June 26th, 2005, Musashi Shrine, Tokyo Manji territory, Tokyo.
21h02
The sky flares into beautiful shades of purple, pink, gold, and red, casting odd shadows over the stairs of the Musashi shrine that Ren itches to paint, but the time is not right, and he will forever mourn the moments he could never capture. Haruhi has gone already, and Ren wonders if he will stop for a moment before he leaves to watch the sunset he will inevitably miss. But now is not the time to think about these things, and Ren resigns himself to having a conversation he would rather never have.
When Renge approaches the 2nd Division Captain of Toman on the eve of his first fight with the gang, it is desperation that directs his steps and inhabits his every breath. Desperation, along with the only advice his most cunning friend within the Black Dragons gave him before he entered Toman – "I don't think the 2nd Division Captain will begrudge you your ties with us, and even if he does, I don't think he will use you in a way that will harm you, " he'd said, and Renge had easily recognized the speculative glint in his eyes. He knew his friend well enough to understand that there were many things that he deliberately chose not to tell him and that he would have to trust him or fall on his own accord. It was not much of a choice, but Ren was used to being in such a position. The familiarity of it all was almost unbearable.
They stand by the shine after the last meeting before the fight with the RedDevils, a small neighboring gang that got too ambitious for their own good. Most of the other boys are gone, but some linger in the parking lot, huddled in little groups to chat their nerves away. Renge would have liked nothing more than to leave quickly and spend the night watching silly movies with Haru or painting in his room.
His teeth chatter, but he says with enough confidence to not sound like he just lost a bet against himself "Thank you for accepting to meet me here Mitsuya-san."
It was a well-known fact within Toman that there were not many people who did not stay in the division they were first assigned to, especially if Mikey himself had made the decision. But it was not unheard of either, and it would have to be enough. Ren knew that he could not expect to stay within the 5th division and retain his position on the sidelines of whatever game the higher-up of Toman meant to play.
"You're welcome." he says pleasantly, "Haru told me a lot about you" Mitsuya pauses, a speculative glint in his eyes "I'm curious to hear what you want from us," he says and Ren's tongue feels like lead.
Ren knows that what's given can be taken and what can be taken will be taken eventually, so he knows that he will have to be excessively convincing in order to obtain what he wants and keep it. It does not help, but it is true so the weight of his decisions presses on his back and cuts through his muscles like knives, but he does not buckle.
In the end, asking for an opportunity to change Division might be easier than expected since Haruhi had been easily accepted within the 2nd Division upon Mitsusya's request and Mucho did not seem to be interested in him in the slightest, which was most definitely a good thing as well. He might not oppose his transfer.
"So, what do you want with us?" the gray-haired boy asks, and for a brief moment, the only thought that crosses his mind is that it's the first time he sees this exact shade of cold silver on somebody's head.
It brings to mind distorted flashes of his mother's faded silver-gold hair and of her back turned to him on the day she left. It evokes memories of running his fingers through bleached white curly hair and of piercing cold purple eyes that make him shiver in want, something dark and forbidden coiling at the pit of his stomach.
(More precisely, it reminds him of a song his mother used to sing in Russian. He can't remember the exact words, but it was about a wolf ready to take him from his bed, a white-coated wolf with steel eyes and razor teeth, and he thinks of the many things that were born from this fear, starting with his desires. Of course, this is what brings to mind the picture of the boy with white curly hair that looks like danger and salvation wound together, a storm made flesh)
The gray-haired boy looks at him questioningly, eyes a different shade of lavender, as if he could already perceive his concealed unease, the building unrest below his skin. He shoots a knowing glance to the scarred boy standing next to him, and the other boy merely shrugs in response but his eyes harden and he steps closer to the white-haired boy and something clicks. The vice-captain of the 2nd division glances at him and turns his gaze to Mitsuya, waiting for a sign to take action. Mitsuya looks at him fondly and clasps a hand on the boy's shoulder before he turns to Renge, and Ren sees.
His stance is protective and he sees love in his eyes, refracted fragments of his own self, and in a heartbeat, he realizes that the 2nd division vice-captain loves the silver-haired boy. Good for him, Ren thinks. You can't fight alone, you can't do anything on your own in this life. Either you love or you walk around half-blind looking for your missing parts.
