Natsuki Subaru was floating in an abyss.

He couldn't see.

He couldn't speak.

He couldn't hear.

He couldn't smell.

Nor could he feel touch.

Yet he knew he existed.

He thought he would have to spend eternity in this void, never to be able to see, speak, smell, feel or hear again.

Until he heard a voice.

"Wake the fuck up Sage Candidate. We got a country to burn." Spoke a deep, calm voice.

"Huh, what ?" Natsuki Subaru woke up abruptly.

It took him some time to adjust his eyes properly to the surroundings because he wasn't able see anything till that moment.

When Subaru finally had his vision restored, he looked towards the source of the voice. It was a man. A really tall one. He was probably 8 foot tall. The man was wearing a blue-black trenchcoat with neon lights at the ends, a gold and silver colored shirt and highly detailed blue pants, along with a black fedora above his fac- face?

"AAARRGH!!" Subaru yelled for his life as he gaped at the place where a face should be, there was darkness. It had the shape of a normal face, yet it was completely pitch black.

"H-Hey man, calm down. I know I look scary, but you need to relax. I'm not gonna hurt you." The man said, the movement of his pitch black mouth visible to Subaru.

Subaru tried to relax after hearing the man's word. He looked to his surroundings. He was on a king size bed, in a lavish room that would even make a king's room look humble. The man , standing on his right, seeing that Subaru has calmed down, decided to talk to him.

"Well, now do you feel relaxed." The man spoke calmly.

"First of all, who are you ? Second of all, where am I ?" Subaru questioned in a desperate tone. The 8 foot tall man's face was creeping him right now.

"Ah, where are my manners. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm an entity that surpasses time and space. I'm the essence of the world. A spiritual being, older than time and-"

"Cut the over the top bullshit. That was so….cringey." Subaru said, making a weirded out expression.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I regretted speaking those words the second they came out of my mouth." The man said, crossing his arms.

"Just call me the Warden." He said, making Subaru wonder.

"Why are you called Warden ?" Subaru asked curiously.

"I mean I kidnap people, hold them captive against their will, make them watch some melodramatic shit, feed them regularly and provide residence, stop them from fighting among themselves. So yeah, a Warden." The Warden spoke proudly, puffing out his chest.

"Oh, ok...wait what ? What do you do those people ?" Subaru asked nervously, fearing for his life since he was a captive of the Warden too.

"Don't worry, I never hurt anyone. I just make people face the reality, the truth." The Warden looked down at Subaru with an unsettling smile.

"W-What truth or reality are you talking about ?" Subaru was shivering at the sight of the Warden smiling down at him. Too his relief, the smile changed into a serious expression.

"The truth about your deaths. The reality that no one except you remembers." The Warden spoke, closing his pitch black eyes.

Time stopped for Subaru. WHAT ? His deaths ? How does he know about them ? How can he- Subaru then remembered the Warden talking about being an entity that surpasses time and space. He had understood by that point that the Warden isn't a normal human. Is that why he knew about return by death ?

"Y-You...know about return...by death ?" Subaru didn't feel the pain of getting his heart crushed as he questioned the warden, though he already knew the answer.

The Warden simply nodded.

"I CAN RETURN BY DEATH!" Subaru roared, jumping on the bed and surprising the Warden, who started smiling. Thankfully, it was a genuine smile and not a creepy one.

Subaru was elated to find he was finally able to speak about his curse which had plagued his heart and soul ever since he arrived in this hell of a world. It had been a long time since he had spoken to Echidna about his curse in her tea party. Subaru felt refreshed after a long period of time, as if someone had taken a burden off his head.

Subaru turned to the Warden with a big smile. "I don't know who you are, Warden. But thank you. I feel really great right now."

"Think nothing of it." The Warden waved him off with a slight chuckle.

"Still, I wonder why my heart didn't get...you know, crushed or you didn't die." Subaru asked the Warden the question of the day.

"Oh that's because the witch of Envy can't do shit to me. I mean we're in a different plane of existence. We are not in the world of Od Laguna." The Warden spoke as if it was the most boring thing he has ever said.

"Huh. Not in our world. Another plane of existence. How can you do that ?" Subaru was getting anxious. He didn't want to be away from his friends.

"You know. Spiritual being and shit. Piece of cake." The Warden puffed out his chest in pride.

"Ah okay. But what am I doing here with you." Subaru was really nervous at that point.

"You're the protagonist. Of course you have to be here." The Warden said with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Yeah alright. I'm the protagonist. Hero, savior, bullcrap, whatever. Okay, listen. I'm happy that I was able to speak about return by death, but I need to go back to my friends. I need to be with them." Subaru pleaded to the Warden.

"Your friends. Don't worry you will meet them soon. They're in this place too." The Warden addressed the black haired boy, who was sweating hard.

"What ? What are they doing here ? You kidnapped them too!" Subaru blurted out.

"Yeah, I kidnapped them but don't say it like that. It makes me feel like I'm the villain. You don't need to worry about them, they're alright. Although alright won't be the correct word I should use for them, especially after the rabbit death." The Warden thought of the last sentence in his mind.

