Ricky Halstead
One-shot inspired by Jay's nickname, spoilers for 9x03 and divergence from the end of that episode. Jay/Hailey.
I do not own Chicago PD or any of the characters. Please read and review :)
The day was done, that day, that, for Jay had been emotionally exhausting and had brought up memories from Afghanistan that he had tried to repress for so many years, all because of Knox. Jay had not wanted his first night living with Hailey, to be like this, but, as always, Hailey was supportive of him. She was his partner and she ordered pizza for the two of them. She had seen how tense her fiancée from the very beginning of the case, how emotionally drained he was by just the presence of Knox. It was their first night in their new apartment, so they were celebrating with the best food in the city, even if they were both exhausted. At least Knox had been arrested. He would not be out any time soon. That was a comfort to Jay.
Since arriving in their new apartment, Hailey and Jay had had showered and changed, both now wearing grey tops and they were sitting together eating pizza. Jay was very quiet and, whilst that didn't surprise Hailey, considering the case, it worried her. She was worried that this case might have triggered his memories, his PTSD, and that was the last thing in the world she wanted to happen to him, now or ever again. She knew that it was a part of who he was, but she was going to support him, no matter what. Hailey was holding back the truth about Roy and it was killing her to lie to Jay, but Voight had made it clear that she was not to tell anyone, including her fiancée. Hailey had watched Jay during the VET meeting and saw how he had changed when Knox had used the name 'Ricky'. She had known Jay for years and she had never heard that name and she had also never seen Jay react like he did. Hearing Knox describe him as a reptile was harrowing, but Jay had been a sniper. It was a part of who he was, a part of his past.
Jay was the one to break the silence. "I'm sorry for holding things back. I know I don't talk about my time in the Army much. It's not that I want to keep anything from you, it's just"- He broke off, unsure of how to explain it.
Hailey looked at Jay and smiled softly. He was staring into the distance, so she said softly, as she pushed her blonde curls behind her ear, "You don't have to tell me anything. You can, if you want, and I'll love you all the same."
Jay looked at Hailey and she could see the sadness in his green eyes. He clenched his jaw then began, "Ricky is short for Richard. My birth name was Richard Jay Halstead and, until I was discharged, I was always known as Ricky. I was Ricky to everyone who knew me." Jay paused and readjusted his sitting position so that his body was totally facing Hailey. His tone of voice was full of emotions and his eyes were in the distance, looking past Hailey. "During my last tour… I was captured. As a POW." Jay swallowed for a couple of seconds, before he continued. "I was there for 7 months and, during that time, they-they called me Ricky. The captors. It was- it was one of their ways of torturing us. To try to break us into giving them intel. And, when I came back home, I couldn't hear that name without thinking about those 7 months when I was"- Jay broke off and his eyes became frantic and full of fear.
Hailey could see that he was having a flashback, so she made soothing noises and told him, "Jay, you're in Chicago. You're safe. It's me, it's Hailey. Squeeze my hand when you're back here with me."
After a couple of very silent and long minutes for Hailey, Jay's eyes came back and he squeezed Hailey's hand. He wiped away the tears and Hailey moved closer to him and pulled him into a hug as she whispered, "You're okay, you're safe. You're not there anymore."
Keeping his arm around Hailey, Jay said, in a very tired voice, "I'm sorry, Hailey. What happened during my last tour is one of the reasons I don't talk about my Army days." He paused and pressed his lips together, before adding, "So, I can home and changed my name. My second name became my first name. I told everyone to never call me Ricky or Richard again. Hearing Knox say it- brought it all back. Ricky was… the man I was before the Army and he didn't survive Afghanistan. He didn't come home, but I did. I came home."
Hailey ran her hands through Jay's hair in an affectionate way as she smiled softly and whispered, "I love you all the same, Jay. I know and love the man I see now, the one I've known for 5 years and you're the man I want to marry. It's a part of who you are, but if you never tell me anything about the Army again, I'll love you, no matter what."
"Me being tortured doesn't make you look at me differently? Being a POW?"
Hailey wrapped an arm around her fiancée as she looked into his eyes. "No, it doesn't, Jay. It explains why you are the way you are, but it doesn't change how I feel about you. Nothing ever could."
Jay smiled and kissed Hailey's cheek, wrapping his arms around her before he asked, "Are you going to ask about Knox?" There was a silence. Hailey knew she didn't need to respond to that question. "You were right. I do hate him." Jay paused and closed his eyes, before he opened them again. "Knox was working with the enemy. He gave away our position. It's because of him I was tortured for 7 months. He knew what he was doing, but he was betrayed his uniform and his country and then he covered it up to save his own ass. I can't ever forgive that and if he'd raised his gun towards you, I would've been more than happy to shoot him in the head."
It was over. Hailey knew and she was still there. She still wanted to marry him. "I'm sorry, Hailes. This isn't how I pictured our first night in here together."
Hailey looked into Jay's eyes and rested her head against his as she smiled, "Jay, we have all the time in the world together. We have the rest of our lives together and you needed this." There was a dead silence, before Hailey sighed and began her own confession, "Do you remember Roy Walton? Jay, I found him with Voight and managed to convince Voight to bring him into the station." Hailey paused and closed her eyes, before she continued, "Roy reached for Voight's gun and I had no choice, and, afterwards, Voight told me to go home. So, I did, and I proposed to you, Jay. I wasn't planning on it, but it just- felt right. As far as I was feeling that night, I loved you and I wanted to be with you and that's never changed. I'm sorry."
Jay didn't look surprised or shocked. "Hailey, from what you've told me, it sounds like a good shoot. The problem here is Voight, but he's always been a problem." He paused. "I was surprised when you proposed that night. I thought it was because of Kim, but it doesn't matter because I proposed to you, too. We want to be together. We want to get married and that's the most important thing here, Hailey." He chuckled softly and said, "See? Nothing we can tell the other will ever change how much we love each other." Jay closed his eyes and kissed Hailey, as he whispered, "I love you, so much, Hailey."
"I love you too, Jay." Hailey wiped away the tears that were in her eyes and looked into Jay's eyes as they continued kissing, holding each other close, before they made their way to their first night to their new home.
