Chapter 12

TW- Self Harm (Mention about halfway through)


A month slipped by before Maddie finally was able to return to her home, the repairs having taken place while she had been staying with the Walkers. While it had been nice to stay with them, she didn't want to outdo her welcome and so had been very relieved when she got the news that the repairs had been completed. The barn too had been fixed and thanks to the help she received from Abeline with the garden, the place started to look normal once more.

She still hadn't heard from her father and though she had asked Cordell if he could find anything on him, his search had come up empty handed. The time though that she had spent with the Walkers, observing how they interacted as a family, had left her with a ton of questions that had gone unanswered. Even though they had their problems, they all seemed to genuinely love each other. If she was being honest with herself, she had found herself to be feeling more and more out of place there. She didn't belong there, with them. She wasn't part of their family…

And so, wrestling with those thoughts and emotions, she hid behind a fake smile. She was a master of disguise when it came to keeping secrets, she didn't want people to know the real her. If they did, they wouldn't want to stay… Yes, the Walkers had been kind to her, letting her stay with them while her home was being fixed but she had convinced herself she needed to keep space between her and them. She had already allowed herself to get too close and ultimately in the end, it would only be her that was hurt. She didn't belong with them…

Even though her mind reasoned she would get hurt, her heart yearned for the love and care that she had received from Abeline and the rest of them. Even though there wasn't a person on earth who could replace her mom, she had become quite close with the matriarch of the Walker clan. When she was with her, she felt safe. It was something she hadn't felt in years and then with that realization, she questioned what she knew. Her father didn't make her feel safe, he scared her most of the time. Why then, did she want him home so badly?

She didn't know, couldn't figure out those questions and so instead had thrown herself into doing as much work as she could so she didn't have to deal with those uncomfortable ponderings. Every time they went in to work at the Side Step, she would go along to help out. It had taken a lot of hard work for it to be completed but when it was finally finished, she was just as proud as the rest of them. She had done something, accomplished something that meant something.

And so, she kept working and waiting. Waiting for her father to return home. When she was alone with her doubts and demons, the blood flowed freely from her skin. No one knew of the battles that raged within her mind, no one knew of the struggles she fought on a daily basis. On the outside, she seemed to be happy and carefree but on the inside, she was just a broken child begging to be loved and wanted. On the other hand, she had to keep everyone at arm's length. There was no sense in having her heart broken. She wasn't one of them, wouldn't be one of them. There was no sense in wishing for something she couldn't have. A real family and a real home.


'Maddie, would you mind passing me the sugar?' Abeline questioned, stirring the simmering mixture on the stove.

'Sure-' Putting down the strawberries she had been chopping she pushed the bag over closer to her. 'I never knew so much work went into making strawberry jam.'

'It's not a five minute job, that's for sure.' She poured another cup of sugar into the pot. 'How are you going with those strawberries?'

'Almost finished-' Her phone started ringing and she pulled it from her pocket, her face lighting up as she saw the caller. 'It's my Dad calling me!'

'Go on then, take it.' She chuckled, seeing the excitement on the teens face. It sure had taken him long enough to contact her... 'I'll watch your pot.'

'Thank you.' Hurrying out of the kitchen into the living room, she accepted the call. 'Dad?'

'Hello Maddie.'

'Oh Dad, it's so good to hear from you. Where are you?'

'I'm coming home-'

Maddie squealed with excitement, earning a curious glance from Abeline. 'When?'

'I'm about fifteen minutes away.'

'You should have told me sooner Dad, I could have done you up a nice meal-'

'There's no need for that, don't worry about it. I haven't forgotten my promise about the kitten, I heard from a little birdie that there's some kittens for adoption at one of the vet clinics. What do you say about you and I going to see them then doing a little shopping for your kitten this afternoon?'

'You really mean that Dad?'

'I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. I'll see you soon.'

'Okay, see you soon!' The call ended and she slipped the phone back into her pocket. He was finally coming home!

'From the smile on your face-' Abeline remarked, glancing around as Maddie returned to the kitchen. 'I take it you got good news?'

