Chapter 23

TW- Self Harm, Unintentional Attempted Suicide

With morning came the sounds of breakfast being prepared once more, Maddie hearing them as she lay in bed, tears dried on her cheeks. No one could know how she was feeling, this ache inside her heart that was consuming her. Her last words to her father had been horrible words, words she couldn't take back. Oh god… She hadn't meant it, she hadn't meant what she had said. It had hit her last night that her father was really gone, that their last conversation had been her yelling at him, saying those terrible things.

He had wanted to change, now it was too late.

She could hear the Walkers moving around the house and heard Cordell asking Abeline how she was doing. Why would they care? No one cared about her. They shouldn't. She wasn't worthy of concern, or love. Not after what she had done…

Her eyes fell onto her pocket knife and the urge to carve her skin overwhelmed her. She needed to cut, had to cut. She needed to punish herself for those words she had said. Reaching out to the bedside table, she took hold of the knife then opened it and ran her thumb across the blade. No. She couldn't do it in the house and risk someone walking in on her before she had finished. She would have to go out to the barn like she used to when she had been staying with the Walkers before.

Not bothering to change or put shoes on she quietly opened the window and climbed out into the chilly morning. Her bare feet padded silently across the wet lawn, the girl glancing around as she hurried to the barn. No one had seen her leave, no one came out of the house as she stopped to catch her breath.

The horses knickered softly as she entered the barn but she didn't stop to pat them, her mind focused on one thing and one thing only. She came to an empty stall, not bothering to close the door as she walked in. She sat on the thick bed of straw, placing her knife down then began to roll up her sleeves.

I'm so sorry Dad for what I said.

Four day old cuts had started to heal, it had been three days since she had last drawn blood. The last time she had cut had been the day before he had been murdered, she had broken a plate and he had punished her for it. It hadn't been enough though and after he had left, she had cut before heading to work at the Walkers.

You are worthless.

Her demons taunted her as she picked up the knife and opened it, taking a deep breath before bringing the blade across her skin. Crimson welled after a moment from the scratch, the drops rolling down her arms.

You aren't worthy of love.

Another cut and another. Longer. Deeper.

Tears ran down her face. Her father was her whole world and now he was gone she had nothing. No one. She was alone.

Alone.

Deeper. Deeper.

Blood was flowing freely from her left arm, cuts from her armpit down to her wrist. The pain, it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to dull the ache in her heart. Her hands shaking, she took the knife in her left hand and started on her other arm.

I wish you never had been born.

I wanted your mother to abort you.

I never loved you.

Her father's words played over and over in her mind as she drew the blade across her arm again. He had never loved her, he had never wanted her. She hadn't wanted to believe it, she had hoped that there was something she could have done to make him love her. All she had wanted was to be loved. For him to love her. To be proud of her.

She hadn't been worthy of his love.

Her mother had loved her, she had been the only person to ever love her. After she had died, her world had fallen apart. They had placed her into foster care, told her that everything was going to be alright. It wasn't. It never would be.

She had waited. Waited for her father to come and claim her. Months had passed before he had finally arrived and when she had been reunited with him, she thought her world would be put together again. She couldn't have been more wrong.

He had placed her in a hotel room and left, weeks passing before he returned. Had she done something wrong? Had she pushed him away just as she had when he'd left the first time? She had only been eleven years old…

The straw around her was becoming stained red with her blood, her knife and hands covered in crimson as she cut down to her wrist.

It wasn't enough.

Deeper.

Deeper.

She started to feel weak and light headed as she stopped cutting, watching the blood dripping onto the straw. She was past pain, a numbness instead replacing any pain she felt. She was at peace though, a feeling of peace washing over her that she hadn't felt at all during her life.

The light headedness became worse, the blood still rolling down her skin. Slowly it began to dawn on her that she didn't have the strength to clean up her mess but she didn't feel bothered by it. She was growing tired, the urge to sleep becoming stronger by the minute.

Just a short nap. She promised herself, laying down on the straw. There, that felt better. Her head wasn't spinning so much anymore. I'll just have a short nap then clean this mess up.