He would be a hypocrite if he said he didn't understand love, and so he instantly knows that their love is dangerous, that it could damn him. But this is another thought for another time, and part of him still hopes. Surely, surely they will understand why he needs to be with Haru. His heart clenches in his chest in apprehension
"So? What did you have to tell us?" he repeats.
A few moments pass and Ren wonders if it will always be like this, the dread pooling in his guts, the vertigo of standing on the frontier of two antagonistic worlds. But maybe it is not as complicated as he makes it out to be in the end. Toman is Haru's hope, and although Ren wants to experience hope as well, he needs Haru more than anything else. He takes a deep breath and his gaze dips into slanted lavender eyes.
(Oh well, he never wanted to go outside today anyway)
"My friend's part of your division. We've never been apart from the moment we met," he says softly and that much is true. It's true, and the low thrill of telling the truth chills his bones.
There is nothing else he can say now that would not endanger him, he knows. But he needs Haru, and no matter how selfish, how foolish entering Toman might be, he cannot let them take Haru away from him. Ren knows very well that it is a fine line he is walking on, but love is love (until it becomes possession, but this, this is a line of thought better left alone).
"Could I join your division too so we can be together again?" he adds, his voice full of uncertainty, and Ren's eyes flicker to the scarred boy next to the 2nd division captain. His features are familiar. He must have seen him before, but he can't remember where and this could be a problem, he thinks alarmingly. Then suddenly, the boy's eyes flash with recognition and a deep scowl appears on his face, and this expression looks even more familiar. He wants to take a step back, but the boy's hand shoots at him and he grabs his arm to prevent his escape.
"Wait. I've seen you before" he spits out and acid pools at the pit of his stomach. He's now sure that he has never seen the boy before, he would remember his striking blue hair and scarred face. So how did he know him? Why does he look so furious? The boy spits on the ground at his feet, shaking him roughly "I saw you in Nakano two weeks ago. With my brother ."
It is only then that Renge realizes that the boy wears Taiju Shiba's scowl on his face. Ren only remembers what went down in Nakano as a blur of terror and violence, so he is not surprised he didn't recall seeing the boy on Shiba's side. Although the rational, realistic part of him knows Taiju Shiba certainly would not have killed him for simply being on Black Dragon territory, the man had been terrifying.
The encounter was never meant to happen in the first place. He never went on Black Dragon territory anymore these days, and it had been an accident that they ended up crossing over their borders. They should have known better. There had been hell to pay, Renge was sure, and he knew that his friend was most probably still paying the price for their mistakes. They both knew that Taiju had no idea he was part of Toman so it could have been worse.
"Oh? That's nice" The silver-haired boy says ironically "Can you explain? How the hell do you know Hakkai's brother who also happens to be the Black Dragon's commander?" he drawls, hard purple eyes focused on him with renewed intensity.
"Don't bother. Taiju probably wants him close to keep tabs on me" Hakkai spits out, his hands closing around Renge's throat with a punishing grip. The boy does not squeeze so hard that Renge risks passing out, but the threat is present, and he thinks Hakka would not hesitate to knock him out before he could try to explain himself.
"I… it's not like that" Ren chokes out and Hakkai squeezes tighter in a warning. This was not what he expected, and the discussion had gone horribly wrong very fast, but he now understood why his friend had told him that he would be safest within the 2nd Division. He could work with them. "Lemme explain" he wheezes out, his vision starting to go white from the lack of oxygen.
"Hakkai, ease up," Mitsuya says softly, and Hakkai instantly relaxes his grip enough for Ren to take a shaky breath. "Let's hear him out, okay?" he adds.
"Your brother is fucking scary, you know" Ren blurts out, still a little dizzy. He pauses, massaging his throat "one of my close friends is part of the Black Dragons," Ren reluctantly admits, knowing full well that this would inevitably get him in trouble. He did not expect anyone in Toman to have witnessed what happened in Nakano. It was a loose end he did not even know existed. That fucker must have known, he thinks bitterly, but he did not think to tell him about Hakkai when he advised him to go to Mitsuya.
"We got caught up in this mess," he adds truthfully "I've met your brother once in my life and I don't ever want to see him again. I swear it's true," Hakkai's eyes narrow in suspicion, but the silver-haired boy seems to be willing to believe him.
