TW- Self harm

'Maddie-' Cordell started as he walked into the dining room, Maddie sitting at the table eating breakfast. 'Good news. I just got off the phone with the electricity company, your dad did pay the bill, something happened with the bank transfer or something but-' He helped himself to a piece of toast off the plate in the middle of the table. 'the power should be turned back on within a couple hours.'

Maddie breathed a huge sigh of relief. 'Thank you for ringing them for me, I really hate having to deal with stuff like that. It's really not one of my strong suits. Now I'll only need to worry about replacing the ruined food.'

'Ah, about that-' He looked at Abeline as she came in to join them. 'Mom, would you have time to run with Maddie to the grocery store today?'

'There's just one slight problem.' The teen interjected before she could reply. 'I haven't got anything to pay for a shop with, having the rent and gas to pay last week took up the money Dad left me, and my pay for working here.'

'That's not a problem.' Abeline sat, spreading some jam on her toast. 'We can cover it, an advance on this weeks pay.'

'I don't like to be owing anyone-'

'It's an advance. Besides-' She winked at her. 'I know where you live. You aren't going to skip town without finishing this week's chores out, are you?'

Maddie chuckled. 'No ma'am.'

'Then we'll hear no more on the matter.'

'There is one other thing.' Cordell added. 'How would you feel about coming camping with Stella, August and I? We were planning to go camping in Emily's honor this weekend, Stella wanted to invite you along, seeing that you lost your mom around the same time and your Dad isn't here with you.'

'Um…' She didn't know what to say, genuinely surprised by the invitation. 'I thought it was just a family thing.'

'Considering the amount of time you're spending here, you're becoming part of the furniture Maddie girl.' His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket. 'Ah, I have to go. Think about it, Stella and August both would like it if you came.'

'Yes sir.' She nodded, the Ranger heading for the front door. Silence fell, the teen gingerly picking at her scrambled eggs on toast.

'You're not hungry this morning?'

'Not especially. I'm sorry, I hate wasting food-' She went to stand up, picking up her plate. 'Can I put it in a container? I'll take it home to re-heat-'

'No, it's alright.' Abeline assured her. 'The chickens will enjoy a treat.'

She placed the plate back onto the table.

'Something on your mind?' She questioned after a moment.

'I'm just… worried... about my Dad.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'I'm worried he's left me, for good this time.' Maddie blurted out, biting at her cuticles. 'Please, you mustn't repeat anything I say.'

Abeline nodded, staying silent as she waited for the teen to open up.

'I've said before that it's not the first time Dad has left me, and it's true. When I was growing up, he would be gone for long periods at a time. Days, weeks. I remember Mama crying a lot when he was gone-' Abeline placed her elbows on the table, resting her chin on her hands. 'One day, he never came back.' Her bottom lip quivered, the memories flashing in her mind. 'It was my sixth birthday, they had an argument, Dad was yelling, Mama was crying… Dad packed his bag, I begged him to stay but he left anyway.'

Tears formed in her eyes and she had to take a deep breath to stop her voice from breaking. 'I watched as he drove away, it was the last time I saw him until I was twelve. I've always thought it was my fault he left, maybe I had done something wrong. I didn't want him to go…' She quickly wiped her cheek dry. 'And now, it's been over a month and I-I haven't heard from him. I'm worried he's left, for good this time.'

'Maddie…' Abeline took the teens hand in hers. 'Maddie, honey, you were six years old. Your Daddy leaving wasn't your fault, you can't blame yourself.'

'I know… Mama said the same thing but I just can't help but feel like it was my fault…'

'It wasn't, you need to believe that.' She said softly. 'Your Dad promised he would come back, didn't he?' Maddie nodded. 'That's what you need to remember.'

'But why hasn't he messaged or called me…'

'I don't know but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for it. Last year, Cordell was away from his kids for a long time too, they didn't hear from him for three months.'

'But he came back.'

'Yes, he did.'

