It was afternoon when Jean climbed down the ship. Looking at his hometown, he smiled and mouthed, "I'm home!". 3 years he was away, from this island, from his mother, from the person he loves. But for now, he was confused, or rather he doesn't know how to face her. He used to send her letter every month and she did reply all of them. He used to look forward to her replies. That had become his happiness. She usually wrote about what she did in Shiganshina. She had also mention that she helped Historia in the orphanage.
As for him, he mostly used to write how things are in Marley and tell her how much they all miss her. But he always made sure he never writes about Eren. He knew if anything that is going to hurt her is someone mentioning Eren. Eren's topic was the most delicate, for Mikasa and Armin of course but also for him. Even though he mostly has spent his time with Eren fighting for stupid reasons, he does respect him a lot. Genocide was never a good option Eren chose for saving Paradis, but he sacrificed himself. Jean never really showed but after Eren's death there was time when he could cry himself to sleep.
One reason was his close friendship with Eren and the other reason was of course Mikasa, the girl he has been in love with for God knows how long. She has been going through the pain of killing the person she loves. And he isn't there for her. But the truth is that Mikasa won't rely on anyone, maybe except for Armin or Eren himself. He knows. It hurts him but he has accepted it. Mikasa never really looked at anyone else as she looked at Eren. He is only a comrade for her, nothing more than that, not even her family.
Jean's feelings were not so obvious but the people who were very close to him might have known it like Connie and Sasha, and maybe Armin knows, nothing can really be hidden from him. Though Armin never talked about it to Jean. If Marco would have been alive, he would have noticed Jean's feelings. He would have even pushed him forward to confess. Jean could never confess. Not because he knows she loves Eren but because he knows she will never look at him.
He never imagined falling in love was such a hard thing. He never imagined himself ending with one sided feeling for a girl who had been in his dreams as well as reality. Looking at the sky for one last time, he walked away from the harbour towards a hill. The town has changed a lot. People have started living and working there like before. He wondered where does Mikasa lives. One part of him wanted to run towards her and hug her while another part of him was still confused on how to face her. It's not like he had done anything wrong with her. He was just afraid of seeing her broken because it will break him too. He was afraid to see if she doesn't smile anymore, he wants to see her smile warmly. He was afraid of showing her his vulnerable side if he saw her hurt. And while his thoughts were all full of her. He reached the place where Mikasa and Historia had buried their best friend, under a single big tree on a hill. He could see the name written.
'In the loving memory of Eren Yaeger'
His heart ached as he saw Eren's name. He was his best friend, and he is no longer with them now. He took off his hat, bowed and then placed the bouquet he bought a while ago in front of the grave.
"I'm back Eren. It's been a long time. Sorry for not showing up sooner." He plainly said.
Then a single tear rolled over his cheek as he realized again that no reply is going to come. He clenched his fists in sadness. Letting out a sigh, he sat leaning onto the tree beside Eren's grave.
"Eren, Mikasa comes here often, right? How long does she talk to you? Maybe for hours, right?" he tried to talk. He did feel embarrassing to talk alone like that but for now he wanted to talk to Eren, he wanted to have all those conversations with him that he couldn't do when he was alive.
"Mikasa, how is she? You see her every day. Is she smiling? Has she laughed at least once?" Jean just kept on asking even though he knew there won't be any answers for his questions unless he meets Mikasa.
"Now are you thinking I am an idiot, right Eren? I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that why don't I go and ask her. I know you are laughing at me." he chuckled and then let out a sigh. "I just can't go Eren, I don't know how to face her. I will not behave like the usual Jean in front of her." he put on his hat and rested his head on the trunk of the tree.
"I just love her, so much that it hurts. I know how you feel Eren, I know how deeply you love her. But I don't want to hide my feelings from you at least. I should have told you when you were alive. We would have fought over it, I know. I am sorry Eren. I love her and I can't help it. But don't worry, my love for her will end as I will leave this world but till then I won't be able to love anyone as much as I love Mikasa."
Mikasa was not just mere a crush of Jean. She was someone about whom he dreamt about. After joining the scouts, he kept on focusing how to become strong so that he could always protect her. Because all she cared about was protecting Eren and that means she could sacrifice herself for that. So, he wanted to become someone worthy for her, someone she could rely on. And as he tried his best for becoming that person, he decided for himself that no matter what the end will be, his feelings for Mikasa will be the same. He would never convey those to her. He was fine being just a comrade for her if it wouldn't ruin their relation. Because those feelings are not just feelings of love, those feelings made him strong, made him capable and those feelings have saved him. So, he swore to himself that he won't let those feelings fade away.
"I will now go, Eren. I will come again to visit. Bye Eren!" he got up and said Eren goodbye before leaving.