Subaru took a deep breath, especially because if the Warden turned out to be evil, then there's no way he would be able to defeat him, even with RBD, since he can basically control time and space. Though a question plagued his mind.

"What are they doing right now ?" Subaru asked, waiting with bated breathes for the Warden to answer.

"They're currently watching you die again and again." The Warden spoke without a hint of indifference one would normally have on their faces when saying those words.

"Watching me die again and- ?" WHAT. Subaru's eyes widened.

"You didn't." Subaru spoke with an uneasy smile.

"Yes I did. They've all watched your journey, your deaths and your scars that only you can remember." The Warden replied with a smile too.

"WHAAAAAT ? NO. No, you're joking right now. You can't be serious." Subaru wished that the Warden was just kidding with him, which was fortunately or unfortunately not the case.

"I'm a very serious person." The Warden deadpanned.

No

No

No

No

NO

"AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH." Subaru screamed in anguish.

"Why did you do it ? Everything was going just fine as it is. There was no need for anyone to be troubled with what I need to handle. I need to take that burden. That's one good thing my pathetic self is good at. Why did you have to ruin it. WHY ?" Subaru yelled at the Warden, his mind was going numb from the tension he felt at that moment. No one needs to know about the fact that Natsuki Subaru was a coward, worthless, undeserving being who couldn't even save the people he loved. No one needed to know about the disgusting power of his. No one needed to know that they've died several times. Only Subaru was allowed to feel the pain of the result of his actions, his slothfulness, his-

SMACK

Subaru's mind went back to normal after getting punched by the Warden. He had grabbed his head but he felt no pain. Instead, he felt calmness spreading in him. He felt peace. Apparently the warden's punches have a similar effect to those of the witch of wrath, Minerva's.

Speaking of the Warden, he was looking at Subaru with a disappointed gaze. Though he had already seen it coming, he still had hoped that Subaru would react better than he expected.

"Listen here you dumbass, I didn't fight the Bitch of Envy, the Watcher and all those multiverse jumping assholes just for you to cry about being a worthless mutt. You're a hero. A great one indeed. Fuck Minerva! That busty hypocrite doesn't know what she's talking about. You need to see yourself as someone who has done shit no one else could do. Ninety-nine percent of people would have ran away and yet you stayed back to save all your friends. Now I don't know whether you were simping or you did it because you felt you had a moral obligation to do it. It doesn't matter. You gotta think of yourself as amazing. You should have a feeling like 'Damn, I really did that shit. I did that. I saved everyone. I'm the hero.' You gotta be like that."

Hearing the Warden's words, Subaru couldn't help but be paralyzed. He thought of his achievements, and how much he had done which his past self could dream of doing. He realized that he was a hero, a cool bastard. Tears began flowing from his eyes.

"Dude, are you crying ?" The Warden asked.

"No sob, no I'm not crying, you're crying sob." Subaru spoke through his tears.

"Man, with that speech I did. I really felt like Uncle Ben, doing the great power, great responsibility shit." The Warden chuckled. Subaru laughed with him.

"Alright man, let's go." The Warden said, ready to move.

"Yeah, sure. I'm feeling really nervous. How do I face them ?" Subaru whined.

"Don't worry, just go and tell them 'You all are a bunch of pathetic losers. I need to carry y'all. You all can't do shit. You all suck.' Easy peasy lemon squeezy." The Warden said with a sarcastic expression.

"That feels like something Ram would say." Subaru laughed. The Warden was a very friendly guy.

"Wait, did you say you fought Satella?! How did you do that." Subaru was shocked and awed.

"I dunno. But that shit was crazy. Well you don't need to worry about that for now. You won't meet your friends now. Their viewings are still left. They've just started watching the If realities." The Warden casually spoke.

"If realities ? What ?" Subaru stopped in his tracks.

"The multiverse is full of endless possibilities. They're watching how the world went differently in the other realities. The reality in which you belong to, is the Envy reality." The Warden explained.

"The multiverse exists ? HOLY SHIT!" Subaru yelled incredulously. "Man, I always wanted to meet my otherworldly counterparts and see what's different with them."

"I can do that." The Warden smiled.

"Really!" Subaru had stars in his eyes.

"Really!" The Warden replied back.

"LET'S FREAKING GOOO." For Subaru this was a dream come true.

"Yeah, since the viewings will take time to finish. I can have you meet the different Subarus in the meantime." The Warden said, happy at the sight of a delighted Subaru.

"Thanks man. Thanks a lot." Subaru was thankful to the Warden for doing so much for a pathet- no an amazing person like him.

"No problemo." The Warden took out a device that looked somewhat like a tablet and started finding something in it.

"Oh yeah sure. I'm pumped up as hell." Subaru said. He was about to do his cringey ass pose when the Warden stopped his hand with a serious expression.

"Please don't do that stupid ass pose. I'll die from cringe." The Warden actually sounded like he wanted to die.

"Oh ok then." Subaru hid his face. He didn't knew how cringey his iconic pose looked.