'I don't think my Dad is going to come back…'

'Oh honey, it's alright.' Abeline stood, going over to the girls side of the table and wrapped her arms around her as she broke down. 'Sssh… it's alright.' Bonham chose that exact moment to walk into the dining room, raising an eyebrow. She glanced up, motioning for him to leave and he nodded then headed back to the living room. After a moment, the girls sobs subsided and Maddie pulled away from her. 'I think you need something else to keep you occupied, why don't you take up Cordell's offer of going camping with him and the kids?'

'Don't… have any camping gear.' She wiped her eyes, forcing back the lump in her throat. 'I'm sorry, I didn't want to dump all that on you.'

'Hey, I'm a Mom and a Grandma. You want to guess how many times I've been there when Cordi or Liam, Stella or Augie had a good cry.'

Maddie chuckled sadly. 'Be a few times.'

'So one more doesn't matter, okay?' She brushed a couple stray tears off the girl's cheek. 'And as for camping gear, we have more than enough here you don't need to worry about it. You'll only need to bring your clothes and yourself.'

'Are you sure?'

'Positive. Now go clean yourself up, how does a girl's shopping trip sound?'

'Sounds like a good idea.' She smiled as she stood, starting to the guest room. Stopping, she turned back to Abeline. 'Thank you, for lending an ear and a shoulder.'

Abeline nodded, mulling over what the girl had said after she'd disappeared.

'What was that all about?'

She looked up as her husband walked back into the room, getting up to start clearing away the table. 'Her father-' She kept her voice low as she replied. 'practically abandoned her once before, she's worried he's not coming back.'

Bonham raised his eyebrows, glancing in the direction the girl had disappeared. 'You going to tell Cordell?'

Abeline nodded. 'Maddie asked me not to say anything, but Bon, there's more going on then him just walking out on her and her mom.'

'Maybe Cordell needs to tell her the truth about where her father is.' He suggested after a moment.

'Right now, I think that would do her more harm then good. You know how kids look up to their parents, when I was her age I thought my father hung the moon. How would she cope if she knew her father was in prison?'

'Your probably right. Maybe she's better off without him if he's the kind of guy that would abandon his child.'

'We don't know anything about him-'

'We both know he's in jail, he ain't in there for stealing candy bars Abby.'

'No… I know.' She sighed heavily. 'I just feel sorry for her.'

Bonham placed a hand on her shoulder. 'I know you do Abbs, it's a good thing Maddie has you in her corner. I'm a head out, got a lead on a good broodmare. I'll see you later.'

'Mmmhmm. Have a good day.'

'You too.'

'Alright-' Maddie exclaimed cheerfully as she returned, changed into a new outfit and with her hair and makeup down. 'How did I go?'

Abeline chuckled, she'd had a good try but needed a little help. 'Not bad but you need a little help. Come on, I'll give you a hand.'

'Thank you so much for taking me shopping-' Maddie said as Abeline helped her carry her groceries into the kitchen. 'I really appreciated the help.'

'My pleasure, I enjoyed the company. Where do you want me to put these?'

'Ah, anywhere there is space.' She said with a sigh, looking at the cluttered benches. 'One of the downsides of a small kitchen, and a father who likes to buy his beer in bulk when it's on sale.'

'This place never had much kitchen space-' The bags went down in a spare space beside the fridge, Abeline noting the amount of alcohol just as Cordell had. 'I know Beth wanted to renovate and have a larger kitchen but they never got around to it.'

'At least it's a kitchen though, I can't complain too much. That oven is a huge step up from a gas cooker, I still can't stomach the thought of two-minute noodles.' She started to pack the food away into the fridge and freezer. 'Actually, Abeline-' The woman turned back to her. 'Do you know of somewhere I can sell the extra produce from the garden? I mean, I was looking at it yesterday and I think I'm going to need someway of getting rid of the excess.'

'There's the local market where I normally buy our fruit and vegetables, I'll have a talk with the owner and see if they'd be willing to purchase your produce.'

'That would be great, thank you.' She said as she closed the freezer. 'You've helped me so much, if there's ever anything I can do to help-'

'You have, already.' She assured her with a smile. 'Stella really enjoyed your company yesterday, this past year hasn't been easy for either of them. Just be you Maddie, there's no need to try and repay us.'