She nodded, grinning wildly. 'Dad's coming home! Today!' If he was only fifteen minutes away- 'I've got to go. My jam-'

'I'll finish it off and bottle it up for you. Go on now.'

'Thank you.' Quickly she took off the apron, hanging it back up where it belonged. 'Sorry I have to go-'

'It's alright.' Abeline laughed, the girl was fairly bursting with excitement. 'Go, I've got it.'

'See you later!'

'Woah woah woah.' Bonham exclaimed as the teen came around the corner, almost knocking him off his feet. 'What's the hurry?'

'Sorry Mr. Walker-' She hurriedly took her hat off the rack, bolting for the door. 'Dad is coming home!'

The door slammed shut loudly, the teen disappearing outside and he shook his head as he walked into the kitchen. 'Someone's excited.'

'Yeah, I hadn't noticed.' Abeline remarked, concern in her tone. It had been almost five months since the girl had moved in next door and her father had been away. Though the teen had tried to hide it, how his absence had affected her hadn't escaped her notice. The girl thought the world of her father and yet if what Cordell had been saying was true, he didn't deserve a daughter as good as her. She turned back to the stove, stirring the jam. 'I just hope she doesn't get her heart broken again.'


Skylar was tacked up in record time, the girl riding her out of the ranch yard at a fast canter. Excitement welled inside her, her father was coming home! He was finally coming home.

Her father's truck was pulling into the drive just as she rode into the yard. Skylar was brought to an abrupt stop, the teen jumping down and running to her dad as he got out of his truck. 'Dad, Dad, your back!'

Robert chuckled as the girl threw her arms around him and he gave her a pat on the back. 'So you are glad to see me?'

'Glad? I'm over the moon. I've missed you so much-' She looked up at him. 'You'll be here now, won't you? You don't have to go away again?'

'Not this week anyway.'

Her face fell as she pulled away from him. 'When do you have to leave again?'

After a moment, he began to laugh. 'Oh the look on your face…'

Maddie stared at him in confusion. She didn't know what was so funny.

'No, no I won't be going for a little while-' He said once he got himself under control again. 'I've got some work close by, I won't need to go out of town for a good couple months at least.'

'Good, I've missed you so much.'

'I don't think you did.'

'No, I did Daddy, I did.' She protested strongly. 'I was wishing you would come home every day.'

'Let me look at you-' He took a step back, looking her up and down. 'You've put a few pounds on while I've been away. Been eating too good? Can't be from what I bought for you.'

'Mrs. Walker is a very good cook, she invited me over regularly for dinner.'

'Is she now? Well, now that I'm home, you won't have to go over there to eat. We can eat here together.'

'I'd like that.'

'So-' He motioned to the horse grazing beside the drive, walking up to it. 'I see you have been busy while I've been away. Where did this come from?'

'Mr. Walker lent her to me.'

'The Ranger?'

'No, his father, in exchange for working on the ranch for him. He's paying me too, five dollars an hour.'

'I see you've become a working girl in my absence.'

She nodded, gathering Skylar's reins. 'I had to do something to occupy my time while you were gone. You'll let me keep working there, won't you? I mean, I've come to really like the Walkers…'

A slight frown furrowed his brow but he quickly wiped it away. 'For now, I guess it would be alright. That doesn't mean you can slack your duties here-'

'I won't, promise. I'll still keep the house clean, have dinner on the table and have your clothes washed. Promise.'

'Just make sure that you do.' He went to give the horse a pat but the mare hurried backwards away from him. After a moment, Maddie had it back under control. 'Horses never did like me.'

She giggled, stroking Skylar's neck. 'You've got to give them a chance, Dad. I'll go untack her, put her out to pasture and go change then we can go.'

'Mind if I come with you?'

'Course not. Come on Skylar.' The mare stepped out after her, Maddie leading her around the back of the yard to the stables. Untacking her was a short affair then she turned her out to graze, her father looking around the barn while she did so.

'You set up a place in the loft?'

