Chapter 27
TW- Self Harm
Birds were chirping their late evening songs as Maddie sat on the chair overlooking the ranch, absentmindedly watching the setting sun. Two weeks. Two weeks had passed since she had come to live at the Walkers, three weeks since her father had been killed. It felt as if she were only going through the motions of living, it was as if there was this fog in her mind she couldn't get out of. The Walker's had been more than kind to her, doing as much as they could to help her but still she felt like she was just numb. She didn't feel anything. No pain. No sadness. Just an overwhelming numbness.
Her father's funeral had been just a little more than a week ago, the only people who had been in attendance being herself and the Walker family to support her. It had been a simple affair, a preacher friend of Abeline's officiating the graveside service. Being there, watching his coffin being lowered into the ground, Maddie had felt as if she were detached from herself. Like she wasn't really there. She hadn't shed any tears either. She didn't know how to feel or what to think. Everything in her mind was just so muddled up…
The man who had killed her father, Carter Sheppard, had been sentenced to life imprisonment earlier that week. She had been at the trial, had to recount the events of the evening before the jury. All through the trial and when she had been on the witness stand it was as if she were emotionally detached. She was just numb. Numb to everything. Even the knowledge that the man who pulled the trigger was going to jail for the rest of his life hadn't stirred any feelings.
The other men who had been there that evening had also been charged on different accounts. They were a part of Northside Nation, something that Cordell had tried to explain as gently to her as possible that her father had been a part of. Clint West had been right. Her father was a criminal but hearing it come from the Rangers lips made it feel all the more real.
Her whole world had come crashing down.
Again.
'Hey Maddie.'
She turned at the soft voice, Cordell coming over to sit down beside her. 'Hey.'
'How are you doing?'
She shrugged, looking at the sunset. 'I'm okay… I guess. Just a lot to think about.' She replied softly, fingering the paper in her hand.
'I can imagine.' Cordell replied after a moment. 'I know... different circumstances and all that.. but when Emily died I was left reeling for weeks. There's-there's no time limit on grief Maddie. Y-you take all the time you need to work through it. You know we're all here for you.'
She nodded. 'I know. I appreciate it… You've all been so kind… I still can't get over the fact that Stella and August did that room up for me.'
'Yeah, they sure worked hard on it too.' He looked down at her when she didn't reply. 'How did... How did your counseling appointment go?'
'It was okay. She wants me to set some goals to go over with her next time we meet but I haven't the faintest clue where to start.'
'Is that what the paper is about?'
'Kinda.' She unfolded it, a sad smile coming to her lips as she turned to him. 'It's the bucket list Mama and I wrote up to do when she got sick. We wrote down all the things that we wanted to do together, some we could do then and some for when she got better. As you can see-' She passed it to him with a soft sigh. 'Mama and I never finished it.'
Cordell read over what they had listed, numerous things ranging from writing songs together to seeing mustangs out in the wild. 'That-that's a lot.'
'Yeah…' He passed it back to her after a moment and she folded it before returning it to her pocket. 'We had planned to go visit the horse that they based 'Spirit' off at the mustang sanctuary in California for my twelfth birthday but then Mama's health went downhill so quickly… And we never did get to finish the bucket list.'
Cordell thought about what she had said for a minute, the two of them watching the sunset for a moment before he turned back to her. 'Would-would you want to finish off everything on the list?'
'I don't know…' She sighed again heavily. 'When the counselor asked me what my goals were, finishing off this list was the first thing that came to mind.'
'What would you think about doing the list together? As a family? It would be a chance for you to make some memories, good memories.'
A faint smile came to her lips. 'Would you want to do it with me?'
'Of course and I'm sure everyone else would be on board too. Besides... Visiting a spa is defiantly something Mom and Stella would need to do with you. Can you imagine me having a spa day?'
An image came to mind and she started to laugh, an actual laugh and not a fake one she hid behind. 'Oh… oh boy…' She giggled. 'I reckon your father would like it just as much as you would.'
