TW- Self harm, last third of the chapter


'Hey Maddie, Gramps got you mucking stables now?'

Maddie tossed the last shovel full of manure into the wheelbarrow then turned to August. 'You could help me if you like.'

'Ah, no thanks.'

She chuckled, leaning the shovel against the wheelbarrow. 'I'm only joking, your Grandparents have agreed to teach me how to ride, in exchange for me doing chores around here.'

'Sounds like you've got the worse end of the deal, mucking out stalls all day for a half hour ride.'

'It's not that bad-' She shrugged. 'It sure isn't as bad as some other things I've had to do. A couple years back my Dad and I were renting a room in an apartment, it was full of mice-' August grimaced. 'Now that was not fun to clean.'

'Yeah, that doesn't sound pleasant-'

'Maddie.' Bonham interrupted as he walked up the aisle. 'How are we going?'

'Good sir, I'm just about finished here, I've only got one more stall to go.'

'I'll leave you to it then.' August made a quick exit out of the barn before he was asked to clean any stalls.

'Not bad.' He remarked, glancing into the stalls. 'I've just had a phone call from one of the men, bottom fence is down. I'm going to have to go fix it, I'm sorry I won't be able to give you your lesson today. Cordell should be home soon, I've asked him if he could give you one instead.'

'That would be fine sir, I can start those saddles while I wait.'

He nodded, starting out of the barn. 'Keep up the good work Maddie, you're doing well.'

She smiled, pride filling her heart at the compliment and started back to work. Today had been the first day she had time to come over and start work in the Walkers barn, her week having been taken up with her garden back home. Yesterday though she had finally finished with it and couldn't be happier with how it looked. Abeline had helped out for a couple hours on a couple days, showing her what needed to be done and for that she was very grateful. The place looked so much better now, the lawn and trees trimmed and tidied and the vegetable garden having received some tender loving care. With her own work done, now she finally had time to work for the Walkers for her riding lessons.

The wheelbarrow emptied onto the muck pile, she headed into the tack room. Bonham had shown her what tack needed to be cleaned and how to clean it, Maddie turning some music on as she set to work.

'Knock knock.'

She glanced up, turning her music off as Cordell came over. 'Afternoon.'

'How's it going?' He questioned with a smile as he walked in.

'Well, your Dad seems to be happy with my stall cleaning abilities.' She replied, placing the lid back on the leather conditioner. 'And August doesn't seem to like mucking out much.'

He laughed. 'Mucking stalls is a punishment around here which is why neither of them like it. They think it's one of the worst consequences Gramps ever came up with.' Going over to the saddle stand he picked up the tack for the horse Bonham had recommended Maddie ride. 'Apparently I'm to give you your first riding lesson today, so why don't we get to it? Skylar is waiting for you in the corral. Just grab that grooming kit and the purple halter and lead there, we'll need it.'

Maddie picked them up and headed out of the barn after Cordell. 'I hope it's not too much trouble, you giving me a lesson.'

'It's not, at all.' He set the saddle down on the fence then opened the gate, motioning for her to follow him. A palomino mare with a blaze looked up at them as they walked in. 'This is Skylar, she's the perfect horse for you to learn on.'

'She's beautiful.' She remarked as she observed the mare closely. She wasn't too big, but not too small either, just the perfect size. 'What breed is she?'

'Quarter horse, my Dad bred and broke her in.' He replied. 'Now, have you ever haltered a horse?'

She shook her head. 'Closest I got to a horse growing up was led pony rides at the rodeo. How do I do it?'

'Walk up to her slowly, give her a pat on the neck-' He stood back to let her have some space and she did as he instructed. 'Place the leadrope over her neck then take hold of the noseband of the halter.'

'Right…' After a moment she had it figured out. 'Reading and watching videos about working with horses sure is different then doing it for yourself. Now slip the noseband over her nose?'

'That's right.'

After a moment, she had the mare haltered and gave her a pat as she smiled. 'That wasn't too hard.'

'Well done. Now walk her over here, we'll tie her up and get her tacked up.' Skylar followed her willingly over to the fence and he took a moment to show Maddie how to tie a quick release knot before showing her how to groom the mare. As she started to brush her down, he took a seat on an overturned bucket to watch. 'You heard from your Dad lately?'

Maddie shook her head. 'Not since last week, he'll call me when he has a chance. Why do you ask?'

'No reason, just trying to make conversation. Does he go away for work a lot?'