'Yeah, just somewhere I can sit and write songs. Hey, I came up with a really good one last week, I can sing it for you-'

'Another time perhaps.'

She nodded as they headed up the path to the house. 'Mrs. Walker was teaching me how to make strawberry jam when you rang, I know that's your favorite. I grew the strawberries in our own garden.'

'Did you now?

'Yep. I might even enter it into the county fair. Oh, you know-' She opened the door, letting her father walk into the house first. 'Mr. Walker entered me and Skylar into a small rodeo next weekend.'

'Did he? Don't they require parental signature for entry?'

She shrugged. 'I don't know. I've been to a couple rodeos now, he's always entered me without problem. Last rodeo I placed third in the barrel racing.'

'Weren't good enough for first?'

'I mucked up Skylar's leads, she was on the wrong lead for the first half of the pattern.'

'You've never been good enough to get first, remember that talent show thing you wanted to enter?'

Her cheeks burned red. She knew exactly what he was talking about. She had wanted so badly to make him proud of her that she had become too nervous and froze on stage in front of the whole crowd. 'I have gotten better since then…'

'I should hope so, you were quite the embarrassment. The daughter of Macey Stanton and you couldn't even sing a note.'

'I-I should go get ready.'

He waved her off, going to the fridge to get himself a beer.

Maddie's eyes stung with tears as she made her way to her room. Why did he have to bring that talent show up? Why couldn't he be proud that she had gotten third in the rodeo? Abeline and Bonham had been so happy for her, why could they be and not her own father? All she wanted was to make him proud, that was all she had ever wanted.

The words cut deep into her heart like a knife, tears slipping down her cheeks as she unbuttoned her work shirt and slipped out of her work jeans. Maybe the Walkers were fakes, maybe she didn't deserve anyone being proud of her….

Her eyes fell on her pocket knife Bonham had given her when she first started work on the ranch and she picked it up, running a finger across the sharp blade when she opened it. With no hesitation she drew it across her leg, watching as the blood seeped from the cuts she made on her thighs. When she had finally made herself bleed enough she closed the knife and stood there, tears running down her face. The pain numbed her heart. She wasn't deserving of her father's pride… All she had ever been was a disappointment to him…

'Maddie, if you want to go look at the kittens you best hurry up.'

His loud shout made her jump, bringing her back to reality and she quickly cleaned the blood from off her legs with some tissues and hid them beneath her bed. Her face set with determination, she dressed herself then did her hair and put on the makeup that Stella had given her. Putting on her hat she stepped out of her room, heading to the living room where her father sat in his chair, beer can in hand. 'I'm ready to go.' She announced, struggling to keep her voice steady.

'About time…' He remarked as he stood and tossed the can onto the floor. 'Let's go.'


Maddie stood closely to her father, observing the vet's office quietly as he spoke with the lady at the desk. The pain from the cuts she had made on her legs slowly had subsided, the teen instead biting her nails nervously. It had been months since she had been out in public with her father, what if she did or said something wrong…

'Alright, if you would like to follow through here-' The vet nurse stated as she stood, opening a door beside her and let them go through first. 'We've got quite a few different kittens looking for homes. They're ready to go, they've been desexed and are up to date with vaccinations and worming. Are you looking for anything in particular?' She questioned, looking at the girl.

Maddie glanced up at her father, Robert giving her a slight nod and she turned back to the woman. 'Not really, I want a kitten to choose me.'

'Fair enough.' She opened another door, this one leading into a room with cages lined up against the wall. 'Take a look, if one of them catches your eye just let me know and I'll bring it out of the cage for you.'

She nodded, stepping up to the cages as her father stayed back to speak with the woman. Three meowing calico kittens ran to the front of the cage, pressing their little faces against the bars. She smiled, giving each of them a little pat then not really feeling a connection to any of them, started onto the next cage.

