Fuck.

I mean, seriously, fuck! Of course this would be happening to me. Of fucking course.

Not only left humiliated by Otis basically not caring enough about me to want to be with me, but now left pregnant by him.

Ugh!

And I mean, there's no way I'm keeping the baby… I just… it's so much harder knowing that it's his. I know how stupid it sounds but if it was someone like total idiot Tom Baker, I wouldn't even think about the fetus- no group of cells- supposedly growing inside of me.

But it being Otis's… the only guy- the only person I'd ever loved besides my family. And he'd hurt me more than anyone too. The feelings were still all too familiar. As much as I didn't want to be around him, because it was painful, I also caught myself hoping to catch glimpses of him, little moments where he doesn't know I'm there, but I can at least see him. Stupid fucking feelings! Why did Otis even have to ask me to be official in the first place? To only break up with me like a week later.

I would never be able to tell Otis… but then again who would come with me to the abortion? Me and Anwar and Olivia had gotten much closer recently, finally letting them into my life further, but I didn't really want anyone to know about this. No one.

Otis had been pretty under the radar lately. Maeve had left for America and he seemed to just stick to Eric.

I mean I could tell my parents?

No, no way. I push that thought out of my mind. My father would be so disappointed in me and my mother is slightly religious and I feel like she'd try to turn it into a good thing.

I was in the bathroom at our new school, Moordale Prep, right now. I had to find some way to dispose of the test. It's the type of thing that would make rumors run rampant. Mr. Groff had opened the school. Despite the fact we all used to think he was a major uptight bastard, he's actually a very good headmaster. A fair one, and a non discriminatory one. Almost all of us had switched over to this school, it was smaller, a newer building, but the same type of Moordale drama. They'd also gotten Otis's mom to be our SRE guest speaker, which certainly was better than Hope's old fashioned, useless approach.

If Otis wasn't her son I may even talk to Mrs. Milburn about this when he was at school, but there was no way I'd risk her telling Otis.

I suppose there was one person I could maybe ask. And it was a stretch. Seriously like the last person I would ever think I would be talking to. But I got his number at the bowling date to discuss Kim's new surrogate baby, so I could reach him.

Thinking about Kim's surrogate pregnancy reminded me exactly why I'd never ever wanted to be in this situation. I'd told Jean that day in Otis's house. Having a baby would be uncomfortable, claustrophobic, not to mention detrimental to the body I'd worked so hard on. It was not going to happen. Then I remembered exactly what else I'd told her. That I'd never want to get pregnant because you'd be tied to the guy your whole life, and what if he turned out to be a colossal asshole? I mean guys are pretty much all like that. The one guy I thought was different ended up hurting me that absolute most I'd ever been hurt in my life.

A single tear drips down my cheek as I pull my phone out to text Adam, someone I'd never thought I would connect with, but here we are.

Ruby: Hi Adam. I was wondering if we could talk later? As soon as possible.

At least Eric and Adam were broken up now and Adam wouldn't tell Eric who would in turn certainly babble it to Otis.

Suddenly I heard people coming into the bathroom and I sit up, alert, climbing onto the toilet seat so they don't see my feet.

I fumble, and end up dropping the pregnancy test on the ground.

Shit!

Oh my god.

"What was that?", I hear one girl say.

Then a pause.

I don't move a muscle.

"I don't know, probably nothing. I've been meaning to ask you… do you think Otis Milburn is cute? I mean I don't really see it, but he somehow hooked up with Ruby"

"God, Anna no way. Go for Steve, I think Aimee just broke up with him".

I have to keep from snickering slightly while worry rises in my chest.

Leave! I think. Leave and do not look on the floor!

Finally I hear the door shut and I sigh deeply.

That was close. I pick the test up and shove it in my purse as the bell rings.

I quickly look in the bathroom mirror, smooth out my hair and put on some lipgloss till I look perfect. Like this never happened, like it isn't happening.

I hear the rush of people outside the bathroom door as people walk to their different classes. I walk out the bathroom door, still shaking and not paying attention to what's around me, as I walk into someone going the opposite way as me.

I come back to reality. And kneel down to pickup my books and my purse that fell out of my hand.

"Hey, I've got it don't worry", It's a familiar voice, and then a familiar touch on my arm, sending shivers throughout me.

I look at him.

"No, no", I object, not wanting him anywhere near the pregnancy test in my purse. "I've got it Milburn, I don't need your help".

I didn't want to come off as rude to him. Especially when I feel like he was one of the few people who knows that I'm not really like that.

"Yeah… okay. Of course… I know you don't", Otis stammers looking at me awkwardly and handing me one of my books. "How've you been?"

I sigh slightly.

"Alright", I say quickly. "Gonna be late for class though".

"Yeah, you're right", Otis nods. "Well see you sometime. I hope you're having a good day".