Her body relaxed as her eyes closed and she slipped into a dreamless sleep. Her muscles relaxed, the knife falling from her hand as the straw around her was stained with her blood.


'Stella-' Abeline said, carrying the rest of the plates to the table, the others already seated for breakfast. 'Would you mind asking Maddie if she wants something to eat?'

Stella nodded and got up from her seat, disappearing down the hall.

'How's she doing?' August questioned as she sat down at the table. 'I tried talking to her yesterday but she didn't say much and I don't know how to help her.'

'Don't take it personally son-' Bonham replied, helping himself to some pancakes. 'She's got a lot to deal with right now.'

'You remember how you felt when your mom died?' Cordell questioned gently and his son nodded. 'That's what she's going through.'

'It'll just take her time.' Abeline said, placing a hand on his shoulder. 'Just be a friend, let her know you are there-'

'She's not there.'

'What do you mean she's not there?' Liam questioned as his niece returned to the room. 'I checked on her only half an hour ago, she was still sleeping.'

'I mean-' Stella reinstated. 'She's not there and the window is open.' They stood, following her to the guest room and she motioned inside. 'See?'

The open pocket knife case on the bedside table caught Bonham's eye and he went over, picking it up. It was empty. He handed it to Cordell, his son drawing the same conclusion as he.

'We've got to find her.' He said worriedly.

'Stella, August-' Bonham turned to them. 'You two know any place Maddie would go too?' They shook their heads.

'I'll go check the shed.' Liam said, heading to the door.

'I'll check the barn.' Abeline spoke up, not having noticed the exchange between her husband and son. 'She's probably gone to see Skylar.'

'Let's hope that's the case. The rest of us will spread out, see if we can find her.'

The family parted ways, Abeline putting on a coat as she hurried outside. Calls for Maddie filled the morning air as they started to search. Jogging to the barn she stopped at the door to catch her breath then stepped in. 'Maddie? Maddie honey, are you in here?'

Walking down the aisle there was nothing she could see that looked out of the ordinary. Skylar poked her head over the door as she walked past and she stopped to give her a pat. The stall was empty and she looked around again. 'Maddie? Maddie sweetheart? You in here?'

Silence was her answer, except for the girl's name being shouted outside.

Turning, she noticed a stall was open and frowned. That's strange. The doors were never left open… She walked over, about to close it shut when something made her look in the stall. What she saw made her heart skip a beat. 'Bonham, Cordell!' She screamed, running into the stall. 'She's in here!'

Maddie was lying motionless on the straw, blood from cuts on her arms still dripping onto the floor. 'Oh god!' She fell to her knees beside her, rolling the girl into the recovery position.

'Abeline?'

'In here!' She yelled, frantically feeling the teen's neck for a pulse. Hearing footsteps, she looked up as Bonham and Liam came to the door. 'Call an ambulance!'

'Dear God…' Bonham hurried over to them, Liam quickly taking his phone from his pocket. His eyes fell on the blood stained knife, the knife he had given the girl as a present.

Cordell and the kids weren't far behind, Stella and August standing in horror as their Dad knelt to Maddie's side. He looked back at them, his brother on the phone speaking with dispatch. 'Liam, get them out of here. They don't need to see this.' Liam did as he requested, guiding his kids back from the scene.

Relief flooded through Abeline as she finally was able to locate Maddie's pulse. It was weak and barely there but she was alive. 'She's alive.'

'We need to get this bleeding stopped.' Cordell exclaimed as took his belt off, wrapping it snuggly around her arm as a makeshift tourniquet. 'Where's the first aid kit?'

Bonham stood, giving his son his belt for the girl's other arm. 'I'll get it.'

He left, Abeline silent in horror as her son took control of the situation. The stall looked like a murder scene from a horror movie, the straw soaked with her blood. Maddie hadn't moved, her face drained of any color. She was still, so still… Holding her fingers to her neck, she kept feeling for her pulse.

'Here.' Bonham returned quickly, placing the first aid kit down next to his son.

