The morning light streamed into the living room, waking Lee who had fallen asleep on the couch. It took him a moment to realize where he was and how he got there. Last thing he remembered was talking to Billy about returning to the agency. Next thing he knew he was waking up on the couch with a dull yet pounding headache. Noticing the empty glass and the now empty bottle of scotch beside it, Lee had a pretty good idea why he had what he quickly realized to be as a hangover.
He sat up slowly. His elbows perched on his knees; he cradled his head between his hands.
"Damn it" he whispered to himself.
Lee stood up from the couch and steadied himself. His equilibrium was not quite there this morning. He gingerly walked into the bathroom and began to splash some cold water on his face and rinsed out his mouth trying to get the stale scotch taste out.
"Oh man…..never again" he muttered as the thought of another glass of scotch made his stomach flip.
Lee took a long, hot shower and let the water wash over him. The only good thing about the hangover was that he was so busy thinking about how terrible he felt that he wasn't thinking about Amanda.
After a long while, he shut off the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. Grabbing his toothbrush and applying a generous amount of the spearmint flavored paste, he brushed his teeth and then looked at his watch that was sitting beside the bathroom sink.
"7:00am? Damn I thought it was a lot later than that."
Lee went into his bedroom and pulled on a pair of sweats and his favorite Georgetown t-shirt with the faded bulldog. As he shut the drawer from which he retrieved the clothes, he remembered what was waiting for him tucked away in the top drawer- Amanda's journal. Slowly, he pulled the drawer open, as if it could explode at any moment. There it was, just as he left it yesterday. In it were Amanda's inner most thoughts. Dotty mentioned that there were many entries about him in there. He wondered if he had the strength to read them. He reached in the drawer and grabbed the blue book, running his fingertip around the edge of the cover. He settled onto his bed and opened the book to the last entry.
October 31, 1986
It's hard to believe that my boys are now too old for Trick-or-Treating. It seems like yesterday that they would plan out their costumes 2 months in advance. And now, look at them. So grown up. Where has the time gone? Before you know it, they will be all grown up and moving on with their own lives. I'm proud of them. I'm proud of the young men they've become. I've tried my best to be the best mother I could to them. I never could have done it without Mother. Where would we be without her? I hope that all the time that my job takes me away from them will be worth it in the end. Maybe someday I can tell them what really took their mother out of the house all those nights and weekends.
And speaking of my job, today Edna D'Angelo came up to the QB to bring Lee his revised pension plan-with the addition of another salary and 2 dependents. She made it very clear that she thought Lee was going to be getting married soon. Oh man, did my heart begin to flutter! Lee and I have hinted and danced around the topic of marriage for the last couple of months. I think that this time it's more than just talk. Lee looked very surprised to see her when he walked in and saw her there with his papers. He rushed her out of the QB as quickly as he could and then read the documents in silence. I tried to keep myself from smiling, but I just couldn't. He noticed and smiled back. I think this is it. I think he is going to ask me to marry him. And of course, I will say yes. I love him more than I realized it was possible. I thought that I was totally and completely in love with Joe when we got married, and I did love him. But compared to how much I love Lee, well it's totally different. Maybe it's because it took us so long to confess how we felt…...no. I don't think that's it. I think that I love him because for me he is what I have been looking for my whole life. I am incredibly lucky.
Getting late and we have a big job to do tomorrow. I can't wait. I know Lee gets nervous when we have to be separated during an assignment, but I'll be ok.
Lee stared at the words on the page. He ran his fingers over the words knowing they were the last thing she wrote…the last night she spent in her home, never to return.
Lee began to flip through the other pages of the book, catching a word or sentence here and there. Each entry tore at his heart and punched him in the gut. He snapped the book shut and tossed it to the other side of the bed. As much as he longed to read Amanda's words, he just couldn't do it. It hurt too much.
As he lay staring at the ceiling, the walls began to feel as if they were closing in on him. He was in no state of mind nor body to try and get some more rest. He needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Grabbing his keys, he headed out the door and to destinations unknown.
SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK SMK
The city streets were starting to get congested with the commuter traffic. Lee tolerated the stop and go driving for a bit but then determined that his patience wasn't up for this pace this morning. He pulled off the main drag and began to drive around the back roads. They were much less busy than the city streets. Lee pushed the accelerator further towards the floor and listened to the silver car's engine purr. The streets that he chose to take were curvy, hilly, and fun to drive and the car handled each one of them with no issues at all. He looked at the speedometer as the red needle passed 55mph and worked its way up to 60 then 65. He knew he should slow down. These roads had posted speed limits of 40mph but at that moment, he didn't care…75, 80, 85…the trees and rocks began to go by in a blur. The faster the car went the better Lee began to feel. Logic told him to slow down but he didn't want to. He wanted to drive faster and faster. Up ahead in the road, he knew there would be a sharp turn. He would often test the car's capabilities on this curve. The road was always isolated, and Lee could really put the pedal to the medal. He barely had to apply any pressure to the gas pedal to make the car lunge forward as he began to hug the curve. Just as he rounded the curve going 92mph, Lee was faced with a very large herd of deer crossing the lonely and quiet road. They saw him coming and watched, not moving as the silver Vette raced toward them. Lee quickly slammed on his brakes, causing the car to begin a slight fishtailing motion. His defensive driving kicked in and just at the last second was able to turn the car, skidding to a halt sideways across the road, a cloud of dust engulfing the car and the last of the deer as they ran down the hill to the pasture.
Lee sat for a moment, breathing heavily, and scanning the road in front of him. He could feel his heart pounding in his throat.
"Damn…that was close" he said softly.
He leaned his head back against the headrest and slowly blew out his breath. Noticing that a car was coming down the road, Lee turned the car around and continued down the road.
Before heading home, Lee decided to make a stop. He knew that he had a lot of things to talk about…...with Amanda. He headed back to the cemetery and to her grave. This time he felt much more prepared as to what to expect when he went there.
He walked up to her grave. The flowers he brought to her yesterday were still there. Reading her name on the headstone was still shocking but didn't punch him in the gut like it had when he first saw it.
"Hey there, beautiful. I know I was just here yesterday but…. well, I couldn't think of anywhere else I wanted to be right now than with you." Lee swallowed hard and blew out his breath in a hissing noise. "I thought this was supposed to get easier. I still miss you so much. It wasn't supposed to be this way, you know. If either of us went, it was supposed to be me. I haven't been back at work since…since it happened. Billy came by yesterday and thinks I should come back. I don't know if I can be an agent again, not without you. Everything in that building will remind me of you."
Lee was quiet for a moment. He ran his finger over the top of the rose-colored marble stone.
"But I'm not ready to give up on this, not yet. I'm going to find Birol and MAKE him tell me what happened to you or die trying. I tried on my own, but I got nowhere. If I go back to the agency, I can use their resources and hopefully pick up the trail again."
Lee looked up into a near-by tree as he heard the squawk of a blue jay sounding some sort of alarm. Seeing no danger or even another person, Lee continued his conversation.
"Funny thing happened yesterday. I met your mother here. She demanded that we talk about some things she found in your journal. Caught me off guard. I never knew you even kept a journal. She left it with me to read. I tried but it was too much. Your mother read it cover to cover. She asked me about the man in the red hat, and then the questions just kept coming after that. At first, I was very uneasy about talking to her and about the agency. I just didn't see a way out of it…You know…...she's EXACTLY like I imagined her to be? Except…. I never expected her to be so…...so kind to me. I saw so much of you in her. It was comforting and…very painful at the same time. Talking to her was the first time I've talked to anyone about you…... going away. She had a lot of questions about us, and our jobs…and if we were going to get married…...She wants me to come over for dinner tonight and meet the boys. I tried to say no, but she said that you got her stubbornness from her, and she wouldn't take no for an answer."
Lee leaned his head back and looked at the sky as he let out a heavy sigh.
"Is that what you would have wanted, Amanda? For me to meet the boys. Part of me, a BIG part of me, thinks it would be so much better for them if they never knew me. But your mother insists that they want to meet me, and it will be good for us all. To be honest, I don't want to go into your house without you there. You should be there Amanda…you should be there with your sons and your mother."
Frustrated, Lee ran his hand through his hair and began to pace back and forth. Images of Amanda began to run through his head like a slideshow. It was almost too much. He pinched the bridge of his nose putting pressure on his eyes trying to fight back the tears.
"Ok, I'll go" he said as he lifted his head and looked at her name. "I'll go meet them. I'm just not sure what to expect. And I will tell Billy I will come back to work. But the moment I get so much as a whiff about Birol, I am going to hunt him down, Amanda. I swear to you, I will NOT let that rest. I will avenge you even if it is the very last thing I ever do."