I look at him and give him a small nod and smile before walking down the hall away from him, collecting myself.

My phone pings suddenly.

Adam: Yeah what's up? I didn't think there was a new episode of The Kardashians until the spring?

I reply quickly.

Ruby: It's not about that. I'm going through something. And I need you to help me.

Adam: Okay. I don't really know what I can do, but sure.

I smiled slightly at Adam's willingness to help me. I'd never thought I would be going to Adam Groff for emotional support.

Ruby: Thanks. After school today? By the bike racks?

Adam: Sure. See you there.

Thank god.

I sit all the way through chemistry fidgeting and with my mind in a different place.

It'll all by fine you'll just get an abortion as soon as possible and then you'll be fine Ruby. You'll totally and completely forget that Otis Milburn ever happened and ever left a mark on you, I try to soothe myself.

"Rubes what the fuck are you doing?", Olivia questions me as I tap my foot on the ground excessively.

Anwar sitting in front of me also looks like he's judging me.

"I'm fine. Just really stressed about our test next week", I say, hoping they won't notice I'm lying.

"When have you ever cared about a test?", Anwar rolls his eyes at me.

"Well I'm trying to be a better student… y'know with university next year and everything", I say and they seem to shrug and believe it.

Finally the bell rings and I hoof it to get to the bike racks to see Adam, but wait slightly until most people leave school.

Finally it's just a couple other students and me and Adam.

"Hey Adam", I say quietly. "Thanks for meeting me. I've kind of gotten a shock today".

"What's going on?", He asks.

"Well…", I now whisper. "I took a test and apparently I'm kind of pregnant I guess".

His face changes from his usual blank expression to shock.

"Wait what? With Otis?", He asks.

"Yeah", I sigh. "So I want to book an abortion, but I need someone to take me home after. They literally don't let you leave without someone, I've heard".

"So you want me to be there?", He seems a bit surprised.

"You don't have to be there for the procedure… just be there to pick me up at the end", I say. "You don't have to do anything at all, just show the nurses that I have someone to make sure I get home okay".

He seems to ponder this for a moment.

"Why can't Milburn take you?", He questions.

I roll my eyes.

"Well I didn't tell him Adam! There's absolutely no way I'm going to, so don't even try", I say.

"Alright, I'm in. I just think you should think about telling him… I'm not the biggest fan of Milburn but doesn't he like… deserve to know or whatever?", he stumbles over his words slightly.

"Gosh Adam it's 2021, I don't need his approval", I argue.

"I know that, but honestly I think he'd be better at this stuff than me… and you know him well", Adam says.

"Well he would just come with me out of pity… and I can't stand to barely look at him… so there's no way Adam", I look down so Adam doesn't see the way tears spring to my eyes slightly.

"I get it", He surprises me. "I know what it's like to be hurt. And what it's like to miss someone".

"I don't miss him", I say quietly and shrug. "Only sometimes".

"Well think about it a bit. Maybe he'd surprise you. But I'm there, just let me know what day and where", He says.

"Thank you Adam. Seriously, this means a lot to me", I smile at him. "I'm going to call when I get home and I'll text you".

He nods and we say goodbye.

As I walk to my car, I hear Eric's voice. He's always quite loud. Then I look and see him and Otis walking their bikes down the road, laughing about something.

I sigh.

God, Ruby. Why do you even care about this guy so much?

He obviously didn't care about me.

A tear runs down my cheek as I curse myself and get in my car, driving home as fast as I can.

When I get there, I look in my dad's bedroom to see him sleeping. I smile slightly.

God my dad had been so happy that I'd found someone like Otis to date. I remember him telling me how happy he was that I'd found such a nice guy.

That was the worst part of it all. I couldn't hate Otis because despite everything he did to me, I still thinks he's a good guy deep down. It would be so much easier if he was a horrible person, someone I could hate.

I walk to my room and shut the door quietly as to not wake my father.

I search up the number for our local abortion clinic. Girls had thrown around the name at school. I'm pretty sure it's not new for people our age to go there. I dial the number.

"Moordale Women's Clinic, Karissa speaking?"

"Hi", I feel like there's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow down. "I was wondering when was the soonest I could book an abortion?"

I talk quietly. I would die if my father heard.

"Alright. Of course… We have an opening Friday at 11am?", Karissa says.

"Yes I'll take it. I just want it out of me", I sigh slightly in relief.

"Of course hun. Don't worry we're here for you. See you Friday", She says.

"Thank you", I hang up.

Friday. That was just two days from now.

Two days until absolutely nothing will tie me to Otis anymore.

Some stupid part of me was almost sad about that. Ugh, who was I kidding? A huge part of me was sad about that, even though I wish I wasn't.

But I still didn't want to tell him. I couldn't handle it.

I lay down on my bed for a while, drifting off to sleep.

Some part of me thought that maybe this was still just a sick dream.