Cordell opened it, pulling on a pair of gloves before opening the cotton dressing rolls they kept for the horses. Wrapping them around her arms tightly he kept pressure on the worst wounds. 'How's she doing?'

'Her pulse is weak.' Abeline replied, taking off her jacket and tucked it around her. 'She's getting cold.'

She's in shock. It wasn't a surprise with the amount of blood she had lost. He looked up at Liam as his brother returned to the stall. 'How long will the ambulance be?'

'Ten minutes, I sent Stella and August to the gate to show them in. What can I do?'

'Get some gloves on, keep pressure on here.' His brother knelt down beside him, doing as he asked. The cotton dressings were turning red, the bleeding slowing but not stopping. Opening another of the cotton rolls he wrapped it around her other arm. 'She must have cut an artery…'

Finally they could hear the arrival of the ambulance, the family stepping back as the paramedics took over. Bonham placed his arm around his wife, Abeline holding onto him as they watched them work on the girl. She was in shock, they all were. None of them had been prepared for what they had found, least of all Stella and August.

As Maddie was wheeled out to the ambulance, Cordell went over to his children, his kids hugging him tight. He spoke with them for a moment, asking what they wanted to do and they chose to go with them to the hospital to be with her. As the ambulance started back to the hospital, the family exited the barn and made their way to their vehicles to follow. Now they would just have to wait.


'The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours will be critical…'

The family listened soberly as the doctor informed them of Maddie's condition, Bonham slipping his hand into his wife's. Cordell had his arms around Stella and August, both of them worried for their friend. Captain James and Micki were there too, the Captain there as both a Ranger and a friend.

'She has lost a lot of blood, we have given her blood transfusion and IV. As of now, her condition has stabilized for the moment. We had to stitch up a number of her wounds, there is the possibility of some nerve damage but we won't know that for certain for some time.' The doctor continued. 'We will however of course continue to monitor her condition closely.'

'Can we go see her?' Stella questioned.

'Of course. Nurse Simmons will show you to her room.'

Bonham, Abeline, Stella and August followed the nurse down the corridor, Cordell promising he would follow after he had spoken with the doctor. After they left, the doctor introduced himself officially to the Rangers and the ADA.

'What's the story doctor?' Larry asked after the introductions had taken place. 'What happened?'

'From my examination of Miss Stanton, it would appear that she has a history of self harm.' Doctor Wilson replied, handing a chart with his report to the Captain. 'As noted on the report, she also has extensive bruising and three cracked ribs that would appear to be the result of being beaten recently. There is also bruising on her neck indicative of strangulation and being hit with a strap, most likely a belt. Some of the bruising is over a week old and the conclusion I have drawn is that she has been the victim of physical abuse, possibly for quite some time.'

'Her father.' Cordell said after a moment, being the only logical explanation.

'How long until she regains consciousness?' Liam questioned.

'As I said before, her condition is stable but critical. There is a chance that she mightn't pull through if any complications were to arise. Now-' He turned back to the Captain. 'I am sure you are aware that she has been shot recently?'

Larry nodded, looking up from the file. 'Her father was murdered three days ago, she received that wound at that time.'

'Maddie didn't want to go to hospital.' Liam explained. 'She has a fear of hospitals and doctors. She was seen to by a medic however, we didn't wish to cause her more distress by forcing her to be in a hospital.'

'That would make sense, if she has been a victim of physical abuse. Exhibiting the kind of injuries she presents with, any doctor would draw the same conclusion.'

'And if she was being abused-' Micki added. 'Her father wouldn't have wanted anyone to know, worried that she would be taken off him by the authorities.'

He nodded. 'Has Miss Stanton any other careers, family or guardians?'

'No, we have been attempting to locate relatives but our search has been unsuccessful so far.' Larry replied. 'Walker and his family have agreed to care for her for the time being.'

'Do you believe what happened was a suicide attempt?' Cordell asked after a pause.

'It's hard to say, I don't believe we will know what her intentions were until she wakes and is able to speak with us. However, it would appear she has been self harming for quite some time.'

