and volume on his voice. Lee was hurting and getting into a shouting match with him wouldn't help anyone. He watched as Lee quickly finished his second drink in 2 gulps and began pouring himself a third.
"Did you find any information at all?"
Lee looked at Billy and slowly shook his head.
"Nope. A few leads…. every one of them a dead end. I don't know how the hell Birol could have just disappeared…...like damned smoke." Lee took a sip of drink number 3. "I should have known. I should NEVER have put her in that van. It should have been me, damnit! It should have…"
Lee's voice began to tighten. He stopped speaking and quickly finished his drink.
"Scarecrow, you know that she wanted to be there. She knew what the risks were. Amanda was on the track to becoming a damn good agent. Hell, she already WAS a damn good agent. Birol outsmarted us all on this one. Even his lieutenants were out of the loop."
"Well, we should have gotten her back! It never should have gotten to where it did."
Lee's voice was loud and strained. He was on the verge of not being able to control his emotions. The anger he felt at the agency and himself combined with many glasses of scotch were all beginning to collide.
Billy began to speak softly as he stood and approached Lee.
"We sometimes lose agents in the field. You know that. We did everything right on this one. The moment Birol took Amanda, he knew she wouldn't be coming back. It was his plan all along whether he found out who Nightcrawler was or not."
"No…No, I don't accept that" Lee said sternly.
"You need to start accepting that! You are tearing yourself up from the inside out! Do you think that this is what Amanda would want for you?"
"Don't talk about what Amanda would want. You don't know, Billy…. you just don't…"
"I do know, Lee. I know that you loved each other. Hell, I've known that for a very long time. Probably longer than you two knew."
Lee looked at Billy with utter grief consuming his face.
"And I also know that she wanted to be an agent. You may have brought her into the job, but she loved being there. She wanted to be part of that mission, and she DID know the risks."
"But…." Lee began and stopped.
"Scarecrow, sit down" Billy said gently. "Meeting Amanda was…. well a gift from above. She certainly wasn't who you would have chosen for yourself, especially at the time, but she was exactly who you needed. She loved you and admit it or not, you loved her, too. She made you a better man, and a happier one. Happier than I have ever seen you."
Lee tried so hard to keep his emotions in check as he listened to Billy speak.
"And now…she's gone. It's completely unfair, but it is the reality. And she wouldn't want you to stop living and isolate yourself from the world. It's time that you start to heal and time that you begin to move on."
Lee swallowed hard three times in a row before he felt he could speak without his voice breaking.
"I don't know if I can" he said in a tone barely above a whisper.
"It will take time, but I know you can. And I will be there to help you."
Lee hung his head and made a gesture that slightly resembled a nod.
"I think you should come back to work. Get out of the apartment and back to a routine. And while you're there, you can talk to Dr. Pfaff."
"NO!" Lee said sternly. "I'm not talking to that quack!"
"Ok, then how about Dr. Morrow?" Billy quickly responded.
"Dr. Morrow? Who the hell is he?"
"SHE is one of our new psychologists. Hired a month ago. I think you would like her."
Lee opened his mouth to protest but thought better of it. As much as he did NOT want to talk to a shrink, he knew how good it felt today to talk to Dotty and be able to talk to someone about Amanda.
"Take a few more days, then come in on Thursday. Put in 2 days then have the weekend to see how you're doing."
Lee was quiet, contemplating Billy's offer. He knew that eventually he would have to go back. He was running out of resources to help him find Birol. With the agency computers and networks at his fingertips, he knew he would have a much better shot at finding the bastard.
"Can I think about it and let you know tomorrow?" Lee said with a slightly slurred articulation.
Billy smiled a slightly disappointed smile.
"OK. I will give you a call tomorrow afternoon. I hope that you will come back. It's time."
Billy looked at the empty glass on the coffee table and was reminded of how many drinks Lee had and in a very short amount of time.
"But I think you're right. You should think it over." Billy looked at his friend. "It really is good to see you, Lee. I know you're hurting, and I promise you I will help you through this. And not just for your sake but for Amanda's, too. It's what she would have wanted."
Lee looked up at Billy with heavy eyelids and nodded.
"Get some rest. You look exhausted." Billy stood up and placed his hand on Lee's shoulder. "I'll show myself out."