"Alrighty then, get ready to meet a fuckton of Subarus. I'll meet you later when my work is done. I gotta take care of the audience too. What am I ? A babysitter ?"

As the Warden ended his sentence with a snap of his fingers, Subaru found himself teleported to a huge hall, brightly lit, lined with pillars and curtains and highly decorated. As he looked in his surroundings, he saw atleast a couple hundred people teleport out of nowhere in front of him.

"Umm, hello ?" Subaru greeted with awkwardness.

A few of the Subarus walked towards him. Subaru was creeped out as he was seeing hundreds of people looking exactly like him. It looked really uncanny.

The first Subaru that walked to him wore a huge black and orange coat, black pants and denim shoes. His coat was open and he wasn't wearing a shirt underneath, so one could see his well-built muscles. His hair was fuzzy and his eyes were partially close. All in all, he looked much more handsome than himself.

The second Subaru was dressed in the butler outfit he used to wear before becoming a knight. This Subaru looked identical to him, from his expressions to his hair style, as opposed to the previous Subaru.

Envybaru: So since we're all here now, how about we introduce ourselves. I'll start. Natsuki Subaru the one and only knight of Emilia.

Re:Zero Hour Baru: Honestly perhaps that would've been my fate had I not made that contract with Satella. Because now I kinda like Satella more.

Sagebaru: Why pick only one? A true man would get them both.

Both Envybaru and Re: Zero Hour Baru: What!? How did you manage that?

?: Why even bother with Emilia? She is just a filthy backstabber. Priscilla might be mean, but at least she doesn't abandon me if I treat her "specially".

The Subaru that spoke up, though looking just like Envybaru, was wearing clothes he had never worn before. He was wearing a large red jacket, riddled with gems and jewels. He also had black pants with golden embroidery and black shoes with golden laces. It was easily the most expensive set of clothes Subaru could ever dream of wearing.

Envybaru: What do you mean!? You picked Priscilla over Emilia just because Emilia was mad at you, even though Priscilla kicked you across a room?

Priscilla If Baru: Kicked me? What are you talking about? Priscilla helped me against Sloth, but then Emilia thought I was a traitor and kicked me out of the camp.

Re: Zero Hour Baru: Wait. You got Priscilla to help you?

?: You know. I'm kinda confused at who these Priscilla and Emilia people are? Mind filling me in?

Envy Baru: You don't know who the Royal Candidates are? You know the people competing to be the next rulers of Lugnica?

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: But isn't the Royal Family currently ruling over Lugnica.

Envybaru: What ? No. They all died.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: Huh? ...

Sagebaru: Who is the current Sword Saint in your world?

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: Umm, Fribal.

Envybaru and Re: Zero Hour Baru: Who ?

Sagebaru: Fribal is Reinhard's great grandfather. So you have been isekaied approximately 80 or so years before us.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: Well that explains it. Also. Since we're already talking about girls we like. I'm just gonna say Emma is my number one. Oh wait you guys don't know who that is. I mean the princess of Lugnica and 3rd child of the king Emerada Lugnica.

Sagebaru: The princess huh? Well I'm glad for you. I hope you can set her on a brighter path.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: What is that supposed to mean?

Sagebaru: Due to interference from Pandora, she will later become Capella Emerada Lugnica, also known as the Archbishop of Lust.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: No way! She's too full of herself to join those maniacs.

Sagebaru: Reality warpers don't really follow logic when achieving their goals.

?: Hello there!

Envybaru: G̶e̶n̶e̶r̶a̶l̶ ̶K̶e̶n̶o̶b̶i̶!̶ Umm, hello. You look older than us.

The new Subaru that came to them looked like a man in his late twenties. He was wearing a black kimono and his hair was really long. His eyes looked healthy, which was uncharacteristic of a Subaru.

Slothbaru: Oh, yeah I'm 30 years old.

Priscilla If Baru: 30 years? I really want to see how our friends will look at that age.

Slothbaru: Ah, you should see Milf Rem. She looks like a total bombshell.

Envybaru: Milf-HAHAHA-Rem!? HAHAHAHA starts rolling on the floor

Priscilla If Baru: Oh I really want to see Milf Rem. I don't think she can compete with Priscilla in proportions…. Wait, now I want to see Milf Priscilla.

Sagebaru: Ah, if only Satella could age. Milf Satella….

All of the Subarus have a good laugh.

Sagebaru: Your hair looks really well.

Slothbaru: Thanks, Rem and I decided to grow our hair once we settled down.

Envybaru: Cool, anyw- wait what? Rem is awake in your reality?!

Slothbaru: Y-yeah. What do you mean awake ?

Envybaru: Why did she got comatose in my reality? Wait, did you…?

Sagebaru: Don't tell me.

Slothbaru: Y-yeah. Me and Rem ran away to Karara- gets punched by Envybaru

Priscilla If Baru: Kick his ass.

Sagebaru: Get 'em!!

Envybaru: YOU'RE THE WORST, LITERALLY THE WORST. You've done something which is completely out of character for us. YOU GAVE UP. How can you leave them to die ? SUBARUS NEVER GIVE UP GODDAMMIT. I had given up hope but Rem helped me stand back. Whereas you just ran away. You are….truly slothful.