'About four years?'

He nodded. 'I would say so. I understand that she was a witness to the murder of her father?'

'That is correct. Currently the perpetrators haven't been brought into custody and her safety is of the utmost importance. I will organize a Ranger detail to maintain their presence here to ensure her safety.'

'We will endeavor to cooperate with the Rangers and assist where we can-' His pager began to buzz. 'I'm afraid I need to go. Any other questions you might have about her condition should be answered in her file. If you need any further assistance, don't hesitate to call.'

Larry re-commenced reading through the file after the doctor had left, raising his eyebrows. 'Walker, since you know Maddie better than the rest of us, were there any signs she might have been in an abusive situation?'

'I don't know…' He thought hard, trying to remember if anything was out of the ordinary. 'There was one time I took her home and the electricity had gone out, all the food in the freezer was ruined. It upset her, more than it should have. I did see a bruise on her arm at Hoyt's party, when I asked her about it she said it was from hitting it against the bench top. I didn't think anything of it at the time though…'

'There was one time I saw her in a shopping center-' Micki spoke up. 'With her father. She seemed frightened that I spoke with them.'

'Makes sense too why she became distant from us when her father returned.' Liam added. 'You remember Cordell, at that dinner we invited them to? Maddie hardly said a word the entire evening.'

'We should have seen it…' Cordell finally exclaimed with frustration and concern. 'I felt something wasn't right but I didn't have any evidence to justify it. I should have tried harder…'

'We all should have noticed something was wrong.' His brother placed his hand on his shoulder. 'But we didn't because we didn't see it.'

'It's not your fault Walker-' Larry added. 'You did what you could. You did what you thought was best at the time for her.'

'The main thing now is that we are here for her.' Liam continued. 'Maddie needs us, she hasn't got anyone else.'

'Let me look at that file-'

'I don't think you should.'

'James.' His Captain sighed as he handed it to him. Looking at the report, his temper began to simmer. Her father was lucky he was already dead because if he had known beforehand that he laid his hand on the teen, he would have known about it. The report said she had been beaten with a strap, most likely a belt from the buckle shaped bruises on her back. As he read over for himself what the doctor had observed in his examination, he shook his head. There were photos too for the purpose of the Ranger records and as he looked at them, he became angry. Angry at himself for not seeing that Maddie was being abused. Thinking back now, there had been signs everywhere that something wasn't right. The teen flinching when he touched her, the way she jumped or froze when someone raised their hand or voice.

She had changed when her father had returned home and it wasn't just from what she had gone through with Clint West. Since he had been back, she had hardly visited them- Why hadn't he listened to his instincts and tried harder? Oh, he had looked into her father's criminal record as much as he could but no matter where he looked or how much he tried, he hadn't found anything.

'We ah…' He stumbled over his words, letting the pages fall back onto the clipboard. 'I… failed her… I knew something wasn't right… Her father abusing her… that didn't come to mind. Neglect, yes but I didn't think…'

'We all didn't.' Liam replied. 'It's on our family as much as the rest of us. I should have asked her more questions when she came to see me, when she had that black eye.'

'If either of you had tried to do anything, it could have made it worse for her.' Larry pointed out. 'We won't know what happened until Maddie can tell us, but one thing we can do is make sure the ones responsible for her father's murder are locked up. Regardless of our feelings for the guy, he was still her father and I'd bet that in her eyes, he wasn't doing anything wrong. She would have thought the abuse she went through was normal.'

'It makes me sick… how anyone could be so damn cruel to their own child.'

'You and I both know there are people out there who don't deserve children, Walker. If your feelings are going to get in the way of this investigation, perhaps you should be pulled from this case.'

'I made a promise…' He replied with conviction. 'To Maddie. That I would find the men who killed her father and I intend to see it through.'

'That goes for me too sir.' Micki agreed, stepping up beside her partner.

'Liam?'

'Of course I'm going to help in any way I can.'

Larry looked at them for a moment then nodded. 'Let's get to it then.'