It was in the third cage that a kitten caught her eye, a little black one that was curled up on a shelf. Two other kittens were playing with a ball in the cage but it didn't take much notice of them, the black kitten getting up to come to her. 'Hello there.' She let the curious kitten sniff her finger, a slight smile spreading across her lips as it's rough tongue scratched her skin. A soft rumble began to come from its throat as it rubbed against her finger and her smile widened. 'You're coming home with me.' She said softly, rubbing its white chin. She lingered a moment longer, laughter coming from the woman as she spoke with her father. 'I'll be right back, promise.' Quietly she returned to her father's side, waiting patiently to be noticed.

'Have you found one you like?'

She nodded. 'The little black one with the white bib and paws.'

'Alright, let's get her out then.' The lady opened the cage and picked the kitten up, placing her in the girls hands. 'This one was the runt of the litter, someone found the mother and its siblings abandoned on the highway.'

'Oh you poor little thing…' She cooed, rubbing its chin as it continued to purr loudly.

'Well, she'll be well loved with us.' Robert spoke up. 'Maddie loves her animals, takes after me.'

'You don't want to meet any of the other kittens?'

Maddie shook her head. 'I choose this one, she's perfect.'

'Wonderful. I'll go collect the paperwork.'

'One moment-' He interrupted as she started to the door. 'We can't take her with us right now, can we pick her up in a couple hours? We need to go buy some things for her.'

'Of course, that's no problem at all. I'll mark down that she's been adopted, we can finish the paperwork when you come to collect.'

'We appreciate it. Give the kitten back to the nice lady, Maddie. We'll go to the pet shop now.'

'Okay.' Quickly she pressed a kiss to the kitten's forehead and passed her back. The kitten protested with a soft meow as it was returned to the cage, rubbing against the bars. 'I'll be back soon, promise.'

She followed her father back out to his truck, smiling with happiness. She was going to have a pet again, her own pet!

'Why didn't you choose one of the calico's?' Robert questioned, reversing out of their parking space. 'Those were a lot prettier.'

'She chose me, I think she's perfect.'

'Suit yourself.' He shrugged. 'I'd have chosen the calico.'

Maybe I should get one of them instead? She thought as they pulled back onto the street. A picture of the little black kitten came to mind and she shook her head. No. The kitten had chosen her, regardless of what he thought, she was the right one.

Petsmart was in a shopping complex not too far from the vet clinic, Maddie again surveying her surroundings warily as she stayed close to her dad. So far, so good. She hadn't messed up, hadn't said or did something wrong and was trying her hardest to be on her best behaviour.

'Hey Maddie-'

Robert growled next to her ear, seeing the ranger woman out of the corner of his eye. 'Keep walking, ignore her.'

Micki quickened her pace to catch up, catching Maddie's arm. 'Fancy seeing you here.'

Maddie chuckled nervously as they stopped, glancing to her father. 'Dad and I are doing some shopping for my new kitten.'

'Well aren't you a lucky girl?'

She smiled and nodded. 'Dad, this is Miss Ramirez, she's Mr. Walker's partner.'

'Good to meet you.' Robert shook her hand after a slight hesitation.

'Likewise.' Micki replied, taking note of the way Maddie's eyes darted around nervously. 'Well I won't keep you from your shopping, it was good to see you Maddie, and to meet you, Mr. Adams.'

Maddie was greatly relieved as Cordell's partner left, breathing a sigh of relief. 'Sorry Dad, I tried to ignore her-'

'Forget it.' He hissed, glancing back at the Ranger woman after a moment. She was lining up to get a coffee in the food court but was still watching them until they disappeared around a corner. 'How well does she know you?'

'Not well, I've only seen her a few times when I've been working at the Walkers and she dropped in to visit them. She seems nice though.'

'I don't want you to speak with her, understood?'

Maddie nodded. 'Is she a bad person?'

'Remember when I told you we had to be careful? You don't want to be taken away from me, do you?'

She shook her head. 'I've been careful Dad, promise. Now that you're back, everything will be alright again…' Her voice trailed off as they came to the pet store, her father taking a shopping cart from the bay. 'How much money do we have to spend?'

'Don't worry about the money, like I said, the job was well paying. You get whatever you want for the kitten, I'm sure you know what you'll need.'