'Yeah, he has to go where the money is. He was working on a construction job when we first got here but he got a better job offer with a shipping company. I wish he didn't have to go away so often-' She worked along the mare's side with the brush and curry comb, stroking her firmly like Cordell had shown her. 'But he doesn't have much of a choice. Am I doing this right?'

He nodded as he rose to show her how to tack up. 'You're doing well.'

'Good. I think I'm getting the hang of this.'

She placed the brushes aside as he picked up the saddle blanket and showed her how to put it on properly. The saddle went on next, Cordell doing the cinch up then let her have a go and once she had gotten the hang of it, helped her to bridle the mare.

'You ready to ride?'

She chuckled nervously as he handed her a helmet. 'Ready as I'll ever be.'

'We'll take it nice and slow, Skylar will look after you.' He promised as she put the helmet on. Leading the mare into the center of the corral he held onto her as she prepared to mount. 'Take hold of the horn and cantle, left foot into the stirrup and swing up.' Maddie tried to do so, not managing very well and after a moment he gave her a push up. 'There we go.'

'I think I'm going to have to work on that.' She remarked nervously, finding the other stirrup with her foot. 'That was a rather awkward attempt at mounting.'

'You'll get better.' He assured her, checking that the stirrups were the right length. 'I'll lead you around until you feel comfortable with her.'

Maddie nodded as she picked up the reins. 'She neck reins, right? You lay the opposite rein to the direction you want to turn on her neck, right?'

'Correct. Ready?'

'Yep.'

Cordell started the mare forward around the corral, Abeline coming over to the fence to watch. When she said she felt comfortable, he let go of the mare, letting the teen take control and joined his mother.

'She's doing good.' She remarked, Maddie guiding the mare around the perimeter of the corral. 'They seem to be getting along nicely.'

'Skylar is a good horse.' He remarked, thinking of when Emily had first learnt to ride, on the same mare as Maddie was now learning on. After a moment he looked back at the teen. 'Keep those heels down Maddie. Yes, like that. Better.'

'You find anything out about her father?' Abeline questioned after a time.

He shook his head. 'His record is clear except for the charges he received last week. He'll be released in a few weeks from what I heard.'

'Maddie will be happy to have him home.'

'Has she said anything else to you?'

'Nothing really, just that their last place they lived in was Del Rio. Before that they moved down from Denver.' She turned to her son. 'You seem rather concerned about her.'

'I just…' He paused, trying to think of how to put into words what he wanted to say. 'She's a good kid, and to have a scumbag of a father like that guy is-' He shook his head. 'I don't know, I haven't got any solid evidence to go on but something just doesn't feel right.'

'How am I going?' Maddie called out, turning the mare to go in the opposite direction. 'Am I doing it right?'

'Your looking good Maddie girl.' Abeline encouraged with a smile. 'You'll be a better rider then Cordell is in a few days.'

Cordell rolled his eyes as the teen laughed. 'Ma, really?'

'Oh come on, can't I tease you just a little?' She grinned. 'I've got a pie in the oven to get back to, make sure she doesn't fall off and break her neck.'

'Yes Mom, yes.'

'Keep it up Maddie, you're doing very well.'

Maddie smiled as Abeline headed back to the house. 'I think I'm starting to get the hang of this.'

'If you want to go faster, just give her a squeeze with your heels and she'll speed up.'

'I think this is fast enough for me right now.' She replied, doing a figure of eight in the middle of the corral. 'I don't want to fall off.'

'If you ride a horse, you're bound to fall off eventually.'

Maddie laughed, 'I know, I just don't want it to happen today.'


'Maddie, come over here a moment.'

Maddie tossed the last of the straw onto the floor, brushing off her hands as she walked over to Bonham. 'Yes sir?'

'You've been working here for a week now-'

'I haven't done something wrong, have I?'

'If you let me finish without interruption, you might have a chance to listen to what I've got to say.'

She bit her lip, dropping her eyes to the ground. 'Sorry sir.'

'Maddie, look at me.' He waited until she looked up, wondering why the teen looked so frightened. 'You haven't done anything wrong, in fact, I couldn't be more happy with your work. You've been doing one hell of a job.'

'Thank you for saying that sir.'

'Now, I know when my wife spoke to you about working here it was agreed that you would work in exchange for horse riding lessons. However, with the effort you've been putting in, I hardly think that is fair anymore. So-' He pulled his wallet from his pocket. 'Here you go.'

Maddie's eyes widened as he handed her a few ten dollar bills. 'No sir, I can't accept this. It's too much.'

'Yes, you can.' He chuckled. 'I don't want that Ranger son accusing me of using you for child slave labour. You wouldn't want me to get in trouble with him now, would you?'

'No sir.'