A mad glint appears in Envybaru's eyes.

Sagebaru: Brooo….

Priscilla If Baru: Hey man, you okay ?

Envybaru: Yeah...yeah I'm fine. I can't just believe it. Emilia and all others are dead in his reality and he's enjoying life somewhere else.

Slothbaru: whimpers and makes himself small

Priscilla If Baru: We're getting of topic here. What about you crossdresser. Who are you with ?

Envybaru: Hey, we all are masters of crossdressing, but damn, this is on another level.

The newcomer was an elegant lady, dressed in red and white clothes. She had a side bang which covered her left eye and her jet black hair was in a braid, reminding everyone of Elsa the gut hunter.

Natsumi: Crossdresser!? I'll let you know I'm a girl.

Almost everyone in unison: WHAT?!

Sagebaru: So, we have different genderbent versions too.

Priscilla If Baru: Seems legit.

Natsumi: Also for your information I think that Reinhard is pretty cute!

Envybaru: Uhh, I don't know how to feel about that.

?: Oh? I not only have a lot of big bros, but also a big sis?!

The voice that spoke came from a younger looking Subaru. His eyes were twinkling, as if jumping from excitement. He was wearing a scarf on his neck, and he had a dagger in a sheath behind his back.

Natsumi: Awww. Aren't you just the cutest? But wait. Aren't you a little too young for another world. How did you manage?

Golden Siblings Baru: Well. Mr. Rom took me in. So I've been living with him and this girl Felt.

Re: Zero Hour Baru: So you're with those two?

Golden Siblings Baru: Yea! Mr. Rom is super nice to us and Felt is the coolest. Despite being a year younger than me, she can run up walls with a cool wind ability.

Sagebaru: A year younger huh? You are really inconsistent Satella.

Envybaru : points at Natsumi's chest Jeez, these are huge. How big are they ?

Natsumi : smacks Envybaru That's no way to talk to a lady.

Envybaru: H-Hey, we're all the same.

Priscilla If Baru: Whatever, Priscilla's chest is larger than Emilia's.

Slothbaru: I think Rem's chest is larger than Emilia's.

Envybaru: to Slothbaru SHUT UP!! YOU DON'T GET TO TALK YOU PATHETIC LOSER!

Slothbaru: makes himself small again

Envybaru: turns to Priscilla If Baru No they're not.

?: Yes they are.

Envybaru: Huh? Now who are you?

The person in question looked so elegant that even the perfectly smooth bastard Julius would be put to shame. The attire screamed royalty. His clothes were riddled in gold and red and he wore a white cape with gold and silver embroidery. On top of his head, sat a golden crown with the symbol of a dragon. His attire outshined even Priscilla If Baru's attire.

Lustbaru: Ah, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the 42nd king of the dragon kingdom of Lugnica, Natsuki Subaru.

He spoke very calmly, with a smirk on his face. There was something charming about his voice. It was very...relaxing, like ASMR. The others could hear his voice for hours, simply enchanted by it.

Sagebaru: A king, much more of a desirable position than a sage.

Envybaru: So you're a king. Man, I wish I would also become a king once this bullshit is over. Still how can you say that Priscilla's chest is larger than Emilia's.

Lustbaru: Cuz she's my wife.

Priscilla If Baru: Huh, you married Priscilla! Great choice pal. I'll be sure to follow in your steps.

Envybaru: WHAT? You left Emilia? How can you do that?

Slothbaru: Don't tell me you left Rem too.

Lustbaru:Hey hey, calm down man, I didn't leave her. I married her too. She's one of my wives and so is Rem. Chill.

Sagebaru: One of your...wives. How many wives do you have dude ?

Lustbaru starts counting with his fingers, which were less than required so he started counting with his toes. He starts scratching his head.

Lustbaru: mutters Hmm, Pretty sure I didn't count my Vollachian wives, how many are there ?

Envybaru: Just tell their names.

Lustbaru: Ahh, ok. Emilia,

Envybaru:YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Priscilla If Baru: Meh.

"Rem,"

Slothbaru: Ah thank God.

Envybaru: YES!

"Priscilla,"

Priscilla If Baru: The madlad did it!!

Re:Zero Hour Baru: Marrying Priscilla is harder than winning the throne.

Envybaru: Well, it's alright I guess. Emilia is still his wife.

Sagebaru: She didn't open a bakery ? Hmmm.

Slothbaru: Huh, why would she ever open a bakery ?

"Crusch,"

Sagebaru: Okay ?

Envybaru: Well...I did say I could've fell for her.

"Anastasia,"

Re:Zero Hour Baru: Never thought much about her.

Envybaru: Hmpf, Emilia is better than that fox.

Lustbaru: Dude are you kidding me ? Have you seen her hips ? Emilia's thighs are great but Ana's hips are on another level. And she's so warm and fluffy. I always hug her while sleeping.

Sagebaru: Yeah yeah, we get it. Jeez, calm down.

Envybaru: This guy is pretty serious about the girls.