The teen was like a toddler in a candy store, choosing carefully the items she would need for her new pet. A self cleaning litter tray and litter were the first things to be added to the cart, next was a secure carry cage. Food and water bowls were picked up, Maddie choosing to stick to a pink theme. 'What about food Dad?'

He glanced up from his phone, pushing the cart up to where she stood in front of the cat food section. 'They have the food she's been on for sale back at the clinic, we can pick that up when we collect her. You might want to get a storage container though.'

She nodded, adding two large metal tins to the cart. Glancing back at her father, he was on his phone texting again. She sighed, continuing on down the aisle to the bed selections. Even though he was with her, he wasn't with her. Choosing a plush pink bed she looked back at him. 'Dad, could you put your phone away-'

'Have you got a problem Maddie?'

'No, no. I just want to spend time with you, you've been gone for so long.'

'Fine, I'll deal with this later.' He slipped the phone back into his pocket. 'I hope you appreciate this.'

'I do, I can't thank you enough Dad.' She picked up two pink collars, one with silver stars, the other with silver hearts. 'Which one? Stars or hearts?'

He shrugged. 'Does it matter?'

'I guess not…' After a moment she chose the star collar then chose a pink harness and lead set. 'Why didn't you ring me while you were gone?' She asked as they headed to the toy section. 'I was worried for you.'

'I can take care of myself, I know you can look after yourself too. You seem to have managed just fine without me, like you normally do.'

'Just because I can doesn't mean I don't need you, I need you here, with me Dad. I don't like it when you have to go away.' His only reply was a grunt as she stopped to look at the scratching posts, choosing a medium sized one that had a couple perches and hiding boxes attached. The box went into the cart, then a large assortment of different toys. She thought for a minute after she had added the last packet of toy mice to the pile. 'I think that's everything. Do you think I've forgotten anything?'

'You've forgotten brushes.'

'Damn.' She facepalmed, quickly choosing a couple.

'You'd forget your head too if it wasn't screwed on.'

'Haha.' Maddie retaunted. 'Anything else?'

'Looks like you've got everything.' They started to the register and he pulled his wallet out to get ready to pay. 'How does some ice cream sound before we go pick her up?'


'Welcome to your new home-' Maddie spoke softly as she opened the door of the carrier, the black kitten sniffing around before stepping out cautiously into the living room. 'Bubbles.'

'Bubbles?' Robert questioned, taking a drink of beer as he sat in his chair. 'Why on earth would you name it Bubbles?'

She shrugged. 'It suits her.'

'If you say so…' He picked up the remote, flicking the tv onto the sports channel. 'Now scram, both of you. I've had a long day.'

Taking the cue it was time to make herself scarce she picked up her kitten and headed back to her room. Once the door was closed behind her she set Bubbles down on the floor, climbing onto her bed as the kitten started to explore. She'd set the room up for her before she let her out, the scratching post set up in the corner with her food and water bowl close by. She smiled as Bubbles scampered up the post, climbing onto one of the perches to sniff around.

Her phone pinged with a message and she pulled it out to check it.

Heya Mads- Stella had written. Mawline said your Dad came home today! Great news!

Thanks! Dad bought me a little present….

What is it?

Hey, let me have a moment to get a photo.

Come on, I'm dying to know what it is.

Maddie chuckled, taking a quick photo of the kitten. Meet Bubbles. Aka, cuteness overload.

OMG! She is so adorable!

I know, right? I'm pretty excited right now, it's been years since I've had a pet.

When do I get to meet her?

I'll have to find out what Dad's plans are- She paused typing as the tv was turned up louder, sighing. I was hoping to spend some time with him this week, but we'll see what happens. Good luck with your soccer game. Last one before state, right?

Yep. Hopefully my Dad will be able to come watch.

Well good luck, I promise I'll drop by soon and bring Bubbles over for ya'll to meet my little munchkin.

Looking forward to it. XO

Turning off her phone, she flopped back onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She sighed heavily, the sounds of the football game her father was watching loud in her ears. Well, I guess it could be worse… She thought with another sigh. He could still be out of town working.