"Do you really think he'd want anything from me?" Ren asks softly "He took one look at me and called me a fucking cocksucker, he said people like me burn in hell. He doesn't know I'm part of Toman. I swear I was just hanging out with my friend and we stumbled upon them. Someone must have seen us and told him"
Mitsuya looks at him speculatively, "It does sound like something Taiju would say," he finally admits.
"...It does," Hakkai reluctantly agrees, eyes still full of suspicion.
"There's still something that bothers me though," Mitsuya says pensively, running a hand through his hair.
"What?" Renge asks, his throat suddenly dry.
"Taiju Shiba doesn't deal with just anyone personally. He wouldn't have looked your way if you were a nobody." Mitsuya says evenly, but with a hard glint to his eyes, "Yea, if you truly were a nobody, even spitting at you would be a waste of breath" he pauses, looking him up and down "I don't think you and your friend would have been able to come home in one piece that day if he was truly pissed at you. But that's not what happened, right?" he smiles ironically, "you don't look too messed up"
A few moments pass and Renge wonders how it came to this. He was not prepared to handle this type of situation.
"See, that's the strange thing. I know for a fact that you're no one important. That leaves us with your friend who's gotta be someone who matters enough to Shiba to get away with bullshit. So tell me, who's your friend exactly?" Mitsuya asks softly as if they were not speaking treason. As if it were not reason enough to get him beaten within an inch of his life. As if he would not be a dead man walking if Mucho, his current Captain, heard about it.
That would be a problem. It would be dangerous for them to dig deeper into his connections with the Black Dragons.
"That's…" Ren takes a deep breath, struggling to find the right words. Well, there were no right words, nothing he could say to diffuse the situation. He was fucked.
"I can't tell you actually," he says awkwardly, fully expecting to be punched. Hakkai's hand closes again on his throat, but Mitsuya stops him before he can choke him again. "I really really can't, because if you know and someone from the BD learns that you know, he'll get into trouble with Taiju Shiba, and I can't be responsible for that." Ren says honestly "The Black Dragons aren't kind to their traitors. So I'd rather be in trouble with you than let my friend get into trouble with them," he adds, and it's true. They would not kill him, Ren knew that much, and it was all that really mattered at this point, "You were not supposed to know I have connections within the Black Dragons in the first place," he says and the hand on his throat squeezes threateningly again, "I was never supposed to be at Nakano two weeks ago," he repeats.
"You're doing a really bad job at convincing us that you're not a traitor or anything, you know" Mitsuya remarks flatly.
"I'm not trying to convince you of anything at this point," Ren laments "just telling the truth" he adds "look, I don't want to stay with the 5th because they're bound to get up my ass for that very reason at some point. And you," he pauses, "you are connected with the Black Dragons too anyway. The safest place for me in Toman is by your side because people from the BD already expect you to know about their dealings to some extent"
"Ah? What kind of logic is that? I'd say it's the opposite," Mitsuya wonders out loud, grabbing the collar of Ren's shirt to bring him closer to his face. Hakkai's hand tightens on his throat, "between Hakkai and you, you're still the likeliest traitor," his voice is deceptively soft, it sends shivers down his spine.
"Hear me out" Ren wraps his fingers around Mitsuya's hand to ease his hold. Hakkai scowls at him, but the hand on his throat slightly relaxes. Ren takes it as a sign to start talking.
"Look, I'm not here to spy on anyone. I want to be part of Toman because Haru is here and I go wherever he goes. I don't care about many people, but I care about him and I want to be there for him. I can't do much, but I can do that much," Ren chokes out, "I also care about my friend in the Black Dragons so I won't tell you anything about him, because it could get him in trouble with Shiba-san and I can't allow that. I won't, and there's nothing you can do to make me talk," he looks straight into hard lavender eyes, and his voice slightly cracks, "I swear "
"You're really stupid, you know"
"If you let me go to your division it'd be easier to keep an eye on me. You can think of my connection as a threat to you, but it could be useful"
He laughs "I ought to have you kicked out of Toman"
"Haru would follow me" Ren blurts out in desperation and Mitsuya frowns deeply at that.
