It had been ten months since she lost Abuelo, and other spirits had started to follow suit, leaving her at a loss for an explanation. One day she could channel them and then the next day they were gone like the threads of a spider web in the midday sun. Whatever she was doing -and she knew it was something she was doing, it had to be- was simply not good enough as the spirits kept leaving. She just had to try harder.
Abuela's warm gaze no longer stopped on her at the family table, it was now reserved for Isabela. Lena wanted to be jealous, but she could not find a reason to be so. Isabela was her oldest prima, she was familia; there was no reason to hate familia. So Lena poured her energy into helping the family in other ways; volunteering to run errands more often, staying back to watch Mirabel and her hermano or doing chores so that everyone else could go out and enjoy the day.
With Mirabel's gift ceremony a week away, Lena had made it a point to go out into the village to channel whatever spirits were left. She was determined to not miss the ceremony and to do whatever she could to keep the villagers appeased because despite it all she wanted to help, she needed to help, to feel useful somehow. So she pushed herself to keep going despite the headaches and the dizziness.
The end result would be worth it, she told herself as she had settled into bed after yet another night of channeling spirits. Seeing her youngest prima finally get her gift would be worth the looks she received at the table when she spent more time cutting her food into tiny pieces and eating a fraction of it, or counting the bricks in the stone walls of her bedroom because she knew if she slept the residual memories would resurface.
She was more than grateful when her body finally decided to just give up and she had finally passed out from sheer exhaustion the day before the gift ceremony.
She woke up dazed for a moment, unsure of where she was until she heard a soft squeak behind her, felt the bed dip slightly and a slight tug on her hair.
"Lo siento." her sister whispered from behind her, "I didn't mean to wake you. I'm almost finished."
Lena held still as she felt her sister's nimble fingers weave the strands of hair into a braid.
"Done." the bed shifted as Dolores moved away to let her get up, "Mama was worried."
"Lo siento, "she apologized more into the pillow than to her sister as she attempted to roll over to sit up, "How long? "
"Twelve hours. You missed breakfast as usual."
Lena hummed and ran her hands over the perfect french braid that was on both sides of head. "I miss you doing that."
"Doing what?"
"Braiding my hair. You and mama were always better at it than me."
Her twin smiled softly, "You're actually better than you think. Isa begged me to braid hers the other day and it was so fine it kept slipping out. If you were around I would have sent her over."
Lena missed the days when the three of them would just braid each other's hair, or attempt to, Isabela was really terrible at braiding and it would take hours to get her hair untangled from whatever it was her prima had attempted to do with it. Once she received her gift it had been much easier to just ask for a flower crown.
"Princessa perfecta wanted her hair braided?" She mused as she went into the closet to grab her usual orange skirt and white top, putting them on the bed before returning to the closet to find her shoes.
"You know how much she hates how different it is from everyone else in the family." Her sister called from behind her.
"I still think she's adopted. " Lena stated matter of factly and frowned, unable to find her white embroidered sandals, as much as she hated wearing white shoes, it was her prima's special day after all and Mirabel was going to be wearing all white so it only made sense to show some solidarity.
"You used to tease her about it all the time." Dolores snorted softly.
"Well," Lena found herself grinning triumphantly as she finally found the shoes and stepped out of the closet, "she wouldn't stop fluffing my hair and putting pink flowers in it, so I had to get even. "
Dolores giggled, "I remember when Mama found out you had told her she was adopted she was so mad she made you do our chores for a month."
"Worth it."
As soon as the villagers had started to pile into Casita the whispering started
How did I get here?
Can anyone hear me?
Help me!
What's going on?
Where am I?
Lena closed her eyes for a moment trying to block them out, fighting the innate urge to run to her room and shut the door until it was over.
She reminded herself sternly that this was Mirabel's night and she was not going to ruin it.
She was going to get through this.
Clear skies.
Clear skies.
She took in a deep breath and had started to release it slowly when she felt a tug on her dress.
She felt a tug on her dress and opened her eyes to see her bespeckled prima looking up at her with concern.
Lena crouched down to her level."Qué te pasa pequeña ?"
Mirabel's face lit up for a moment as she shyly murmured, "I'm scared."
"Oh, Mira," She took her cousin into her arms and gave her a hug and pointed towards the glowing door at the top of the stairs, "You're going to walk up to Abuela, touch the candle and then touch the doorknob and you will get your very own gift that's as special as you are. There's nothing to be scared of. "
"Were you scared when you got your gift? "Innocent brown eyes looked up at her.