"Felt,"

Envybaru: Did I hear that correctly?

Priscilla If Baru: Dude, what ?

Other Barus: Bruv, she thinks of us as her big brother.

Golden Siblings Baru: W-What?

"Frederica,"

Envybaru: Hmm, never thought much about sharp teeth.

Sagebaru : Getting a mouth from her must hurt.

Lustbaru : You have no idea.

Slothbaru: This guy is nuts.

Priscilla If Baru: He's on another level of chadness.

"Petra,"

Envybaru: silence

Priscilla If Baru: silence

Sagebaru: Please tell me that I heard it wrong.

Re:Zero Hour Baru:...Dude! What are you talking about ? Are you fucking with me ?!

?: Now listen here, I commit all sorts of crimes but even I don't indulge in pedophilia.

The criminal who spoke up, looked very feeble. He was wearing a shawl and some plain clothing. What really stood out, was his face. He had a look that would easily give kids, no their parents, nightmares. His eyes looked dead, devoid of life. His voice felt intimidating, anyone would assume him to be in the authority in a group.

Lustbaru: Hey don't worry man, I married her when she was an adult.

Envybaru: That's still creepy.

Priscilla If Baru: Crimes ? Who the fuck are you ?

Wrathbaru: You better speak politely if you don't want your head chopped off. Well, I'm Natsuki Subaru, the founder of the most dreaded criminal organization in the world, Pleiades.

Sagebaru: You really had to name your gang after my watchtower.

Wrathbaru: IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION!!

Sagebaru: Yeah yeah, we get it.

Lustbaru: Sooo, why is your CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION so dreaded ?

Wrathbaru: My reign of terror is widespread. I have killed more than a hundred thousand people, deciding their fate on heads or tails.

Natsumi: Heads...or tails?!

Wrathbaru: I've dealings with the Witch Cult. All four great nations fear me. My castle, Pandemonium, is the strongest fortress ever built. I've the strongest warriors of Kararagi and Vollachia, Halibel the Admirer and Cecilus Segmunt, the Blue Lightning, by my side. All the countries fear me.

Natsumi: You need some help.

Sagebaru: Now that's definitely terrifying, how did you manage to do all of that ?

Wrathbaru: Took a thousand loops and my otherworldly knowledge.

Envybaru: Damn, I knew I would surely have some evil counterparts but this is outright scary.

Priscilla If Baru: You're evil, but you're also badass. So people know you as Natsuki Subaru or do you have an alias ?

Wrathbaru: I'm called the Purge King !! Whom no one dares to defy.

Envybaru: silence

Priscilla If Baru: silence

Sagebaru: silence

Lustbaru: looks down with a disappointed gaze Really ?

Wrathbaru: What do you mean ? It's a name that strikes unparalleled fear through a person's heart.

Envybaru: Nahhhh.

There was a murmur of disagreement in the crowd of Subarus.

Priscilla If Baru: You really think that ? Meh.

Wrathbaru: What ? What happened ? Why are you all saying nothing ?

Natsumi: starts giggling

Envybaru: slowly starts laughing

Sagebaru: tries to muffle his laughter but fails AHAHAHAHAHA!!

Wrathbaru: Huh?!

Envybaru: He calls himself The Purge Kin-AHAHAHAHA!

Priscilla If Baru: He really thinks it's a cool name. starts rolling on the floor

Wrathbaru: W-What ? I'll kill you. See this coin I'll flip it and decide your fate.

Priscilla If Baru: And how do you plan to kill me. Gonna choke me with that gay ass shawl ?

Natsumi: What was he thinking ? laughs uncontrollably Even Joe has a better name.

Wrathbaru: Joe who ?

Envybaru: JOE MAMA!

Natsumi: Got you bitch.

Lustbaru: Lugunicans are cringey I admit, but I didn't expect this guy to be the same.

Envybaru: laughs Imagine he wakes up everyday laughs again Sees himself in the mirror laughs once again And thinks 'Hmm, you know what would be a badass name to hear ? PURGE KING!!' joins Priscilla If Baru on the floor

Wrathbaru: starts tearing up

Natsumi: Aww, look he's crying.What were you planning to call your kid ? Purge Princess ? HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Envybaru: HAHAHAHA What was your other option ? CRINGE LORD@69 ? HAHAHAHAHAAH!!

Priscilla If Baru: HAHAHA I was really scared of him for a moment but then he revealed his gay ass title. gets a stroke

Wrathbaru: starts backing off

Lustbaru: HAHAHAHA Look at that wannabe King run!

Envybaru: Hey you, don't run. I'll give you a better name. KING OF DEEZ NUTS!

Wrathbaru: runs away, deeply embarrassed

They all take a moment to calm down after making the most evil overlord cry.

Lustbaru: So anyways ….Umm, Melty Pristis.

Envybaru : Who ?

Priscilla If Baru : Who ?

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green : Who indeed ?

Sagebaru : You defiled that pure and innocent nun ? OF THE DRAGON CHURCH!

Lustbaru : Yeah I fucked her. And I'll fucking do it again when I go back.