"So you admit you don't have any worth by yourself? You say you care about your friend, but you don't seem to mind dragging him all that much. You're fine being a deadweight? Then we're better off without you." Mitsuya drawls, and Ren flinches "Listen to me closely, losing Haruhi would be a pity, he's a great fighter and a good guy. But I don't really care"
"Then it is a possibility that he would go to the Black Dragons," Ren says very quietly.
Mitsuya raised an eyebrow "That would be very stupid of him" he says sharply "I'm sure he has more sense than that"
"They already tried to recruit him."
"Oh ?"
"They did" Ren reasserts more confidently, "But he refused, and I'm glad he did." he says, desperation tightly laced in his voice, "That's why we can't go on BD territory anymore" he adds. That was the reason why Taiju had recognized him as well, "Toman is better than the Black Dragon in all the ways that matter" Renge says with all the conviction he can muster at the moment.
"That is?" Mitsuya asks, a tinge of curiosity in his voice, but Renge is too distracted to remark. A moment passes, and he finds his center.
He thinks he can hear something in the distance, coming from the steps above, a small scraping of boots, a rustle of clothing and he closes his eyes, trying to find the right words to convey Haru's conviction and his dreams, the ones he had promised to share with him. The wind picks up and Renge smells wafts of artificial sweetness in the air that reminds him of the scent of his favorite menthols, but different. It almost smells like mint candies instead. He takes a deep breath, and when he opens his eyes again, he thinks that even though he knows it might not be enough to convince Mitsuya and Hakkai to let him join them, it is worth a try.
"Toman has a purpose. A beating heart. It's a gang with morals. That shouldn't be possible, but it is. It's a living contradiction, a thing of violence that's meant to be a haven just for us. At least that's what Haru says. That's what everyone told me Toman was about" Ren tells the white-haired boy with growing conviction, "If that's true, then Haru belongs here. He's a thug but he has a big heart in the right place."
A few moments pass and the silver-haired boy smiles slightly, a flash of appreciation flickering in his eyes. Renge thinks the truths he tells are cheap, but it's all that he has to give them; a show of emptiness and a demonstration of vacuity, the absence of morals and apathy toward everything but the people he loves.
"I'm not a good person, I don't have a good heart and I'm weak. But I promised I'd follow Haru wherever and he says Toman can make him happy, that it could become a home for us. I want that. I want Haru to be happy. I want him to feel like he belongs somewhere. I don't care much about your honor and morals, to be honest. Most of us had shitty lives growing up, so you probably know what I mean when I say I never learned to be good. But Haru's good in his own way. He's better than me, that's for sure. But people see it and they want to use him because he's strong. But you won't do that, right? You won't ask him to sacrifice his ideals for your own gain. That's what makes you better than the other gangs. I want to see if it will ever come true, that dream from which Toman was born. Because if Haru has put his faith in you, then it is something I can believe in"
Ren hears a small, airy laugh coming from behind them, and the silver-haired boy's head snaps in the direction of the noise.
"Let him go Hakkai," the newcomer says softly, coal-black eyes crinkling "You don't think he's that much of a threat, right ?" he asks, and Hakkai's hand instantly drops.
"Oi, Mikey, I didn't hear you coming, how long have you been here for?" Mitsuya asks with a small smile, eyes crinkling. Mikey approaches silently and Renge feels his guts coil in anticipation. He's only ever met Mikey once before when he first entered Toman and the boy had seemed unapproachable.
"I've been here long enough to hear lots of interesting things" Mikey smiles brightly at them, and Hakkai relaxes full, stepping back from him in a show of deference, "Hi," Mikey says softly, addressing Ren directly "What was your name again ?" he asks and Renge lets out a shaky breath.
"Hiiragi Renge," he says quickly because it didn't seem to be a good idea to make him wait any longer than necessary.
"Right, I remember now. Renge. Like the flower," he grins and Ren flushes deeply. "Don't be like that, I wasn't making fun of you," he says teasingly "Well, not really," he pauses, looking unapologetic, "It's actually a powerful name. Do you know why?" Mikey adds slyly.
"Yea, kind of, I'm not good with kanji, but I know it has lots of different readings" Ren bristles slightly because everyone always assumed he had trouble with basic Japanese, even though he had been born and raised in Japan "Renge is the lotus flower and Hiiragi is the holly osmanthus," he adds sullenly, knowing full well that it did not even begin to cover the intricacies of the kanji that made up his name.