'Good. Now not another word about it. A hundred dollars a week, provided that you maintain the level of work you've shown me since you started.'

She nodded, slipping the money into her pocket. 'Understood. You have my word that I will do my best.'

'Glad to hear it.' He pulled a leather pocket knife case from his pocket, handing it to her. 'This is for you, can't expect you to work around here without your own pocket knife.'

Maddie took it cautiously, opening the case and pulled the knife out. The grips were made of deer antler, her name engraved on the side. 'Thank you…' Her eyes began to water as she turned it over in her hand. 'It's the nicest thing anyone's given me.'

'If you take good care of it, it'll serve you well.'

'I will.'

'Alright then. I'll let you get back to work.' He started to leave then stopped, turning back to the girl. 'You'll be staying for supper, right? When I was up at the house Abeline was baking a chocolate cake, smelt mighty good.'

Maddie nodded as she slipped the knife back into the case. 'I'd love to.'

'Good, see you at supper then.'

After he had left, she slipped her new treasure into her pocket and set back to work. Apart from her Mama giving her presents, she'd never had anyone give her something like what she'd just received. Her father had never given her something just for the sake of it in her life, she wasn't completely sure how to take what had just happened. Wiping her eyes on her sleeve, she set back to work spreading the straw in the stall. His kind gesture had really taken her by surprise…


And sleep wouldn't come…. Maddie lay staring up at the ceiling as the minutes ticked slowly by. Every night was like this, awake, staring into the distance until the early hours of the morning when she'd finally doze off, only to wake again with the sunrise. It was worse when her father was gone, when he was here with her she didn't worry as much but being alone, at night, was something she hated.

Every single door and window leading outside was locked up tight, even with every blind down and every curtain drawn she still couldn't feel safe. Her ears listened closely for the littlest sound, the soft white noise of rain playing on her phone beside her doing little to help her drift to sleep. A loaded pistol was kept beneath her pillow, the pocket knife Bonham had given her laid out on the bedside table. Even still, she couldn't feel safe. Not after that night years ago when she had been alone, the motel room she had been staying in getting broken into…

A noise outside made her sit upright, her heart pounding as her ears strained to catch any further sound. It was the wind, only the wind… She laid back down after a moment, picking her phone back up off the bedside table.

1:34 AM.

It was when she was in the dark, when she was alone, that her fears and her demons came out to play in her mind. This was the person she became when no was was watching, when she didn't have to pretend to be someone she wasn't. It was only the night that knew the real Maddie, and not the Maddie that people saw. This Maddie was alone, scared, frightened… Lonely… So, so lonely…

Tears escaped from the corner of her eye as she reread the text messages between her and her father. She hadn't heard from him since that phone call over a week ago. No texts, no calls, nothing. All she wanted was to hear from him, to know that he was alright. It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

There was another little secret that came to light at night, a secret hidden during the day by long sleeved shirts and long jeans. Tonight the blood had already flowed from her skin yet no peace had come from it as it once had before. When Bonham had gifted her that knife, would he have imagined that she would use it to make herself bleed? No, he couldn't have for on the outside, the Maddie that everyone saw was a carefree, life loving and seemingly happy teenager. No one had any reason to suspect that behind the carefully crafted walls she had built lay a girl who was shattered in a thousand pieces. No one knew, not even her own father. It was her, her alone who knew.

When she had become a woman just before her thirteenth birthday, that was when her dark habit had really begun in earnest, her father no longer taking her jeans off when he punished her. Before that, she had been careful to leave no mark that he would ask questions of but now, knowing he wouldn't remove her clothes since she had reached puberty, her habit went unchecked.

It had started when her Mama had passed, she would scratch her arms with her nails until they bled and focusing on that pain helped ease the ache in her heart and mind. After a time though, that wasn't enough for her anymore and she had started to think of ways she could feel that kind of peace and pain again.

She could still remember the first night she had drawn blood, using the blade of a pencil sharpener. It had been in the first foster home she had done it, the scratching no longer enough to dull the pain in her heart. Blood had spilled that night, the blade having dulled her emotional pain and bought her a peace she hadn't had since she had lost her mother. Once was all it had taken, only once, and doing it just that once, a habit had quickly formed from it.

2:12 AM

Her eyelids finally started to feel heavy as time drifted into the early hours of the morning, sleep finally coming to the troubled teenager. She needed sleep, her body needed to sleep. It was exhausting to live life as a person she wasn't, hiding the real her from the world. In the morning she would wake, put on her clothes and step from her room ready to face the day. No one could ever know the real her, no one. Not even her own father.