'Mmhmm. Not at all. I think he'd be better suited to helping you with the horse related activities.'
'Well, there is one thing I can already tick off. Learning to ride. Mama would have taught me herself but she didn't have the money to own a horse.'
Cordell pulled a pen from his shirt pocket and handed it to her. 'Mark it off then.'
'Why don't we mark it off together? You did give me my first lesson after all.'
He smiled, adding his name to hers beside the date she had written. 'Well, what one do you want to mark off next?'
'Um…' She thought about it for a moment. 'Bareback jumping. When I was little Mama had a video of her as a kid on her pony, jumping it without any tack. I always have wanted to try that.'
'Bareback jumping? Okay… Well, that's not really my expertise-'
Maddie chuckled. 'I already know who can teach me.'
He frowned. 'Who?'
'You mom.'
'My-my mom?'
She nodded. 'She's already been teaching me, your mom is really good at riding bareback.'
'Well I'll be… Mom's still got surprises up her sleeve.'
'When I'm really good at it, you'll have to come watch. You will, won't you?'
'Of course.' He nodded. 'You know, Mama probably has dinner on the table by now. Are you coming?'
'In a little while, I just… need a moment.'
Cordell stood, placing a hand on her shoulder. 'Alright, just don't stay out too long. It's getting cold out here.'
She smiled a little. 'I won't, I'll be in soon.'
'Okay.'
After the Ranger left, Maddie pulled the list from her pocket once more, a single tear landing on the yellowed page. Memories danced through her mind, flashbacks to her childhood and the memories the two of them had created together. Oh God… she wished she were still here with her…
Sniffling, she placed it back in her pocket and stood, her mask slipping into place once more.
She was just fine.
But she knew that wasn't the truth.
After dinner had been eaten, Maddie quietly slipped out into the barn. Though the fact the last time she had cut and almost died had terrified her, she couldn't resist the urge any longer. She needed to feel something again, even if it was pain.
She closed the tack room door behind her, turning on the light. Only a few. She promised herself. Only a few and no more than that. She didn't want to lose control again. She couldn't lose control…
She knew where Bonham kept his leather working tools and after a moment had found a knife sharp enough for what she wanted to do. After washing it in the sink with hot water she sat down on a crate and rolled her jeans up.
Only a few. She reminded herself as she ran a thin cut across the outside of her calf. Only five. Five on each.
By the time she had gotten to three, a thin trickle of blood was rolling down her skin. Only five. She promised, bringing the blade across for the fourth time. Only five.
She stopped at five and placed the blade down on the bench, leaning back against the wall. Pain had started to slowly replace the numbness but with it came shame and self loathing. She hadn't cut since she'd been in hospital, she'd almost been clean for a month… Tears finally started to roll down her cheeks as she reached for her knife again. She had already done it, she'd already broken the promise she had made to herself.
The blood had started to dry as she rolled up her second pant leg. Legs were safe, she wouldn't end up in hospital again. She could hide that she was cutting her legs, it was easier than hiding her arms. Besides, she had been cutting for years. She couldn't stop now.
'Maddie.'
Having been in the middle of her third cut, she froze, recognising that voice well.
'Maddie-' Cordell spoke softly as he walked into the tack room, kneeling down in front of her. 'What are you doing sweetheart?'
She turned away from him, making no reply.
'How about you hand me the knife?'
Maddie hesitated for a moment, clutching the knife tighter in her hand then held it out to him.
Taking the knife he placed it out of her reach then turned back to her. 'Do-do you want to talk about it?'
She shook her head.
'Alright.' He nodded. 'We'd better fix those up though.'
The Ranger stood, going over to the shelf where they stored the human first aid kit and Maddie stared at him in disbelief. 'Aren't-aren't you going to get mad at me?'
'Nope.' He knelt back in front of her again and opened the first aid kit. 'I'm-I'm not angry with you Maddie. You've been clean for almost a month, you've been doing so well.'