When he reached Historia's ranch, it was evening. The sky was coloured in shades of blue, orange and red. As Historia's ranch came into his view, his heart started racing faster. He was feeling nervous. Armin and others were already there. All of them were outside in the yard. He could see Historia holding her daughter talking to Armin and Connie. And then his gaze fell on the person who was standing beside Armin. Seeing her signature red scarf and black hair he didn't need any confirmation. It was Mikasa. And she was smiling.
He stopped in his tracks and blinked his eyes a few times before looking at Mikasa again. Her hair was no longer short. They now were grown down beyond her neck. But they were still shiny and gorgeous as before. She looked thin but healthy. But what caught Jean's attention was her smile that he was waiting to see for 3 years. Before he could come to senses on his own, he heard Connie yelling his name and waving hands at him. And because of that Historia and others looked at him. Mikasa was also looking at him. She then gave a small but happy smile looking at him.
Jean felt like it was a dream. He felt enchanted, by her smile. Mikasa, the person he loves more than anything is smiling at him. Has anything else ever made him happy than Mikasa smiling at him? No! He knew the answer. He closed his eyes trying to capture the smiling Mikasa in his heart and then opened them again to look at her.
'Damn I love her!' he internally screamed and then started walking towards everyone.
"I'm home!" he shyly smiled as he stood in front of Historia and Mikasa.
"Welcome back!" Historia hugged him. "I missed you, Jean!" she almost had tears in her eyes.
"I missed you too Historia!" he hugged her back.
They broke the hug and he carried Historia's daughter. She was playing with his little bit grown beard and Connie was teasing him.
"Jean!" he heard his name called softly by Mikasa.
"Mikasa!" he looked at her.
"Welcome home!" she smiled, again.
His heart did skip a lot of beats. How he felt like he is living only for seeing her smiling!
"I'm home, Mikasa!" he replied, flustered, cheeks coloured in shade of red.
He talked to Historia, played with her daughter. Everyone had fun together. They drank, told Historia and Mikasa stories from Marley, teased Armin and Annie for their relationship. The old friends enjoyed their time together after a long time. The sun had set, as Jean went outside, he found Mikasa standing outside looking at the moon. Mikasa's figure looking at the moon seemed to be beautiful as well as painful. That was how her life without Eren has become, painful.
He slowly walked towards her. She noticed him as he stood beside her, his hands in the pockets. For a few minutes they just stood there in silence, looking at the moon. Mikasa was not the type of person to start a conversation and Jean, well, it was hard for him to start a conversation with Mikasa.
"I went to see Eren before coming here." He told her. But he quickly regretted it, scolding himself internally. He promised he won't talk about Eren with Mikasa. "Sorry!" he apologized.
"Thank you for going to meet him, Jean." She silently thanked him not even looking at him.
He just hummed in response. He himself wasn't sure whether to respond or not. This might be first time he is talking about Eren to Mikasa after his death. He kept looking at her. She was no longer a 16-year-old girl he fell in love with, she has become matured as well as beautiful young woman. But his feelings, they are the same. He still feels enchanted just by seeing her.
If anything was beautiful and precious for him in that world full of monsters, enemies, and hatred, it was that his life has Mikasa in it. And if she is going to be there in his life forever then he doesn't mind being just a close comrade to her. Mikasa was his first love and will be his last love. She deserves happiness more than him, she deserves to be loved deeply, she deserves to be hold preciously by someone who will only and only look at her. Jean knows he can do everything of those things, but it will be Mikasa who will decide her own happiness and not him. It's up to Mikasa.
And that's, why he has decided, even if he must live with his one-sided feelings of love for lifetime, he will. Because, those feelings are not only painful for him, more than pain those feelings give him the strength, he finds them beautiful, and he wants to hold them preciously till the end.
But will she forgive him if he hugs her? Is it okay for him to become selfish for only one hug? Well, he won't know unless he hugs her. Jean slowly moved close to her and held her hand. She looked at him startled by his sudden touch.
"Jean?" she softly muttered his name, question mark on her face.
He smiled at her and gently pulled her in a hug his one hand holding on to hers and another hand on her waist. He was tall and she fit perfectly in his hug. He closed his eyes and relaxed a bit. She was warm. And it made his heart feel warm. He wished for the time to stop right there at that moment. He wanted to make sure she was fine. He wanted to store all her scent and warmth in his heart, in his memory. He let go of her hand and hugged her with both of his arms instead, tighter than before. And then after a few seconds, he broke the hug.
Mikasa kept looking at him, still confused. He then gave her a soft smile and turned his gaze to the moon.
"Mikasa" he called out her name but stopped for a moment. She looked at him, "Isn't the moon beautiful today?" he asked but his gaze didn't leave the moon. She turned to look at the moon and just hummed in response.
Thank you for reading! It is my first story in AOT fandom. I love Jean and his feelings for Mikasa. So I always wanted to write a one-shot describing his feelings.
I hope you guys liked it.