Lena sighed inwardly, knowing that "scared" didn't quite encompass all the emotions that had gone through her that night. Petrified would have been the better term for it, she and her sister had been the first grandchildren and so no one knew exactly what was going to happen, much less how it would happen.
Dolores' scream had rooted her to her mama's side and only her papa's soothing words had drawn her out enough to find out what her gift was. Abuelo's warm voice had been the balm on the fear and now those memories were tinged with a bittersweetness that physically hurt. But Lena wasn't going to tell her prima that, nor was she going to lie, instead she settled for something in between.
"I was yes, but once I got it I was happy."
Mirabel nodded slightly and then looked up at her. "Will you go with me?"
Lena looked up at the top of the stairs hesitantly and then back at her prima. "If it will help you face your fears then of course."
"Gracias." Her prima hugged her tightly.
"De nada." She said as she returned the hug.
Mirabel held her to her word and even managed to stall the ceremony long enough to give Lena the wide eyed look that would have melted the iciest of hearts, holding out a hand silently asking for the reassurance that could only be provided by her.
Lena stepped out from the shadows hesitantly and took her prima's hand and they walked down the lit path together and up the stairs to Abuela who was waiting for Mirabel at the door.
The older woman's gaze passed over Lena for a moment before turning to rest on Mirabel.
"Forty five years ago, in our darkest moment, this candle blessed us with a miracle. And the greatest honor of our family has been to use our blessings to serve this beloved community. Tonight, we come together once more as another steps into the light to make us proud."
Abuela turned to Mirabel and asked the little girl solemnly, "Will you use your Gift to honor our miracle?"
Her prima nodded.
"Will you serve this community and strengthen our home?"
Another nod.
Abuela bent down slightly to let Mirabel touch the candle, she let go over Lena's hand and reached for the candle to hold onto it for a moment and then stepped towards the glowing door, wiping her hands off on her dress before touching the handle.
Lena's eyes widened and she let out a small gasp at the sight of the door fading as Mirabel backed away for a moment and looked at Abuela in confusion.
The candle's flame flickered weakly for a moment as if threatening to go out and the whispers faded out and back in with it. Abuela watched it for a moment as it returned to it's normal steady glow and then glanced up at Lena as if expecting an answer from her.
Before she could even move a muscle, the older woman turned away from the both of them and went to address the crowd below them. Lena had been on the receiving end of the cold shoulder before, but her prima had not, as shock and hurt chased each other across her face before it crumbled giving way to tears.
Lena quickly scooped up Mirabel and headed towards the nursery, leaving behind the chaos of the failed ceremony behind both of them as she swung the door open and nudged it closed with the side of her hip so not to jostle her cousin too much who was not bawling in her ear.
She walked across the room to Mirabel's bed and sat down on it, readjusting the little girl so that they could both sit on the bed.
"Sana sana colita de rana," Lena murmured to her as she rubbed her back, "si no sana hoy, sanara manana."
She didn't think it would be better tomorrow or the next day or ever, if she was truly being honest with herself. She pushed that thought aside, right now she needed to focus on her youngest prima.
The door creaked open and Lena immediately held Mirabel tighter and was relieved to see Tia Julieta and Tio Agustin looking every bit as concerned as she was.
Her Tia mouthed a silent Gracias and she moved to hand off her prima to her parents but the girl refused to let go of her neck.
"No me dejes. "
"I'm not leaving you, "Lena soothed, "but your mama and papa are here."
The death grip on her neck loosened just a bit as the little girl moved her head away from Lena's shoulder and hesitantly climbed into her mama's open arms.
She nodded to her tia and tio as a confirmation that they had the situation from there and moved to leave the room nearly making it to the door when her prima asked, "Why didn't I get a gift?"
Lena couldn't help but feel like she had been the cause of it. The guilt settled like a weight in the pit of her stomach as she turned the doorknob and tiptoed out of the room, surprised to see that the villagers had dispersed and Abuela was having a hushed conversation with Tio Bruno down the hall.
Her Tio looked hesitant and rubbed his arm as he answered her but their voices were too soft for Lena to make out what was being said.
He caught her eye for a moment and he gave a slight shake of his head before turning his attention back to Abuela and from the looks of it, agreeing to whatever it was she had asked for, before heading towards his room.
Abuela seemed to sense someone was behind her and turned, the ever-present candle resting protectively in her hands, flame burning brightly. The older woman's gaze rested upon her for a moment.
Lena felt a lump form in her throat and all the apologies for ruining her prima's evening backed up behind it, but she was frozen to the spot as accusing eyes held her captive, burning through her very soul before moving on to the distance as Abuela passed her by without a word.