She had totally expected for him to go off at her, had prepared herself to fight back at him but this… He had completely thrown her off guard and bewildered her. 'Why aren't you mad with me? Last time I did this, I almost died!'
'I know... it must have been something hard that you are dealing with for you to do this.' He replied simply. 'And I know you expected me to be angry with you about this, but I'm not.'
Maddie bit her lip as he wiped her leg with an alcohol wipe. 'I can't figure you out Walker.'
'If you feel comfortable with it, I think you can call me Cordell from now on.'
'Alright then, Cordell.'
'And what-what can't you figure out?'
'Why you are so nice. My father would have given me a thrashing if he had even found out I cut.'
'I hope by now you have realized your father and I are two very different people.'
'No, I have. It's just…' She paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. 'Thoughts… Memories… I know now how my Dad treated me was wrong but I lived through that for almost four years. I can't easily forget it.'
'And I don't expect you to.' He replied as he finished tending to her cuts. 'All done.'
'Thank you.'
Cordell packed the first aid kit away, Maddie staring off into the distance and he offered his hand to her. 'Come take a walk with me.'
Maddie looked at his hand for a moment then took it and stood. As they walked out of the barn he placed his arm around her shoulders. 'Maddie, why did you want to cut tonight?'
'I-I wanted to feel something… Anything.' She replied after a moment. 'Since Dad died, I've just been numb. The memories… They are still there. I can't sleep at night, they play over and over in my mind. I didn't want to do it, I tried so hard not to.' She paused again, glancing up at the thin crescent moon. 'I'm so weak and stupid I can't even make it through a month-'
'Maddie, Maddie.' He interrupted as the teen started going off on a tangent. 'Maddie, stop.'
She stopped, looking up at him.
'Maddie, I know… I know you went through a rough time with your father.' Cordell started carefully. 'But you have got to stop believing the lies he told you about yourself. You are not weak, you aren't stupid. You are strong, you are intelligent. You have been through a lot and still are trying to deal with it all on your own. You are not weak honey just because you cut, you just need to learn how to deal with things in a better way.'
Maddie nodded slowly.
'Do you want to stop cutting?'
She nodded again. 'It scared me… what happened. I want to stop but I just, I don't know how.'
'Have you spoken to your counselor about it?'
She shook her head. 'I was afraid if I told her the truth that she would have me sent to a mental hospital… I almost died once already, I know that. I don't think I can stop…' Her voice trailed off as she turned to him. 'I don't think I can.'
Cordell placed a hand on both her shoulders, looking into her eyes. 'I believe in you Maddie, I know you can do it.'
'I can't-'
'You can.' He replied firmly. 'And you know how?'
'How?'
'Because I want you to promise me one thing.'
A slight frown appeared on her expression. 'What?'
'That if you start to feel like you need to cut, you talk it through first with someone. It doesn't have to be me, it could be mom or dad, but if you really feel like you have to do it, give us a chance to help you work through it. We want to help you, Maddie. You need to give us a chance.'
After a moment she nodded. 'I promise.'
Cordell smiled. 'Good girl.'
'I just hope I haven't made you regret taking me in-' She said after a moment, the two of them walking back up the path to the house. 'Me, with my problems.'
'No, no. I don't. We-we don't, Maddie.' He replied strongly. 'You've been through hell, sweetheart. I know that. It's going to take you time to work through it, to heal. To learn to trust again. I don't regret obtaining your guardianship. Frankly, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.'
A sad smile touched her lips.
'You know what you need?' He questioned after a moment, an idea to help her get her thoughts off things coming to mind.
She shook her head. 'What?'
'A Walker game night.'
'Oh, I don't think-'
'Oh yes. You don't know the meaning of fun until you've had a game night with our crazy family. Come on, it might make you feel a little better.'
'Alright, alright.' She gave in with a little chuckle. 'I'm in.'