Sagebaru : Every day we stray further away from God.

Lustbaru : Zarestia.

Slothbaru: Dude how many times you died ?

Envybaru : kicks Slothbaru Shut up! You don't get to talk, loser.

Slothbaru : starts crying

Sagebaru: She's more than a thousand years old dickhead.

Lustbaru: Doesn't matter, she looks young so I'll smash that spiritual ass.

Sagebaru: Urghhh...

"Elsa,"

Re:Zero Hour Baru: His nuts are made of the same metal which the dragon sword Reid is made of and his dick is forged by the Sword God.

Golden SiblingsBaru: You're joking.

Envybaru: Now why the hell did you marry that Gut hunter?! She killed us multiple times, like pretty fucking horribly.

Lustbaru: She is pretty sexy tho.

Envybaru: Well...can't argue with that.

Lustbaru: Other than that, I also have a secret witch harem.

Natsumi: Excluding Typhon and Daphne right.

Lustbaru: smiles

Natsumi: Excluding Typhon and Daphne, RIGHT ?

Lustbaru: smiles

Sagebaru: Ahh, atleast Satella is happy.

Envybaru: And the witch of Envy is mad as heck.

Sagebaru: OH SHIT!

Lustbaru: Oh don't worry about that, I have tamed her too. winks

Envybaru: Did you really solve all your problems with seggs.

Lustbaru: smiles widely YEAH. You should also try it too.

Envybaru: Pretty sure Ram would castrate me if I even dared to make a move on Emilia.

"Ahh, Shaula,"

Sagebaru: Ahh, thank you, I guess. Shaula would be really happy, married with her master.

Lustbaru: She's pretty wild in bed.

Sagebaru:...I didn't want to hear that.

Priscilla If Baru: Dude, you're simply amazing..

Re:Zero Hour Baru: He's not a dude. You're a dude. He, he is a man. A true, beautiful, muscular man.

Lustbaru: And I still haven't counted my Vollachian wives. Well there is Yorna, Arakiya, Mizelda and Medium and alot more that's gonna take me a while to remember.

Envybaru: Man, he's living the Isekai Dream. I don't even want to know how many times he has died to achieve this.

Lustbaru: Trust me, you don't want to know.

Sagebaru: Was it, worth it?

Lustbaru: Oh definitely, nothing's better than bossing over Julius and clapping different varieties of cheeks everyday and every night.

Envybaru: I can agree with that Julius part.

Priscilla If Baru: We're getting sidetracked. This wasn't the topic we were talking about.

Sagebaru: Yeah, we should talk about-

Priscilla If Baru: Priscilla's breasts. They're larger than Emilia's, aren't they?

Sagebaru: Duh.

Lustbaru: Yeah man. She's got the largest chest in all of the world. I just bury my face in them. Minerva and Elsa are just behind.

Priscilla If Baru: See, my Priscilla is number one. Now whatch ya gonna do?

Envybaru: Urgghh.

Sagebaru: Don't be too excited, Capella can increase her size with her authority.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: Oh, yeah. See, Emma is number one.

Priscilla If Baru: We believe in natural beauty. So that doesn't count.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: Pretty sure that the authority doesn't count as augmentation.

Sagebaru: How did this conversation evolve into breast talk.

Lustbaru: turns towards Natsumi Hey you there, You looking real cute.

Natsumi: Ah, Oh, umm, th-thanks.

Natsumi starts blushing wildly.

Lustbaru: See fellas, that's how you do it. That's just part of my charm. Girls can't help but fall for me.

Envybaru: TEACH ME SENSEI.

Sagebaru: Tch, damn womanizer bastard.

Re:Zero Hour Baru: When Satella said love yourself, she didn't mean this.

Meanwhile,

Golden Siblings Baru: H-He…I-I... Married? Felt Sis? WHAT THE FUCK?

Natsumi tries to calm down Golden Siblings Baru who is having an existential crisis.

Priscilla If Baru: What about you edgelord? Who are you working for?

Treachery Baru: Edgelord?!

The edgelord in question, did look like one of those edgy teenagers who think that talking rudely to others and destroying other's property is cool. His jet black hair was down, partially covering his eyes. He wore a black suit, similar to one a judge wears. Along with that, he was also wearing an annoyed expression.

Priscilla If Baru: Well you've been quiet this entire time, you're older than most of us and you have your hair down.

Envybaru: Yeah you look Sus.

Natsumi: Pretty Sus.

Sagebaru: Sussy sus.

Re:Zero Hour Baru: Amogus...

Treachery Baru: Cut the amogus crap. I've always had my hair down. I don't know why you clowns have it up. Also, unlike all of you I don't have the time nor the will to look for women to fawn over. I need to get back hom-

Envybaru: Yeah yeah. Basically you've never kissed a girl before. Simple as that.

Treachery Baru: Well, umm actually there was this one time, but...

Natsumi: Really!? Who was it?

Treachery Baru: Capella...

Everyone: silence

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green: My man! Clearly Emma is the best, no questions asked.