"It's not about the kanji. I'm no good with kanji either" Mikey smiles "But it has meaning in Buddhism, and that's something I'm into" he grins sharply, gesturing to the golden lettering on Mitsuya's gang uniform, throughout the heavens and earth, I alone am the honored one. Ren hadn't received his own uniform yet, but he had found the design surprisingly neat and elegant considering Toman founding member's apparent love for theatrics. Haru had tried explaining that their aesthetic was littered with references to Buddhism, but Ren hadn't paid too much attention to what he had been saying and now he was starting to regret it.
"The lotus is a symbol of spiritual awakening, of birth, or maybe more precisely of rebirth, " he says softly, eyes like glowing burning coals in the dark "do you know why?"
Renge shakes his head. His name had been a gift from someone he loved, and it was all he had ever needed to know about it.
"Every morning, the clean white lotus breaks the surface of murky waters to bloom. It's a metaphor for desire" he smirks "and therefore a metaphor of spiritual enlightenment."
"How is desire linked with spiritual enlightenment ?" Ren asks dumbly.
"It has everything to do with spirituality" Mikey snickers and Mitsuya lets out a short laugh "What, you don't believe me?" he asks him, and Mitsuya shakes his head, eyes shining with amusement.
"Well, an interesting idea in Buddhism is that a person's path in life is similar to that of the lotus," Mikey adds with a smile.
Mitsuya snorts "it's even more bullshit than it sounds," he tells Hakkai, rolling his eyes at them "you always were into karmic bullshit though" Mitsuya addresses Mikey, smiling fondly at the blonde.
"It is pretty cool" Mikey pouts, "I really like the idea of nirvana" he adds "Imagine – when we're born, we're like the lotus seed at the bottom of the lake. We spend our days in the dark, just living life with no purpose. Then we grow and we learn. We try to find meaning and go toward the light as the lotus bud grows toward the sun. You lose things along the way, but it's the price to pay, right ?" he smiles warily, and something unreadable flashes in his eyes. "You gotta leave all attachments behind to reach Nirvana. You can't lose anything when you've got nothing left, right? That's the price for everything. Then finally, finally, the lotus gets to the surface and it can bloom. That's when you reach enlightenment. You gotta wonder what it's like to find your truth, the one only you can conceive" he says dreamily.
" Throughout the heavens and earth, I alone am the honored one " Ren quotes "but it's strange, right ? I didn't think enlightenment worked like that. I thought it was something universal, like, in a cosmic sense," he says fully confused.
"So you do get it !" Mikey smiles widely, and Renge's confusion increases, "Yea, our motto is also about spiritual enlightenment. And you're right, it is contradictory. At least it looks contradictory." he smiles roguishly. "I actually don't think it is," he tells Ren conspiratorially. "Did you know" Mikey begins with a savage grin "that I wanted to use a lotus flower as a symbol for Toman ?" he says, and Renge flushes bright red in embarrassment, "The others didn't like it much though," he adds fondly, "They said it was too girly."
Mikey smiles warmly at Mitsuya and idly kicks a rock in front of him. The rock lands on the other side of the fence surrounding the shrine with a sharp noise. "Mitsuya, keep an eye on him, okay ?" he asks after a pause, and Mitsuya softly snorts in answer.
"Thank you," Mikey breathes out, a bright smile forming on his lips. He waves at them one last time before leaving, and once he is gone, Renge feels a weight lift from his chest.
They stay silent for a moment, processing the implications of Mikey's words. Then Mistuya finally speaks and in a flash, Renge sees through the future.
– He sees a boy wake up in his bed and tastes gasoline on his tongue. Tears are running down the boy's face, and he thinks he's dreamed a strange dream of a boy with silver scars and curly silver hair. He falls back to sleep mere moments later and never remembers the name (whose name ?) that just died on the silver boy's lips. It is so quiet, the sound of someone caving, but oh, the ripples they cause in the world.
The moment is gone as soon as it came, leaving Renge breathless.
"Well, welcome to the 2nd division of Toman, I guess," Mitsuya says, and Renge feels unease building in his chest.
(Looking back, there are many things he could have said to make things better. But he did not and therefore never will, and it is all that matters)
