I do not own Phineas and Ferb.


Minor violence and a brief mention of blood ahead.


You Bit the Wrong Girl

Perry eased open the cupboard door, squinting through the crack to ensure that the kitchen was empty. He jumped to the tiled floor and stuck his fedora away before dropping down on all fours. He scuttled in the direction of the backyard, where Phineas and Candace were standing in the open sliding glass door, surveying the sunlit grass.

He sidled up next to Candace and lay by her feet, inwardly bracing himself. The girl could become deeply obsessed very quickly, and when things didn't turn out how she expected, the emotional fallout could sometimes be intense. But when she peered down at him her expression was calm, and Perry caught the shine of disappointment in her dark blue eyes evaporate.

"Oh, there you are, Perry," she said fondly, kneeling to stroke his back. "At least you're still around."

She dragged her knuckles along his spine and his eyelids drooped with contentment. They sprang open when Candace asked hopefully, "Do you like pink?"

Oh, Lord.

He had been sure he was free of the dress-up days—Candace had locked away most of her dolls and their accessories when she turned thirteen. Sweat dripped down Perry's body and he chattered, failing to keep his nervousness out of the sound. But Phineas and Candace did not notice and the teen scooped him up into her arms. "I think you do!" she chirped.

Phineas snickered into his palm. "Don't forget the bow."

Traitor, Perry thought affectionately.

"I know I don't have to worry about you biting me," remarked Candace.

Perry stiffened. What did she just say?

"He bit you?" said Phineas in surprise. "What happened?"

Candace shrugged. "I was trying to work the knots out of Mr. Cutie Patootie's fur. Guess I was brushing him too hard, or something, 'cause he made it pretty clear that he wasn't happy with me."

She shifted her leg, pointing her toes outward, revealing the criss-cross of pink Ducky Momo bandages on her thigh. The edges were stained a faint red with blood and Perry stared at the injury numbly. A high-pitched ringing shrilled between his ears and his body started to shake with rage.

He wrestled himself out of Candace's grasp, ignoring her startled shout, and hurried into the house. The second he was out of their sight he rocketed to his hind legs, seething between his teeth. He sprinted to the closest secret entrance and whipped down the tube. His landing was sloppy, his knee buckled, but Perry paid the strain in his limb no attention. He stormed over to the elevator and jabbed in the coordinates for O.W.C.A.'s holding center.

He hurt her. He hurt her. He hurt her.

Why had he left Candace alone with him? It would have been nothing for him to stay in her room, even in mindless pet mode. He could have hopped over her foot and stationed himself under her bed. She would have thought nothing of it. She would have just huffed in exasperation, made some snappish remark, and returned to dressing up Dennis.

He would have been there for her. He should have been there for her.

Perry's paws curled into tight fists and he picked up his pace, wanting to slam his knuckles into Dennis' face sooner rather than later. He didn't have to bother acknowledging his colleagues, for when they spotted his furious expression, they flattened their bodies against the walls of the cement corridor to give Perry a clear path to his destination.

He came upon a thick metal door and he aggressively stabbed his thumb against the scanning pad. The doors slid open, revealing a high-tech security desk with several monitors. He approached the agent tasked to monitor the criminals and Agent D's eyebrows flew upwards.

"Someone is on the war path. After a round two with Dennis?"

"Yes," said Perry bluntly. "Is he still here?"

"Yeah. He's not due to be transported to O.W.C.A.-traz until tomorrow morning." Agent D regarded Perry warily. "Why do you ask?"

"I want to see him."

"First off, the whole round two thing was just a joke. Secondly, I cannot in good conscious let you kill him." Agent D scowled, glaring at the sling that cradled his fractured paw. "Trust me. It's tempting."

"I'm not going to kill him," returned Perry. "I'm going to smack the daylights out of him."

"Pretty sure you already did that."

Perry narrowed his eyes. "I'm going in there, Agent D, whether you give me permission or not. I'm not afraid to deal with the aftermath."

Agent D believed that wholeheartedly. Perry was the best agent in O.W.C.A.'s history and the only one who had more leeway with their boss than any other animal. Monogram put up with a bit more flack and a bit more disobedience from Perry, if only because he knew the agency would absolutely drown in paperwork and evil scientists without the efficiency and brilliance of the platypus.

And Agent D knew that there was only one thing that could send Perry into such an angered state—Dennis must have messed with his host family.

Though he had questions, Agent D kept them to himself. Perry refused to talk about his family, keeping the details of his life with them private. The dog raised his good paw and pressed the button to deactivate the laser security grid.

"Seventh cell on the left. If Major Monogram comes after me with a rolled-up newspaper, I'm redirecting him to you."

Perry nodded curtly and strode into the jail block. He bypassed the collection of evil scientists hunkered in their dimly lit concrete pens. The jeers and meaningless threats they tossed at him through the metal bars didn't register. His heart pounded viciously against his ribcage and his fingers ached from how hard he was clenching them together.

When his eyes finally landed on Dennis, the temperature of his blood skyrocketed.

"What, you here to gloat?" the rabbit sneered.

Perry thrust his hat in front of the black square next to the cell. Red lines beamed out, scanning the barcode hidden in his fedora. The bars slid open and Dennis tried to lunge for the opening, but his newly gained flabs of fat prevented him from moving quickly.