Treachery Baru: I didn't do it volunta-

Priscilla If: Bullshit! Priscilla is best girl and not some lunatic Archbishop or backstabbing half-elf.

Envybaru: Hey you take that back! Emilia is not a backstabber!

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: SHUT UP! EMMA IS NOT SOME LUNATIC ARCHBISHOP.

Re: Zero Hour Baru: Yeah. Emilia just didn't really have the most normal childhood so she doesn't think her age.

Priscilla If Baru: That doesn't excuse what she did!

Sagebaru: Let's all calm down. This can all be resolved peacefully.

A fight ensues

Meanwhile

Treachery Baru: I can't believe these morons are my alternate universe counterparts. Intelligence truly is a dying breed.

Golden Siblings Baru: Umm mister... Subaru?

Treachery Baru: What?

Golden Siblings Baru: Shouldn't we go see if the big bro over there is okay?

Treachery Baru: Hmmm...

Golden Siblings: Pretty please.

Treachery Baru: Fine. Just stop with the baby doll eyes.

Golden Siblings Baru: Yayyy. Thanks.

Later

Treachery Baru: Hey man. Are you okay?

Golden Siblings Baru: You've been crying here, this entire time.

Evilia's Baru: sobbing uncontrollably after listening to Envybaru talk about how great Emilia is in other realities

Envybaru: NO EMILIA IS NOT A CHILDISH BRAT, IT IS PUCK'S FAULT THAT SHE IS THAT WAY!! FUCK PUCK!!

Priscilla IF Baru: YOU FUCK PUCK! IT STILL DOESN'T EXCUSE WHAT SHE DID TO ME, I ONLY EVER TRIED TO HELP HER AND SHE BACKSTABBED ME!!

Re Zero HOUR Baru: Hey, even though I like Satella more, it is not Emilia's fault for what happened in the capital.

Sagebaru: ALL OF YOU CALM DOWN, YOU ALL ARE ACTING LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN ARGUING WHOSE CRUSH IS BETTER!!!

Treachery Baru: looks like he is comforting Evilia's Baru but is thinking how the hell did he get stuck in here because he has a damn country to run

Golden Sibling Baru: Now now, don't cry she will not hurt you here, you are safe with us.

Evilia's Baru: sobs louder

Natsumi: starts patting Evilia's Baru It has been rough, isn't it ?

Evilia's Baru: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH. Whyyyyy? Why me? Why is my reality so fucked up. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. That bitch Emilia keeps torturing and threatening me. It hurt so bad. I died so many times. I cried so much. And there was no one for me. I wanted to die. It was all so hopeless. Whereas all the other realities have a sweet and kind Emilia. HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE? WHY DOES NO ONE HELP ME? WHY DID I GET SENT INTO THAT WRETCHED REALITY. NO. I DON'T WANNA GO BACK. WARDEN, I'LL STAY HERE. DON'T SEND ME BACK TO THAT BITCH. starts trembling uncontrollably

Natsumi: hugs Evilia's Baru Don't worry. We're not gonna let you get hurt. Just relax.

Evilia's Baru cried out his lungs and fell asleep on Natsumi's lap.

As the waifu wars were reaching their heights, Sagebaru decided it would be best to retreat. Though the moment he turned around a bright light blinded his eyes which quickly vanished to reveal an absurd sight….one that would definitely scar his mind forever and give him nightmares till the end of time. His eyes widened to their maximum limit as he saw….

Sealed Pandora and Subaru appear out of nowhere and start to casually make out in the corner.

Sagebaru: What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck WHAT THE FUCK IN THE FUCK OF THE ACTUAL FUCK ?

?: Bruv, you okay ?

The person the voice belonged to looked like them except he was heavily built and taller than most of them. He was wearing a black trenchcoat, a plain white shirt and black pants, along with black shoes. On his hip was a large sword in it's scabbard.

Envybaru: Huh, you look really strong.

Soldierbaru: Oh thanks, 3 years in the war has got me like this.

Natsumi: War ? What war ?

Soldierbaru: The demi-human war. The war to end all wars ?

Sagebaru: You mean to say, you were isekaied in the demi-human war ?

Soldierbaru: Right in the middle of the battlefield, yep.

Priscilla If Baru: Dude your luck is ass.

Soldierbaru: Yeah, fuck my luck. Atleast I found my Sia-tan due to it though.

Sagebaru: Sia...tan ? Hold up. Full form ??

Soldierbaru: She's the sword saint Theresia Van Astrea, and my Sia-tan!

Priscilla If Baru:….WHAT ?

Sagebaru: Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse…

Natsumi: realizes Reinhard won't be born NOOO!

Envybaru: Can't believe one of us NTRed Wilhelm-san.

Soldierbaru: Hmpf, I'm not losing my Sia-tan to that overpowered handsome bastard Wilhelm.

Natsumi: But-

Soldierbaru: NO.

Sagebaru: I wonder if your grandson will be stronger than Reinhard or not.

Envybaru: Welp, atleast Theresia probably won't lose to the White whale now that you're with her.

Soldierbaru: White whale ? Reinhard ? What are you saying ?