'Yes ma'am.'

'Well-' Abeline looked at her watch. 'It's time for me to be heading home. Tomorrow, Bonham mentioned he wants to speak with you about Skylar so when you come over to start work, go speak with him first.'

'I'll remember.' She walked with her to the door. 'Goodnight ma'am.'

'Night Maddie.' She pressed a kiss to the girls forehead, her hand on the teens shoulder. 'Try not to worry too much about your Dad, okay? He will come back.'

Maddie smiled sadly. 'I'll try.'

She lingered in the doorway until the silver truck had faded into the night then closed the door. With a sigh, she lent back against it, staring up at the roof. With every passing year, the anniversary of her mothers death became harder and harder, the clutch pain had on her heart tightening. It was this time of year when she wanted to be with her Dad, needed to be with her Dad. The first year she had been in Fort Wayne, Indiana, alone. The second; Billings, Montana, alone. Last year she'd been in Colorado Springs, Colorado, again alone. This year, Austin, Texas….

Why?

The one question that played over and over in her mind for years, without an answer to be found. Her Mom had been her whole world, her everything. It just wasn't fair… How could it be fair?

Silent tears rolled down her cheeks as she walked up the hallway to her room, turning the lights out in the house on her way. The door of her room closed behind her, the curtains were drawn and before she slipped out of her jeans; her pocket knife was sharpened. As the blood trickled down her skin, the pain in her heart slowly began to numb. She hated that the only thing that bought any peace was to bring herself pain, the physical pain though paled in comparison to the pain in her heart.

Why?

Another thin cut began to run red.

Her vision blurred with tears.

Why?

The question that no matter how hard she tried to find an answer for, just couldn't. Her mother shouldn't have died, people weren't supposed to die at only thirty-eight years old. Cancer was only something that old people died of, right?

She just didn't have the answers.

The blade was wiped, her legs were cleaned, the long pants were slipped back on and the real Maddie was hidden once more. Her phone lit up with a message as she went to tidy her room, the teen drying her eyes before reaching to pick it up. It was only a weather update and she sighed as she tossed the phone onto her bed. Why hadn't her Dad at least messaged her? Was it that hard to flick a text through? Obviously, it was… Deciding she would deal with her mess later, she turned off the light and laid down on her bed, thoughts and memories dancing through her mind. Tonight would be another night of no rest.

Maddie brought her bicycle to a stop in the ranch yard, leaning it against the side of the barn before walking in. Skylar let out an excited whinny when she saw her, the teen chuckling as she went to give her a pat. 'Morning beautiful.' The mare nuzzled her pockets, trying to find out if she had any treats hidden. 'Yes, yes, I know what you want-' She laughed, pulling a carrot from her back pocket. 'Here you go.'

She watched with a smile on her face as the mare devoured it eagerly. Every evening since she had started work, one of the Walkers would take her out with Skylar to ride. Yesterday it had been Liam, to her surprise, who had offered to take her out for a trail ride and the day before that, Bonham. Slowly she was starting to find her seat and become a better horsewoman, having ridden her first ever gallop yesterday with Liam's encouragement.

'Morning Maddie.'

She smiled as Bonham came into the barn, snapping her last carrot in half to give the mare. 'Good morning sir. Abeline said yesterday that you wanted to speak with me about Skylar?'

He nodded, leaning against the stall door. 'You and Miss Skylar there appear to have created quite the bond with each other.'

'She's something special, that's for sure.'

'How would you feel about owning Skylar?'

'What?' She questioned, looking at him with surprise. 'I haven't got the money to buy her-'

'Just hear me out.' Bonham chuckled. 'Skylar here is getting on in years, she needs someone special to give her the extra attention she deserves. She's not quite up to twelve hour days out on the range anymore but there's still a lot of go in her. What do you say about taking her on a lease? Legally I will still own her, I'll pay for her feed, shoes, vet fees and such but otherwise, she could be all yours to look after.'