Perry snapped door shut before he cracked his knuckles. "You really should learn to eat with moderation."

He leapt forwards and slammed his fist into Dennis' stomach. It sunk into the soft, pudgy flesh and Dennis let out a wheezing breath, stumbling backwards. He fell to the floor and Perry relished in the flash of fear in the rabbit's dark eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?" he gasped, his paws scrabbling against the cold floor as he attempted to put space between him and the platypus.

"You hurt my girl," Perry snarled. "So now I'm going to hurt you."

He jumped onto the cot and launched into a flying body press. Dennis rolled out of the way and Perry twisted at the last second. Dennis shot out his foot and it cracked against Perry's knees, knocking him flat to the ground.

"She deserved it," Dennis hissed, clambering heavily to his feet. "Candace is the most annoying, obnoxious human I've ever met. I don't know how you put up—"

The rest of his words were choked off as Perry darted forwards, grabbing him by two tufts of fur on his chest. With a show of strength no average platypus could display, he hauled the overweight animal partway into the air.

Perry was trembling with pure rage. Later on, when he was calm and collected and able to look back on the moment with clarity, he would swear there had been a sheen of sizzling red shimmering at the perimeter of his vision. "Keep her name out of your mouth."

He punched Dennis square in the nose and there was crunching sound beneath his knuckles. Dennis howled in pain and drops of blood splattered against the grey concrete. Perry grabbed him by the foot and swung him right into the bars with an ugly clang. He let Dennis straggle to his feet, watched with narrowed eyes as the rabbit swayed, his expression contorted as if he were about to be sick. Perry waited until Dennis' attention fell upon him before he sprinted at the mercenary. Dennis tried to kick out, but he still wasn't used to his additional pounds, and Perry easily struck him directly in the stomach with his webbed foot, putting his whole body into the attack.

With a strangled gasp, Dennis fell to the floor, the back of his head thunking against a metal bar of the cell door. He was motionless on the ground, not even his nose twitching, and a small, weak moan squeaked from his lips.

Perry was sorely tempted to continue beating Dennis until he was in a full body cast. It would be a breeze, considering Dennis was currently in poor condition to fight, thanks to his carrot gorging.

But he wouldn't. Candace, despite the bite, was happy as a clam. His point made and some of his anger released, Perry let out a slow breath, loosening some of the tension in his shoulders. He walked straight by the disoriented rabbit, giving one last ferocious glare as a farewell, and stepped out of the cell, making sure the bars clicked firmly shut behind him.

"I'm not going to find a body in there, right?" asked Agent D when Perry returned to the security station.

Perry snorted. "I told you I wouldn't kill him. Might wanna summon a vet, though. Just to check him out."

Agent D sighed and started tapping at the touch screen in front of him. "I'm not doing a single sheet of paperwork for this, just so you know."

"More than fair." His emotions starting to level, Perry's beak twisted into a smile. "Thank you, Agent D. I'll make sure you don't get reprimanded for this."

"You better," replied Agent D. "And you're welcome. I, well…" He cleared his throat. "I know how important this was to you."

Perry tipped his fedora before striking a perfect salute. "Good afternoon, Agent D. If Major Monogram wants to speak with me, tell him he'll have to wait until tomorrow."

Agent D returned the salute and Perry jogged for his lair. When the elevator touched down, he went to his computer and brought up Dennis' medical records. He read through the information intently, making sure he carried no disease or bacteria that would result in Candace getting sick.

The rabbit was clean, which meant Perry had no reason to go back and knock every one of Dennis' teeth out of his mouth.

He took a tube that would deliver him to one of the many entrances located on the second floor of his home. He immediately waddled down the hall to Candace's room, pleased to find the door wide open. He entered the bright pink space to find Candace on her bed, reading through a teen magazine.

He chattered to get her attention and she peeked over the top of the periodical. "Oh, hey, Perry. Where'd you run off to?"

He walked over to the doll clothes still left strewn over the carpeted floor. He picked up a sparkly pink dress in his mouth and Candace beamed. She threw her magazine to the side and slid out of bed. "I knew you liked pink!" she said cheerfully.

She lifted Perry to sit on top of her vanity table. The platypus stood dutifully as the girl wrangled his limbs through the appropriate holes in the dress. He held back a sneeze as she powdered his face and made a point of nuzzling her wrist as she ran a brush through his fur.

"There!" she said, attaching a barrette with an oversized purple bow to his head. "Oh, you look so cute!"

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and hefted Perry up with her other arm. She smushed her cheek against Perry's, grinning broadly, and it took him every ounce of effort not to do the same as the flash went off.

"That's definitely going on my blog," she declared. She carried him to her bed and propped herself against a stack of pillows. "Okay, so, the top ten boy band list in this issue is, like, totally wrong. I don't know what they were thinking, putting—"

Perry cuddled close against the girl's side as she droned on about boy bands he didn't recognize. His gaze lingered on the Ducky Momo bandages on her leg and he lightly pressed his beak against the healing mark. Candace scratched his head in response, and if she had been aware that he was apologizing for his moment of poor judgement, he knew she would have forgiven him.