Sagebaru: Well in our realities most of us were isekaied roughly 40 years after the Demi-human war. Theresia and Wilhelm married and their grandson Reinhard is OP as fuck. Unfortunately, Theresia's powers were transferred to Reinhard in the white whale subjugation, and she met her end. Though it wasn't the whale who resulted in her demise.

Soldierbaru: expression turns sour I will never let that bastard marry her. He's a failure who let her die. I won't let that happen. Sia-tan loves me and only me. Thanks for the knowledge, I'll make sure Theresia succeeds in the subjugation.

Envybaru: Uh, how will I be able to look at Wilhelm-san after this.

Lustbaru: Good luck getting that Astrea ass. I saw her portrait and damn, she's one hot and cute waifu.

Soldierbaru: chuckles Thanks.

Treachery Baru: Urghhh, this guy.

?: Ahh, Reinhard won't be born ? That's a bummer.

Envybaru: Huh, who are you ? More like what did you do in your reality.

The person Envybaru spoke too, had a dull voice. As if he wanted to die right there. He had dark eyebags on his face and his eyes screamed 'depression. He wore a white shirt with sleeves rolled up and a black sleeveless coat over it, along with black pants and black shoes, looking very much like an important person. He was also wearing a necklace with a black, shining gem. His face gave off a despairing aura. Regardless, he wore a smile. A smile that would fool anyone but a Subaru.

Greedbaru: Ah well, I contracted with Echidna.

Slothbaru: Ahhh, who?

Envybaru: WUT? Minerva didn't appear ?

Sagebaru: Oh, I already feel bad for him.

Priscilla If Baru: Huh why ?

Sagebaru: Why ? Let me tell you. asks Greedbaru Hey man, how many times did you die ?

Greebaru: I...stopped counting...after 100 million deaths.

Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK ? I thought my deaths were too much.

Treachery Baru: Nah fam, I'll pass.

Greedbaru: chuckles tiredly I guessed that reaction.

Lustbaru: Thank God, I refused her contract.

Envybaru: Dude, just why ?

Greedbaru: I needed to save them all. Even if it costs me my life, all eternity, so be it!

Sagebaru: This person right here is probably older than the world.

Priscilla If Baru: B-But, it seriously can't take you 100 million loops to save everyone.

Greedbaru: I looked for every ending possible. Every way the loop could go on. In Priestella, I died so many times to save every single citizen there. All of them. Because as long as people are safe, I don't care how many times I have to suffer. There's nothing you all can do for me. Thank you for your concerns, but I have already gone too far away to be given help.

Envybaru: I need to talk to that bitch of greed. Just wanna TALK. That bitch wanted me to die so many times. FUCK HER!

Lustbaru: Yeah, I fucked her.

Envybaru: NOT LIKE THAT.

Sagebaru: Echidna sighs You can't be helped indeed.

Priscilla If Baru: Well, that's depressing.

Re:Zero Hour Baru: I made the correct choice of contracting Satella and not Echidna, but I still feel really bad for him.

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru: I'm really not understanding shit about this but I feel sorry for you bro.

?: What is this bullshit ? Who's this Warden and how can he kidnap me like that ?

All heads turned towards the person whose voice roared. He had an angry expression and a murderous look in his eyes. But what shocked everyone the most were his clothes. He was wearing the attire of what every Subaru loathed deeply, the cause of their agony and suffering.

A witch cultist robe.


Anndddd….cut!

I decided to split this bad boy into two parts which will have some more Subarus.

This is a fic I had in mind a long time ago and I decided to write it after I got some inspiration from Reddit.

THIS IS NOT A REACTION FIC. GET OFF MY LAWN.

Also special thanks to everyone who gave me permission to add the Subarus from their fics. Even though I didn't ask some of them for permission. Since…

Sigma Rule #99 : Never ask for permission from someone who hasn't copyrighted their

claim over an asset.

Or more like I couldn't find you guys on Discord.

Duh.

Though I think I should give credit since I don't want the whole community biting my ass. But hey, it's free publicity too. What am I, an advertiser?

Anways, here we go…

Envybaru, Slothbaru, Wrathbaru, Pridebaru, Lustbaru, Gluttonybaru, Greedbaru, Aganaubaru, Natsumi Schwartz : Tappei Nagatsuki, the TapMan ( Re:Zero ) (-_-)

Sagebaru : Sam ( Re:Start )

Priscilla If Baru : ArcherfromArnor ( Priscilla If )

Sealed Baru : Im the Person ( Sealed )

Evilia's Baru : AWZ ( The Second Coming of Satella )

Treachery Baru : MrGentBot ( Re:Zero If : Treachery )

Golden Siblings Baru : CrimsonSage ( Golden Siblings)

Re:Zero Hour Baru : Sora101 ( Re:Zero Hour )

Raven-Black and Emerald-Green Baru : Prophellwinter ( Raven-Black and Emerald-Green )

Soldierbaru : MetallicBox ( A Star tainted Red )

So anyways, I hope you liked it.

Don't forget to like, share and subs- huh?

I'll see you guys in the next one.

Peace.