'I can keep her at home?'

He nodded. 'I'll have to come make sure the barn is safe enough for her to stay but I'm sure you'd rather ride her then that old bike you've been using.'

'Ah, yeah. I'm surprised that old bicycle hasn't rattled apart on me yet.'

'What do you say then?'

'Yes, I'd love to look after her.'

'Good, glad to hear it.' He ran a hand down the mare's face. 'When you finish up, come find me and we'll ride out to look at that old barn of yours.'

'Yes sir!'

Maddie squealed with excitement after he had left, earning herself a curious look from the mare. A horse, of her own? It didn't matter that legally he would still retain ownership, she had a horse of her own to look after! 'Hear that Skylar, you're coming home with me!'

Maddie got through her assigned tasks in record time, Abeline giving them a packed lunch to take with them as they rode to her home. The teen took careful notice of the bridle path Bonham led her along, remembering they turned off onto another path twice. Riding at a walk, it took a good half hour for them to reach the boundary between the property, the two of them having a fight with the rusted gate to get it open.

'That's one thing to put on the list to fix.' Bonham remarked as he mounted again, waiting for Maddie to get ready. 'We haven't used this path in years.'

'That gate sure does look like it's seen better days.' Maddie agreed, nudging the mare forward once more. 'But I can truthfully say, the barn is in better shape then those hinges.'

'We'll see about that, it's been ten years since anyone has stepped foot in that old shack.'

Maddie chuckled to herself. Someone sure was in for a surprise.

'We'll have to fix that fence too…' He remarked, seeing a section down where a tree had fallen on it. 'You know how to strain a fence, Maddie girl?'

'No sir.'

'That'll be this afternoon's lesson then. I'm surprised my cattle haven't already found it.' He glanced back at the teen. 'You've been unusually quiet today, something on your mind?'

'Why do people have to die?'

'We're all going to die one day Maddie, it's just a part of life.'

'No, I mean, why do good people have to die and bad people get to live? My Mama… My Mama was the best, it's not right that she died.'

'I've been asking myself that same question since we lost Emily. Only problem is-' Maddie bought her horse up beside his. 'I still haven't come up with an answer.'

'It must have been hard, having her taken so quickly. I watched my Mama get sick, we spent months in the hospital with the doctors trying to make her better but I had time to say goodbye…' She paused, struggling for words. 'I hated seeing her so sick.'

'How old were you?'

'Eleven when she passed. Every year, it gets harder. I just miss her so much… It's not fair!'

Bonham looked over at her sympathetically. 'No, it isn't.'

'I keep asking myself why? But there's never an answer.'

'I think… perhaps there are some things there aren't any answers for, and nothing we can do about it. It's the memories we should hold onto, not the questions.'

Except for the sound of the horses hooves on the dirt track, silence fell. Maddie to her thinking, Bonham alone in his thoughts. They passed the old stable block, the old shed ready to collapse at the slightest wind. Before long the barn came into view, another gate they had to go through to reach the building.

'At least it's still standing-' Bonham remarked, tying his horse to the hitching rail outside. 'That's promising.' He pushed the door back, surprised that it opened with ease. Even more surprising, as light flooded into the barn, was the fact that it was spick and span. He glanced back at the teen, Maddie with a huge grin on her face. 'Well, I can see someone has been busy.'

'Mmmhmm. Even found an old can of oil so I could oil the doors. I thought she could stay in the first stall, it's the largest.'

He nodded. 'Looks like it's in good enough shape. We'll have to bring some straw over-'

'There's still some up in the loft, I don't know if you'd think it's alright to use though. It looked okay to me.' She started up the ladder, Bonham following after her.

He looked at the pictures hanging on the wall, horses, ones that looked like a younger version of the teen and her mom. 'You drew these?'

She nodded. 'Mama said I had a talent for drawing, that, and playing the guitar. I come up here when I want to think, or draw, or sing.'

'Well, they are beautiful.' He turned back to her. 'Now, what do you say we head back and get some feed and bedding for Skylar?'