It was only when the older woman had disappeared down the staircase did Lena managed to swallow the lump down and it settled like a pit in her stomach. It was her fault, she had caused harm to the magic and was now to blame for Mirabel not receiving a gift. It would only be a matter of time before everyone else in her family knew.
She rushed to her door and yanked the door open, unable to contain herself any longer as the world began to blur as tears streamed down her cheeks. The dimness of the candlelight on the gravesites greeted her as she closed the door and leaned back against it as the guilt gnawed at her.
It was only a matter of time before her entire family knew and she would cast her out.
Why did she have to be so cursed?
Why couldn't she grow flowers like Isabela, or heal like her Tia?
Why couldn't she have a useful gift that brought joy instead of misery and sadness?
Why couldn't she be useful?
She walked along the worn concrete path that led to the mausoleum that was her actual bedroom, but instead of continuing straight ahead she took a right and followed the path until the concrete turned to dirt and the candlelights dimmed as there were fewer graves until she could barely make out the faint shapes of the grave markers.
She had never been this far away from the path before and felt a sudden chill go through her, but before she could turn around to go back her shoe caught on something and she tripped and fell, colliding with the ground so abruptly that stars exploded in the back of her eyelids.
In the distance she heard her name being called.
She frowned to herself and moved to pull the blankets over her head and roll over to ignore them, but found what she thought had been her bed was actually a soft mound of dirt and promptly rolled off it with a very undignified noise.
The voice called her name again, this time a bit closer.
She groaned as she sat up and remembered the events from the night before. She had hoped it had been a very bad dream, but dreams didn't usually end with her waking up on a mound of dirt much less with a pounding headache and what felt like a bruise in the middle of her forehead.
"Lena?"
She heard footsteps and saw Tia Julieta with a worried look on her face, "Dios mio, Lena. What happened? "
"I tripped and fell, I think?"she replied, confused.
Her tia reached into one of the pockets in her skirt and pulled out an arepa and handed it to her. Lena took it from her and took a bite, chewed and swallowed and nearly instantly felt the throbbing of her head ease as well the tenderness on her forehead.
"Half the family was looking for you, the other was looking for your Tio. " her tia advised and offered her a hand up.
"I saw Abuela talking to him last night, " she took the offered hand and stood," but I was worried about Mirabel. I didn't catch what they were saying, lo siento."
Her tia placed a hand on her shoulder, "It's okay, you were there for your prima and that's what matters. We'll find him."
They started to walk the dirt path and this time Lena made sure to pick up her feet as it turned back to concrete and led back towards the door to the house.
"How is she?"
"She actually woke up asking for you." the older woman said, opening the door for her to pass through and then closing it behind her.
Lena was about to go down the stairs when she caught something in the corner of her eye that caused her to pause.
"What is it"?
"Why is Tio's door not glowing?"
Tia Julieta frowned deeply and ushered her downstairs where her prima immediately attached herself to her leg upon seeing her.
It had been weeks since anyone had seen Tio Bruno and to say that the weather had gotten weird had been an understatement. It had been stormy the first few days which was to be expected, but they were all caught off guard by the snow, especially when her hermano had asked about his missing tio.
The sound of a fork dropping against a plate was heard as all eyes went to the head of the table and Abuela picked it up and sternly said, "Nosotros no hablamos de bruno en esta casa."
"But- "Camilo started
"No se habla no Bruno."
The words were exclaimed with such a fierce finality that Lena physically recoiled as though suddenly bitten by a venomous snake. She had never heard Abuela raise her voice like that before, much less use that tone. Any protest she would have had as to the reasons why shriveled up and died. She felt the poison of those words seep into her bloodstream and killed off all hope of ever speaking about her favorite tio again.
What little appetite she had had at the start of breakfast had evaporated and she glanced at her brother and found that he looked as stricken by the words as she had felt and pushed his plate away with the same look of sudden unease.
A gray cloud formed over her mama's head and Lena fully expected rain due to the sudden outburst but instead the cloud turned semi transparent and settled over the table as a fog.
Camilo turned to her with a questioning look and she shrugged, she had no idea their mama could do that much less how to stop it.
Pepa, Abuela snapped causing them both to jump slightly.
Clear skies, clear skies their mama muttered and the fog quickly lifted revealing the rest of her family and their untouched food.
From that day on a new normal had settled upon Casita; one that consisted of not talking about Mirabel's failed ceremony, Bruno's disappearance and definitely not questioning why the door to his room was suddenly boarded up.
